Hey... so this happened literally 30 minutes ago.
Long story short:
My ex (been together 7 years) and me are... "reconciling".
Pre-affair I became very needy, insecure, jealous. Kind of toxic too. Ex had an affair with her co-worker. Broke up with me 2 weeks after my fathers funeral. Managed to hide the affair for 5 months. Out of the blue admitted to everything, begging for me to give us another chance.
So eversince we're "reconciling". But she's still keeping me at arms length, but when I signal that I'm not okay with being in a situationship with her, she panics and draws me back in.
I communicated that I feel really unsafe with her. I feel like the sporadic phone calls during the week and the 1-2 days per week we see each other, isn't enough for me to relax and feel safe within the situation. I argued that for me - I don't need to "get to know her" again. I would want to either move back into a shared place and start over the "right" way, or leave it be.
Today she got bad news by a family member that her grandma is passing on.
I am very anxiously attached. I'm not the biggest fan of attachment theory, but it really doest fit me. I always try to "check up" if the other person still "loves me" or not. If they are with me or not. And I do that, and did so before her infidelity, in really egocentric and reckless ways.
And now, that we *kind of* got back together, slowly moving closer to each other, I haven't had the emotional / rational control to keep my insecurities in check... I could punch myself in the face right now.
When she told me that she'd rather stay alone today, all my mind could think of was:
"We used to be inseparable. Before all this, she would've wanted me by her side. Now after all she had done to me she doesn't even want me by her side, although this is such an emotional moment. I need to "check" if she still loves me or not."
At the end of the phone call, after she passed me the news and was clearly sad, confused and grieving the loss of her grandmother, I brought it all up like "I think we should take some time apart..." "I dont see you investing into us as much as I do".
I could bang my head against a wall. I don't mean to invalidate her feelings yet I absolutely did.
Why am I posting all this...
Well. I would be interested if anyone here can relate?
Did it happen to you as well that your wounds of infidelity took over any rational thinking? That you involuntarily hurt your partner, because of the hurt of the betrayal? I feel like the biggest a-hole right now. My feelings just shouldn't matter right now. Not in a moment of grief. I'm just so mad at myself.
I behaved like this during our relationship and I just know that it reminded her exactly why she started to doubt our relationship...
Sorry if I'm rambling... I'm very upset right now.