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I can not consider R until I know the why’s.

I think this is correct, and might be even more correct to say you shouldn’t consider R until SHE knows her why’s and is busting her butt to address them. But do be prepared that when they are known, they will not be impressive. They will be small and foolish and you will have to grapple with how she could destroy so much over so little.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 2:44 PM, Friday, October 18th]

Amazing how quickly a stupid movie that shows a WS in detail completely throws me off. It’s a MOVIE!!!! ITS NOT REAL!!!! Real enough for me. Ruined my rare good night.

Oh yeah, triggers. They come hard and fast after D-Day and are part of the roller coaster dynamic. Movies and songs. Sometimes songs that have little to do with infidelity, but perfectly characterizes an aspect of our story.

Triggers will subside in time, subside in frequency and severity.

This whole experience will never leave you. It will become a part of you. You will be forever changed, and not necessarily for the worst. That depends on how you incorporate this experience into your you. It’s not just the "That what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger" bit, it’s more profound than that, it’s everything you’re about to learn about yourself, about others, about life.

Hang on and buckle yourself in tight. It’s going to be a wild ride.

I couldn't watch any movie that had infidelity in it for years. I still get triggered by some of them.

Unfortunately, infidelity is everywhere. My wife watches that idiotic show Hoarders. It’s bad enough seeing the filth these people live in. The other night, she’s watching that show and it is revealed that the man is in an affair with his "friend from work". The "kicker" is, the hoarding couple is staying with her after they were evicted from their hoarder house. This isn’t just "mentioned in passing" either. They talk to a therapist about it, their son talks about it and OW comes over to help clean up and causes all kinds of triggers.

I’m thinking my wife would get uncomfortable and change the channel at some point. Or at least ask me if that is bothering me. Nope…..

I’m thinking my wife would get uncomfortable and change the channel at some point. Or at least ask me if that is bothering me. Nope…..

That thought process (or lack of consideration, really) is so foreign to me as to be unthinkable. Is this "simply" an ugly ignorance or could it be another manifestation of a deeply flawed character, where empathy doesn’t exist, which stands to reason played a big part in enabling an adulterer to betray in the way they did?

IDK what your W was thinking, but I like TV, and my W sits with me so we are together. She has to be VERY uncomfortable with a show before she'll bring her discomfort up or ask me if I'm uncomfortable. Otherwise, she waits for me to bring up my own discomfort, if any.

He sits in the front room, I sit in the backroom. I watch news and football (all NFL games that I can find, and college for our state teams), he watches sit-coms from the 70's-80's, and YouTube videos). Do men not like football? Many times, he will not speak to me all day and then just go to bed at night and not say a word to me. Weird. I still have a figure and look nice, make him meals, he shows little if any interest in me. The honeymoon was over a long time ago. The thing is I thought I would have to get fat/ugly/nasty, or maybe cheat, or maybe be a bitch for my husband (love if my life) to cheat on me. I didn't even have a best friend (no offense unthought, my parents divorce involved cheating with a best friend). No, I wasn't prepared for what happened - I feel like such a loser. Sorry for hijacking your post unthought. It doesn't get better, like I hoped and naively thought 35-40 years ago. How can it when your spouse is enjoying sex with someone else?

This I could possibly get over if she could tell me the why’s. This was obviously planned. She put herself in the same position 3 times, with months in between. I can not consider R until I know the why’s. I can get by not knowing what happened in the drunken moments, but I do need to know what made her make the sober decisions to continue the friendship and put herself in the same situation.

Have you explicitly told her this. It's important that she know that you will not have any chance at rebuilding something if she can't get past saying she was drunk and can't remember and really tell you why she would do this and do it more than once.

You're doing all the right things but make sure she knows she needs to be exploring this in IC and in the very near future has to tell you what she was Thinking and feeling at the time.

Did he have her heart? Did she enjoy sex with him more than with you. Did she always know this would someday happen between them? No matter how hard it Is for her to reveal, you need the real truth and brutal honesty.

If it were me I'd Be telling her you'll begin to move on until she can at least begin to come up with those answers and figure out What was Broken Inside her to not care at All how this would affect you and your family

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:15 AM, Sunday, October 20th]

When you caught her, how did she act? Did she act like she had just been outed or was she more not understanding what was happening. If the latter, it would lend some credence to her story. However your friend cannot say the same thing. I can’t imagine catching my wife in the act. I’m sorry buddy. Hope this turns out the best way possible after all this.