Dday was 2018, thought I was settled, but he will be working away again soon and I am Not okay with it.
Long back story (search member 'Hickoryapple' for the details). The short(ish) story - we got together around 1991/92? at Uni, were happy for 7 years until he joined the UK Navy (although about 5 years in I realised he'd taken a condom away for a work do, which he didn't bring back, and was seemingly remorseful over). Living away gave him the opportunity to cheat with one of his friends who was newly single in 1999. He almost broke up with me at that time but changed his mind. Said there hadn't been any other women.
Years of hidden porn use and potentially dodgy activities happened over the years, which I wasn't always aware of at the time. Now married with kids, pets and house, we emigrated to the same country as my family in 2015. He tripped himself up shortly after with a single comment, and I started digging. Didn't admit anything until I had confirmation from AP, the one I had originally suspected and asked about when he had said he wanted to break up in 1999. This Dday was in 2018. He'd done the usual deny, trickle truth etc, over all these years. 2015 onwards was intense, as I knew something had happened and tried to find out what it was. I had very bad sleep, lots of stress, depression, and poor eating and drinking habits. Then was diagnosed type2 diabetic (insulin resistant) in 2020. Research shows stress and poor sleep etc can contribute to insulin resistance, and I'm pretty sure those years are what triggered it.
It is worth noting that he saw an IC after I insisted, but didn't really do the 'homework' activities. He didn't really do anything unless I asked him to, and only admitted to things I had been able to find out myself. He still continued to lie over small things (such as spending time out alone with a colleague he fantasised about, while on deployment) and when confronted, said that as soon as he'd said he hadn't spent time with her, he knew it was the wrong thing to say, but he didn't actually correct it until I said I knew otherwise. He admitted to being resentful when we moved here, and I later found he'd searched up Tinder in the app store, and Ashley Madison while away on his first deployment while here. He still does not reassure me automatically when I ask about something, and gets on the defensive very quickly, saying he is 'not going to argue'.
Things settled down over 2020 onwards, as he had a post close to home and wasn't deployed. However, he came home last night and said that his new post (from March) is away from home. He will live away and come home at weekends. I slept very badly last night, going over all the unresolved things which were potentially cheating but can't be proved, and how easy it will be for him to do 'whatever' through the week. His previous actions show that he cannot/will not be honest. I cannot just walk away, due to finances and one kid currently in their last year of high school here. I WFH, have 2 pets and 2 teenagers in the home, who are good kids, but need a lot of encouragement and support to get stuff done. I am already getting stressed about the next 2-2 1/2 years basically parenting alone, while he's off with no responsibilities outside of work. I know there will be social events.
Any good ideas for staying sane and healthy over the next few years? I don't want to fall down the rabbit hole of checking up all the time, but feel that sticking my head in the sand will give him free rein to behave poorly, as he's proved he can get away with it all before and now has an opportunity again. (I do not beieve IC will be beneficial to me, as it does not change the facts I am dealing with.)
6 comments posted: Thursday, January 18th, 2024
