SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum, so please bare with me if this not the norm.

Part of me thinks my husband of 18 years has cheated on me. Part of me thinks I've read to many message boards and I'm just being paranoid.

On New Year's Eve, after spending several hours at a party, we came home and were watching TV. We had both had quite a lot to drink. (*I think in the back of my mind there have been times when I thought maybe my husband cheated. He's gone on golf trips, one work trip, spent some weird time away from home early on in our marriage, and some of those times I've felt something was off in my gut. But, I couldn't put my finger on what was off, so I let it go.)

On NYE, I looked at him and point blank asked if he had ever cheated on me. Both times he said no. But it's not what he said, it was his body language- deer in headlights look, stiff body, almost scared. I let it go.

The next day, he acted like I never asked it.

^^His response and the next day reaction are all off for our normal communication. He normally would've said hey do you remember asking me this? He would've expected it to be something we laughed about.

And then two night later, he came to bed after I was asleep, he had had a couple of beers and he says I love you. (pause) I'm sorry.

I waited a few seconds and I ask, why are you sorry? He goes, oh no- you are trying to bait me.

I just let that drop and haven't mentioned anything. But we are 5 days out and things are not what they usually are with us. He is very cautious around me right now.

I feel like I'm rambling. I also feel like I'm looking way too into this. I also feel like I don't really want to know. But I also feel like I should know...

Does anyone have any feedback on what next steps for me might be?

TIA

Sorry that you're here and questioning your spouse's fidelity. Can you ask him again while you're sober? Are you able to look through his phone?

Besides your gut feeling, are there any other issues in your marriage that make you dissatisfied with your M? I ask this because our gut usually "talks" to us because there are also other issues. There were a few times where things were just off in my M. When I finally did the work on myself to heal, not just from my M but from a traumatic childhood, I came to a VERY CLEAR realization that I should have D my ex long before his first affair. He was a shit H. All of his selfishness and entitlement eventually led him to also cheating. It sounds like yours could be possibly physically cheating or betraying you in some other way while on his way to cheating. You can go all out becoming Geraldo Rivera if you need to. Start with checking the phone records for excessive texts or phone calls to one number. Is he acting suspicious with his phone? Does he puck fights so he can leave for hours at a time without suspicion for his whereabouts? I'm sorry you're here.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 2:23 AM, Saturday, January 6th]

Welcome to SI, the one thing most of us have learned here is to always trust your gut. There are so many things I ignored, but never again. You already had a gut feeling and he didn't help ease it at all. You definitely need to dig a little deeper in it.

If my W asked me that I would want to know why she would ask such a question, I would not ignore it or pretend it didn't happen. I hope you find your answers.

Is there a way that I can reply to individual comments?

To answer some questions...

Yes, I can absolutely ask again when sober. I am struggling with how to bring it up and also I do not want to bring it up at a time when our kids can hear. However, I hesitate to schedule a talk because I feel like that gives him time to come up with answers. So timing and fear keep me from it.

I´ve reflected a lot since posting this. I think probably after the initial question on NYE, he has talked to someone. His comment about baiting him seems like someone put that idea in his head, not something he would say.

I have looked on his phone but I don´t know what I am looking for. I don´t suspect a full blown affair. I think more than likely there been one or more ONS on these trips.

Our marriage has been happy. I don´t look back and see anything that makes me feel like we don´t have a good marriage. My biggest complaints are that he isn´t proactive enough in his career, his family, and I think he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I would 100% guarantee if something happened, it happened when he was drunk.

Please let me know if you have other questions or advice.

I would definitely follow up with a conversation but expect that he may turn it on you or just flat out not be truthful. Mine swore for months nothing physical happened but he’s not a good liar and I did research on body language even lying and he did many of those things. I found out about one affair two years ago and in the process eventually found out about three one night stands spanning ten years. We also had a good marriage but in hindsight there were subtle signs and I didn’t trust my gut. I just never imagined as he always seemed to adore me. I think that was true to an extent, his affairs were not emotional all. Opportunities on work trips with alcohol involved. He sounds very similar to my WH. Not invested in family life enough and not an alcoholic but drinking too much. You may not find physical evidence. If I had not found texts from his latest affair there is no way I would have known about the one night stands.

His behavior alone is suspicious. YOU know your husband. I can very clearly remember NOW, all the suspicious comments he made and actions. At the time, I didn't want to see it because it wasn't hard proof. KWIM? Are there any numbers you don't recognize? Repeated over and over at times inappropriate for a married man? My ex once made a comment that he didn't deserve me. It was so out of the blue. We were driving home. He had gotten quiet for a few minutes. We stopped at a light. He just blurted it out and then told me how much he loved me. I KNEW. In that moment my heart stopped. I asked him why he felt he didn't deserve me and was he cheating on me. He denied it. After that I was suspicious but also, at the same time, didn't want to find out he was cheating. Don't wait for a good time to talk, make it. Send your kids to their rooms or outside to play and just tell them you and Dad need to talk. Then talk with your husband. Tell him your suspicions. Watch his body language and facial expressions closely. If you are too afraid to do this, maybe consider hiring a PI. A good one is expensive but will give you your answer.
If he has an AP (affair partner), and not just one night stand hook ups, you may want to place a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his vehicle. But honestly, you will know by his behavior and facial expressions if you talk to him.

Thanks to everyone who commented. I'm hoping to have the talk tonight after the kids go to bed. In reflection, I think part of what makes me suspicious is how uncomfortable he is if I go out of town or have a girls night. He is insecure in a way that I am not.

I think another part of why I hesitate is because I don't know what I want things to look like or what to happen moving forward. I don't know "next steps" and that's hard for me because I am a planner...

Sorry that you find yourself here and while it may very well turn out to not be cheating, experience tells me that you didn’t wind up on this website by accident as it is not a part of the internet you just stumble upon for fun like GitHub (I’m a nerd and learned a lot on GitHub), so sorry in advance.

What stuck out at me was you mentioned in your last post that your husband gets uncomfortable if you have a girls day out or even go out of town. My question is "Uncomfortable how? Are there specific behaviors that he does that only happen around your social events? Just trying to understand the nature of these things.

Your husband may or may not have cheated on you, whether it be years ago during a trip or more recently, there are likely things you forgot or noticed, especially if some time has passed, our memories tend to fade.

How is he with his phone and other devices? Do you have free access to his devices? Does your husband use Telegram, Signal, WhatsApp, SnapChat or social media such as Twitter, Instagram, Facebook or TikTok? All of those different apps have direct messaging features and even calling features that because they are relying on IP, don’t show up on a phone bill. SnapChat feels like it was designed by cheaters for cheaters, because the messages can be pictures as well as text and they automatically delete after so long. Having any or all of these alone does not constitute cheating, as WhatsApp for example, in my life, because my wife is from outside the US, we both use WhatsApp to keep in touch with her family back home, but I also used WhatsApp to conduct my EA with a woman from Mexico. So take it from someone who knows both sides of it, an awful lot could be concealed in very legitimate apps.

The simple truth is that cheaters lie and lie until we are exhausted. If your husband did in fact cheat on you at some point, he is quite unlikely to ever admit it openly. Again, back to experience, it’s rare that cheaters will admit to an affair, although it has happened, but it’s most often because the affair partner (AP) is going to out them, so they will try to beat the AP to the punch by coming clean. Save for that, there are some cheaters who will go on for years and their betrayed spouse (BS) is none the wiser. It’s fine to have the talk with your husband, but unfortunately, I don’t expect it to be all that productive.

I don't know how to describe how he acts when I go out or travel. Unhappy? But it's more of pouting but he won't come right out and say what his concerns are because he expects to be able to travel when he wants to.

My H only recently got IG, which I have checked. Not FB or Twitter. I would have to check for SC, WA, and some of the others mentioned, which I appreciate them being mentioned as I have no idea what other apps are out there.

In a healthy marriage, one partner spending time away from the marriage, whether that be a few hours or a number of days on a trip shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Your husband at this state is nothing more than a suspected cheater, but I will tell you that cheaters are amazing at DARVO and projection, so it is possible he assumes that you are cheating when you go. Tell me, has that come up? When you tell him you are having drinks with the girls, does he ask who is going to be present and more importantly how have you handled it?

I am not sure what pouting and being upset about a spouse going out means. If he were cheating and you were gonna be gone for a defined time, it would be the perfect time to sneak someone over or to sneak away.

I feel like I'm rambling. I also feel like I'm looking way too into this. I also feel like I don't really want to know. But I also feel like I should know...

You're not rambling, there's a lot to unpack. Don't think that you're looking too into this because what you're doing is listening to your gut, and that's crucial. You know your husband and if something seems off it's for a reason.

I didn't want to know either which allowed a lot of time to pass and for the A to continue. That complacency is something I regret because things would have come to light much sooner. You absolutely should know so you can make choices about your marriage and whether you want to try to reconcile or separate.

He's being cautious around you because he knows you're suspicious and starting to question things. He may be busy deleting things, informing his AP, and stressing wondering what you're going to do. Cheaters never give much thought to the possible fallout from their actions should they be discovered and when they are, panic sets in.

Have you checked phone records? Bank and CC statements? Do you have access to his social media accounts?

I think another part of why I hesitate is because I don't know what I want things to look like or what to happen moving forward. I don't know "next steps" and that's hard for me because I am a planner...

You don't have to make any decisions yet, you're still in discovery. You're going to need to take a breath if it's confirmed, but you could start speaking with attorneys. Would you want him to leave and give you some space?

Yes, I can absolutely ask again when sober. I am struggling with how to bring it up and also I do not want to bring it up at a time when our kids can hear. However, I hesitate to schedule a talk because I feel like that gives him time to come up with answers. So timing and fear keep me from it.

How bad is the drinking? Are you in any kind of individual counseling? That's also something you can get started. If you didn't have your talk already, do it while they are in school or have a relative watch them for a few hours. This is a conversation that needs privacy, and you don't have to schedule a talk, it's better if done spontaneously.

Don't let that fear hold you back because if it is something that pain is going to come. There's no way around it but you'll make it through. In time.