SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good morning everyone. This will be my first post here, not sure where else to turn. My wife and I had been together more than 4 years and married for 2 years so we are very new. We met and have been working at the same company for that time period. I received a text message from an unknown number a few months ago stating my wife was cheating on me with someone that we work with. At first, she denied it and later on it all came out. I found out she was having an emotional affair with this guy and still continues seeing him to this day. We already spoke about everything. She wanted to wait a year to see if she would like to continue this marriage, but i put my foot down and said its either him or me. She chose this younger man and now we will be getting a divorce. My wife now works at a different company, but this guy still works here and I seem him almost every day. I do my best to stay away from it all but it's extremely difficult.

I am having a rough time with all of this. I feel Like a part of my heart has been ripped out of me. I'm losing motivation to go to work, stay healthy, and be happy in life. I have always struggled with depression, and this is on another level for me. My emotions are driving me crazy and have never felt a pain like this in my life. I am speaking with a therapist and seeing a psychiatrist, but nothing is helping me get these bad thoughts out of my head. As difficult as this is im able to hold on because of my 2 boys (cats). I'M seeking help or advice on how to deal with all this. I feel so alone.

You can only take it one day at a time Deagle. You have a lot of life ahead of you, and it will get better, but there aren't really shortcuts out of the kind of pain you are experiencing. The good thing is that your are getting help for the depression. I went through the same thing, so you are far from alone with the people on this forum.

The best thing you can do to move things along is look forward more than you look backward. Instead of thinking about what you lost, try to switch gears and think about what you want to gain in the coming day, week, month or year. It takes practice but you can train yourself to make the change. Remind yourself that it's easier, because you can't change what's behind you, but you can make good choices in what's ahead of you.

Very sorry you find yourself here, but this a great group who have been through it all.

Some basics: read through the healing library and the pinned threads. You will find that your WW’s infidelity is not unique. Self care: take care of you. Eat healthy, exercise, stay away from drugs and alcohol, and do get tested for STDs. Get out and enjoy your hobbies or activities as best you can. I turned to long distance running. Buy a punching bag and use it to vent your anger. Do not blame yourself for your WW’s cheating. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused her to cheat. Being cheated on and abandoned is extremely painful. Get into a therapist trained in infidelity trauma.

Get the D process moving promptly. Get the best attorney you can afford. You can always call it off if circumstances warrant. But it sounds like she has made up her mind. Most importantly always value yourself. You deserve a loving and faithful partner. Absolutely no contact with your STBXWW except to to discuss D details, and then only in writing. Do not engage with her or beg and plead. Do not do the pick me dance. If it never works. If you engage with her it will be nonproductive and impede your healing. Look forward not backward. It is her loss.

If you love your job keep it. Talk to management about what happened with your WW and coworker. Explain that it hurts you to be anywhere near him. Perhaps your employer can accommodate you. If not investigate changing jobs. I would never want to be exposed daily to my WW’s AP. See what you can do with your employer. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:26 PM, Wednesday, November 1st]

sorry you had to find us, but you’re among people who understand the TRAUMA you are going through.
You’ve gotten great advice - read it over a couple of times. In addition to the healing library, read through the Just Found Out forum and look for the posts with the bullseyes. Some really good stuff in those.

This is hard, really really hard. But you WILL get through and there is happiness on the other side. Take care of you and your cats, and take it day by day.

I’m so sorry.

You did not deserve this.

Listen to everyone here as they really do a good job at helping people.

I just want to say that you need to leave that job as soon as possible.

You need a new life. Too many bad memories there that will prevent you from healing.

Also move as fast as you can through the divorce.

There is nothing to save at this moment.

You need to put all this behind you as soon as possible.

Sorry to have you here.

I doubt very much that this was just an emotional affair (although that is bad enough). She was seeing him regularly and they are adults, not 12 year olds, so it probably got physical else he would not have held on. So, some questions:

How long do you think this has been going on? It probably started before you think it did.

How did your wife meet him? Do they actually work together or are just in the same company? Is it possible that she knew him before you guys got together?

Where is she currently staying? I am sure that now she is out of your house she doesn't need to pussyfoot around and is openly having relations with him. For me there would be no coming back from this.

What was her reason for this? Was she not happy with you? At home? About something else?

You say he is a younger man - younger than your wife? you?

Does she earn as much as you do? Does the POSOM earn as much as you? It is not common for a wife to exit a relationship without a firm line to swing to.

Who knows about this? Your family? Her family? Friends? His (POSOM) family ? Friends?

When you gave her the ultimatum, did she immediately choose him? If so, she was probably planning to play you along until she felt the time was right to exit the marriage.

You need to get as much info on this as possible for closure. She will probably want a speedy divorce and maybe interested in providing you with the info you seek in order to secure a quick divorce.

I'm sorry for what's happening brother...

It's normal to be upset and scared with everything. You've received some great advice so far, and I really encourage you to follow through with looking after your self care, and "taking care of business". You'll find that with time and effort you will rebuild your sense of self esteem, and things will get better.

If you love your job keep it. Talk to management about what happened with your WW and coworker. Explain that it hurts you to be anywhere near him. Perhaps your employer can accommodate you.

I second this. Don't feel that you need to passively endure being treated like a doormat. This guy showed you the ultimate disrespect and you should not have your nose rubbed in it daily. Talk to management and explain what happened - companies do not like coworkers hooking up, especially when it causes drama like this. With any luck they'll toss his ass or reassign him elsewhere. Let him deal with the fallout of his fuckery, not you. There's no need to accommodate adultery - throwing out a little reality helps kill off the fantasy.

She wanted to wait a year to see if she would like to continue this marriage

That's a red-flag right there to protect yourself (well, the affair being the biggest one obviously). It's common for WS's to sit on the fence, but she's right out telling you here that she's planning to take advantage of you while her and hte OM put their plan together. Take stock of your finances, open your own accounts and cancel joint credit cards, and consult a lawyer asap to get your plan together.

I am speaking with a therapist and seeing a psychiatrist, but nothing is helping me get these bad thoughts out of my head. As difficult as this is im able to hold on because of my 2 boys (cats). I'M seeking help or advice on how to deal with all this. I feel so alone.

Continue with the therapy, and make sure to check out the 180 articles in the Healing Library as a way to regain control over your life, direction, and emotions. It's a tough job ahead, but you can pull through this if you can commit to your wellbeing and to your integrity.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you had to find us. Please know that the infidelity is not your fault. Anything that you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, or whatever has nothing to do with this. Her decision to cheat was 100% her choice.

Please practice self-care at this time and focus on your healing. I had to go on depression & anti-anxiety meds for a little over a year. It's not uncommon to need some meds for the short-term because of the trauma that this can do to you.

I'm glad you're in IC and seeing a psychiatrist.

You talk about bad thoughts, Deagle. It's normal to go back and forth between despair, rage, grief, fear, shame. It's normal to think about revenge. It's even normal to think about violent revenge. It's normal for performance at work to suffer after d-day. It's normal to be depressed. It's normal to question your own self-worth. This is a horrible experience.

So can you say more about what thoughts worry you? Are you talking about them in therapy? What does your therapist say? What is your psychiatrist prescribing?

As bad as you feel now, know that you have within you the strength you need to heal. Life may look awful now, but you can survive and thrive, and it looks like you're taking steps to make a good life. Forcing your W to choose was brilliant. Lots of BSes can't do that as quickly and as forcefully as you did. That's a giant green flag for your healing.

As a retired manager, I totally agree that your best bet is to tell your manager what you're going through. If they're not supportive, find a new job. My bet, though, is that they'll be supportive.

The best thing I've seen on the 180 is SerJr's https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/598080/the-simplified-180/. The original 180 list has too many internal contradictions.

Good morning everyone, thank you all for the responses. Ill shed some more info here. Im 32, the wife is 30, and the POSOM is 23. I found out about all this a few months ago and from what i can tell it was going on since the beginning of this year. Last year we were trying for a kid. She was pregnant but she had a miscarriage and that took a real hard toll on the both of us. We both did not seek any help to deal with the loss and bottled everything inside. I would drink alcohol, she would smoke marijuana, and that's how we dealt with it. Later down the road she said she wasn't happy with us and how things were going. I was confused and wasn't sure what to do. We try and communicate but we are terrible at it. Always talking but not solving anything.

This year I made a decision to start working on my drinking because it was getting worse. Trying to help find that spark and bring us back together. But it was too late. I found out about this whole game she was playing and told her not to live with me anymore if she still wants to see that guy. She agreed to Marriage counseling, had a few sessions, but had no luck in bringing us back together. I wanted to continue the marriage despite everything, but she did not.

Currently I am still working at my job, trying to see the good in life, but it's very hard. I definitely need to start building my network of friends instead of being alone at home. The more I get in my head the worse I get.

Please get tested for stds. The chance this wasn't physical is extremely small.

I know you don't see it now,but her leaving was a gift. It's better than spending years trying to reconcile, only for her to cheat again.

The OM didn't win anything. He is with a woman who cheated,and lied to, the one person she made a solemn vow to never betray.

He will find out..the way you get them, is the way you lose them.

And in spite of how awful you’re currently feeling, let us give thanks:

Let’s be thankful that you discovered your wife was not The One before you two had children together.

Let us be thankful that you discovered that she was not The One before you had invested decades of the prime of your life with her.

Let us be thankful of the GOOD times you had with her and the GOOD memories you two made together. Now it is time to pack those memories away in a special place, and look forward to making new memories in this next chapter of your life.

Let us be thankful for the AP coming along and exposing your WS for who she truly is, how she truly feels about you, and how true her love actually is. Think of what you might have missed out on if you stayed with her, not of what you IMAGINE you are going to miss.

Let us be thankful you are still quite young and have plenty of time to recover from all this and find someone who will love you always, show you what it’s like to be truly loved.

Let us be thankful that you’re still quite young and have ample time to recover financially. (Getting a divorce on the eve of retirement really sucks)

Let us be thankful for all that we have learned from this experience and can be applied to future romantic endeavors.

Let’s be thankful that we live in a world that is just chock-full of beautiful, fascinating, lovable, trustworthy people who are more accessible than ever before.

Let us be thankful that you "put your foot down and demanded him or me", protecting your dignity, insuring a promising future and avoiding limbo and wasted precious time and effort.

Let us be thankful that this pain WILL pass with time, good therapy, new adventures, a new perspective, and new prospects.

It seems as if you have more to be thankful for than not.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:25 PM, Saturday, November 4th]

I’m so sorry you’re here. The devastation and depression you are feeling are normal responses to being horribly betrayed by the person who was supposed to love you most.

Take one tiny step at a time toward healing. It feels overwhelming, but it does get better. You’re still young with a lot of life ahead of you.

Order Living and Loving after Betrayal by Stephen Stosny, and slowly work your way through the exercises. Take a short walk each day, and phase out the drinking, utilizing whatever resources you need to do that. Allow yourself to grieve and be angry.

Hang in there. This is a terrible, devastating trauma, but you will get through it.

Deagle,

So sorry you had to find us here, but I'm also glad you did. Took me 3 months post d day to find SI, but this group is the best support group on the planet! In my early months I was very down, even suicidal at one point but every day I forced myself to find positive reasons to keep moving on. I got busy with new projects, things I always wanted to get done. I bought a Harley and began riding with old friends. I entered into therapy and it really was a help to an extent (not as much as SI has helped me to understand things though), I am seeking out a new therapist as I feel I've exhausted all there was to gain from my old one. I have begun to sake stock in who I am, what I have to offer others, and my basic self worth. It's tough, it's hell, but you will push through to the other side. Keep coming here and sharing what you are feeling. It helps so much being able to interact with others who have been there. I might also add to check out the "BS questions to WS" thread in the "I Can Relate" forum. Lots to learn there on why WS do what they do.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 7:39 AM, Sunday, November 5th]

So, is your "wife" now living with this 23 year old? Does he have his own place? I am assuming he is not married.

I am so sorry that you have had to find yourself here but this is the best place to get support. We understand the trauma. I too was cheated on and abandoned. At the time I felt like I was in a never ending hell. I can completely relate to the feeling on getting into your head and the awful dark thoughts. My thoughts were consumed with them being together and then picking myself apart.

I never believed SI folks when they told me that I would get through it, that things would get better. I PROMISE you it will get better.

I never thought being abandoned on top of being cheated on was the better option- but I know now that it was the better option. I know it’s hard to believe but it’s true. I am now with a man that I can trust. You will move on from this and you will meet someone you can trust with your heart too.

Right now you are in the eye of the storm. You are doing so many good things, counselling etc. That’s amazing. There will be some tough times ahead but you are moving towards a brighter future and away from a cheater that doesn’t deserve you. None of us are perfect but that’s no reason to lie and cheat.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

Deagle - you story/timeline matches up pretty close with mine. My xWW had a miscarriage when we were 29, and then hooked up with a coworker. She ended up leaving for the OM (didn't last so she found another one) and I moved on in life. I can tell you that I'm 45 now and have been married to the most wonderful woman for the past 13 years. There is life after infidelity - it takes a little time and work to heal, but you can be much happier than you thought possible. Hang in there brother. You're gonna be okay.

I am so sorry for you. We all know the pain and trauma you are dealing with. Please know it does get better. But unfortunately it is a slow healing process. But you are doing everything you can but it just doesn’t happen overnight that you suddenly "feel better".

RealityBlows wrote a very compelling post.

I too gave my H the "her or me" ultimatum. He chose me. But it was a lie. I cannot tell you the additional pain I had to suffer with — but it just adds a whole other dimension to the initial Dday pain & discovery.

False R is terrible. It just prolongs the recovery process. You at least were given a truthful (although very painful) response from your cheating wife.

I just hope you can see the reality of it all and know that once Divorced you won’t ever have to see her again. You are not tied to her via children. You are free to choose your own future, and find someone better suited for you.

You are young. Your life will rebound. Please have patience and know that you have a great support group here. Please continue to reach out to us — especially if you need advice on the D process.

Look under that topic heading in the forums.

Bullet dodged, brother.

No kids. Still young. Nothing tieing you to her. Losing a cheater.

Bullet. Dodged.

I wanted to get some opinions on something. I used to speak with my wife all throughout the days. Once I found out about everything it all changed. She was my best friend, my only friend, and the only one I really ever talked to. She wants to stay in touch with me to check up on me and genuinely communicate. I don't know if this is good for me and my healing process. She still helps me get through the days, but also is the one that hurt me in the end. Should I cut ties completely? Or limit the communication?