I feel like I can't do this anymore.
My GF is visiting her family in the US right now. For 3 months. I communicated I'm very uncomfortable with this, as reco. is still really fresh. The affair traumatized me. I have been traumatized before, in childhood and teenage years, and always thought to myself "one more thing and I'm done" and now I truly can say I have PTSD. No doubt.
I have developed strong seperation anxiety and I don't want to be a crybaby, but I want her to be with me during this initial phase. She had the chance to visit her sister for 2-3 months and I did not want to interfere with family strings. Family is important. So I approved of her going, but eversince everyday is pure agony.
It's not that I think she'll do something stupid out there. She constantly calls me and wants to make sure I'm alright,its just that I have no power over my feelings at the moment.
We're still living seperately but we had some very beautiful days together in the meantime. I would say Reco. started appropriate.
Yesterday she straight up forgot her code to unlock her iPhone.
Through much hustle and work we figured out a way to get into her iCloud remotely. Since she has no clue about tht stuff, I did that.
Of course... I was being a fucking idiot.
I went into her camera roll and snooped around. I always had the suspicion there HAS TO BE a video somewhere. I know the guy. And I know he'll take the chance to film it, and I know she likes that too.
Found nothing. Until I came across a 6 second video. Pure black screen, only for a split second you can see what's going on. She must've overseen that video when deleting stuff. YOu cna hear him breath and hear her moan.
I didnt really know what to do oin that moment. I just broke down and cried. I felt pathetic, like a cuckhold. At the same time I know how muhc guilt, remorse and regret she has shown. I know she's ashamed of herself for doing all this. I didn't know what to do. I'm in reconciliaiton, and I know what they've done. Should I now make a scene out of it? But I couldn't resist. I called her and told her of my discovery. I told her I can't do this anymore. Cheating is so far away from my character I just cannot do it, not that I know heard her moan for him with my own ears.
She broke down and cried, begging. But she also got really upset that I snooped around and that it shouldn't be surprising. They had sex, I know it, people when they have sex, they moan.
It's gotten to a point where I dont know who I am anymore.
Is this right? is this wrong? All the signs that we can do it are there, but whenever I loose frame, she also looses it completely. But how else would she react? I understand her as well.
I'm rambling at this point. Sorry. I'm just a fucking mess. The last months were really happy, full of laughter and plans. Now it all seems to be gone. Her family is constantly telling her to leave the relationship, damage is too high. I need help.
[This message edited by DeGeGuy at 12:18 PM, Tuesday, October 31st]