SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you everyone for all the input. I really do appreciate it.

Bluerthanblue:

"So now that the cat is out of the bag and your marriage is truly shattered, why does he want to save it? Is it just for practical reasons (he doesn't want to lose time with his kids, finances, etc)?"

-I think and feel so eventhough he was/is saying that he still loves me, wants me and our family. He told me that both him and the OW knew their boundaries?! (I dont know WTF boundaries they are talking about) that whatever they have -- is all that and they cannot go anything beyond that because the OW is married and he is married. They wont leave their spouses. (Oh gosh! This makes me mad every time! He is such an asshole).
Financially wise, not really. He makes more than I am.

"Is it because he's afraid of how people will view him?"

-Maybe especially with his circle of friends. They think highly of him (very kind, family man, hardworking, etc etc). Both our families though know what had happened.

"Does he like the comfort of marriage and the role you serve as his wife?"
- Not sure about this.

"Is he deathly afraid of change?"

-Absolutely especially not seeing his kids daily.

"Is he hoping you will just get frustrated and give up so he doesn't have to take responsibility for the end of the marriage?"

- No, I dont think so.

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There are lots of 🚩 TBH and reasons for me to D him and not give the gift of R (I know) but I can't do it, not now. Still trying to figure it out because of our kids (1 & 5yo). I know for a fact he needs help, he really does but I can only do much. I've told him numerous times that IC will help but he declined.

As for my IC, had a chance to talk to her yesterday. She told me that she can see or feel something in me that maybe I could be the one to help my H to heal??!! (Back story: H grew up w/o his parents as theyre working abroad so he lives with his relatives. Does not have a parent figure to talk about his emotions, problems etc etc.) I told her how is that possible when I, myself, is broken and couldn't even figure out my own sh*t. After talking to her, I don't even know if I still want to find a new therapist.

At this point, I am getting tired and we are only 6 months out like Ive said before. I even asked myself why am I doing this and why am I the one making so much effort to fix it and sometimes I just want to give up and walk away. I'm on 90% staying because of our kids. 10% on because still care and love him (wont lie about that) but as you guys mentioned he needs to prove that he can be a safe partner. Unfortunately, I don't feel or see it at the moment or maybe I am just expecting too much. 😔

If I may add:

I think I am the problem.
I couldn't decide if I want to fix it or D him.

There are days that I would tell him that I want him and want to fix our relationship and will give him a chance.

There are days that I will break those words and wants to D him because of the memories/triggers that haunt me.

There are days that I will just bring up his affair to his face and just say any words that I could think of.

Soo yeah, I am all over the place and so messed up.
I cannot let go of the past and still holding on the pain that they have caused.
I thought I am strong enough to overcome this but I guess I am not afterall.

The up and down emotions, the lashing out..are all 100% NORMAL. You are 6 months from dday1, and one month from dday2.

Your ws is hardly the picture of a remorseful ws.

You, dear lady,are not the problem here.

Maybe I'm missing something in the context of your discussion with your IC, but if she really did suggest to you-- her client-- that maybe you could heal your husband, then you should fire this quack immediately. That's like telling a person who was mugged on the street that they should try to heal their attacker who had a bad childhood. Find a counselor who is interested in helping you heal and will put your interests first.

As for the questions I posed, which you responded to, those were more for you to discuss with your husband and have him mull over. If he wants this marriage, he should be able to articulate the reasons that he wants to save the marriage and why it's worth it for you to take the risk.

And just to reiterate, if he doesn't want or think he needs IC, that's fine. But doing nothing and relying on you to come up with suggestions (only for him to pick and choose what he prefers) is unacceptable. Either he pilots the reconciliation plane or it crashes.

You are NOT the problem. Your uncertainty about D/R is entirely normal at this point, and the uncertainty should persist, IMO, until you get evidence either way of your H's willingness to do the work necessary for R. Going back and forth - thinking you've made a decision - is par for the course.

At the same time, my reco is not to use the D word unless you really mean it. You'll get more relief from figuring out what you're feeling and expressing your feelings by saying 'I want to D.'

For example, you could say:
I'm afraid to choose R because I don't know if you'll do the work.
I'm furious that you cheated.
I'm so sad that you betrayed me.

(Note: I think IC is essential for WSes, in general, but there ARE WSes who heal without it it. Will your H be one of those? In many cases, six months isn't enough time to know.)