SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m going to go against the common thought in this group but this is just one person’s opinion.

This worked for me. Now I may be stubborn and whatever but after affair 2 and Dday 2 of affair my "I don’t give a crap" meter was off the charts.

I did not help my H in any way after dday2. I told him I was D him b/c I had no other choice. Period. Not a discussion. No more chances or options.

But he desperately wanted to R. I did not. He did everything he could think of on his own. I didn’t tell him to delete contact or anything along the lines of showing me he wanted to R. It was 100% his doing.

And that was the reason I gave him a chance.

Because in 30 days he was doing more than I could have imagined. And in 11 years after Dday I can tell you those changes have remained in place. Why?

They were his idea. Not my idea and was just going along.

As for your wife - I’m sorry but she has alot if growing up to do. If they had sex once and then agreed NOT to do it again, she knew what was going on. I’m sorry - it may not help you - but again, it’s just my opinion.

This worked for me. Now I may be stubborn and whatever but after affair 2 and Dday 2 of affair my "I don’t give a crap" meter was off the charts.

I did not help my H in any way after dday2. I told him I was D him b/c I had no other choice. Period. Not a discussion. No more chances or options.

I wish this were the "standard" advice given to victims of adultery. Sigh.

Gr8ful

Thank you.

I did the pick me dance for 3 months and that didn’t work. I thought we were Reconciling and he was still cheating. I was telling him how we can get past this and what we can do to Reconcile. Big big mistake! But I only saw that in hindsight and in dday2.

So like I said I was out of compassion and caring about our marriage or him. I finally accepted he was having a midlife crises affair and I was being replaced for a newer model.

Funny how my doing the hard 180 was the wake up call my former cheating Husband needed. He had to work hard to prove to me I could trust him again.

I do see betrayed spouses/partners dictating to the cheater "this is what I expect or need". To me, if they had enough brain cells to cheat they have enough brain cells to figure out how to Reconcile. And if they do the bare minimum, it would signal (to me) they really didn’t care too much to put forth the effort. And thus, Reconciliation is not happening — it’s just a temporary phase and they are more rug sweeping.

Bigger
Very wise post.
The hardware thing. I have thought something similar many times, but never thought or said it so well.

Unthoughtknown75

So your cheating wife called her AP the next day and asked him what you saw? Was she thinking of pulling a Jedi mind trick on you to convince you that you didn't actually see what you think you saw?

For those that chose to R. How is your life now? I know this is still very new to me, but I just can’t imagine ever trusting, or getting past this.

It's been 30 years since her confession to A's with two different men and it still hangs over the marriage like a dark cloud. 30 years I put up with this. Why? First to raise our son who was 3 on D-Day and secondly out of fear of change. Our son thinks we're both idiots for staying together this long and he's right.

We went to MC and had our own therapists but none of it helped. Btw my WW didn't drink during her A's so she blamed it on Prozac and yours truly instead. There's never been an admission by her that she was at fault.

It sounds like your wife is repentant and willing to do whatever is required so there's hope for you. But if she wavers in any way think hard about getting out. Don't know if anyone has mentioned it yet but read 'No More Mr. Nice Guy.' It's in PDF form and free. It doesn't advise being mean to your WW but instead to look out for yourself first. All the best to you.

I believe this is more than an impulse action spurred by alcohol by your wife. Unsure of how long and how often the get together's occurred with your friends. During these parties the flirting started, grab of a crotch here, grab of a breast there and a stolen kiss whenever no one else was in the area. Without a doubt all this happened before she was "drunk".

This probably happened dozens of times before the PIV started. She knew she was crossing a line and still chose to cross it. Choosing to cross the line happened when she was sober, the alcohol just made it easier for her to ignore any sense of obligation she had to you and her family.

I would question her behavior around any men involved with your marital life. You may never fully trust her around any friend, relative or acquaintance again. This probably wasn't her first rodeo with crossing lines.

This is a deluxe shit sandwich she served you and your family and you'll be eating that sandwich a second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year, etc... at a time. Even if you R that sandwich will always be on your plate.

Use your "Backbone" and not your "Wishbone" to plan the direction you and your children's future life will take. Currently your wife's future life is hers to plan, use your "Backbone" to determine if it includes you.

Peace

This is a deluxe shit sandwich she served you and your family and you'll be eating that sandwich a second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year, etc... at a time. Even if you R that sandwich will always be on your plate.

I think that's a misunderstanding of R.

In my view, my W fucked up. It certainly hurt me; the emotional pain was excruciating. But she fucked up; I didn't. I had a free choice to stay or go. I chose to stay. I simply do not see that eating shit was part of my experience.

But that's an outline of how my mind works. Other people's mind work differently. If staying with your WS means you have to eat shit, I urge you not to do it. I do not mean to be condescending here. I make no apology for the way my mind works, and I don't see any reason for others to apologize for the way theirs does.

Minor Thread Jack apology.

I guess there is no common definition of a "Shit Sandwich".

To me each time the betrayal enters a BS's mind, that's a bite out of the sandwich. Maybe in successful R's the sandwich gets put away and the betrayal doesn't enter the mind?

Peace

It sounds like your wife is repentant and willing to do whatever is required so there's hope for you.

With all due respect, I think it’s WAY too early to determine if she’s truly repentant. That’s one of those things that can only be independently verified after a very long period of time, observing her ACTIONS and not merely her crocodile tears (for herself).

Re WW's repentance and remorse: All I am getting about WW's mental state right now is that she is desperate from saving HER life from being blown apart, which will include her not only losing the marriage but also her friend circle. (Do you think after word gets out, that WW's current friends will trust her around their husbands moving forward?) That is not the same thing as true repentance or remorse.

OP doesn't even have the full story of the affair timeline, partially because there are too many areas where WW's narrative does not add up. Then besides the specific timeline, there are WW's "why"s.

OP, focus on your healing first and foremost. Take your time, but realize the LAST thing you want is to be stcuk in a sort of limbo staying in a marriage with WW where you are unhappy.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:56 PM, Friday, October 4th]

I think it’s hard to make decisions about D or R or even separation.

But I can tell you that it’s not uncommon to try to R but then decide it’s just not working and the BS decides to D.

As I’ve stated - my very expensive therapist told me at the time of my impending D that IF you can walk away knowing you did your best for the marriage, you will have no regrets.

So at dday2 of affair 2 that is how I felt. I did my best. I tried everything. But if the goal is to cheat and lie, I cannot and will not remain married.

You don’t have to stay married if the life and joy is getting sucked out of you. You don’t have to stay married or in a relationship if the cheater is not doing everything possible to make amends and work on themselves.

Decisions that seem like the right decision 6 months after Dday may not be the right decision 12 months after Dday.

You don’t need the pressure to make a decision right now if you are on the fence.

For those that chose to R. How is your life now? I know this is still very new to me, but I just can’t imagine ever trusting, or getting past this.

Just to go back to this, my ex and I tried R after I found out he had been cheating (we were together 14 years). I found out about May 2019. I didn’t know about this site then and did everything wrong, rugswept etc. Then I found out on New Year’s Eve of all times that it was still going on and that was it for me.

I will say that the period of R between May to Jan was for me mentally the worst time of my life. I lived in constant fear of discovering something new, I was always wondering where he was, who he was "really" with or if it was really his sister he was texting etc.

Leaving was obviously incredibly sad and difficult, but it became easier after a few months and each day I felt like I was working towards getting better, which wasn’t how it was during R.

That’s just my experience though, everyone is different. If it happened again though, i’d go the first time. R really wasn’t worth it.

Maybe in successful R's the sandwich gets put away and the betrayal doesn't enter the mind?

Not for me. It still enters my mind, since I'm on SI almost every day. I think 3 factors keep it clean: 1) I made a free choice to R; 2) the betrayal hurts, and I still have to deal with the betrayal whether I D or R or anything else; and 3) to me, I'm not part of her cheating - she did it on her own - maybe SHE has to eat shit knowing that she failed so badly as a human being.

As I say, though, the above is my thinking. I don't expect anyone to adopt it - after all, my thinking is a result of my genes, my experience, my life, which are different from everyone else's. I put my thinking out here in case someone has similar thoughts and wants to know they're not necessarily crazy.

Rocko, I think you performed a service in reporting your thinking. There are many ways to understand what we go through. IMO, the more we share about our own thoughts and feelings, the more we help the newly betrayed.

Sissoon - agree with you 💯 %.

I chose to R. His cheating was never my fault. And I’d have to deal with stuff from the affair if we R or D.

Spot on.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:12 PM, Saturday, October 5th]

I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt, that my WW was not truly remorseful when she immediately and completely stopped all efforts to fix herself after I filed for divorce.

Let that sink in.

A truly remorseful WS will follow through with their efforts to, at the very least, reconcile with THEMSELVES, truly reconcile with themselves, not just try and reconcile the marriage.

When she immediately and completely ceased all efforts to fix herself, to follow through with IC, she sent a clear message that she didn’t believe there was anything wrong with her, there was nothing to fix, and that she was at peace with what she had done. She was only seeking IC to appease me, not because she actually thought she needed it.

This sounds like the opposite of Sisoon’s experience. His WS was prioritizing reconciliation with HERSELF, was sincere about comprehensively fixing herself, regardless of the marital outcome, she was, at the very least, going to truly reconcile with herself.

And witnessing that, must have had a profound effect on Sisoon.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:55 PM, Saturday, October 5th]

In any event OP we are all pulling for you!

Such a tough scene. I admit, you have no reason what’s to trust her, of course not. I (mostly) trust my wife and it’s been years since I busted her cheating. In my case, I might have preferred to catch my wife in the act. My wife spent literal years gaslighting and lying about her cheating. Even now, she maybe lying about how far she went. I know it was trauma to see them, but you are a man with the truth in hand. Decisions from here may be tough, I know.

Social Media

You would be doing both of you a favor to ask her to quit all social media.

All of it.

Some of us here are of an age that I like to think of as The Before Times. Before you plastered up a facade of your life on Facebook and others. We managed to survive, living in reality.

She would squawk, no doubt, but if she proved to be R material, she would eventually thank you.

Another thought…you will need to heal, and the ideal way to heal will be to grow your way out of this shitstorm. Don’t settle for returning to a status quo, that doesn’t exist any more. Gone in the searing fire of seeing your wife with another man. The goal is to be like an athlete who comes back stronger and faster from an injury, but in your case that should be someone who has a deeper understanding of human nature, including your own nature. That’s the important one.

Last thing is, you’ll likely have PTSD from what you saw. There are treatments that can directly help with the image you have. I posted a thread in General on Reconsolidation of Traumatic Memories technique which has proven effective. There are others too. Avail yourself.

Sending strength!

As another aside, do NOT let her get away with calling it a "mistake"

Any time she might say that I made a mistake, respond with you revealed your character.

It was a mistake…it was character revealing. And so on.

This points to her path forward. She literally needs t change her character. To change who she is.

Even after you D you will have a relationship with her, thanks to your kids. Might as well make it as good of one as possible, given the circumstances.