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I’ve been weighing heavily on sending a message to the POS OW who turned my life/my family’s life upside down. *Before you comment about my WH … absolutely I have been holding him accountable for his part in this, he is no innocent bystander in my eyes that’s for sure.*

I never got to approve of or be apart of a NC letter - my WH took this matter into his own hands and ended it with her the following day at work after DDay. In all fairness, I didn’t really understand what a NC letter was or how important and powerful it can be for some of us BS to be apart of it.

It wasn’t until I actually discovered who she was (physically) when I found her on FB a couple of months ago that I thought to myself … "WTF was he thinking!" She’s nearly a decade older than me, not attractive and somebody he sure as sh!t wouldn’t bat an eye at if she walked past him on the street.

Needless to say, since this discovery of who she is and that I can message her at the tip of my finger has been heavily weighing on me. I don’t necessarily want to lash out at her or give her power over me - actually I don’t really know what I want to say to her! Maybe something along the lines of "what kind of a mother/wife are you for doing this to another mother/wife" … kinda thing; keep it simple you know?

My WH did offer for us to sit down and write something together to her if it would help me. I was appreciative of his willingness to want to do that for me/with me. On the other hand it’s been almost 5 1/2 months since DDay and I feel like "what’s the point" now.

My parents and best friend are telling me to let it be now and that my WH did the "right" thing and ended it immediately and that bringing this to her attention could cause unnecessary pain for myself and cutting open a wound that hasn’t even begun to heal.

Can anyone of you here relate to my specific dilemma? What did you do or what would you do in this situation?

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 8:22 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

Write it. Then burn it.

That door is shut. Don't open a window into your pain, or your marriage.

All you will accomplish is making her feel she was more important than she was.

I confronted the MOW right away. I did it on D-day but don't expect to get anything resembling being sorry or any remorse. I know some do feel bad but most give snarky unempathetic responses like "Well if you were taking care of your husband he wouldn't be with me" kind of a thing.

It all depends on the person. I wanted MOW to know that I knew what was happening, in your case she already knows that you know and hopefully your WS ending it and having NC sends a strong enough message to her.

Does your WS work with the OW?

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:27 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

HellFire:

Thank you for your feedback. I needed to hear this from another BS POV.

crazyblindsided:

Thank you for your response. I wouldn’t be expecting to get an apology from her. According to my WH and other employees from his place of employment she is a flight risk and psychotic. I honestly have no idea what she could/would say or do if I wrote something to her.

Yes, she is fully aware that I know. My WH confronted her the following day ending it (there was never any emotional connection that he had for her, however, I believe there was an emotional attachment that she had for him).

They DID work together. Keyword DID. Long story short, but my WH confronted his boss about what transpired between the 2 of them and said he could not remain an employee if she was there any longer. After some due diligence on their part, they let her go (she was not well liked, was not good at her job and treated her co workers like they were below her). She is not missed.

I confronted her multiple times right after d day. Husband sent what I felt to be a weak it’s over letter and 5 months later, under advice from infidelity counselor he sent another firm and what I believed to be hurtful no contact letter. There had been zero contact from either side since d day, but counselor rightly so believed I needed her to be told exactly how irrelevant she has always been to him. No regrets. It helped in my healing knowing she knows she was an escape rather than a "love". I know many say not to bother, but I disagree. I think it’s needed for some and not others. I needed her to hear exactly what he thought of her. 🤷‍♀️ and yes, I know husband was to blame as well, but this was a double betrayal and supposedly "my friend" I did what I needed to do.

What did you do or what would you do in this situation?

I'm not sure I have enough information here. Is beating her with a stick feasible?

Shevwint hear what you have to say. Broken people don't take responsibility for their actions.

I do believe writing the letters and burning them can be cathartic. I can't tell you how many times I did that on the first year after dday.

I like HellFire’s recommendation of "write it and then burn it".

If she is out of your life, why would you want to invite her back in? Also on another thread, you had mentioned telling the OBS. According to your husband, he was "aware and didn’t care". (I’m not sure how that all turned out). What if that isn’t true? The villain in these stories is a matter of perspective. To him, your husband IS the POSOM. What if he doesn’t know about the affair and you alert him by contacting the OW? Seems like a LOT of potential risk for a little bit of satisfaction.

I don’t necessarily want to lash out at her or give her power over me - actually I don’t really know what I want to say to her! Maybe something along the lines of "what kind of a mother/wife are you for doing this to another mother/wife" … kinda thing; keep it simple you know?

I also feel you WOULD give her some power over you. "Months later and she still thinks about me". Also, you are applying YOUR morals (wife and mother shame) to someone who doesn’t HAVE any. Their actions prove that. She couldn’t care less about the "woman code". My WW was the OW in multiple affairs. That always bothered me. The other families and spouses impacted by her cheating. One of her AP’s wife was 3 months pregnant (first child) when they started their affair, delivered the baby and he turned 1 during the affair. I asked her the "how could you do that to them" question. She said "their marriages, kids and families aren’t MY concern. THEY decide to cheat with ME". There you have it….

[This message edited by ImaChump at 9:13 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

Don't poke the psychotic bear.

Broken people don't take responsibility for their actions.

100% agree.

I agree with the recommendation to write it out, but not send it.

OnTheOtherSideOfHell:

I appreciate your response. You kinda hit the nail on the head with wanting to let the OW know her "irrelevance" to him - that’s essentially what I would want to reiterate to her. In your specific circumstance, I can see why you would want to confront the OW - so very personal!

Notthevictem:

Seriously, contemplated showing her a piece of my mind on a daily basis when I knew exactly where she would be.

tushnurse:

Thank you for responding! I’m not much of a letter writing and burning type of person to express my anger, but I might have to give this a try and see what it does!

ImaChump:

I agree - "why let her back in."

I did reach out with a subtle "hello are you so and so" type of message to the OBS on FB (only way I can communicate with him), however, I have not gotten a response - his profile has not been updated in quite sometime so he might not be active on it. So not too sure how or if this method will be effective.

Again, I agree with your statement about morals. Clearly she has none!

Thank you for your response!

ScaredSoul33:

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond! I will definitely give the writing it out a try.

Here's the thing though..

Hearing from his wife that she was irrelevant to him means absolutely nothing. No disrespect to Otherside..at all. Ow knows what your husband said to her. She believes that. Nothing his wife says to her will make her think otherwise. After all, as far as she's concerned, he cheated on you because she was special enough to risk his marriage..and losing you. Anything you say to her will be a lie, and sour grapes..I guarantee that's what she will think. Have you ever read any OW forums? They always believe their OM..and the wife is a vile, bitter, horrible person.

Now, I do agree with Otherside, about confronting, in her situation. Apparently ow was supposed to be a friend of hers. A double betrayal. Hell yes, I'd confront, in that type of scenario.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:40 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

You need to tell the obs. Send a certified letter to his home. One that requires his signature.

Your husband knows her address.

I’m not much of a letter writing and burning type of person to express my anger

You could start small. Write her name on some toilet paper and wipe first.

Hellfire, I agree the OW often doesn’t believe the truth, but I got to listen to her crying message asking why he lied and mislead her and how heartbroken she was. And I got to see my husband’s calloused eye roll and deleting said message. So… she knew. 🤷‍♀️ and in my husband’s situation she didn’t mean enough to risk his marriage. In his messed up mind being caught was never a possibility so 🤷‍♀️. Ya, he was wrong and stupid but had he actually had the mental maturity to see that as a risk I don’t believe he’d have ever cheated. Not an excuse and not any less hurtful, but delusional thinking isn’t logical. He has repeatedly said when it started he literally never considered the possibility of being caught. Figured it was just a little high that would hurt no one. 🙄

HellFire:

One thing I have discovered from SI is that infidelity is not a one size fits all. My WH is guilty for his part in the infidelity, however, this was not your case of exchanging gifts, ILYs, lavish nights out/away etc.

Quick background: She offered to give him BJs (this happened approximately 8 different times over the course of 3 months) - after work they would drive around (in separate vehicles) to a secluded spot and either she would come into his car or him into hers. He says he never wanted any "romance" from it, wasn’t in it for her and that it was strictly about ridding his "sexual frustrations."

The reason I "believe" him is because I caught him with a VAR - literally all of 3 minutes - no in depth conversation; it was in the car and then out. I believe I have as detailed of a timeline from him and that full transparency has been disclosed. He has never ever been to her house, nor has she been here (I’m a SAHM and always home).

My hands are tied I believe. I have gone out of my way to search and find her and her husband on FB (it was not easy as they have pretty private profiles). I’m at "peace" knowing I have tried to reach out to him in literally the only way I can. If in fact he did discover the infidelity (according to the OW her husband knew and didn’t care because their marriage is nothing more than a convenience and they stay together for their children) he never made any attempt to reach out to me.

She offered to give him BJs (this happened approximately 8 different times over the course of 3 months) - after work they would drive around (in separate vehicles) to a secluded spot and either she would come into his car or him into hers. He says he never wanted any "romance" from it, wasn’t in it for her

This is exactly the same as my husband's affair. All of it. It's one of the reasons I think I was able to offer R. Had there been any emotions involved, I'm not sure I could have.

I was able to tell her husband. She had been telling my husband that her husband was abusive. That he had beat her in front of the neighbor next door,etc. Imagine his surprise when I told him. It helped that my cousin was her next door neighbor, lol. The truth was, she was the one beating him in the front yard. And she was the one with the dv charges. But that was her narrative. She even told everyone here how abused she was. She's insane.

So..that's partly why I advised you not contact her. If she is psychotic, she will thrive on the attention. Ow still stalks ME..over a decade later. Crazy people do crazy things. I've come to accept I will never have peace. Well..she's in prison right now, so for a few years, I will have that peace. Eventually, she will be released..and mailing stupid things to my home again.

If you can avoid the crazy..avoid the crazy.

Notthevictem:

Yes! I like that

HellFire:

I appreciate your response. By the sounds of it the OW in your situation is a complete whack job and that’s just awful you have had to endure her psychotic-ness this entire time.

I believe I will leave it be. If she’s as crazy in the head as I believe her to be, I don’t need to open up something that I know has been over for quite some time now. I have satisfaction knowing that she knows the reasoning behind her being let go was due to my WH!

Kinda off topic, but I’m curious if you decided to stay with your WH after the DDay #2?

I stayed through some trickle truth. I realized that was going to happen. I told him that any inappropriate sexual contact with another person would be automatic D. Well, he crossed that line so we are D after 30+ years of M.

What are your boundaries and what is acceptable (and not acceptable) to you?

I’m curious if you decided to stay with your WH after the DDay #2?

I am still here. During my investigation, before confrontation, I became very ill. I confronted, and was lied to. Simultaneously, I was seeing my doctor, with lots of tests,scans, and being sent to several specialists. Cancer became a huge concern. It resulted in several diagnoses..heart and thyroid disease..and a scan that ultimately revealed an extremely large mass on my left ovary. This ended with a hysterectomy, and the mass being removed, and analyzed. No cancer. Today is actually my 6 week post operative appointment.

Wh has been amazing during this time. He has taken complete care of me. He was terrified I had cancer, and he would lose me. Of course, I needed to focus on my health..it was way more important than his sketchy behavior. So I swept it all under the rug, to focus on staying calm, eliminating as much stress as possible, and getting healthy. I have kids who need me. I was not about to allow the stress of his bullshit to cause me to further deteriorate.

But..I am mending. I am getting stronger. And I will be throwing the rug away,and we will be dealing with what he's done..again. He will be taken off guard,because he believes I believed his lies. I didn't, I don't. I just had more important things to deal with.

Will I stay? I don't know. That depends on him, I suppose. I do know he loves me. We've been together for 25 years..and his fear of losing me was very apparent.

I will not stay with a liar. He will either be honest, and I will attempt reconciliation. Or he will lie,and I will divorce. I know the truth. I found all I needed to know when I investigated. So there is no question what he has done. If he won't be honest, and commit to becoming a safe partner for me, I will be done. No hesitation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:36 PM, Friday, March 8th]

In my case, the thing, IT, derived a lot of pleasure from the harm and damage she was doing. All A's are different, but this one wasn't just about my husband, it was about taking the whole thing down. The whole thing being him, me, our kids, our family.

So ... in my case ... confronting this thing, it, would only have resulted in satisfaction for her. And insight for future use against us. I never had the need anyway, but I can see how a BS in other circumstances might think about it.

Do you believe (really???) that she might have a sense of morality or ethics? It's highly doubtful that played a role for her. Maybe you believe approaching her that way might be a way to help you and your husband heal? By appealing to her humanity??

But what do you know about her to make you think she's even capable of comprehending where you're coming from? Or that she cares? You're assuming morality and ethics even matter to her. The fact they matter to you doesn't mean they do to her. I'm afraid you might end up opening yourself up to more hurt if you confront this thing.

Affairs are about psychological needs and conveniance. The people who engage in them make ass_umptions about each other built on a scaffoding of toothpics. Except for LTA's, that's another category. Chances are what she was aiming for is not what your H was aiming for even as they were in it.

Be careful. If your marriage was good before this, fight to fix it. If it was unstable, maybe plan differently. But do not give this thing more access to you. Shut her out. That's the statement to make ... get out. Silence might be the best way to do it.

Given the emotional vulnerability of us betrayed spouses, we need to be really careful and protect ourselves. All that thing needs to do is fabricate one lie, one insinuation, and emotionally ruin both you and your H. To plant one seed of doubt could be enough to derail your and your husbands lives.

Not recognizing her existence might be the strongest statement you could make.

[This message edited by Elica at 6:02 AM, Saturday, March 9th]