leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:42 PM on Saturday, July 29th, 2023
Hang in there, Fold. This is such a tough time, but it does get better. I felt the same way, especially the emotional push-pull of wanting things back but not able to put them back. I had more time to process before getting D.
I wish I could be a fly on the wall when he gets back.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 6:43 PM on Saturday, July 29th, 2023
This has been/is such a hard road for you but you have moved forward with grace and fortitude. I admire you. It seems as if your story has progressed at warp speed. I’m sure you can’t wait to be settled and have this behind you, even, as you say, you may wish for things to go back to where they were before this last infidelity.
Please do keep us posted. I check every day just to see how you are. Sending hugs.
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 7:16 PM on Saturday, July 29th, 2023
Hugs to you, Lea and thanks for being such a bright light here for me. I am so sorry you felt the same push and pull in your situation. It is such a contrast in feelings, isn't it and can be a little crazy-making to boot. I know the feelings you had too -- that you want to get as far away as possible from somebody who could be so careless with your heart and life, but also miss deeply what used to be there. It is a lot and it can be overwhelming.
I know you are in a better place and you are so giving to be on the boards helping so many of us "newbies" with your wisdom and experience. Thank you.
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 7:32 PM on Saturday, July 29th, 2023
BeachGirl You are so dear. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I really value your support, so much. At times I have felt really isolated and desperately alone with the weight of all of this happening at warp speed, and the heaviness of the shame around what he did to kick off this unfortunate series of events. This forum has been a life buoy for sure and you are so kind to advise me over and over again here. Thank you.
It has all happened so fast and it just still doesn't seem real. And it is unfair, as basic as that sounds. I had lunch with a good friend (the only person here who now knows the whole story) and she was upset alongside me. "I'm supposed to get another year with you!" she said and I totally agree and am so sad about it. He has taken so much away from me, including time I was supposed to have with people I am close with, the few locally who have shown up for me, whom I am forced to say goodbye to.
Today has been all of the "lasts" lumping into one for the kids and me: last time playing on the playset in the backyard, last visit to the donut shop after the last Saturday morning swim lesson, last time hugging camp friends goodbye at the park. Tonight will be last round of baths in the big bathtub and last time going to sleep in this house, this state, on this coast. I hate seeing the kids asleep in sleeping bags on sad little travel cots, and stuffing odds and ends of their toys into suitcases. And they look around and say things like "we will never be in this house again" and "we forgot to pack the cat's favorite toy, he needs it!" and "All of my friends from pre-k will be in K together except me and I won't know anybody at my new school." It breaks my heart. This fractured home and life is not what was ever planned. They deserve so much more than what they are being forced to have to deal with. We are supposed to be leaving soon on our Disney vacation, going to the old neighbors' annual summer party, planning for a promotion he was in line to receive. The entire slate of the life we had, it seems, was just wiped clean and we are off to a lot of unknown with a lot of emotional baggage, pain, and fear (well me, they may fare better).
I know I am a broken record, but I just want to go back in time. I want my old life back. I am so so afraid of what will come starting tomorrow. It is a "new chapter" that has nothing positive attached to it for me, and I am forced to submit and keep taking step after step when I just want to run backwards.
BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:20 PM on Saturday, July 29th, 2023
The emotions that you and your kids are going through right now are 100% normal. I think almost all of us wanted to turn back the clock and get a big giant redo. I would actually be more concerned if you all weren’t feeling those feelings as scary and sad as this is, one day, you all will look back on it, and be amazed at your strength and resilience and determination. And your kids will see that they have one bad ass mom who always put them first, you were in the military life and that means your kids are going to be saying goodbye to school mates and all that anyway. That just is the life of the military brat – I was one so I understand so your kids will be fine and they will get through it and you will be fine and you will get through it and all of you will be the better for it.
just remember that looking forward is how we get ahead, there’s not a lot of use in the rearview mirror. Do you allow yourself and your kids to grieve the losses while still encouraging yourselves forward.
Good luck tomorrow and know that we’re all here rooting for you and we know your next chapter so to speak is going to be amazing
[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 9:20 PM, Saturday, July 29th]
Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 7:33 PM on Sunday, July 30th, 2023
I love that mini revenge plot you have with the wine, laundry and the empty gas tank. A very minor inconvenience compared to what he has put you through, but hey it will give me joy.
I have come to realize not all men ( and women ) have the maturity to be married and have kids. They should stick to casual dating , watching out for themselves, enjoying life. Not all are capable of being giving, nurturing, compassionate partners. When people like these get married they are fine until their needs are met but at some point their selfishness takes over and they are comfortable watching out for themselves rather than their partners and kids.
I think my WH is one of them and most likely yours too. It’s unfortunate though for women like us who end up being a part of their momentary thrill to get married. We are causalities of their experiments gone wrong , the leftover debris after the fire.
It’s hard to make sense of anything and I go back and forth too of what could have been, should have been, that marriages are so precious and we could have had a good happy one. It’s not too difficult to be faithful, to put your marriage and family first. Lives, emotions, experiences all wasted because of one individuals selfish choices.
I do have to remind myself that in the end it’s not my fault. I did my best, he’s incapable of valuing it. I hope you remind yourself that too.
I have moved a lot as a child, every home has an emotional value and attachment and I know what you feel. On the positive side You will feel at home it the new place once you have settled down. The kids will too. Please take care fold. I know this is tough, but you will be ok.
twicefooled ( member #42976) posted at 3:48 PM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023
All of your feelings are completely normal and valid. This has been a psychological trauma for all of you, orchestrated by the one you thought would protect you. It's a mind fuck.
Use the anger to propel you forward. Even though you are experiencing your "lasts" right now, your next step is all of the "firsts" Not sad firsts, like first Christmas apart, but happy firsts, like "first time I didn't wake up thinking of him" or "first time I recognized I'm in control of my life for the first time in forever"
I found that all of the energy I spent helping my ex with addiction (before we left) was spent building a better career for myself so that I could support the kiddos in the way I wanted for them. I never got a dime from my ex. When we left, I was working at a low paying non-profit agency job (that I adored with my whole heart). I had to watch every penny, go to food banks, barter my help for babysitting, etc. Now, 10 years later, I've gotten my dream job along with pension/benefits/tuition help for the kids and I've also continued with a side business I started about 6yrs ago. I've been able to help my son move into his own apartment this year and was able to allow my daughter to do competitive cheerleading for 5 yrs (expensive but so worth it). I refused to be a "single mom statistic" so I kicked the stereotypes ass. My kiddos tell me how proud they are of what I've done on my own for them.
Like yours, my ex was never able to be a full time father. Once he was left to his own devices after we left, he fell hard into addiction and never got out of it's grips. He'd show up at our house periodically, would text the kids every blue moon, try to get sober and then fall off the wagon, etc.
My story has a happy ending for myself and the kiddos, but not for my ex. He died of an overdose this year in May. Our new family motto is "no new hurts" because now we can finally come to terms with our trauma, knowing no more toxicity will find us from him.
You are doing an amazing job. Feel the feelings. Don't apologize to us for your feelings or actions. We've all been there and we are here to help <3
May 29 2021 ***reclaimed myself and decided to delete my story with my ex because I'm now 7 years free from him and mentally healthier than I've been in years.
*********When you know better, you can do better*************
Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 5:22 PM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023
I’m thinking you are now in your new location. Am I correct? How are you holding up? How did your trip go?
Sending positive vibes and hugs.
TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 3:53 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023
Thinking of you too Fold. I imagine you're grinding through this move and setting up your new life. Wishing you strength.
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 4:20 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023
Thank you, Bearly. I appreciate your pump up message. Kids (especially military kids) are resilient, and adaptable, and they are young enough to mostly roll with the punches which is helpful. I think they will be OK, for now at least. We will see what happens when their dad establishes a routine for Facetime and visits, and if behavior and emotions get a little wonky before or after those times. But I have been the stability and they are used to mostly me parenting so there is that.
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 4:31 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023
Abalone, your message was so nice to read, thank you. And you made a really interesting statement about some people simply not being capable of staying in marriages that require extended needs to put others (spouse, kids) first. Even a portion of the time.
I think it is a solid theory pertaining to your spouse, and possibly mine. They like the idea of being married, having a family, steering the ship so to speak, but over time their interest in protecting their family, considering others before themselves, making the right decisions may wane.
I have wondered if he will wind up with a third wife. And of course I am beside myself thinking about some other woman/women he may date or marry being around the kids. I know he is smart enough not to parade new dates in front of them (we were careful when introducing me to my now stepdaughter; waited almost a year before doing some FaceTime talks and then planning a weekend for the three of us together). All I can imagine is whomever he may wind up with has to be a total baby dumb dumb if she either never googles him, or if she googles him, sees what he is/was on the hook for, and is like "yes, let's date."
It does upset me, as you mentioned that there is so much potential with partners to continue to have a good marriage and to improve upon it without stepping out. I remember when we were in an LDR before getting married that we spoke often how we had something special, that we had to take care of it and nurture it. We often had check ins to make sure we were both happy, on the same page with things, to air any issues. It felt like maintaining a nice car -- do it often, in advance, and take care of it. But at some point that must have dwindled down; maybe it was me having to do all the scheduled maintenance and him never bothering to check if it needed oil. It is just still so swiftly painful, like knocking the wind out of me, that it has all crumbled so dramatically.
Really appreciate your support.
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 4:36 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023
TwiceFooled: Thanks for your note and for sharing your story I have read your threads and know you went through such a super painful and difficult situation with your former spouse. You dealt with A LOT, and your kids and family did too. I know that those impacts will remain, but you are seeming to be doing so, so well despite what you were forced to have to manage, deal with, and grow from. I can tell that you and the kids are incredibly strong and agile and you should be so proud of the positive, solid, amazing life you have rebuilt for your family unit. Keep hanging in there -- I think you are doing awesome and you are clearly a big influence on so many of us here.
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 5:40 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023
BeachGirl and The End. You are so kind to check in. Thank you.
The flight over went fine and we spent a few days at a hotel until the house was mostly ready to move into. My husband arrived Monday night and we moved in, unpacked the pods, and set things up on Tuesday. Wednesday was more organizing, utilities, errands, hauling boxes to the dump, you know the drill. I brought the kids to the house on Wednesday late day and he took them to dinner. Thursday morning he helped do a few things at the house then said bye to the kids to go catch his flight. They had a quick bye and ran back inside and I went out front when his uber pulled up. He tried to hug me, said he was sorry, to call if I needed anything. I pushed him back and told him I would never, ever forgive him for destroying our family. He at least had the decency to cry. Then he left, I went back inside, had a cry myself, then went back to the endless barrage of setting up the house.
My parents checked out of the hotel yesterday and are staying at the house for the weekend. They are a help with kids and tasks around the house. The house is OK. I of course rented it sight unseen across the country, it is 100+ years old, has lots of old house quirks, is much smaller than we've had so a ton is in the sketchy basement for storage, and was absolutely filthy. I've had the plumber, electrician, painter, handyman, and wifi installer out already, and the washing machine service tech just left because my almost-new washer broke during the move (among many other items) (looks like one of the movers ripped out the stabilizer mechanism which apparently is lucrative to resell; $400 and won't have parts until Friday...). Otherwise, I have been doing the usual errands (DMV, utilities, Home Depot, grocery stock up), cleaning, organizing, hanging things, some yardwork. Had virtual intake with a new therapist (the one I'd been doing telehealth with isn't licensed in this state); had a second interview for that job I'm not qualified for that pays nothing; and then some back and forth with my attorney to add in the clause so my STBX will split after school care and camp fees. Exhausting as expected, in all ways.
I am still just super busy doing the logistics and trying to get settled. My parents will leave in a couple of days and then have a full 5 weeks just me and the kids 24/7 until school begins (too late for any camo signups). Reality will set in then, I think, when it's just me doing it all solo. And that is before I get any type of employment going.
So, technically still upright. Barely.
Thanks for checking in me, you guys mean a lot to me.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:57 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023
Fold, I've been following,but it's been awhile since I've commented.
You are handling this with such grace. So much bravery. I know you are devastated, and scared. The strength you are showing, is what your children will remember. You are an amazing mother,and woman. As they get older, the kids will know they can count on you.
You will be ok.
I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.
Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 6:26 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023
I agree with everything Hellfire said and, I must say, just reading your post exhausted me! I don’t know how you do it all but you truly are amazing! One day you will look back on this time and impress even yourself with your strength.
Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing. We care. ❤️
Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 11:24 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023
I’ve been following your posts but haven’t commented in a while either. My son just graduated college in May and moved across country to CA for graduate school last week. It’s been crazy around the house with getting him moved and settled in. I’m just getting back into a routine - husband started a 9 month training program on Monday and I feel like a zombie going back to work after this "around the world in 6 days" trip! I drove across 7 states in two days to help my son with his move. He had to take his car so I was his co-pilot 😊 I have to say, I do admire your strength - when you make a plan, you definitely set a time table and put everything into motion to get things done. I admire your strength, courage, commitment to your kids. I know they see you as the one constant they can count on which is so important with the many changes happening. I raised three military children - and you’re so right, military children are very resilient. So many people asked us if our son was going to be okay moving across the country that far away from us. He’s 22 - he’s been moving around his whole life. This is nothing new to him. Take comfort in the fact that yes your children will be okay - I know you will make sure you do everything in your power to make they are taken care of, protected, nurtured. I only hope your WH lives up to his end of the bargain and remains as much of a constant in their lives as possible. I’ll be thinking of you and sending positive vibes - for peace, sanity, comfort and for landing a new job soon. You can do this! You already are! Total badass. I know you don’t think it - but you really are. You got this. It’s gonna be hard - but you got the chops to get through this and flourish and thrive. I wish you well. Please keep us posted so we know how you’re doing and holding up. Take care!
Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month)
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well
TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 4:02 PM on Sunday, August 6th, 2023
I'm glad you checked in Fold.
I think I could have written that post for you. In the brief time you've been here your strength, intelligence and sheer will have been on display. Of course you've done exactly what you said you'd do and of course you are working your ass off to take care of your kids.
You truly are remarkable. I hope you take a moment to recognize that in yourself and it gives you hope knowing you are going to be just fine.
Things will settle and your feels will show up more and more. You will continue to grieve. We are here when that happens. Glad you are connecting with a new IC.
Enjoy those kiddos for the rest of the summer. The love you give and receive from them might be the thing that helps you keep you going.
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 6:16 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023
Hellfire: What a thoughtful message. Thank you. I have been following your current situation and am hoping you have some answers, clarity, and a direction to go in soon. Please keep posting and hanging in there. You are a pretty strong woman yourself -- we all know that.
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 6:17 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023
Thank you, BeachGirl, as always. Your support means so much.
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 6:25 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023
Blackbird:[/bold Congrats on launching your son! The cross-country move sounds exhausting -- so many moving pieces, so much driving, and then of course the emotional weight of him being off on his own and far away. it is hard, isn't it? But you clearly have raised a smart, stable, independent young man. And I am sure that the resiliency he learned as a military brat and your work to ensure he was able to be agile and roll with the punches has only served him well and will continue to. I hope you are getting some rest after such a whirlwind time and that he is settling in well too to his new place.
Your advice and cheerleading for me is so nice and thoughtful. Thank you. I am tired, sore, have mountains of laundry, a huge to do list, and am just whirling in a lot of emotion. My parents left and now it is just our little family to settle in. Their dad FaceTimed them yesterday for the first time. We will see how frequent his outreach is. I know he loves them and misses them and am sure in many ways wishes he could un-f*ck this entire situation, but I keep reminding myself that he had multiple opportunities to attempt to fix anything, really anything, about what he did and he did not take the time or care to do it.