I know this isn't a site for alcoholics or people with drinking problems, but I don't really know where else to share this, and I'm just feeling very low today.
Short backstory is that from roughly age 17-21 I drank a lot on a daily basis, and if you've ever watched Euphoria, that gives you a decent idea of all the drugs, drinking, promiscuity and just general chaos that was my life during that time. At 21 I got pregnant, got married to FWS, and had a baby just after turning 22. I pretty much got myself together, and I could go long stretches without drinking, but any time I would drink again, I would totally lose control and be a hungover mess for the next day or so.
When I was 27, we went on a long weekend family vacation. I got incredibly drunk with cousins that Saturday night, and spent all day Sunday throwing up, unable to spent time and do anything with my kiddo. I was completely embarrassed, and vowed that I would never get drunk like that again.
That was 7/20/2014.
Since then, I've still struggled. I try not to drink, because it's easier not to. I can go long stretches without drinking, and then there'll be an occasion where I have one or two drinks, and it's just miserable, as I spend the rest of the evening mentally arguing with myself about whether or not I can or should drink more, so it's not fun.
I generally don't put myself in situations where I'll be tempted to drink, and I'm okay with it, because I love being a mom and I love feeling good, and I don't want to be a hungover mess that can't take care of my kids.
Welp. I fucked up on Saturday night. One of my best friends was in town, and instead of cutting myself off at two drinks, I just kept going. It wasn't worth it. I don't remember a good portion of the night, the parts I do remember are embarrassing, and I spent all day yesterday in bed, throwing up. I still feel awful today. My stomach still hurts. My chest, back and neck hurt. I'm not sure if it's something I did on Saturday night or from throwing up so much. I just feel gross and achy physically, still, plus just... sad.
I really thought that I would never allow myself to get that drunk ever again, and I went nine years. And... now it just brings up all those old feelings and terrible memories.
This is all compounded by the fact that most of the people in my life are of the opinion that I should be able to just have one or two drinks, and if you drink too much every once in a while and have a hangover it's no big deal, and they don't seem to remember that before I became a mom and more or less got my shit together, I was a mess. Like, either drunk or hungover 24/7, covered in bruised and injuries, totally broke, put myself in sketchy situations where bad things happened, etc. etc. They also don't seem to comprehend that having just one or two drinks is not fun, because I'm not going to be present for the rest of the evening, I'm just going to be thinking about how much I want to keep drinking and how hard it is to cut myself off.
I think part of the problem is that part of me feels like I can't say I'm an alcoholic or have a real problem because I've pretty much been able to keep myself in check for the last nine year (albeit with great frustration), but... maybe I am, because when I rationalized that it was okay to go past two on Saturday, since my friend was visiting, I didn't stop at three drinks. I think I stopped at eight, but that also might just be the last one I remember, and I only stopped myself because I started throwing up.
Anyways. I feel like a piece of shit, and like I was a shitty mom this weekend. I wish I could drink and be normal. I wish I could have one or two drinks and it be no big deal and be easy peasy to stop and not be craving it for the rest of the night. I wish I could just not want to drink. I wish it was easy peasy to not want to drink at all.
And for the last nine years, I really did believe that I would never let myself feel this sick and shitty again, and yet...
Here I am. I knew what that third drink would do, and I actually had myself convinced that because I hadn't drank in excess in so long, I would be fine the next day, and the universe was going to throw me a "get out of hangover free" pass. Like... that makes any sense at all. But man, I thought I had a shot at it as I drank drinks #3 and #4. And how quickly I went back to hiding it! I asked my friend and FWS to both get me a drink at one point, and they both did, but I was able to drink them so quickly that neither realized I had another drink brought by the other one.
So... that's it. Hoping tomorrow my body feels better. Hoping this time it doesn't stick for 9+ years, but that this is really, truly, the last time I poison myself like this.
And... debating if I should look up some sort of meetings in my area. AA seems scary. I still feel like a fraud in some ways, because I was able to go so long without being like this... but the moment I gave myself permission to have "just one more," it was over. Because I can drink, or I can not drink, but as many times as I've tried, I've never been able to enjoy drinking in moderation.
Thanks for anyone that made it this far. No 2x4, please. I don't think I can handle any at the moment.
[This message edited by ibonnie at 3:41 AM, Tuesday, August 15th]