SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Long back story (search member 'Hickoryapple' for the details). The short(ish) story - we got together around 1991/92? at Uni, were happy for 7 years until he joined the UK Navy (although about 5 years in I realised he'd taken a condom away for a work do, which he didn't bring back, and was seemingly remorseful over). Living away gave him the opportunity to cheat with one of his friends who was newly single in 1999. He almost broke up with me at that time but changed his mind. Said there hadn't been any other women.

Years of hidden porn use and potentially dodgy activities happened over the years, which I wasn't always aware of at the time. Now married with kids, pets and house, we emigrated to the same country as my family in 2015. He tripped himself up shortly after with a single comment, and I started digging. Didn't admit anything until I had confirmation from AP, the one I had originally suspected and asked about when he had said he wanted to break up in 1999. This Dday was in 2018. He'd done the usual deny, trickle truth etc, over all these years. 2015 onwards was intense, as I knew something had happened and tried to find out what it was. I had very bad sleep, lots of stress, depression, and poor eating and drinking habits. Then was diagnosed type2 diabetic (insulin resistant) in 2020. Research shows stress and poor sleep etc can contribute to insulin resistance, and I'm pretty sure those years are what triggered it.

It is worth noting that he saw an IC after I insisted, but didn't really do the 'homework' activities. He didn't really do anything unless I asked him to, and only admitted to things I had been able to find out myself. He still continued to lie over small things (such as spending time out alone with a colleague he fantasised about, while on deployment) and when confronted, said that as soon as he'd said he hadn't spent time with her, he knew it was the wrong thing to say, but he didn't actually correct it until I said I knew otherwise. He admitted to being resentful when we moved here, and I later found he'd searched up Tinder in the app store, and Ashley Madison while away on his first deployment while here. He still does not reassure me automatically when I ask about something, and gets on the defensive very quickly, saying he is 'not going to argue'.

Things settled down over 2020 onwards, as he had a post close to home and wasn't deployed. However, he came home last night and said that his new post (from March) is away from home. He will live away and come home at weekends. I slept very badly last night, going over all the unresolved things which were potentially cheating but can't be proved, and how easy it will be for him to do 'whatever' through the week. His previous actions show that he cannot/will not be honest. I cannot just walk away, due to finances and one kid currently in their last year of high school here. I WFH, have 2 pets and 2 teenagers in the home, who are good kids, but need a lot of encouragement and support to get stuff done. I am already getting stressed about the next 2-2 1/2 years basically parenting alone, while he's off with no responsibilities outside of work. I know there will be social events.

Any good ideas for staying sane and healthy over the next few years? I don't want to fall down the rabbit hole of checking up all the time, but feel that sticking my head in the sand will give him free rein to behave poorly, as he's proved he can get away with it all before and now has an opportunity again. (I do not beieve IC will be beneficial to me, as it does not change the facts I am dealing with.)

Hi and welcome to Surviving Infidelity's community. Here you will fund support and advice. there is a Healing Library that can help you fund a topic or info on many things infidelity related.

in all honesty it appears as though your H has been cheating for many years and doesn't think he has ti be monogamous. How sad!

For you, trying to learn to live with this is like living in an abusive environment. He will lie and cheat and disrespect you, and you will accept it. That is what you have painted as your marriage going forward.

Please know you deserve better.

You can very calmly confront him every time you find out he chested. It doesn't have to be a fight. it can be a comment like "hey I know you went out w/ Z last night".

therapy could help you learn some coping schools. you don't have to D him if you don't want to and that is not what therapy is about.

keep posting here. its a community of people who understand.

Hi Hickoryapple2, I'm so sorry you are going through this tough time.

There is something in between your two options of checking up all the time and burying your head in the sand. My advice to you, being almost 20 years out of my first known DDAY, and divorced for 6 years, is to take the time you have without him around to STOP thinking about him. This does NOT mean bury your head in the sand. This means start living YOUR fabulous life and honestly, when you aren't there to take all his calls and be available all the time, he might just start wondering what YOU are doing.

Turn the tables, live your life, raise your awesome kids and be a beacon for them. He doesn't matter.

You might find you've outgrown him...but YOU do have more options than worrying about him while he's gone. Take up a new hobby! Learn a new language. The new you will scare him....or at least will make him curious.

I hope this helps...

I think it was Nelson who said something like, 'Every man is a bachelor when they get past Gibraltar.' I agree with The1stWife that your H is likely to cheat again, but you're looking at 30 months of mainly 'you' time (except for dealing with teens). You can use that time to prepare for your future, whether it's R, D, or simply staying together.

You're articulate and insightful. You're university trained. You're smart. I think you might get some help with assertiveness, but that is probably true for most of us. Why not use the time to upgrade your skills and find a new job that will enable you to be financially independent?

That's just another option to consider.

Hi all, thanks for the replies. Feels weird being back here after so long thinking things were settled, but it is what it is. Slowly coming to terms with the fact that he doesn't appear to have developed any more empathy and finer feelings than he had before.

The1stWife - yeah, I agree there's more than the little I have uncovered, most likely other cases of cheating, and being so easy, why wouldn't he do it again. This seems especially true given his lack of support now I'm feeling weird about him living away again. The most frustrating thing is the lack of evidence though. It's not a matter of calmly confronting him about stuff, because I largely don't know what he's doing.

ErinHa - Thanks. I get what you're saying, I really do. This is how I have lived for the majority of the time we have been together. It really doesn't matter to him what I do. When we had newly moved countries and he was away, he'd usually ring us for 10 minutes a day while he was on the way out with his colleagues, or similar. He really doesn't care. Or if he does, he'd see it as an excuse for him to do whatever he wanted and feel fine about it. Way back before kids I'd asked him about someone he was spending a lot of time (out of work) with, and he basically said that if I was accusing him of something, he may as well do it. I can see this could have been frustration talking, but it came years after the physical cheating I later found out about, and taken along with everything else, it isn't a good look.

sisoon - haha, after work, kids, pets, house and other associated stuff, there's not that much 'me' time :). I did look into rebuilding my career over here a while back, but I'd have to do a very expensive conversion course, and tbh, I don't think I have the stamina for it anymore (teaching). It's quite late in life for me to be retraining for a new career (51), and I also can't do the physically demanding stuff that I could previously - those kinds of non-career jobs don't pay enough anyway, seem to have low contracted hours, and taking into account the excessive cost of living and rents right now....add in all the crap that goes along with this 'time of life', and I'm really not seeing how it could work out. I know I sound quite pessimistic about these things, but I've looked into it and the numbers don't add up. It's like a reverse baby trap. I feel like I've wasted my decent years and he's strung me along long enough to not have any decent alternatives. At least my daughter isn't planning on getting married and having kids!

I know I'll be slightly mentally better off not dwelling on what he's doing while away, but I can't express enough how pissed off I am that he's probably going to be having a great time doing whatever while I'm at home slogging away, knowing he sees nothing wrong in keeping things from me or lying to my face. I'd like a loving, respectful, and fulfilling relationship, but it isn't happening with him, and I'm not going to blow up the kids lives at this sensitive time in order to try and find it elsewhere (while also in financial distress). I'm just so mad I wasted time on him which he didn't appreciate or respect. And now I'm old and past it!

It’s not too late to retrain for new career. I got my master’s in my 50s and it opened the door to a much better job.
I kinda see him being deployed as an amazing opportunity for you to plan your future without him looking over your shoulder. Get a new job, build new hobbies, and basically build the life you want. When he comes back, you can decide if you want him. Or not.

Teens are lots of work, but you have to invest in you. Seeing you take that initiative may be the modeling they need to see. (And yeah, I know teens are special breed :-) ).

Nothing changes if you don’t change something. This could be your chance. He’s not going to change, so it’s up to you.

You are not too old and past it. You deserve to be happy & healthy no matter what season of your life you are in.

Many of us have been on that road so you are not alone. I had a full-time job while doing an accelerated college degree program, running kids around/raising children, tending to the household and chores solo, etc. It is hard and I cried through many times of shoveling snow...but you are in good company.

I know it is hard but you WH is going to do what he wants whether he is coming home each night or staying somewhere else. If he wants to be loyal, he will do it regardless. You can not control that (not make yourself nuts trying too). Even if you are tracking his every move and find nothing....would you even believe it after all this? So why bother. You already know what his character is.

Instead, you work on what YOU can control. You start making your exit plans and getting that in order. It doesn't matter if you decide to go or not, what is important is to have it all ready for when/if you do. You start making health plans to be the best you that you can be for yourself and your children.