SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. I am male 32 yrs.I have a wife 32F in which we were in realtionship for 5 years and married for 5 years. My wife confessed her infidelity on her own where she had EA/PA with her coworker for 3 months where they slept for 4 to 5 times always under influence of alcohol. However her coworker never got emotionally attached to her and just used her.She was out of country when this happened.She did the confession as she could not live with this guilt. We have small child 3 years old.I also confessed to her that i went to a prostitue in july this year. As for me it was emotionless and act of gratification. However i am not able to reconcile the fact that she was having emotional and physical affair and talking to me to everyday about the stuff in her life and infact assuring me that she is always sober and know her boundaries. There were no lies on her part just act of ommision. She used to tell me all the day events and were communicating regularly. We were in a happy marriage and both successful looking forward to life.Now it is all messed up beyond control.I am not able to come to terms that in a happy marriage what could have led her to such actions. This was so out of character for her.Any advices?

Why did you see a prostitute?

You are only seeing the hurt your wife caused but you also damaged your marriage. I am a bit shocked at how casually you act about sleeping with someone else. You are comparing your wife's action against yours and deciding hers was worse.

Two broken people can't fix each other.

Hi
Thanks for you reply. I am not justifying my act. Since she confessed , i also confessed so as to notpretend to be on higher moral high ground. However it is love and affection turning into PA of my WS is hurting me more. She has only been my love whole life. I want to give it a try to save my marriage. How do we start now with a child in mix?

Anky398:

You have a P.M.

  Moving to General

Welcome to SI and sorry that you have had to find us here. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, including a list of the acronyms we use.

I think it would be a good idea for both of you to go to IC (individual counseling) to work on your own healing. This work may help you figure out how to address rebuilding your M (marriage) with your WW (wayward wife). A book that is often recommended is How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda MacDonald will help you both.

Lying by omission is still lying. Gaslighting is a little more accurate because it's changing the person's perception of what is really true.

In a MH (mad hatter) situation (where you're both a wayward and betrayed spouse), you'll need to address both sides of the hurt.

You may wish to be tested for STDs. Be sure to eat and sleep, and stay hydrated.

Good luck!

Welcome, Anky. I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us.

She did the confession as she could not live with this guilt.

IMO, confessions are a good sign that the cheater is remorseful and willing to "own their stuff."

However i am not able to reconcile the fact that she was having emotional and physical affair and talking to me to everyday

There wasn't an emotional component to your infidelity, but you did the same thing. You went on about your business like nothing had happened, even though you had betrayed her. Were you planning on confessing to your wife, or would you have continued to keep your secret had she not confessed first?

I am not able to come to terms that in a happy marriage what could have led her to such actions.

What led you to such actions? Why is there a double standard?

You have every right to be angry and hurt, but so does she. You both betrayed each other. You both risked damaging your marriage. You both risked each other's health.

If counseling is available where you are, that's a good start. Here's a link to the Healing Library section about recovery and reconciliation:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/

.

I want to give it a try to save my marriage. How do we start now with a child in mix?

My advice-- forget about what she did.

Think about what YOU did.

You kept your secret and only revealed it after she admitted what she had done. What if she never admitted to an affair? Would you have ever admitted your own infidelity?

I think you need to start by addressing your infidelity to her, and the pain and the hurt it causes her. You need to assume the role of the betrayer, because thats what you are also, and work on healing her hurt, too.

And I guess I'll just go ahead and ask.... So you went to see a prostitute in July of this year? First time? Only time? IS there more that you didn't admit to? Have you done it more than once? Did you tell her everything? Only fans? Webcam chats? all of it?

By no means does it excuse what she did, but you can't come into this forum and be like... I feel like my wife betrayed and hurt me, how do i get her to change? by the way, I did it too.... but it was different.

It wasn't different. It was JUST.AS.BAD.

I am not able to come to terms that in a happy marriage what could have led her to such actions.

She could reasonably ask the same of your actions--- you must understand this.

[This message edited by swoned at 7:56 PM, Thursday, October 19th]

I’m really sorry you are here. I know the pain of being in a happy marriage and having your spouse have an emotional and physical affair. It’s very hard to wrap your head around it. Healing from this will take a long time, regardless of what happens in your relationship.

I have the same concerns as others about the double standard in your post, where you are setting up her actions as being more damaging and less understandable than hers. In reality, you both chose to betray each other, damage a good marriage and family, and endanger each other’s health.

I think it’s a good sign that she confessed, and that you came clean about your own betrayal. Total honesty is the first step toward reconciliation, if that’s what you both want. The next long process is for each of you to figure out why you made the choices you did. It sounds like you were in a long distance situation with work. That isn’t easy, and it’s possible that the stress of that brought out the flaws and exposed the poor boundaries in both of you. You will both have to do a lot of work to change those parts of yourselves, strengthen your boundaries, and process the pain and hurt that you feel. It’s hard to change, and excruciating to process the pain of betrayal, but it’s worth it in the long run to become a happy person with better values and character. And to repair the relationship, if that’s what you both desire. It sounds like your bond is strong and valuable enough to at least try. Best of luck.

Anky,

Why did you go to the escort when you were happily married? Did you think it was ok since it was emotionless and she wouldn't find out about it? Search for variety?

You seem to want to gloss over what you did.

To find a prostitute, you first have to think..hey..I want a hooker. Then you go online, and find an agency or an independent. You look at all the pictures, until you find one that you really like. You then have to make contact. They then have to verify that you aren't a cop. Then they call you,and make the date. Then you have to pay for a hotel room. And,hopefully, stop and get condoms. Then you go to the hotel,and all that entails.

My point is..lots of steps..lots of choices. It's a big deal.

You have every right to be devastated over her choices. But she has the right to feel the same. You aren't any better than she is. Except..she confessed. And you only confessed because she did. In terms of attempting reconciliation, the WS who confess out of guilt, are, IMO, a better gamble for a BS.

You will get support and advice here. But no one will allow you to gloss over your infidelity. You will be held accountable. Which, BTW, is necessary for reconciliation.

You both need to be tested for stds. Even if you used a condom. I'm sure there was oral,and it wasn't protected. So you exposed your wife to all kinds of stds by being with a prostitute.

You also need to call the other man's wife, and tell her a out the affair. She deserves to know.

We were in a happy marriage and both successful looking forward to life.Now it is all messed up beyond control.I am not able to come to terms that in a happy marriage what could have led her to such actions.

However it is love and affection turning into PA of my WS is hurting me more. She has only been my love whole life. I want to give it a try to save my marriage. How do we start now with a child in mix?

I think it's probably pretty easy for madhatters to feel a bit beat up, like the issue they want to talk about is being ignored. Here's the thing though, when you want R, you have to realize that even though the incidents of betrayal are separate, the feelings they invoke are not.

When you put the shoe on the other foot in the statements above, your WW was also in a "happy marriage". She was also "successful looking forward to life". And yet, her husband sought out and utilized a prostitute. If she was your "love" for your "whole life", why wasn't she enough to keep you faithful? Why wasn't she important enough when there wasn't even "love and affection" involved to move you toward betrayal? While she betrayed you for feelings, you betrayed her for nothing, a casual betrayal that meant nothing to you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying these things to hurt you. I just think it's important if you want R that you understand that there's no competition between you and your WW regarding whose injuries are worse. It boils down to the fact that neither of you were stopped by your personal values system and neither of you had developed the appropriate boundaries to keep to your vows. When push came to shove, there was nothing solid inside either of you to make you stop, and THAT's where the work needs to be done. That's where you need to observe change in your partner.

Empathy is just walking that proverbial mile in the other guy's shoes. If you want her to understand how you feel, you're going to need to understand how she feels too. Madhatters are doing double duty. There are painful feelings of betrayal that must be processed, but there's also shame to deal with, interior discoveries to be made, change to be accomplished. In order to stay together while you handle all that, you'll both need to find a balance between empathy for each other and the will to enforce boundaries and accountability. It's a lot, but we've seen other couple accomplish it. It's going to start with clear vision and honesty though.

Put another way, whatever was going on in your M, which may very well have been as happy as you think it was, both of you cheated, and that usually means you were unhappy with yourselves, and you both chose actions that made you even unhappier with yourselves.

That's why you both need to change from cheaters to good partners if you want to rebuild your M. You both need to do individual work on yourselves. Once you start that, you can work together on your M.

Comparing your hurt to your W's or your cheating to your W's is a trap that keeps you from healing yourself as a WS. Your healing as a WS starts with taking responsibility for your cheating, just as your W's healing starts with her taking responsibility for hers.

My reco is to start with IC to help you figure out why you chose a prostitute instead of talking with your W and/or an IC about your dissatisfactions. Those dissatisfactions are likely to be with yourself, no matter what you thought theyw ere; that's why I think and suggest a good IC will be critical to your healing.