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Newest Member: Usedandneverloved

Divorce/Separation :
WH giving up in favor of divorce


crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:47 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

I don't have love for him any more, and little respect. But I am still mourning what we have lost and what I have lost and what the family is losing. It's all just loss after loss.

This is exactly what divorce feels like for me too. It's grieving what could have been and was never possible in my situation. Divorce has it's separate grief aside from infidelity grief.

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014

posts: 8634   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8800458

 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 11:25 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

CrazyBlindsided: I am so sorry you have felt the same but good to hear it is normal at the same time. In some way I am more hurt and upset that the marriage is over than the cheating. Because he cheated before, we did loads of therapy, read all the books, did all the worksheets, and had mostly moved along. So my brain is like "yep, we know what this feels like. But getting divorced is a new pain to experience."

I know that him cheating is on him and doesn't have much to do with me, even if he claims otherwise in revisionist history. But I do feel so completely used and tossed away, nonetheless. That combined with how seemingly easily he decided not to try is painful and scarring. I haven't even started to scratch the surface of working through the pain of being cheated on again, with somebody I was friendly with no less, and what that has done to my self confidence and self esteem because I am so stunned and desperately sad that my marriage is over.

I hope that you are working through your grief well and I am so so sorry you are here on the boards too. None of us deserve to be treated this way.

posts: 253   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8800464

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 6:04 PM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

Ugh, I'm so sorry that he is rising to all new levels of assholery. I really do wonder if he has strong narcissistic traits because this sounds like a discard phase. As soon as he no longer had to give a damn, he stopped and made it all your problem.

posts: 5231   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8800551

 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 12:27 AM on Sunday, July 23rd, 2023

Hi Nekonomida: Thanks for your support.

I've done all the DSM-V research, and don't think he is a narcissist (or psychopath, another I felt compelled to research). I think he is just a run-of-the-mill dirtbag. He has selfish qualities, obvious lack of morals, and severely deficient character because of this series of terrible decisions he has made. But I don't think there is a real diagnosis here, though he likely wishes there was one to cling to as an excuse. He is definitely completely turning his back in every way now that he doesn't feel tied to me or our family or marriage. He, because of his actions, now has no stability in his job or future career options, in his finances. And he is losing the good reputation he had once enjoyed, and potentially his freedom. It just seems when he was reported and found out he originally wanted to cling to me and the family as support, and then over time just went "screw it, burn the rest down and start everything from scratch, alone."

He has made it abundantly clear over the last month that he wants to live his life the way he wants to live it, and that is by himself and for himself.

In the meantime, I am so panicked about juggling kids, childcare when not in school, and how the heck I can find flex work to support us after not working for so long. He, who has never worked in the civilian world, just thinks its a piece of cake to find work I can do from home, at random hours, to watch the kids when they are not at school or are on vacation or are sick. Again, it's not his problem because he will be across the country doing the single life, being paid but not working, and only having to care for his kids or do anything other than whatever he wants for 2 days every month or so. He simply does not care about anybody but himself and he is speaking to me and treating me like I am the one that blew up his life.

posts: 253   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8800583

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:35 AM on Sunday, July 23rd, 2023

he is speaking to me and treating me like I am the one that blew up his life.

He has to do that to protect himself from having any ownership in these recent events.

In his mind he is the victim because that works for him. He doesn’t have any responsibility for anything b/c "things are out of his control".

He is doing what works for him. Yet again he is a selfish person in some way shape or form.

I think the sooner you are away from him the better you will be. Once you get yourself situated and everything works out, you will be EPIC!

Just be prepared for the possibility that one day he may decide to come crawling back when you least expect it. His life will be in the toilet and he may regret his decision. And who is the first person he will go running to? The person who loved him and supported him etc.

I hope this helps you see a great future for you & kids.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13708   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8800603

Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 1:39 PM on Sunday, July 23rd, 2023

He really has deserted you and his children. What a weak person he is! Once your divorce is through make SURE his family knows EXACTLY how he has treated you and the children he supposedly loves.

Fold, all here know your strength and how awful you must feel right now, but I, and I’d bet everyone else, can see a bright future ahead for you.

I’m older and remember the musical Carousel. A meaningful song when the star was facing an uncertain future was " You’ll Never Walk Alone". I love that song. The chorus was:

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of a storm
There's a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

You will find your golden sky. ❤️ Sending hugs.

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2020
id 8800615

 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 5:07 PM on Monday, July 24th, 2023

1st Wife: Totally on point. He can't control anything related to his career ending and facing this very real criminal allegation, but what he can control is whether or not he has to take ownership for ruining our marriage and the stability of our family. He is forced to take responsibility for his legal case, but by shedding me and the kids he gets to shirk dealing with the responsibility (and pain caused), other than the financial support he has/will be court ordered to pay.

It's ridiculous. Also ridiculous? I've tracked where he/the car is. He left Friday to "go meet a contact to discuss a work opportunity" several states north from where we are. He named the person/company/setting and that they were meeting at his home with his team over the weekend. I was suspect because the person he named is someone I also know, who to my knowledge, lives in a different state than where this alleged meeting was happening. But I stayed quiet and waited. The kicker? He never went to where he said he was going for this alleged work discussion this past weekend. He checked into a casino on Saturday and is still there. He doesn't know I know he has two more nights booked at a different casino in a different state this week. There was never a work meeting. He wanted to do a gambling road trip. He could have spent two weeks with the kids and done his vacation after the move -- when all he has is time and no responsibility since he is not working -- but nope, he wanted to do it when he wanted to do it and how he wanted to do it. He will never have access to the kids for a full two weeks in a row. This is his choice, to go do this boondoggle and brush aside the chance to spend time with them. Nuts.

He won't try to come back. I know that for sure. Once the decree is finalized we will communicate by text for the kids and that is it. I want to forget him as much as he is trying to forget me.

posts: 253   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8800723

 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 5:09 PM on Monday, July 24th, 2023

Thank you, BeachGirl. .

I appreciate the support especially as I see only fear, struggle, and dark times ahead. I know it may not always feel or appear that way but it does for now. But I do get the very well meaning reminders and appreciate it.

posts: 253   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8800725

Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 9:40 PM on Monday, July 24th, 2023

I read your update and just when I thought your husband couldn’t get any worse he manages!!! He really seems narcissistic- extremely!

All here support you. I hope you can share more with loved ones soon so you can get support in real life.

Sending a hug.

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2020
id 8800764

SackOfSorry ( member #83195) posted at 11:32 PM on Monday, July 24th, 2023

To me, and I'm certainly no expert, he sounds like he is so super embarrassed that he just won't deal with being around people he knows, that he needs to face.

It reminds me, in a way, of a friend's brother who had a tumour in his colon or anus. He was so embarrassed about it that he wouldn't seek treatment. He didn't until it was the size of an orange and it was too late. His sister always comments that it's so stupid that her brother literally died of embarrassment.

The military with all of its "honour" just seems like something he wouldn't want to face if he dishonoured it. Same for his wife and family. I hope he feels like a class A fool, which is what he is. It feels like he's just running to avoid embarrassment.

Me - BW
DDay - May 4, 2013

And nothing's quite as sure as change. (The Mamas and the Papas)

posts: 85   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2023
id 8800775

 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 11:58 PM on Monday, July 24th, 2023

BeachGirl: You are so kind to continue writing to me here. Thank you. I am biting my tongue -- to him that I know all of this stuff -- and to his family, our shared friends. I will stay true to my word and let him have the opportunity to talk in person with his parents, siblings, and my stepdaughter. And I will continue to keep my silence until the divorce is final before I speak with his family as I am sure there will be a LOT he does not share with them (except for my stepchild who I will not share any details with bc even though an adult it is not fair to them). I will wait until the media picks up on the second phase of the investigation to speak with my closer military friends. They have been very considerate, just checking in without pressure, and I have told most that I appreciate it and just need some space.

And thanks for the virtual hug. I needed it. I've been a cluster of anger/stress/tears juggling loose ends here, the kids, job hunt, and prepping for an interview. Good for him to be off on a solo vacation, right?

posts: 253   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8800778

 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 12:07 AM on Tuesday, July 25th, 2023

Sack of Sorry: What a sad story! I am so sorry to hear that. Embarrassment can make people do irrational things.

I think my WH is embarrassed. I mean, who wouldn't be? I am extremely ashamed and embarrassed and I didn't have anything to do with any of this. I think he is just running, from responsibility and ownership and having to deal with what he did to me and our family. Maybe from being embarrassed, but more likely because I think he is just selfish and a coward. He has former military in the area where we live so has some people to spend time with. Maybe they will peter off once they find out what he has done, or maybe they rally around him. As for people still in the military, between the no contact order with people he used to work with and the fact that the social circle we had enjoyed has shunned him/us, he doesn't have a lot of invitations there. And he will have to face leadership and peers with what he did, what rules he broke, and the allegation he is facing.

He is simply a person who made a terrible series of decisions that have only hurt the people he claimed to care for the most. And his actions and behaviors now after all he has done, speaks volumes of the pathetic person he has turned into.

posts: 253   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8800779

BallofAnxiety ( member #82853) posted at 2:21 PM on Tuesday, July 25th, 2023

I know that him cheating is on him and doesn't have much to do with me, even if he claims otherwise in revisionist history. But I do feel so completely used and tossed away, nonetheless. That combined with how seemingly easily he decided not to try is painful and scarring. I haven't even started to scratch the surface of working through the pain of being cheated on again, with somebody I was friendly with no less, and what that has done to my self confidence and self esteem because I am so stunned and desperately sad that my marriage is over.

I relate SO MUCH to everything you said here. My STBXH did exactly the same, after I discovered evidence he started claiming he hadn't been happy for a long time, felt like roommates, etc. All of that was completely new information to me; he'd never voiced anything like that before.

In my case, the STBXH also has never, not even once, seemed interested in R. I'm in the same boat as you, I don't want it and never have, but it feels terrible to be thrown out like garbage by someone I loved for 17 years. I believe he's now living with AP, my former friend. The thing that gets me is all I've ever wanted was that super close relationship, one I thought I had with STBXH. Now, he gets to go straight from living with me to living with her and I'm struggling in the dating pool. I'm dating a very nice man who seems decent and good, but he wants to take the relationship slower than I do. That, in itself, is probably good for me yet I keep comparing my relationship to STBXH's and I get so jealous. Not bc I want to be with him, but bc I want to be with someone who wants me that much. Basically, he does everything wrong and gets to have the life I want, while I did nothing wrong and am left trying to rebuild. It's so phenomenally unfair it makes me want to puke.

Me: BW. STBXH: ONS 2006; DDay 12/2022 "it was only online," trickle truth until 1/2023 - "it was 1 year+ affair with MCOW." Separated and divorcing.

posts: 115   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8800822

FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 4:55 PM on Tuesday, July 25th, 2023

Please be prepared that your stbxh will not be there to help you unload the pods and will probably not be there for your kids even the small amount of time he's supposed to. I foresee excuses and "money issues" in his future. He's not a responsible person now and I don't expect that to change.

posts: 188   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8800850

 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 6:38 PM on Tuesday, July 25th, 2023

Ball of Anxiety: ((Hugs)) to you I am so so sorry that you can understand how I am feeling and I am so sorry that you have experienced something so similar. I think that some people who cheat do it because they are unhappy and feel like they "deserve" to cheat. But some segment of cheaters cheat because of the opportunity, not that they were miserable with their partner. I think regardless when people are caught doing bad things they cling to any excuse to make themselves feel better or explain their actions to others. Whether it is the truth or not. It is a lot and I feel for you. Same goes for you knowing the AP like I do. It is another level of pain. I was not a close friend with the OW but she is someone who has been to my house for dinners several times and who I was friendly with when I saw her. It is a big betrayal for you that your husband's AP was your friend. I am so sorry.

I am encouraged that you are working to move on, and whether the man you are dating is somebody you want to be with longer term or not, that you are enjoying things. Try not to compare your new RL with your ex's. Their relationship was built from lying and cheating and sneaking around. Yours is the opposite. Which has the stronger foundation for success? You by a landslide. Find some comfort in that, if you can.

It is easy to feel abandoned and tossed away in these cases and I know it is a normal feeling for us to have. Doesn't help much other than knowing you are not alone in how you feel.

posts: 253   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8800860

 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 6:49 PM on Tuesday, July 25th, 2023

FunHouse: Yes, my expectations have been reset to a low bar. He does eventually have to get to town because he has my vehicle, a hotel reservation he prepaid for himself for the duration of the move, and I presume he wants to say bye to the kids. But who knows. He could pull some other excuse out and really abandon me/us even more. My parents are coming to town to help (mostly with childcare) so worst case I hire more crew members or do more work myself. But I am hopeful he keeps up his end of the bargain. We will see. Have learned this last week or two that he is shedding as much responsibility as he can even if to the detriment of the kids.

After the divorce is final, there won't be any need to communicate outside of the what is required for the kids. I mean, I'll have to set up their ipad so they can FaceTime him when/if they want, but I won't be texting him daily photos or anecdotes or anything. He keeps saying he is going to move to our new city once "all of this stuff is done" and he thinks he will see the kids a ton and walk them to school and all of these grand ideas, but I am not buying it. He can stay a mostly absent father. They're used to him not being around much and it may be better for them. And he clearly doesn't have the ability or interest in much more than the bare minimum since he can't be bothered to spend their last two weeks here with them and has concocted this giant series of lies about why he is doing this vacation disguised as a "work opportunity."

posts: 253   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8800863

FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 3:20 AM on Thursday, July 27th, 2023

Well hopefully he will follow through on his promises for his kids' sake. You are so strong and an inspiration to many. Keep going.

posts: 188   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8801052

 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 4:01 PM on Thursday, July 27th, 2023

Thank you FunHouse.

Your support means a lot.

I will post an update once we get settled. He has made it to his family’s house so is presumably spending the next few days explaining everything (or whatever version of "everything" he will spin) and then driving north to do the same with a sibling and my stepchild before meeting me for the unloading.

He still doesn’t know I know his actual whereabouts this past week. I’ll be sure to ask how his important business meeting went … curious to see what his reply will be.

Last week before he left I brought up after care for the kids when not in school. He’d originally said he’d split the cost and then when I mentioned I wanted to add a clause to that effect in the agreement he said he didn’t agree to it. Child support coverage in our state where I filed is supposed to "cover" child care but the amount I will receive is not enough to pay for what I need so I can work FT. I spoke with my attorney about his reticence and was advised I could either risk "spooking the bear" bc he has agreed to alimony which is not a given in our state, or try to add it in and see if he counters.

I’m trying to sort through what to do here. Ask for, say $10k to offset costs (about 40% by my calculations) for school year/summer camps/vacation camps and if he declines change tack…. And go back and request a higher set alimony amount that wouldn’t change even if he is demoted in rank that essentially gives me close to that $10k per month. He is low on disposable funds now and I am not so if I need to draw out the process with our attorneys I will and can do it. I mean I don’t want to but I may have to. Hoping he’ll just agree. Pay 40% of childcare for the next 8-10 years they’ll need it OR force him to renegotiate higher alimony which he will pay for life. I have not asked for part of his 401k or pension like his first wife has (she gets 40% of retirement).

No clue what will happen. But I am not afraid of playing dirty in light of not only what he has done to me and our family but his terrible decisions and treatment of me after the infidelity and decision to divorce.

posts: 253   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8801082

Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 9:13 AM on Saturday, July 29th, 2023

Fold, Good luck with the move. Keep posting here about how you are settling down. Take care.

posts: 220   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8801467

 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 4:28 PM on Saturday, July 29th, 2023

Thank you, Abalone. Last day in the house and in this state. We fly out in the morning. Mix of emotions, sad and angry still, wistful.

Just for "fun" I'm leaving his car with an empty gas tank and a "fill tire now" warning light in the garage. I have a final load of laundry in using the last Tide pod, and have packed the wine opener. I am sure he will get back here, go to start a load of laundry and open a bottle of wine, realize he cant do either then go get in the car to get groceries and realize he has to get to the gas station pronto. One of the smoke detectors in the house is chirping despite me changing the battery so will have to deal with too.

He talked to the kids one time in 7 days. Is going to try to FaceTime them today, allegedly.

I want this all to be over but at the same time still want to rush back to a few months ago before any of this happened. I simultaneously want to never have to see him again and also have our marriage back. It's such a hard mix of emotions.

posts: 253   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8801484
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