SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry if I do this wrong. The people of Reddit suggested I try this site for support. I (BS 44) found evidence back in August that my WH had cheated multiple times with men and women throughout our 16 years of marriage. I didn't confront immediately because I wanted time to sort things in my mind and financially. Found out this week that he was actively in a full on affair with my cousin's wife. I went nuclear. We are divorcing but trying to do it peacefully. I chose to tell our families that we had been in counseling awhile and made the decision to end it. He is staying in the house with me a few months while he looks for a place and tries to regroup. Obviously he has apologized several times but there is no coming back from this. I guess what brings me here is the need to understand the emotions that are coming. It's been a rollercoaster so far ranging from gut wrenching pain to anger to melancholy. I even had a moment today where I considered reconciliation. Tell me it gets easier after the initial shock wears off.How on earth do people survive this?

Infidelity is the worst pain imaginable. Welcome to SI and so sorry you have a reason to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are helpful. There are some posts with bull's eye icons that are full of great information. The Healing Library has a ton of great stuff and has the list of acronyms we use.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Bonus points if they also do infidelity betrayal trauma.

The emotional rollercoaster ride can pick you up for a ride anytime. It takes about 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and healing isn't linear. It does get easier, but it takes time and healing. For me, it was about 10 months after being in my own place that I realized I was content.

For me, I would go out to my car and scream until my voice was gone. We lived in the country, so I'd sit on the porch and howl with my son's dog.

There's a book called The Body Keeps the Score that isn't infidelity related but it's trauma related. It talks about doing exercises (like yoga) to process the trauma from your body.

Lean on your support system and practice self-care. If you need meds for depression or sleeping, see your doctor.

I am so sorry you are here at Surviving Infidelity. However the people here at SI will support you and you will receive great advice.

There is a Healing Library that has been very helpful.

I agree that infidelity is a very painful trauma. But somehow we all survive it. Some better than others due to circumstances.

You are not required to make any decisions that you don’t feel ready for. I understand your decision to D and that is very difficult to accept - but that seems like you are determined to see that through.

Living together for the next few months will be hard - but keep reminding yourself it is temporary.

It appears as though your husband is a serial cheater. Unfortunately from experience here at SI it is very hard for a serial cheater to stop cheating. It may stop after Dday (discovery day) but then they move in to the next affair and so on. Often it’s a different other woman (OW). As the saying goes rinse, lather, repeat. The cycle or pattern continues.

Unfortunately in an emotional state it’s hard to make the right decision. But there are cheaters and then there are serial cheaters. In the I Can Relate section there must be posts about serial cheaters. That can bring you clarity from people who are in the same boat.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:01 AM, Sunday, October 6th]

Thank you both for the support and direction. I am slowly learning to navigate the page. I spent a good amount of time in the healing library last night. There is a lot of helpful information in there and some blunt truths I guess I needed to see. I do have a few friends who know the whole truth. I have had to be selective with that as one of his APs was my cousin's wife. I understand when they say don't protect him and just let the truth out, but this one is too big and too ugly right now. For now I will rely on the information here, those two friends, and my therapist to keep me sane.

Yes you will be on an emotional roller-coaster for a long time and it's to be expected

Yes you will go thru multiple emotions, sometimes within minutes.

Yes it does get easier in time but it will be a while. Don't rush. Talking with an IC that has ptsd training can help a lot.

The book The Body Keeps The Score is a great book, highly recommend reading it. This website is an amazing place for support. I'm just six months out from D-Day and the members here have been helpful and supportive

Welcome - sorry we had to meet here.

The emotional rollercoaster is intense for awhile - and for some longer than others. But, I do believe that what makes it last longer is the emotional limbo of trying to decide if the BS wants to try to reconcile or separate/divorce, or (even worse) if they are trying to R with a WS who is less than all-in...meaning that everything feels REALLY out of control and unknown to the BS. It seems like the longer that goes on, the longer the emotional toll takes to heal.

You have decided to D - I'm guessing that within a few months of when your WS moves out you will start feeling a lot better. Just focus on your plan, and know that this too shall pass.

How are you holding up? Please check in with us when you can.

You don’t stop grieving just because you want to. You have to go through it. But you might want to talk to your dr about short term meds for anxiety and depression. Also try to get enough sleep.

Looking at the info you give makes me wonder if he is addicted to acting out sexually. The fact that he chooses both sexes appears to be so. Have you looked so see if he is into porn? I hate to even bring this up but had a client whose relative did not care about age. His sexual appetite was anybody he could get, including children.

Please be in therapy. If not find a therapist who deals with this type trauma.

We are almost two weeks out from the dday apocalypse. We are separating in house and keeping things mostly peaceful. We are starting with a postnuptial agreement that will separate us financially and allocate all the current and future assets and debts. Hoping to finalize the divorce after the first of the year when the interest rates drop.

Honestly I have good days and bad days. In some ways it seems like he is just going through life like none of it happened and none of it was a big deal. One of my boundaries for staying in the house is absolutely no contact with any past or present APs. Everytime I see him texting on his phone I am bothered. Right now I am trying to focus all my energy on healing me and helping him if I have anything left to give.