SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We have been married almost 5 years, have a 4 year old, and dated for 5 before. I never thought this would happen. I found text messages between him and his best friend the other night going back almost a year. With them saying I love yous and miss yous. I confronted him about it and he said he was sorry. That it was only emotional. I thought I could deal with that. Last night he told me he lied and that they slept together 3 times. He broke down. I broke down. I don't know. I always said I would never tolerate this and cheating was always an end for me.

Now I'm here and I don't know.

I know things haven't been great. We haven't had sex in a year and not very much before then. I have issues stemming from abuse that he didn't know about. We also never comminicated. We were like roommates.

I know it is no excuse but.. I sorta get it which makes me feel even worse. This woman was his best friend so I was always inviting her along to things and our families hung out. Hell, we are supposed to go camping in 3 weeks together!!

He has deleted her and told her it was over. I just... I feel like I'm betraying myself by taking him back but that I'm not ready to let go... I don't know. I'm just so lost and broken.

He says he loves me and he wa to me. That he wants to fix us. I have a counselor booked for us in 3 weeks... I'm just so hurt.

Can this really get better?

First and foremost, I'm sorry we had to "meet" this way, but you have found a great group here. I would say that it is okay to not know what you are going to do at this point, to change your mind every second, to feel confused, sad, angry - everything. Please take a look in the healing library - there are a lot of great resources in there. I don't have much time at the moment but please know that you are not alone. Others will come along and offer advice, but I would start with the library and move from there.

Also, I know others will come and let you know that marriage counseling at this early stage often doesn't help and that independent counseling for you and your spouse is a better place to start.

I would say to take the advice you want and save the rest for later. I found out about my WHs affair in 2017 and there were posts I saved and went back to years later that I didn't like at the time and now I find were spot on. It's a difficult road but you will find this site really can be a lifesaver. It certainly was for me.

On this site, many talk about ‘getting out of infidelity’.

That can be by divorce, or it can be by genuine reconciliation.

This site has been very helpful to me in discerning what a good candidate for reconciliation looks like.

Look after your own health. Exercise, avoid alcohol, walk.

If the affair has genuinely stopped, and there is zero contact, you can allow yourself some months to decide what you want to do. If it has gone underground, more decisive action might be needed.

I would suggest getting Linda MacDonald’s book ‘How to help your spouse heal from your affair’ and reading ‘Maia’s survival guide’ on this site.

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you are here, but you will get a great deal of support and guidance and encouragement from members who have walked in your shoes.

I'm glad he cut off all contact, just keep in mind there are other ways to stay in touch, email, social media, burner phones, so stay vigilant and I'd insist he give you passwords to everything. Apparently your husband and this woman have been friends for a long time, so it may be difficult to just cut her out of his life. Just a word of caution

Your husband needs to be an open book, his whereabouts at all times, complete transparency giving you access to everything, and I mean everything.

BTW, is this other woman married?

they slept together 3 times.

^^^Gently, cheaters lie, all of them, they minimize to make it look like it's not that bad. If they've been in this affair for almost a year and are in close proximity to each other, IMO it's been more than 3 times.

I'd insist he write a full timeline of the affair, how, when, where, why. Please don't ever, ever accept blame for his actions, he owns his betrayal lock, stock, and barrel.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself, meet with your MD if you need some temporary medications to help you copy. Lean on TRUSTED friends/family. Lean on us. Get out and get some exercise, stay hydrated, and eat regularly even small meals if you are having difficulty.

There's also another good book, Not Just FRiends, by Shirley Glass. It explains how boundaries get crossed so easily and how to be a safe partner.

You don't have to make any decisions right now, give yourself some time to process all of this, get yourself into individual counseling, your husband needs individual counseling, marriage counseling is a waste of time right now, your marriage isn't broken, he is.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. He had all kinds of things he could have done to help toot M, but he made thousands of conscious decisions to betray you. He could have said something about wanting to improve things in your M, or divorced you and then hooked up with her.

You may also both want to be tested for STDS.

Welcome, sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. Take care of you. Read in the healing library. Get tested for STDs. You have received good advice already.

Never blame yourself for your WH’s cheating. Understand this: nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused your WH to cheat. He cheated because he is broken. It had nothing to do with you. Millions of people go through life every day feeling ignored, disconnected, and unloved in their M’s, but they never cheat. Think of your M as a house in need of repair with a leaky roof and faulty furnace. Your WH could have worked with you to do the repairs on the house. Instead he decided to unilaterally, behind your back, pour gasoline on the house and burn it down. Before you try to rebuild that house, he has to figure out why he could become an arsonist. Those who cheat often try to blameshift to the BS. Do not let him blame you for his actions. You were not a perfect partner. No one is. He is imperfect as well. Your M didn’t fail. He did. He can’t fix the M. He has to own his actions, and demonstrate remorse and empathy for your pain. Wallowing in his own shame or guilt is selfish. He needs to be in IC to deal with his character flaws. He needs to be thinking of your pain, answering all of your questions without defensiveness. Watch his actions and not his words. Good luck.

I am sorry you found your way to this site. There are many people here who can guide you along the path you decide to follow... either true reconciliation (not rugsweeping)... or divorce.

I always said I would never tolerate this and cheating was always an end for me.

Many of us had the same boundary until we actually faced being cheated on. Don't feel bad about waffling... that is par for the course.

I would emphasize what has been previously mentioned. You will need more than one STD test since some of these diseases take some time to appear. Your doctor can help you with more information on that subject.

The books mentioned are great. Especially the one by Dr. Shirley Glass, "Not Just Friends". Both of you need to read it and discuss it.

I know things haven't been great. We haven't had sex in a year and not very much before then. I have issues stemming from abuse that he didn't know about. We also never comminicated. We were like roommates.

While both of you are responsible for the problems in your marriage, especially the lack of communication, your cheating husband is 100% responsible for his cheating. Please do not accept any responsibility or blame. It is not your fault. He could have been proactive in discussing things with you instead of doing what he did.

Others will be along with good information. Please know that everyone here has your back and wants the best for you, whatever you decide that might be.

Good luck.

We talk of 'getting out of infidelity', but the timing is up to you. My reco is to take the time you need to make the best decision for you and your 4 year old.

There's no way to prepare for infidelity. One might think it's an easy decision before d-day, but relationships have many aspects, and the decision is often much more complex than one can predict.

My further reco is to find a good IC to help you resolve the issues that come with being a survivor of abuse and the ones that come with being betrayed. Many of us think infidelity is abuse, so it's possible that d-day has triggered feelings similar to previous abuse.

Above all, though, have faith in yourself to get through this. You have the strength you need to survive and thrive, even if you aren't aware of it yet, and even though being betrayed is about as painful an experience a human being can go through.

MC can be very useful - if the MC treats your thoughts and feelings about the A before dealing with anything else. If the MC starts with anything resembling 'You both contributed to this', it's likely to be almost useless or worse.

The lack of sex in an M strikes me as a giant problem, but a healthy partner will go for changes in the M or D. Lack of sex is not any sort of reason for an A.

GCG, sorry you had to find the SI.

You wrote:

between him and his best friend the other night going back almost a year.

that they slept together 3 times.

We haven't had sex in a year

Looks like there is a timeline match here. The previous poster suggested that you ask for the detailed timeline of his A. I would second this.

Also, is the OW married? If yes, contact the OBS without letting your WH know.

Strength and healing to you!

I feel your pain and I am so sorry you are here. I agree that it may have been more than 3 times. That said, it sounds like he is willing to work on it. I am glad he broke down, it shows he understands that he was wrong. Don't do anything rash, but gather information. You did nothing wrong here.

Thank you all for the advise and support. It helps just knowing there are others out there.

So sorry this happened to you.

Reconciliation is hard but not impossible if both want it and both do the work. IC, individual counseling, helps. If you don't like the first one you try find another. Also get "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", quick read.

I’m so sorry! I’m glad you found this site - just sad that you need it, that any of us need it :(
My H had an A in 2012 that broke me & I never thought I’d ever experience that again. And I was like you - I said I’d never tolerate cheating. Until it happened to us. We’d been married 16 yrs at that time. It took years of IC - we did not start MC until well after we had been in IC for a year, if not more. I wish I had found this site back then! I found myself here after I discovered in Dec 2022 that H and a "family friend" started messaging each other back and forth. After the 2012 A, I was very vigilant - I had passwords to everything, we share the same apple account! I’m also an IT Professional! I got lax in checking stuff because it had been 10+ years since the A and yes, even though we were kind of in a rut, I NEVER expected it to happen to me again. And NOT from a co-conspirator who I had considered a FRIEND. These double betrayal posts in JFO are so triggering because of my recent experience. So I get it. If it’s not bad enough that your WH cheated - it’s an even deeper knife to the heart when it’s a supposed friend. Someone who charades as a friend to your marriage - but has designs on what YOU have, wants what you have. It’s just pure evil. For me, for us - the first and most important thing that I demanded immediately was NO CONTACT with the AP - and that had to happen..like yesterday. No wavering, no being nice, literally straight to the point, firm, decisive, make it VERY clear that WH wants nothing more to do with the AP. I didn’t care if he knew her since they were kids. That relationship was now dead and she had to be told very clearly that the relationship was OVER. Don’t contact us…ever. Not ever. I mean if you have to be mean - be mean. There’s no way nicely to put it. Some don’t recommend doing this - but I emailed AP as well letting her know she was no longer welcome in this family - around immediate family and with external family members. Two months after I discovered the EA, my H’s brother died. AP had the nerve to contact me - actually she had been contacting me quite regularly asking for forgiveness, telling me she had gone to church, gone to the altar wept and asked God for forgiveness, told me she sought pastoral counseling for what she had done - I cared NONE about her and what she was doing - NONE (their EA did not go PA, but lots of flirty, complimentary bullshit, stuff like hey let’s meet up, let’s have lunch, so I think it could have if they lived closer) - and still I told her that she was NOT welcome to come to the funeral. No one wanted to see her - lots of family were disgusted at her and WH behavior. Anyway - I know it’s complicated when AP is someone you are friends with too. NC is the first thing that needs to be done. Also - your WH was having sex with her - and while he may not have been having sex with you, you STILL need to get tested. BOTH you and your WH need to. I’m 100% certain my WH and the former friend AP never met up (we live in different cities - too far away - and he would have never been able to sneak away without raising my suspicions). Also I actually found the messages about 7-10 days after they started texting. Gosh just writing this out is soooo triggering. It was pure luck that I found them - he had left his Apple Watch at home and actually texted me that he left it at home. I was cleaning and picked up some dirty laundry and realized that the watch was under the laundry. So I remember thinking thank goodness I found this and didn’t throw it in the washing machine. Then I’m looking at the watch and he had messages so I was like hmm I wonder what these messages are. And I swear when I saw who it was - you could have knocked me down with a feather. Someone who was supposed to be my friend, our friend. Absolutely gutted me. And since I had experience with his A in 2012, I had NO mercy on him or her. So I outed both of them to our entire family. There was no maybe about it - I had ALL their messages. I wasn’t going to go away quietly - I was going to make as much noise and make them both as uncomfortable as possible. Some call this "scorched earth" and yes I did that. Exposed both of them because I will not keep anyone’s dirty secrets. And you know - some people will say Oh I’ll never stay with a cheater and again, you don’t know WHAT you’ll do when it happens to you, in any capacity. This time around I was ready to walk away. I was NOT going to go through what i had gone through before. Right now he’s doing ALL the work - he has trouble with making and keeping boundaries. Boundaries that protect us and our marriage. And that’s been a major issue that he’s been working on with his IC. Also on that note - go to IC. Him too. As someone who has suffered this betrayal, it’s a traumatic event so traumatizing you need help in your journey to healing. Don’t do MC - not right now. That’s one thing we did right - we went straight to IC. We’re not in MC right now and it’s been 7 months. I’m not sure I even want to do MC right now - he needs to work on his shit and I have my own stuff to work on. I felt that I had come a long way - i was mostly past the ‘12 A; I wasn’t as triggered, I was sleeping better, no longer depressed. When I found the texts 7 months ago, I felt like I had been thrown right back to dday#1. I’m working through triggers, the anxiety, the emotional turmoil. It takes time - I wish there was some magic wand that would take away that pain. But you just have to go through it. Feel all of it. Experience all of it. It SUCKS and I’m doing it. But i see progress and I see that we’re gonna make it. So I keep plugging away. And he keeps doing all the heavy lifting, the work I need him to do to be a safe partner. I don’t think you can decide so early on about reconciliation- and that’s ok. Take the time YOU need to work though the initial shock. Go to IC and work through the trauma. Baby steps. I told myself - in 7 days see where we’re at. Then 7 more days. And take it in chunks like that. Reconciliation is a GIFT. Remember that. I wish you the best. Continue to come here to post and update us. Come here to rant, rage, vent. We are all here to support you through this. Remember the goal is to get you out of infidelity. To some that means D, others it means reconciliation (R). You don’t have to decide right now - just take care of yourself. Good luck.

BB