Hi there, Stranger.
Welcome, you are among friends here. We have all felt the incredible pain of betrayal and we are hear to listen and understand. All of us are at different points in our journey and have different perspectives to offer. Your husband's affair is so incredibly textbook. As you work through the process (it very much is a process with the average person taking 2-5+ years to feel somewhat "normal" again), you can share your thoughts and fears and there is no other group that validate, relate, and commiserate like this group here.
Many people experience the stages of grief; I know I did. You will search for answers and understanding. "How could my person do this?" And sa he desperately tries to piece back your relationship and get you to forgive and go back to normal, he may offer all kind of "reasons". He may even blame you, what you did or didn't do. It really boils down to one thing: he wanted to. He received external validation and the O(ther) W(oman) was convenient. Your relationship with him was comfortable and safe and predictable. She stroked his ego and "made him feel alive". He got swept away and prioritized his impulses over you and your daughter. In my opinion, one of the most important things to internalize is this had NOTHING to do with you. The most beautiful, richest and smartest among us have been cheated on. Melinda Gates, Beyonce', Gwen Stefani, MacKenzie Scott, freaking SHAKIRA -- have ALL been cheated on. It is because their insecure men prioritized getting their ego stroked over protecting their family. YOU ARE THE PRIZE HERE. You are a loyal woman who prioritizes her family every single time. If there is any chance at reconciliation, your W(ayward) H(usband) will need to figure out how he could possibly throw away his wife and daughter for a couple of cheap ego strokes, an illusion.
Your husband has a lot of work to do. He needs to do all that work regardless on whether you and he reconcile. It sucks, but you now have a lot of work to do too. That really is the major injustice of this all. He hurts you and now you are going to have to take painful action steps to heal. I think of it in phases. You are in the emergent phase. The initial discovery phase where the ground has dropped out from underneath you and you are having physiological symptoms that are interfering with your day to day life. You need to work on getting those under control. These are the things that I did that really made a difference:
-Abstain from alcohol. It is tempting to try to use it to distract or drown your pain. It makes it worse and you will need to feel the feelings to get to the other side. Drinking only extends it.
-Get in IRL (in real life) support. Tell a trusted friend what is going on.
-Drink water. Eat food. If you can't manage actual food, drink a protein shake. If you are dehydrated or malnourished, you will not have the wherewithal to take on the difficult steps needed to heal.
-Visit your GP, tell them what is going on. This was embarrassing and hard for me to do, I was 20 weeks pregnant on my first dday. My doctor was able to test me for STDs, prescribe me with antidepressants and sleep aids. It made all the difference in the world.
-Find a therapist. This was a life saver. It was especially helpful because I would relate conversations between my WH and me and she would be able to point out things that I didn't realize.
-Get some space from your husband. As he realizes how he has massively effed up his life, he will automatically start to try to manipulate you to get you to stay put. Love bombing, apologies, grand gestures, some even threaten their owns lives in an attempt for you to not leave them. This is them putting their needs above yours and makes it difficult for you to process. Ask him to stay with a family member or a friend so that you can gain some clarity about your recent past and what you want for the future.
-See a lawyer to see what your life would look like if your do split up. This does not mean you are going to divorce. However, fear drives our behavior and causes us to endure terrible situations. Knowledge is the antidote to fear. See a lawyer to gain knowledge.
It is a wild rollercoaster ride, you will feel all over the place. That is OK. That is normal. You WILL be okay...eventually. It won't be tomorrow and it probably won't even be 6 months from now. But if every day you take an active role in your healing, you WILL BE OKAY. At this point, your husband is somewhat irrelevant, he has his own work to do. Maybe you will reconcile, maybe you won't. It is really hard to say at this point. You can't even tell if your WH is a good candidate (SPOILER ALERT: most WHs are not good candidates) or not. Your focus at this moment needs to be extreme self care (and your daughter obviously).
I'll tell you that I am at the tail end of my divorce. I had a "soft" dday in Oct 2017 and another one in January 2018 (I had been told but I allowed myself to believe my husband's bullshit) with the final confirmation in May 2020. I just now started the divorce process in May 2023. My husband's infidelity turned out to be part of a pattern of prioritizing his own impulses and did not seem to have it in him to make the hard changes necessary to become a safe partner. This has been a long, painful process for me, but now I am a really strong person who can see bullshit from miles away. I really like who I am now and I consider myself healed. I am okay now. You will be okay too.
Please continue to post and share -- we are here for you! Also, while there is a section for waywards, I would recommend keeping this site to yourself. I think giving him access to your thoughts and fears and then to our responses would give him better fodder for manipulation. One day this will all just be a shitty memory. I am rooting for you!