Heartbroken
Hi All.
Some of you might remember me posting awhile back about my brother and his LT ex-girlfriend, who our family all hated for ~8 years, but he eventually (thankfully!) broke up with her when he found out she cheated on him.
He was obviously sad post-breakup and went through a lot in the months after.
Last October he met someone else. He mentioned her for the first time when we saw him this past Thanksgiving, jokingly said that he was trying to find me a new sister-in-law, but it was too soon to bring this her around to meet the family.
We finally met her when he brought her home this past Easter and were overjoyed. We thought she was great. After they left, we joked that his last girlfriend set the bar so low that anyone would have been better, but she came, she made conversation & she brought cookies she baked herself! And not just something basic, like chocolate chip cookies, which still would have been appreciated. She made really good rainbow cookies from scratch. (If you're not familiar with rainbow cookies, google them.)
We saw him more these past few months, than we had seen him in the past few years. Every time he brought his girlfriend with him, we were so happy to spend time with her. They came to my daughter's dance recital, brought flowers, and then instead of hanging out with adults (which would have been perfectly acceptable), she spent a couple of hours playing board games with me, my cousin, and my daughter, doing silly voices the entire time.
That was the first time my cousin met her, and after they left, she jokingly said, "He better marry her, because if he doesn't, I will. I LOVE her."
We spent a lovely day at the beach this summer. FWH and I actually got to relax together for awhile (which is rare, we're usually taking turns with the kids in the water), while my brother and his girlfriend took my youngest into the ocean and let her play in the water and they kept a hand on her to keep her safe.
I posted on social media a silly meme about liking candy corn ('tis the season), and the next time she came over, she brought me a little bag of candy corn and ghost earrings. 
Just because!
It was apparent to everyone that saw them together how much happier my brother was. He just seemed lighter. Everyone that met her would gush about how great she was after she left -- she just was so genuine, and sweet, and thoughtful, with a touch of endearing goofiness.
Every time I saw my brother solo, I would (semi-jokingly) ask him when he was going to marry her because she was so great we wanted her to be a part of the family. He would tell me to chill because they hadn't even been dating a year yet, but would get this doofy smile and then say that he was working on it.
Anyways.
She died in a fucking awful tragic freak medical incident at work two weeks ago. She died by herself, having trouble breathing. How fucking awful to die at work! She spent days in the hospital with things going from bad to worse, never regaining consciousness, and then being declared brain dead days later.
It was just her birthday, and I mailed her a gift. She sent me a beautiful handmade thank you card that arrived in the mail a couple of days after she was in the hospital. 
When I saw the mail, I just remember saying, "Oh no," and thinking in some weird way this was her saying goodbye. Not that she or the USPS could have known.
My brother is absolutely devastated. Understandably. Her family came from out of state and made most of the medical decisions because they weren't married yet. Her remains will be shipped back to her home state and they're planning a TBD service.
He's basically been like a ghost. He's been cleaning out her apartment and giving away her stuff, and then late at night he goes and sleeps at my parent's house. I know multiple friends and family members have reached out to him, and he hasn't been responding. He told my mom he just can't deal with anyone yet.
We're all so heartbroken, and at the same time, it feels so silly to say that because I know it must be so much worse for him. I don't know what to do, because I don't think there's anything we can really do right now. There's no way to make this better, because we can't bring her back. It's just such a huge fucking senseless tragedy.
It feels wrong to be as heartbroken as I feel. I was so looking forward to getting to know her better, and was really hoping that one day she would officially be my sister-in-law. But I feel weirdly guilty because I know it's so much worse for my brother who is absolutely devastated. And I love my brother so much, that I wish I could just take his pain away, but the only way to do that would be to bring her back, which just isn't possible. Anyways. I just needed to get this out somewhere.
10 comments posted: Monday, November 11th, 2024
Dave Grohl
Just saw the news that Dave Grohl has fathered a baby with another woman, after being with his wife for 20+ years, and a statement about how he's planning on behind an involved dad, but he's sorry and plans to regain his wife and daughter's trust.
I'm not a huge Nirvana or Foo Fighters fan but he always gave off decent guy vibes.
And reading this news just left me feeling... vaguely nauseous, disappointed in another human being, sad for his family...
1 comment posted: Tuesday, September 10th, 2024
Has anyone read...
Has anyone has read "Everything You Need to Know About Affairs: How to Catch a Cheater, The Road to Recovery, and Everything in Between" by Nick Matiash, and wonder if you would recommend it?
His videos have started popping up on my For You Instagram feed, and he seems pretty spot on with his advice, particularly when he's addressing the wayward spouse in his videos.
I know "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald are frequently recommended, and his social media content that I've seen so far has me wondering if this book might be, too.
1 comment posted: Thursday, July 25th, 2024
Would you rather...
There's a tiktok/tweet going viral, where a woman on a flight posted a video of a man who was cheating on his wife. She described the details he was telling the OW (like he was from TX and owned his own company and was traveling for business), and then the internet sleuths very quickly tracked down and tagged his wife.
And of course, there's now a debate ensuing in the retweets and comments.
There's a fair number of people that think the woman that filmed this and put it on tiktok should have minded her own business, because finding out your husband is cheating on you from a viral internet video is awful, plus his kid(s) might get tagged or sent this video, too. There's a lot of people excoriating the video poster, saying that she only posted this video for likes or clicks, without considering the wife's privacy.
But... then there's a fair number of people pointing out that there was no way for this poster to discreetly track down this man's wife to inform her, that by informing her that she's being cheated on, at least she can now take steps to protect herself from STDs, not to mention the fact that this POS guy is the one that's A. cheating and B. sharing all sorts of details loudly and publicy with the OW.
To be honest, I'm pretty torn if this person should have posted the video or not.
On the one hand, cheating is obviously absolutely awful, I think betrayed partners deserve to know the truth, and their cheating partner is the one at fault, not the messenger.
On the other hand, I can't imagine being blindsided by a viral video AND then also having to worry about the fact that my children might see this and/or could possibly be harassed or cyber bullied by people with a video of their dad cheating...
So, if you were in this situation, would you rather know if it meant finding out by a viral video on the internet? Or would you rather not find out this way, but with no guarantee that you would ever find out another way?
19 comments posted: Thursday, June 27th, 2024
Movie or TV Recs with No Infidelity
I know this post gets made periodically, but I did a quick search and don't see any recent ones. Looking for movie or tv show recommendations that have no infidelity, or at the very least don't glamorize or gloss over it. Please post any and all spoilers!
FWIW, the most recent shows FWS and I have watched together, none of them fit this bill.
White Lotus - season 1, it's mentioned that Mark cheated on Nicole but it's all good now because he bought her $80k bracelets to make up for it. 
Season 2, Dominic is separated from his wife due to his cheating, and his son Albie makes a deal with him to put in a good word with his mother if Dominic gives money to Lucia, the prostitute that's hustling Albie, who doesn't realize that she also slept with his dad. Plus the whole Ethan/Harper/Cameron/Daphne intermingled cheating fiasco, Cameron tries to convince Ethan to cheat on his wife, maybe Harper cheats with Cameron, Daphe basically says cheating is okay because she does it, too, it's implied that her son isn't actually Cameron's and maybe Daphne and Ethan cheat, too? 
The Wire - cheating throughout by Bunk & McNulty. McNulty begs and pleads to get back with his ex-wife. Moves on, seems to get his life together and is in a LTR with Beadie, moves in with her and her kids & then starts cheating on her with random women again. Oh, but it's okay, because he's supposed to be one of the "good guys," who just wants to take out the bad guys and can't stand the PD & govt corruption, right? And Kima, who's also supposed to be one of the "good guys," letting her wife go ahead with IVF so they can have a baby that she doesn't really want, and then lying on and cheating on her once the kid they talked about and planned to have together is born.
And...just started (almost finished) the first season of True Detective and
Hart has a LTA with someone he knows from work, his wife finds out, almost leaves him, he manages to convince her not to, pretends to change, and then has another affair. And when Maggie calls him out on the pics on his phone he has the audacity to try to lie to her face. Oh, and then Maggie as a revenge ONS with his partner. They divorce, and it looks like he lives miserably on his own eating microwave TV dinners while having almost no relationship with the daughters they shared.
Anyways.
Were those series still enjoyable, and can I see why so many people were talking about and recommending them? Sure. But would love for some recommendations for a tv series or movies that doen't mention any infidelity at all, but I'm just so over getting into a show and then having it trigger a memory or feeling and tainting how much I was enjoying it.
3 comments posted: Saturday, March 9th, 2024
Wayward Coworker
I will keep the details at a minimim because this is an evolving situation, but the short version is a coworker, whom I had a decent working (and casually friendly) relationship with has completely lost the plot and blown up their life by having (at least one?) affair. Their partner left them, they're having financial problems, and they've burnt professional bridges.
This is bringing up a lot of feelings and flashbacks to when my fWS was deep in his A. The same attempts at gaslighting, defensiveness, nonsensical arguments, and desperately clinging to the idea that they are the victim here.
I recognize this is not my problem, but still... I feel like my anxiety levels are up in general, just by osmosis. Minor things that would be no big deal have been getting my heart pounding, or making me break out into a sweat lately, and I'm having trouble sleeping at night.
Not looking for advice, exactly. Just feeling kind of sad (for them, their family, as well and me & my family for having to deal with the rippling trauma caused by an A) as well as anxious (because crazy people do crazy things and their behavior has been increasingly crazy) and looking for a place to vent.
4 comments posted: Wednesday, February 21st, 2024
Who and How Do Formal Diagnoses Work?
Who is (legally? officially? formally? medically?) allowed to diagnose someone with a mental illness or personality disorder? I'm assuming psychiatrists and psychologists, but what about licensed clinical social workers? Or medical doctors?
Also, how does someone get formally diagnosed with a disorder? Does it go in writing somewhere on their medical record? If a LCSW mentions that a patients "sounds like they have X-disorder" during a session, is that an official diagnosis? Curious how this works.
For context, I have long suspected that FWS has bipolar disorder (and/or at times wondered if possibly borderline personality disorder or ADHD or some combination of these). He recently started seeing a LCSW, and mentioned in passing that they said something to the effect of, "what you're describing sounds like someone with bipolar disorder."
I am not surprised at all, and part of me feels slightly vindicated because any time I (delicately) brought up my suspicions over the years he would get highly offended and shut down the conversation immediately. But I don't know what this means now, and I haven't been pushing him for details because what he discusses in therapy is between him and his therapist. But, does this mean that he has a diagnosis now written down in a medical chart somewhere? If he disagrees with their assessment does that end the conversation? I understand that seeking treatment is a whole different bridge to cross, but I just... don't understand quite what this means.
3 comments posted: Sunday, November 5th, 2023
Fell Off the Wagon
I know this isn't a site for alcoholics or people with drinking problems, but I don't really know where else to share this, and I'm just feeling very low today.
Short backstory is that from roughly age 17-21 I drank a lot on a daily basis, and if you've ever watched Euphoria, that gives you a decent idea of all the drugs, drinking, promiscuity and just general chaos that was my life during that time. At 21 I got pregnant, got married to FWS, and had a baby just after turning 22. I pretty much got myself together, and I could go long stretches without drinking, but any time I would drink again, I would totally lose control and be a hungover mess for the next day or so.
When I was 27, we went on a long weekend family vacation. I got incredibly drunk with cousins that Saturday night, and spent all day Sunday throwing up, unable to spent time and do anything with my kiddo. I was completely embarrassed, and vowed that I would never get drunk like that again.
That was 7/20/2014.
Since then, I've still struggled. I try not to drink, because it's easier not to. I can go long stretches without drinking, and then there'll be an occasion where I have one or two drinks, and it's just miserable, as I spend the rest of the evening mentally arguing with myself about whether or not I can or should drink more, so it's not fun.
I generally don't put myself in situations where I'll be tempted to drink, and I'm okay with it, because I love being a mom and I love feeling good, and I don't want to be a hungover mess that can't take care of my kids.
Welp. I fucked up on Saturday night. One of my best friends was in town, and instead of cutting myself off at two drinks, I just kept going. It wasn't worth it. I don't remember a good portion of the night, the parts I do remember are embarrassing, and I spent all day yesterday in bed, throwing up. I still feel awful today. My stomach still hurts. My chest, back and neck hurt. I'm not sure if it's something I did on Saturday night or from throwing up so much. I just feel gross and achy physically, still, plus just... sad.
I really thought that I would never allow myself to get that drunk ever again, and I went nine years. And... now it just brings up all those old feelings and terrible memories.
This is all compounded by the fact that most of the people in my life are of the opinion that I should be able to just have one or two drinks, and if you drink too much every once in a while and have a hangover it's no big deal, and they don't seem to remember that before I became a mom and more or less got my shit together, I was a mess. Like, either drunk or hungover 24/7, covered in bruised and injuries, totally broke, put myself in sketchy situations where bad things happened, etc. etc. They also don't seem to comprehend that having just one or two drinks is not fun, because I'm not going to be present for the rest of the evening, I'm just going to be thinking about how much I want to keep drinking and how hard it is to cut myself off.
I think part of the problem is that part of me feels like I can't say I'm an alcoholic or have a real problem because I've pretty much been able to keep myself in check for the last nine year (albeit with great frustration), but... maybe I am, because when I rationalized that it was okay to go past two on Saturday, since my friend was visiting, I didn't stop at three drinks. I think I stopped at eight, but that also might just be the last one I remember, and I only stopped myself because I started throwing up.
Anyways. I feel like a piece of shit, and like I was a shitty mom this weekend. I wish I could drink and be normal. I wish I could have one or two drinks and it be no big deal and be easy peasy to stop and not be craving it for the rest of the night. I wish I could just not want to drink. I wish it was easy peasy to not want to drink at all.
And for the last nine years, I really did believe that I would never let myself feel this sick and shitty again, and yet...
Here I am. I knew what that third drink would do, and I actually had myself convinced that because I hadn't drank in excess in so long, I would be fine the next day, and the universe was going to throw me a "get out of hangover free" pass. Like... that makes any sense at all. But man, I thought I had a shot at it as I drank drinks #3 and #4. And how quickly I went back to hiding it! I asked my friend and FWS to both get me a drink at one point, and they both did, but I was able to drink them so quickly that neither realized I had another drink brought by the other one.
So... that's it. Hoping tomorrow my body feels better. Hoping this time it doesn't stick for 9+ years, but that this is really, truly, the last time I poison myself like this.
And... debating if I should look up some sort of meetings in my area. AA seems scary. I still feel like a fraud in some ways, because I was able to go so long without being like this... but the moment I gave myself permission to have "just one more," it was over. Because I can drink, or I can not drink, but as many times as I've tried, I've never been able to enjoy drinking in moderation.
Thanks for anyone that made it this far. No 2x4, please. I don't think I can handle any at the moment.
22 comments posted: Wednesday, August 16th, 2023
Customer Service Vent
Gimme advice/tips/tricks to deal with overly "helpful" customers.
There's a long time customer at work that has suddenly decided I'm their BFF and is constantly calling me for updates and emailing me suggestions. I'm not sure why, other than the fact that they remembered my name and I'm friendly at work?
Long story short, we have to deal with an insurance company and a government office, plus track down some parts (the part we need has been backordered since October and isn't available anywhere in the US right now, we can make another part work, but need a waiver from the government office to purchase it legally in our state, and then finding a vendor that actually has it in stock and will be willing to ship to our state is another thing that complicates matters and slows things down) to get this job finished.
Before the customer even came in, I informed them this is going to take several weeks.
I just don't have the patience right now to deal with weeks of them calling or emailing for updates I do not have. I've assured them I'll keep them updated on where we're at in the process WHEN I have new information... which I do not.
And..... it's just annoying having them email me suggestions for places to buy this part that aren't even useful. Like, thanks for the link to a place we've already contacted and told us it's not available, but no thanks. Just because another website LOOKS like you can place an order doesn't mean it's actually in stock (speaking from experience). Also, it's frustrating like... we literally have done this multiple times before and they don't even understand what parts need to be ordered, but they're gonna send links for parts? Okay.
Any tips, tricks or advice are appreciated, because it's getting more and more frustrating to have to relay the same information over and over, listen to or read suggestions that aren't helpful, and keep saying, "I don't have a timeframe of when the job will be done until I hear back from these other places, which is totally out of my control. As soon as we get to the next step in the process, I'll update you, but I don't have that information yet, so expect it to be another few weeks, not days."
My boss suggested just telling the customer that they should take it elsewhere if they think that can get it done faster, but that just feels so rude and the idea of actually saying that gives me anxiety, especially because this person is being polite, and I think they think they're genuinely being helpful with their suggestions.
3 comments posted: Wednesday, June 28th, 2023
Waffle House
Help me settle this debate, please.
Would you consider Waffle Houses to be an example of:
a diner
or
a fast food restaurant?
18 comments posted: Thursday, March 2nd, 2023
Mod please.
Notagain6526 is asking if their post, "Is NC possible with children?" can be moved to the Just Found Out forum.
1 comment posted: Tuesday, February 21st, 2023
JetBlue Credit/Refund Tips?
Long story short, WS & I were booking flights on JetBlue & figured out if we each booked for one adult + one kid, the flights were cheaper.
So, sitting next to each other, we got through the whole process, selected seats in the same row, put in our own CC info, and then hit to book/check out.
His went through, mine (even though I started maybe a few seconds before him) said that the seats I picked were no longer available, try again. So I reselect seats, the SAME seats, except now the price for the same two seats for one adult + one kid was $414 more! 
I'm so frustrated.
Any tips or tricks for getting JetBlue to credit or refund for something like this? Or am I shit outta luck? 
2 comments posted: Friday, February 17th, 2023
Happy Hanukkah!
For anyone that celebrates, wishing you a happy hanukkah!
1 comment posted: Sunday, December 18th, 2022
How do you deal with baby fever?
No, my baby isn't sick. My baby isn't even a baby anymore, as she frequently likes to correct me -- she is six years old, and she is a big girl.
Trying to stay brief -- I had my first kid young-ish (especially compared to all my friends) at 22. I'm 35 now, and in the past few months, I know 17 people that are pregnant (a couple decided not to be anymore), or recently had babies. Every time I see a birth announcement or newborn photos pop up on my social media feeds, I have this instense thought -- I should have a baby.
Logically, this makes no sense. DS is headed off to HS next year, DD has always been a handful (didn't want anyone but me to touch her for the first 18-months, didn't sleep through the night until she was 4yo... I could go on and on, but WS and I joke that if she had been born first, she would be an only child). Having a third would be a terrible decision financially -- tuition at the nursery school both kid's attended is up to $23,300 (not including early bird or after care or summer camp), so we're doing much better off now that both kids are in public school fulltime.
There are easily a dozen reasons I can put under the "con" list for having another baby (I hated being pregnant, post partum sucks, both my labors lasted for days, we can pay for childcare again or save for college, our apartment doesn't have space for a baby + all the baby gear, DD is a handful etc. etc.), and the only "pro" would be like... I want a little baby again.
But this yearning is... intense. To the point I saw a baby announcement and went to WS crying, "Why don't you want to have a baby with me?" and he (very confused) said, "I did! I had two with you!"
Any advice on what to do with these feelings? Logically I know having a baby again would be a terrible idea for both me and my family! But I see some stupid picture of newborn feet and logic goes flying out the window...
14 comments posted: Monday, November 28th, 2022
Need Some Perspective/Am I Wrong?
100% a first world problem, and I need some perspective.
Backstory: About 1.5 years ago, my uncle emailed my father and said he and my aunt were planning a big trip to celebrate some milestones (big # birthday & big # anniversary), they were renting a giant beach house, and they would love for my parents, WS and I + kids, plus my brother to join them. Their kids and grandkids and my aunt's sister & kid would be coming, too. They were paying for the rental for a week, we just had to make our own arrangements to get there.
WS had mentioned trip to his parents, since they live a few hours away (closer than anyone else going), and they mentioned maybe they'd rent a beach place nearby and bring their grandkids (WS & I's nieces & nephew).
Since there's not a direct flight to the rental, we decided to fly direct to my in-laws. We were planning om renting a car, but they said don't rent a car, you can borrow one of ours.
Here's the miscommunication that came out tonight --
I thought in-laws were planning their own parallel trip and would be busy with their other grandkids and we'd meet up a couple of times over that week, either at the beach, or go out to lunch or something.
WS basically discussed/invited the in-laws (+3 grandkids, a YA, a teen and a tween) to hang out on the beach right by the place my aunt & uncle rented, would come in to use the bathroom, hang out by the pool the rental has, come BBQ in the backyard, basically come hang out whenever, just not spend the night.
I think this is incredibly rude. I feel like we're guests on this trip, we're not renting the house, AND to complicate matters, we're not particularly close with my family that invited us. They are very nice and generous, but the last time I've seen most of these people was probably 8-10 years ago.
WS thinks I'm overthinking things, and it should be no big deal, family is family and we should all just mingle and have fun on vacation.
I think that we don't have to be with my family 24/7, and it's a reasonable compromise to make plans a couple of times with his family and go over to where they're staying, go out to eat a couple times, etc. while we're in the same beach town. We also (during non-pandemic times) see the in-laws a couple of times per year.
WS thinks I'm being too uptight/rigid/unreasonable because "his family wouldn't think this was weird if the situation was reversed." I honestly don't know how my family would feel because we're not super close, but I don't think planning to see his family at their rental or make plans elsewhere to meet up is unreasonable.
So.....
Am I being too uptight? In general I am the more uptight one and WS is more go with the flow/why are you worrying/this is no big deal between the two of us, and there have definitely been times where I've been worried or anxious about a situation and WS was right, it was NBD.
Honestly, if this is no big deal, then I'll drop it (we're currently not talking because we were getting so heated discussing this tonight), but if I'm not overreacting, then I'm going to insist that meeting up with his parents/nieces/nephew can be done a couple of times during this week, at somewhere other than the house my aunt & uncle are renting.
12 comments posted: Saturday, April 2nd, 2022
Kanye West Harassing Kim Kardashian
I don't closely follow Ye or the Kardashians, but admit that I'll click on a gossipy news article on occasion. Lately I've been seeing people call out Ye's behaviour as being threatening/abusive towards Kim Kardashian and her (supposedly) new boyfriend, Pete Davidson.
I clicked on an article today calling out his new music video today, and was completely creeped out by the imagery and the lyrics . It's animation? Or claymation? And looks like he's kidnapped/murdered a Pete Davidson lookalike. At one point he's holding a severed head and rapping about how they'll have the best divorce ever because they're going to go to court together. 
I know we can never truly know what's going on between them, and the media distorts things, but this... really, really freaked me out. It's like Ye is sending his soon-to-be ex-wife VERY public threats, and he just doesn't give AF. Because he can? Because he feels like she can't leave him? Because he thinks she deserves to be afraid? I don't know, but the fact that he's so blatantly doing this makes it more horrifying.
I'm sure she can afford top notch security, but still... no woman (or person) should be threatened by an ex like this.
9 comments posted: Thursday, March 3rd, 2022
Watching The Handmaid's Tale
Warning-- spoilers ahead.
Anyone else watch? I'm having trouble believing it, mostly because I just can't believe they wouldn't have killed June yet, or at the very least cut out her tongue so she couldn't , so some other horrible punishment.
Also, I wish June would have stuck with Emily and crossed the border. Yes, she would have left Hannah behind, but in the long run I think she could have done more good speaking out as the Waterford's ex-handmaid in Canada. Not to mention how completely unrealistic it was to think she could break into another Commander's house and escape with her daughter, without any help, resources or knowledge of where to go.
3 comments posted: Saturday, June 8th, 2019
