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I found what I am almost certain is a fake account as a friend on my WW social media. Too many things don’t add up. Which means if fake, it’s AP, again. He did something similar before, and it reeks of his MO. No bio, no pictures. One follower, my WW.
The account follows to many other accounts that are just beyond coincidence. The church we currently attend, the church of my WW hometown/childhood (over a thousand miles away from where we are now). Another church she goes when she goes back home, that is in a different city. Plus a bunch of accounts that are just politically/ideological to us and she happens to follow them as well.

Plus his name is definitely fake. It’s actually a college football player from my home state and his tag is "linsert the college football team mascot here).

And even if it’s not fake, it’s still a single guy she added without even talking to me about it. The account is new, created just in the last few months, only a few interactions. One that sticks out is she made a post about something she cooked, and on her DM he said "I’d like some" and her response was "I’ll save you a slice". Probably an innocent thing in a non affair marriage, post affair it’s just not tolerated.

I’m working on what my next step will be. Either way she broke my boundaries after breaking my heart. I told her clearly she can make new guy friends all she wants, but not as my wife. I don’t think I would have to lay it out in detail, and honestly I believe she should be taking the extra precautions.

She made so many turnovers and seemed to actually be doing better, I really thought we could make it.

On the other side, i already felt what I had left for her dying away.

If anyone has their own thoughts on this I am happy to hear them. I don’t think I am overreacting, but I am willing to listen if anyone has any counters.

I’m so sorry, Hell.

I agree with you, that is suspicious and my mind would be doing over time, especially if that’s been done before by the AP. Like you said, even if it’s not the AP, it’s still odd that they have a fake profile with a fake name to talk to your wife.

I wouldn’t be able to stop myself asking who it is and she should be able to see why you would ask given her history.

I hope it’s not that, but if it is, I hope you get the truth. My worst fear now is being lied to and feeling like a fool finding out something down the line later on.

Sending you support, keep us posted.

I too have told my WW no more male friends, and if she were to cross that line with me I’m 99.9% sure I’d throw in the towel. Not so much because she crossed that line, but because it would have shown me that she doesn’t have the ability to think of anyone else but herself. If she can’t understand what a simple thing like that would do to you or me, then it would tell me that I would continue to not be safe for future pain.

Sorry...

What this immediately tells me is that she is not acting as a safe partner for you.

my WW social media

She shouldn’t even have social media now. Losses outweigh the gains.

If she can’t understand what a simple thing like that would do to you or me, then it would tell me that I would continue to not be safe for future pain.

Good line from Coping.

Our partners aren't mindreaders. But they ARE someone who was given a specific boundary which should have a lot of thought put around why it has been put in place. If I told my pre-affair wife that she is to have no male friends on social media without my consent, I would consider that controlling. If my not-long-after post-affair wife thought it was okay to add new male friends on her social media without my consent, I would consider that reckless.

It's not just the boundary breaking. It's the ignorance around that decision that makes it most concerning.

It doesn't appear as safe behavior to me. But you asked, so I'll play the devil's advocate... Rhetorically: Did your WW interpret your boundaries the same as you? Did she really believe that a seemingly innocent digital interaction was the same as "making new guy friends"?

If you honestly believe she knowingly and willingly crossed a line, then I am sorry that you have your answer regarding her respect for your boundaries. In that case she obviously placed more value in the connection than your boundaries or the M. It also means there could be other communication mediums that are flying under the radar.

However, if you left the equivalent of a tax loophole in the expectation, it could be innocent grey area that requires more specific instructions.

I'm sorry you found yourself in this predicament and I wish you the best as you try to sort this out.

She knows that account belongs to AP. I’m sure she put the same pieces together that you did. She’s not connecting and interacting with a blank profile for no reason.

Months ago, you suspected that she was still pining after AP… even after she learned that he abused and terrorized your poor son. This is confirmation that your suspicion was correct.

And actually, you’re not setting boundaries… you’re trying to give her rules and hope that she follows them.

A boundary is setting a condition: “If you do x, then I will do y.”

Your wife is not afraid of the consequences for breaking your boundaries because she knows there will be none.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:21 PM, Sunday, July 7th]

This could be a new OM.

But if its the same OM who abused your son? Then this kind of contact should be a deal breaker. Right? She has heard her child talk about what this man did to him,and how it had affected him. If she still has contact with him then you need to understand..she does not care about this child. If she did, she would absolutely hate this man.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but, not too long ago, didn't you over hear her talking to herself(maybe) about how hurt she still feels by OM? Maybe that wasn't her thinking out loud. They may have a way of speaking to each other, that you don't know about.

She's not safe. Not for you..and certainly not for your kids.

I took some heat, a few months ago when I wrongly said a good mom knows when something is wrong with her child. I shouldn't have worded it that way. I was wrong in that instance. However, a mom who knows a man has physically and mentally abused her child, and continues to have feelings for him,and stay in contact in any form..is NOT a good mom. She's dangerous.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:27 PM, Sunday, July 7th]

For fuck’s sake…..

I’ve got no innocent reinterpretations of that for you. Does your wife know that you know about this? If not, do you think you could DM this account thru your wife’s and try to get further proof that it’s AP?

Honestly though, it just doesn’t matter. As you said, she is playing fast and loose and that IS what matters. My last straw with my wife was a tiny blip on the screen in terms of the severity of shitty things she had done. But that fact that she was still hurting me from stupid and reckless actions after all that time and all the pain she saw me go thru, I was just D-U-N, done. Fuck tax loopholes, she should be overpaying to make up years of deficit.

What are you thinking for next moves? How are you holding up internally?

I'm no expert in the field by any means. But I know enough to know that any mother who maintains even the slightest relationship with a man who has abused her child is no mother. She is a danger. Even if this turns out to be someone different than the AP, which seems unlikely, you have enough to know what you must do.

I think it is pretty clear at this point that your WW simply does not care enough about you or your family to change. You know what you need to do next.

So sorry you found this. It may be something innocent or it may not be. Social Media is very deceiving. Once infidelity happens in a M everything becomes suspect unfortunately.

Agree with the poster who said she probably shouldn’t have any social media or maybe you guys do a shared account. Unfortunately these are consequences for her behavior and neither partner will feel at ease. The WS will usually feel it’s controlling and the BS becomes the marriage police indefinitely. It’s a dynamic I don’t ever want to find myself in again.

Unfortunately these are consequences for her behavior and neither partner will feel at ease. The WS will usually feel it’s controlling and the BS becomes the marriage police indefinitely.

The addict that does not find it within themselves to gladly put reasonable restrictions in their own lives will never be a good life partner. Let them do as they please, all Bigger Speech like.

Totally agree with InkHulk on this (as well as others).

she is playing fast and loose and that IS what matters...she should be overpaying to make up years of deficit.

Waywards lack true empathy while they're cheating. She's now seen up close what pain and devastation her betrayal caused. She can't play that "I just never IMAGINED what destruction this would cause" card anymore.

If you said "no male friends" and if she's now working to show empathy, she should be erring on the side of caution--even online. A man sends a friend request? Why not run it by you if she's truly empathetic now?

Let's say it's some random dude (it's not...but let's say it is). Would accepting that friend request be worth it?

If it's some random dude (it's not), there were only 2 possibilities for her thinking:
-She doesn't interpret this as the kind of "male friend" you'd be bothered by, which indicates a real lack of empathy for you and the pain you've been through.
-She knows it might bother you, but wants to do it anyway.

I think she knows who it is, and I think you're correct in your own suspicions about who it is.

But anyway you "slice" it: She's choosing not to be safe by not being at all concerned about threats to the marriage or to how you feel and what you've been through.

I hope you don’t try to make sense of what she does. There is none. It is all senseless. It seems like your description is of a child. One who wants what they want when they want it. You can’t make her grow up. This is who she is and what she does.

Your next trip should be to a lawyer and the second to therapy.

Not sure if it's facebook you are talking about, but aside from the possibility of it being the OM, why would your WW accept a friend request from a stranger?

Over the years, I've gotten so many friend requests from both men and women, and unless I know them or perhaps the individual is a friend of a friend (I check it out first), I would never ever give a stranger a window into my private life. Ever. It's potentially dangerous.

So sorry you are dealing with this again.

I really appreciate everyone’s support, and it’s always refreshing to have input from people who have been through what I have but are still impartial and can offer me non bias advice. One thing I hate the most about this is having to feel like i need to justify my opinions. Logically I know I don’t, I got beat down so bad during the A that it’s still a struggle sometimes.

I will give a response to as many as I can in a while. I needed and still need some time to just consider everything. I am debating on confronting or just exiting at the moment. It’s weird it seems like such a small thing, but I also know it isn’t at all. Still some small doubt it’s AP, but it is extremely weird that the only real person who hen follows and follows him back is my WW. All of the other 20 or so people he follow are groups/business. So out of the millions of people, he found only my WW? Press X for doubt

ETA: it’s IG. I have full access to her account on my phone, I can see everything and everyone, which makes it more bizarre as to why she wouldn’t even mention it

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 1:59 AM, Monday, July 8th]

It may seem like a "small thing" but kind of like in a movie, car is teetering on the edge of a cliff but stabilized, little bird lands on the hood and off the cliff it goes….

Take your time, man. I know people talk about using the moment of anger to propel yourself out. But you and I both spent a shit ton of time trying to put things back together. If you are done, you will know it, you don’t have to be rash. Just as long as you don’t compromise yourself, and I fucking know you won’t do that, just take your time to understand this. Praying for you.