Unsure whether to attempt R

Never thought I would find myself here. I didn't even know these types of online communities existed until last week. But here I am.

I (BW, 48) found out on June 25 that my husband (WS, 47) of 15 years, my exclusive partner for 26 years and father of our 14 yo daughter, was cheating on me when I woke up to a barrage of texts blowing up his iPad at 5:30 a.m. I knew he was out late the night before -- with the guys, I thought -- and thought at first the texts were coming into my phone, that he was out somewhere and needed help. Once I saw my phone screen was black, I looked at his iPad beside his side of the bed and saw the messages rolling in -- "I don't think I can do this anymore" -- "I didn't even get a hug or a kiss goodnight."

WH walked in the front door a couple minutes later as I was getting dressed. Immediately copped to it when he saw my face. Said he was with her every weekend night, and a couple of weeknights, for about 8 weeks (since late April). She was a former coworker of his, 22 years younger than me and literally young enough to be our daughter. Claimed it was all sex and alcohol and no feelings and that it was over - that he cut all ties with her literally that night before coming home, and it was just a terrible coincidence that I happened to see her messages blowing up his phone after he left her house to drive home. Insists up and down that a couple of weeks into the affair he realized he'd made an enormous mistake, which ultimately resulted in him cutting all ties with her at the end of 2 months to return to our relationship and try to work to save our marriage.

WH and I both have FB accounts with lots of mutual friends, but WH also has an Instagram account; I do not. 3 weeks after DDay, I remember his Insta account and take a look at his posts during the past few months. Quickly found one dated a week after DDay, reading "Just lost something precious. I'm so fucking sad. But I hope they will remember me as I will remember them." Asked WH about the post after I could stop hyperventilating over it. He admits it wasn't just sex, that he liked her "enough to give me pause," and that the affair went on as long as it did because he was trying to figure out why he cheated, whether he still loved me, and whether he could return to the marriage 100% committed. He claims to have gone through this thought process while with her, and that he's now entirely recommitted and more strongly committed than before to our marriage. He claims never to have cheated before, and I previously would have had no reason to disbelieve that, but who really knows.

It's been almost 6 weeks now since DDay, and I'm just gutted. Confused. Feeling worthless and alone. I've been with my husband my entire adult life, since we were both 22, and I have no desire to be with anyone else, now or ever. Either we try to R, or I go it alone with my daughter (who is terrified of WH & me getting divorced, btw). WH since DDay has been making a tremendous effort to show his sincerity in wanting to R, including going completely NC with AP, starting MC and agreeing to begin IC, but I just feel so hurt, betrayed and rejected by him and I don't know if I have it in me to really commit to MC myself, or to want to stay in this marriage at all. I'd rather be alone than in a mockery of a marriage.

How do you make the pain subside? How do I decide what the hell to do next?

8 comments posted: Friday, August 4th, 2023