The other women will not let him go, getting scared.

Hello Everyone

Sorry for such a dramatic opening message, but yes. OW will not let him go.

WH and I are still living together. I am moving towards separation, but we must figure out what that looks like first.

BUT

WH does not want to continue his relationship with her either way. I have seen the messages, and he has broken up with her a number of times and blocked her. His plan was quite clearly to end things without telling me, but she wouldn't let him go. When he blocks her, she keeps setting up new accounts to message him across platforms. She is insisting that she will NEVER let him go and is threatening him with the release of evidence of their relationship that she has saved unless he continues the relationship with her.

This would hurt my children and ruin the business we have built together.

I am worried that WH might do something drastic. He has already said that before he told me he considered taking his own life because she would not let him end the relationship. He thought that she would stop once she knew he had told me.

I know this was always the potential outcome of his behaviour, but he is also my children's father, and I am getting quite scared.

15 comments posted: Thursday, November 23rd, 2023

How could I have been so stupid.

Years are estimates of our timeline.

This week, D-day 2, A 2-year affair which has included 5 holidays with her, while we have struggled to even get 4 days together as a family, saw it coming and am still floored by it. 2 of these holidays happened when we were in M counselling.

In the interim, He gets a job that involves regular travel. Is often unreachable and often has excuses for being unreachable.

6years ago, my Christmas gift from him was weekly dance lessons together. I have always wanted to learn to dance. He boasts to his mother about the great gift he got me and glows at her approval, but about three sessions in a work clash means we can't go anymore, He is self-employed and organises the schedule himself.

7 years ago, I found dirty, not professional photos on a computer by accident; lots of excuses that he has now on D-day 2 finally admitted were lies

11 years ago. D-Day 1. heavily pregnant when I tricked his girlfriend into talking to me, thinking she was talking to him, found out loads, cornered him and found out she is not only not the only one, but he has actually lost count of the number of times he has cheated ranging from one night stands to emotional relationships,

12 years ago, I returned to work. I love my job but have to quit because he is getting so engrossed in his hobbies that he forgets to do his share of the housework or feed the children when I am out. I ended up in the hospital due to exhaustion. I don't work again until the children are old enough to make their own lunch.

13 years ago, He got home hours late from work with no communication and told me some bullcrap story about needing to take a girl to the hospital because she stood on a glass. Actually, he called the hospital in front of me to try and validate his story; of course, the hospital told him nothing because there was no girl, though I still do not think he has admitted to this.

15ish years ago, We were struggling to make ends meet with a new baby; while looking for things to sell in order to make the rent that month, I found stacks and stacks of porn magazines. Dates show that they are recent purchases, and he is skimming significant amounts of money off the top of the budget to buy porn while I am skipping meals and selling my possessions.

16ish years ago, we were newly married, We went to a party that was frankly awful. I go home because I don't feel safe; he lets me but doesn't come with me. I fall asleep hours later and wake up to find him not home. He has never told me what happened beyond telling me he did come home but couldn't sleep as he was overwhelmed, so went for a walk to 'process.'

16 years ago, months before our wedding, he was crying on my sofa because an ex-girlfriend was begging him to break it off with me and marry her. He's confused; he still insists that he didn't lead her on, and it came out of nowhere.

17 years ago, His female friend constantly looked at me in a way that made me feel like she was laughing at and pitying me. I suspect, and he denies it and says she's just weird and has a bit of a crush; his housemates won't look me in the eye when I mention her to them. He finally admits this in the trickle truth that follows D-Day 1

18 years ago. I am in hospital for an operation, and the parents I trust have offered to come with me, but I have said no because he has said he will come; I am terrified of hospitals, He didn't turn up because he overslept after a karaoke competition the night before.

20 years ago, we were not long dating, He says constantly that he loves me but seems to forget I exist around a multitude of other interesting distractions. I consider asking him to give up one of his many activities to spend more time together; I realise this is not reasonable, but for some reason, also don't see the warning sign that if he so easily ignores me in our early stages, then the relationship is not meant to be.

Alongside all of this, A constant current of being late home, never hearing or remembering anything I say even when things have life and death importance, and struggling to notice, remember or pay attention to me, this sound petty but yesterday, he got himself a curry and me chip shop because after 16 years of marriage he forgot that curry take out is my favourite because he is so utterly and completely disinterested in me.

I have realised suddenly that the problem with our marriage is very, very simple; right from the start, he has found me about as interesting as a sheet of crumpled paper and as such, in his priorities, I have been about 6 or 7 spaces below even his hobbies. So why the hell did he bother to marry me? And how could I have been so stupid as to miss every one of these red flags?

Of course, I know the answer: years of watching my mother bounce around in abusive relationships combined with years of being bounced around different foster placements, low self-worth and a perception that anything that doesn't include active abuse and neglect is a good relationship, which I guess means I didn't 'escape' the way I thought I had, I replicated the story in a different way.

4 comments posted: Friday, November 17th, 2023

struggling with the knowledge that it really can't get better from here

I am a few days out from finding out that my husband has cheated again. Like last time, he is very apologetic, making lots of promises about making it right, but he has not followed up on any of them as far as I can see.

I am struggling with the fact that I gave this man 16 years of my life when I could have been with somebody who loved me. I'm realising how many warnings there were early in our relationship, and I feel so stupid. My family history was so full of divorce and abuse; I think the idea that I should be treated well was so foreign to me; the absence of actual abuse was enough for me to accept, and the fear that if I couldn't make a relationship work I was as bad as the rest of them really played a number on my mind. He says he gets caught up in a 'grass is greener' mentality, but I can't help feeling that this is really just a euphemism for 'I didn't love you enough to keep my eyes on you'.

He said he would abide by my decision on whether he stays or goes, which made me mad. He got to make every decision to bring us to this point, but now there are no choices left. Is it my decision?

I am really struggling with the fact that it can't get better from here. It just can't. Either he stays, practically we make our life work, but I always know how little he loves me, and I always know I can't risk loving him. Every kindness, warmth and intimacy is filled with an undercurrent of pain that I already know doesn't go away because this is not our first rodeo, and I now know it will not be our last and any opportunity to find somebody who actually does love me passes me by. Or, I ask him to leave, I have spent the majority of the last 16 years supporting his career; mine is just starting out. He would take the financial gains of our marriage with him (I have checked out the legal side in my country, and I would not get much.) My career would pretty much end here as I need the financial security of his career to make it happen. We would be plunged back into financial difficulty, and I would have to take jobs that took me away from my career aims to make ends meet. He swears he would not let that happen but I know what he is like with money and how much he was skimming off the top of the family budgets to spend on his secret sex life, so why on earth would I trust him to honour a promise to continue to support us financially when I know he will then have his own bills to pay and no accountability at all. What's more, I would bear the majority of responsibility for the children as I already do, while also having to agree to contact arrangements with him. Frankly, he cannot and never has been able to cope with the kids, and the prospect of having him care for them without my supervision for 2/3 days a week and then spending the remaining 4/5 days a week helping them recover from that is so exhausting.

I cannot see any way that anything gets better from here.

5 comments posted: Wednesday, November 15th, 2023