SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello Everyone

Sorry for such a dramatic opening message, but yes. OW will not let him go.

WH and I are still living together. I am moving towards separation, but we must figure out what that looks like first.

BUT

WH does not want to continue his relationship with her either way. I have seen the messages, and he has broken up with her a number of times and blocked her. His plan was quite clearly to end things without telling me, but she wouldn't let him go. When he blocks her, she keeps setting up new accounts to message him across platforms. She is insisting that she will NEVER let him go and is threatening him with the release of evidence of their relationship that she has saved unless he continues the relationship with her.

This would hurt my children and ruin the business we have built together.

I am worried that WH might do something drastic. He has already said that before he told me he considered taking his own life because she would not let him end the relationship. He thought that she would stop once she knew he had told me.

I know this was always the potential outcome of his behaviour, but he is also my children's father, and I am getting quite scared.

He needs to have his attorney send her an official NC letter. And he needs to file for a restraining order.

thankyou, would you happen to know if such things can happen internationally? OW is in USA, WH myself and kids live in the UK.

Went through your old posts using this account and they were quite telling…
The key to my post below is YOUR statement that you are done and that are going to separate…
Divorce is not an alternative form of marriage… it’s the termination of relationships on anything beyond coparenting.

You say that over the years you had to do everything, and he doesn’t do much.
That’s what’s going on now… You say you are separating, yet you don’t. Need to see what that looks like… Well… have you gotten a solicitors advice? In many ways you are better off in the UK since it has a more established procedures, making the picture clearer. If you fear the picture you either commit to separation or stop claiming you are separating if you don’t have the intent to follow it through. By remaining in limbo you remain in a stage where your husband doesn’t have to commit and can claim he is trying to end it with OW but she won’t let go.

I think your husband is simply used to doing nothing and getting away with it.
He could initiate legal action. He could not respond to any of her pokes at him. He could cut off social media. He could block any fake account immediately on realizing it was her without any response back. He (not you) could research the legal action suggested. After all – since you are separating this is his problem.
I’m not so clear on how anything she might share can harm your kids. I think kids sort-of realize something is going on once mommy and daddy don’t live together and don’t interact like a couple – the end-result of separation. If discovering he cheated negatively impacts their view of their dad… it’s basically his job to heal that. On the twist of that – if they don’t know why you two divorced they might in the future accuse you of ending the marriage for no good reason. But IMHO neither is a likely long-term issue. Your kids will respond with the love and caring they are offered by parents and won’t be judgemental.

Now – how would that ruin the business, and would that ruin be immediate? If you two are separating would that be his problem or your problem? Would the effect completely close the doors immediately? Does the OW really have that power? If you divorce I’m guessing you both go your ways. Either you sit up with the business or he does, and the other is financially compensated accordingly.
Now – IF he gets the business after divorce, and you have been compensated with a larger equity in the family home then even if OW really can bankrupt him… not your issue.

I know the above might sound harsh, but I think one of the biggest and most common mistakes people make after d-day is believing in a false vision of what they are doing and what the effects might be. I’m guessing (and I really do emphasise it’s a guess, but based on what I read in your posts) that you state you are separating but haven’t really done much to do so.
Have you found a new residence or insisted he starts looking?
Have you filed?
Have you talked to a solicitor?
What about the company’s CPA?
Have you set a deadline?
Started separating accounts?
Told stakeholders what’s going on?

Then there is what I think is very likely an overestimation of the OW power… UK? So unless your husband and you live in Downing Street 10, or unless the business is called something like "How to be the ideal husband Ltd" then even if the OW shares that your husband was into some really kinky stuff then whatever exposure she can make won’t harm business an iota. Well… maybe for a week until the next big scandal erupts.
Frankly – IF the OW has the power to financially cripple you and emotionally stunt your kids and seeing as how you have decided (by your own words) to separate then the best solution would be for you to leave ASAP and for him to "sacrifice" himself to that relationship to save both the company and the children. After all – isn’t the threat that real?

Then there is how you make his problems your problems.

Yes – separation might impact their relationships with both of you, but that’s your role to fix YOUR relationship, and his to fix his.
The OW might constantly reach out, but it’s not your role to make her stop.

Friend – You have been living in this relationship for a very long time and it does sound like you are very enabling to his actions… I’m not pointing a finger or trying to be mean. I think it’s a very real problem and anyone in any form of "wrong", lop-sided or abusive relationship easily falls into this pattern. We make excuses for our spouses behavior, be it the inability to hold a job, laziness, addiction, bad financial control… Being an enabler is a role that is very easy to fall into. I strongly – like REALLY STRONGLY – suggest you seek IC to help you be more decisive and focused.

The ow has stalked me,and my family, for over a decade.

She is the one who told my oldest daughter. Shortly after she turned 18,the bitch messaged her on SM,told her details about the affair,her perspective of course, and sent her pics. It was devastating.

Get out in front of this. Tell your kids the truth. They don't need details, but tell them now. Tell them her name,so they can block her. This is how you protect them.

You are divorcing. You can't protect your stbxws. He's a big boy. He can protect himself. He brought crazy into his life. Actions have consequences.

That she lives on another continent helps. She won't be driving by.

Good Lord - the OW needs an intervention! It reminds a book I read back in the day "why do I think I am nothing without a man".

Please take Bigger’s advice - he has excellent points. It sounds like things may get uncomfortable as you navigate this part but I would think in the long run it will get better.

What exactly are you scared of? Maybe write down the fears and look at each one to see how to deal with them. Talk them over with a trusted friend?

You are allowing this OW to hold you hostage.

Your H is allowing this OW to hold him
Hostage.

If you are separating and/or Divorcing then you start the 180 with your H. And if you are leaving him why do you care if the OW ends up with him or not?

Get a lawyer. Learn your rights. And if she publishes anything on si idk media she can be charged with a number of Crimes (at least here in US) especially if she sends anything to a minor.

Best of luck.

It’s like you know a sniper is targeting someone near you. The wise decision, unless you want to take a bullet for them, is to take two (hundred) steps back.

Hi hateusernames,

My comments below and advice to you may sound harsh. Please know that I am saying them from a place of love, caring, and support.

OW will not let him go.

1. Frankly, I don't believe him. He's spent 16 years lying and cheating and it sounds like his most effective skill/coping mechanism is playing the victim when he's caught or when he's challenged with anything else in his life. This is a common mechanism employed by cheaters once caught. They see the BS's understandable anger/hatred/resentment of the OW and use it to paint a certain narrative which results in the WS and the BS teaming up against the big bad AP. It takes the pressure/blame off the WS and puts it on another person. "I wanted to end it but I couldn't. I've been so miserable with her, I'm so glad its all out on the table now. If only I'd known what a terrible person (s)he was, I never would have had an affair. Unlike him/her, YOU are so kind and caring and considerate It wasn't me reaching out to her (like an addict separated from their drugs), it was her reaching out to me! (A perfect cover when continued communication is discovered! You can't leave me now, I can't live without you. . He knows by now that you are probably a caretaker at heart and that you will not leave him or "be mean" to him when he's in crisis. Either that or he's feeding her a different story and using this as an excuse when breaches of no-contact are discovered. I would not put this past him.

2. As much as this is him being manipulative in order to control your behaviour, its also a YOU problem. I agree with Bigger that you are enabling his behaviour. This cycle of drama/victimhood, is an endless cycle that you have likely willingly or unwittingly participated in throughout the relationship. As long as the pattern continues, he will continue. For the sake of yourself and your children, you desperately need to break this cycle. Stop trying to fix his problems. When men are prone to fixing, we call this "knight in shining armour" (aka KISA) syndrome/complex (also known as white knight syndrome or hero syndrome). There is certainly a female version of it and my guess is that it will sounds familiar to you. It's essentially when a person, for whatever reason, is attracted to a partner with problem and they get an ego boost/sense of identity from fixing/saving/helping their partner (who, by the way, always seems to be in some sort of crisis). Female white knights tend to be attracted to men with addictions and abusive patterns (sound familiar??), and often have a strong fear of abandonment. Its an unhealthy dynamic and your constant rescuing is done at the expense of your well-being. It prevents you from having healthy and fulfilling relationships that don't involve round the clock drama. I encourage you to read up on this and to discuss it with your IC. I'll do Sisoon a favour and also recommend you read up on the Karpman drama triangle. Your fixer tendencies will not disappear overnight, but identifying them and understanding them is the first step in breaking the cycle.

3. He's a grown ass man. He apparently is capable of running his own business. He got himself into this mess, and he is perfectly capable of getting himself out. She lives an ocean away, he can avoid her, he can ignore her messages and continue blocking her accounts. If she is indeed feeding off the drama, the best thing he can do is stop responding to her and giving her exactly what she wants. If she is stalking him and issuing threats, and he is actually worried about it, he can go to see a lawyer and seek a restraining order or injunction. Yes, it can be done internationally - it's much more complicated, but again, he was fully capable of embezzling money/time from the business and your marriage and kids in order to carry out elabourate international affairs, he can certainly figure this out too.

..is threatening him with the release of evidence of their relationship that she has saved unless he continues the relationship with her.

4. So let her. Unless she's a giant celebrity with a massive following (in which case, it'll probably hurt her more than it hurts him), who is going to notice or care? You obviously, but at this point, it's probably not going to change much. I think I recall that your kids are young, presumably they will be largely oblivious. But even if they aren't, they are one day going to become aware of the fact that their father is a lying cheater. You can't protect them from that indefinitely and like I said you need to stop trying to save him. Who would she tell? He is is own boss, so his job is safe. Who else is there, that doesn't already know, that would actually care. People knowing that you are a lying cheater is a natural consequence of being a lying cheater. Let him face a consequence. If she starts posting stuff online or contacting his customers/clients directly, I think your ability to seek a restraining order or injunction just got better.

This would hurt my children and ruin the business we have built together.

5. How is it actually going to hurt the business? Like actually. This sounds like catastrophizing. Again, I can't imagine anyone noticing or caring. If his business hinges on his integrity and fidelity to his wife, he's clearly in the wrong business. Again, this is a him problem and a natural consequence of his own actions. Again, this isn't your problem.

6. I also highly doubt she'll do it. Right now she has something to hold over him to keep him in communication, once she plays that card it'll put the nail in the coffin of their relationship and it gives her nothing to hold over him anymore. Call her bluff.

7. I'm glad you're separating. I encouraged you to do so in another thread of yours. The first step is to disengage. Please read about the 180. Detach detach detach.

Your husband created this problem; he can resolve it. It’s not your responsibility to protect him from the consequences of his actions.

As others have said, get in front of this and be honest with the kids. Your WH should also talk to a lawyer about his legal options, particularly what he can do to mitigate the damage to the business.

Quite frankly, it seems like your husband is using the psycho OW as a means of making you feel responsible for him and keeping you enmeshed in his life.

Most importantly, if he ever threatens suicide again, take it seriously and call the cops. If it was an empty threat, then he won’t pull those histrionics again. But if he seriously is having suicidal ideations, then he needs help.

Sounds like LTAP in my/WH case.

Years long LTA that a lot of communications towards the end were them breaking up, blocking/unblocking one another to say "just one more thing" then yadda...yadda...yadda...they were donuts deep back at it. Then they went underground until I finally told OBS. Threats came and I went to local precinct. Calls were made to her [and OBS] by them strongly suggesting she not come to our area. Then she spent years creating fake profiles under many fake names cyberstalking and occasionally "liking" or "commenting" on something under the guise of anonymity. I figured it out and exposed that to OBS as well.

WH then hired an attorney to send a Cease and Desist (attorney even called her Bunny Boiler)

Even now, I suspect she is still at it, just being more discreet these days.

My suggestion for now is talk to an attorney - let them figure out to handle personally and from a business perspective. That's what you pay them for - to handle those sticky details. And many have free consultations. Please avail yourself of a few.

There is a group of people, many on your page, that has the combined wisdom to really help a bs. In fact I wish they would write a book. There is a mythical book often referred to called The Cheater’s Handbook. That could be the title with a subtitle explaining tongue in cheek.

What I read here is a relationship that never improves. Your actions, and reactions, are looping. I had a coworker whose one tune looped All Damn Day! It was Pachabel. It drove me crazy. That is why you are stuck. You have no tune in your head but this one. Bigger, and all the others, are trying to get you out of the loop. Pay attention.

I am worried that WH might do something drastic. He has already said that before he told me he considered taking his own life because she would not let him end the relationship. He thought that she would stop once she knew he had told me.

At the risk of sounding insensitive…oh, please.

My first XH "wouldn’t let me go". He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, had been hospitalized numerous times (even involuntarily), had beaten me, and threatened to kill me and the children numerous times, had even held me at gun point.

Do you know what I did? I got POs, attorneys and the court involved, got a gun, moved - went off the grid, gave paperwork to school systems, established safe words for my kids.

And then I remarried, moved on with my life, and lived as much of it as I could without allowing him access - directly or indirectly.

He’s dead now…yet it still feels like he won’t let go. I pray, ask for spiritual protection, do cord cutting exercises, etc. It doesn’t matter how I rebuke it…it’s that I refuse to let that be a determinant. I may have been a victim…but I refuse to remain a victim.

What your WH is doing is both cowardly and abusive. He’s playing a victim and putting the responsibility of his salvation on you. That’s bullshit.

My guess is he’s doing this dance because the OW has something on him. Buck up little boy and start growing into a real man. If she has some kind of hold on him it’s only because he is a participant in that dynamic. This is his circus he created and now he needs to clean up after the elephant. Expect this from him, HUN (how cool is that abbreviation!)…unless you want to enable him to remain a child.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 6:12 PM, Saturday, December 9th]

Hello,

Sorry you're here and dealing with this mess! I guess for me looking in, I have to wonder...does it matter?

Now to explain that thought, certainly no disrespect meant. You've stated that post d day you're considering seperation. There are many amongst forums who state that separation is just a prelude do divorce. So is this your real intent? To divorce, or to attempt reconciliation? If the real intent is to divorce then, it really doesn't matter that she doent want to let him go then. What matters is getting through to the end which is divorce. She would make no real difference in that outcome except to cause you further pain. If he trys to discuss her and the situation, then suggest you simply tell him you don't wish to discuss it. He made the mess and its his to cope with now.

If the intent is to reconcile, then this will be a huge thorn in your side! Obviously attorneys may need to be involved to shut her down using laws, but even that still doesnt stop a determined person.

You and he should dump all existing social media profiles and as needed create joint ones only useable and viewable to family. Switch phone numbers and carriers. Find private and encrypted communications apps to use. MSN has one now that is by invite only

Its no easy thing to deal what has happened in your life, I never would wish that on anyone! I hope as you move forward you find what you need to create happiness again in your life and heart.

Question. If your intent is reconciliation, how does a seperation play into it?

[This message edited by Dagrump at 6:52 PM, Saturday, December 9th]

Is it necessary for him to be on social media for the business? If not, shut it all down. Barricade as many avenues of communication as you can.

Others are right when they say that unless he’s a celebrity, or his profession has something to do with preaching to others about fidelity, you probably have little to worry about.

If she releases photos or videos of your H nude, that’s a crime in many countries, including 48/50 of US states.

If she’s just wanting to release stuff that proves that he said he loved her and wanted to be with her, so what?

Did he spend company funds on his affair holidays? Is that it?

Also, do what you need to do to set yourself up for success. If that means staying in a marriage of convenience while you finish your degrees and embark upon your career because that’s what’s best for you, there’s no shame in that.

I had kind of the same issue, we were living in another country, the OW wouldn't let go, threatened to contact the company he worked for, use her husbands influence to get him fired. we had to move around because she kept trying to show up where I was staying so she and her whore posse could confront me and I think physically assault me., total nightmare. Looking back I probably should have contacted their police but I was too embarrassed and traumatized to do anything about it. She also seemed to always get his new phone number( which he changed 3 times), he was very likely giving it to her and lying about it. In the USA, I think you can file a cease and desist order, but it would probably be better if he changed his number, stayed off social media, wiped his name and address from the internet and told her to fuck off.