SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hope this doesn't sound stupid, but is your brain tumour affecting the way you think/process? Is it possible that it's physically keeping you in the mindset? I hope you understand what I mean.

As a matter of fact......the surgery to remove the two tumors (of which part of one remains, they could not safely take it all) did cause severe trauma to my brain and the destruction of certain brain matter. The result has been damage to the right side of the brain in the region that controls how emotions make me "feel"........I have "heightened" emotions. My emotions are stronger than they used to be. I still feel the same way about things, I just feel a little more deeply when I do feel. I do cry more easily as a result. I absolutely believe it has played a part in this feeling of constant dread. Antidepressants do little and some are dangerous with the possible side affects. The tumor isn't helping that's for sure. I have spoken with the doctor about all of this. He has tried the antidepressants that are safe. He has given me something to help me sleep that is non-addictive (he will not give me sleeping pills for fear I may take them all) He has recommended counselling. However, I do not have coverage for it and the hours they run mean missing work and work is none to happy with me at the moment for being so teary all the time.

Although I think the tumor is making my feelings more intense, sadly it is out of my control and hence, once again logic tells me one thing, but emotions are winning the race hard as I try to overcome them.

Gently, please try to help yourself get out of this funk. I know, I know, it's so hard when you can barely function, but one tiny toe dipped into something just for you can make a world of difference.

No friends? Join a meetup group.

Love dogs? Volunteer at your local animal shelter (I also love animals and helping those helpless pets was so cathartic for me).

Do you enjoy exercising? Running, hiking, any hobby you have done in the past. So many things that you can just add little by little to your plate to move you forward and get you out of your house. Even if it's an hour or two on the weekends. Instead of dreading the conversations at work, you have something to share on Monday mornings.

That POS is out living his life. You need to live your life too.

The nice weather is upon us. Get out of the house, walk your dogs, sit in the sunshine, force yourself to do something, anything. Please don't waste this beautiful summer! There's so much to do and see!

Devastated, you can do this! Find your inner courage. Put on your tallest beatch boots and say "eff" this guy.

The anger will set in and hopefully it will push you forward.

You deserve to be happy! You can be happy!

A huge virtual hug........

I found going to the beach helped. Lying in the sun really did make a difference. I took my journal (I know… I know….journaling is the last thing you feel like doing) but it HELPED! I wrote out every last angry word…swearing, cursing, I said all I wanted to say, I didn’t hold back. I would sit there in the sun and let it all out. I watched the insects and the birds. They were with me, I know it sounds strange but it helped.

Every time I wanted to reach out to him (which was all the time), when the urge got too much I called the helplines instead. I told them I wanted to call him so I was calling them instead. They understood and they listened, They cared more than him, that’s for sure.

Every time I reached out to him he set me back. Telling me about his new life and at the same time rejecting me. It was the worst feeling in the world. It made me feel completely worthless. Please stop contacting him. He is doing the same to you. He is kicking you while you are down. Please don’t let him.

Over time I realised what kind of person actually enjoys adding to the pain and hurt? My ex didn’t do one thing to make the separation and cheating easier for me, in fact he made it harder. It sounds like your ex is too. Please ask yourself do you really want such a cruel person in your life?

Your strength and healing is coming. Please try to do things that make you feel strong. Even just not texting, cleaning, gardening, animals. Keep busy and distracted as best you can.

You can do this.

The result has been damage to the right side of the brain in the region that controls how emotions make me "feel"........I have "heightened" emotions. My emotions are stronger than they used to be. I still feel the same way about things, I just feel a little more deeply when I do feel. I do cry more easily as a result. I absolutely believe it has played a part in this feeling of constant dread. Antidepressants do little and some are dangerous with the possible side affects. The tumor isn't helping that's for sure. I have spoken with the doctor about all of this. He has tried the antidepressants that are safe. He has given me something to help me sleep that is non-addictive (he will not give me sleeping pills for fear I may take them all) He has recommended counselling. However, I do not have coverage for it and the hours they run mean missing work and work is none to happy with me at the moment for being so teary all the time.

This is really useful information for you, it gives some clues how best to respond to your feelings. I hear you say you haven’t got cover for counselling, but is there not subsidised or free options in the US? Sorry, I don’t know, but there has to be some… some CBT and NET would be very helpful amongst many other options. I am no expert, but it seems to me that if you know you are feeling some emotions more strongly (not more deeply in terms of the brain structures I would contend but simply more strongly ) than before, this is useful to note. Emotions are there to inform our behaviour and actions, via the neocortex, so if yours are unusually heightened, then your neocortex can (eventually) take account of that and recalibrate. By the same logic, I assume that means that positive emotions are also heightened so I hope there is some sense of homeostasis, balance, you can see through heightened negative and positive emotion, which you can work with so you are not merely a victim of your negative emotions.

Devastated, what you need to accept is that your husband is a piece of shit. There is no excuse for a husband to leave an ill wife and then rub her nose in it by telling her he is having too much fun to help her find a key. HE.IS.A.PIECE.OF.SHIT! Please accept that.
He sounds so narcissistic that his whole focus is on himself. No one matters but him.

YOU MATTER! You matter to us.

Call for help. You are worth it.

Thank you for explaining about the brain tumour. I know it's very personal. At least you know it is playing a part in your trying to recover from this and may very well be hindering your process to some degree.

Some of our suggestions must sound so trite. I guess please just try to remember it's coming from a place of care, and wanting for you to hopefully be able to latch onto something that may have worked for one of us, you know?

I know for me when I was in the thick of it and not really knowing what was going to happen, a part of me was excited. Really! There was a part of me that was looking forward to being selfish, knowing I wasn't going to have to put up with all the little things he did that annoyed me (I didn't have to sit through re-runs of Matlock anymore!), knowing I could live life my way, knowing I could set my own goals and do what I wanted. As great as marriage can be when it's good, I think we all have to admit we lose some of ourselves at times, we may compromise too much, we may hold ourselves back or set aside our own goals to help our spouse achieve theirs, stuff like that. I really latched on to work like a sinking person in the ocean. It was a huge distraction for me because I could go there and concentrate on that, and forget about my home problems. It seems like I'm a little different in that regard because I read of so many people who seem to be the opposite. I was on the verge or was losing my husband, I sure as heck didn't want to lose my job! I made very sure to not let him affect me at my job. There was just no way I was going to let him take that from me, too. Like you, I had some dogs as well, and I had to keep going for them.

I understand that there were certain jobs he did around the house and maybe you don't know the layout of your garage, as you were saying. But you can learn! And you can feel free to organize things exactly the way you want now! It's that re-framing again. It's a challenge but it's also an opportunity if you can choose to look at it like that.

Hi Devastated,
Checking up on you dear lady.
Also I’m jumping on board and agreeing with what Cooley2here just said. Your husband is a terrible person. A lying, cheating POS. There is no other way to describe what he did to you. He cheated on you in the middle of brain tumor treatment!! Who does that?? You don’t want that man - and you don’t NEED that man! His AP thinks she got some great prize? HA! Joke’s on her. Someday she’s going to come to the realization that her married bf left his very ill wife - battling brain tumors to go have some fun. And he could very well do the same to her in a time of need. Your life is worth so much more. YOU are worth so much - you have value, integrity, respect, morals - you have been wronged, and yet you sit and pine for this man to come back in to your life? No ma’am. He’s a cruel, evil person. I’m sorry to say that to you. Anyone who can walk out on his sick wife is an evil, terrible, cruel human. I know what we’ve all been suggesting is easy to say from behind our keyboards and phones - but it’s true devastated. We All WANT you to get to the other side of this. If that means I come here every day to check on you. So be it. Yes we’ve all been hurt and we’ve all been in your shoes - hell, some are still in those shoes!! It’s not the same - we don’t know "exactly" what you’re feeling from day to day, or what triggers you. But we all have a darn good idea. No one is saying that it’s been easy to get to the other side of this - not saying that at all. I was broken. I mean B R O K E N. I was like you - everything I saw reminded me of him. At that time we had been married 16 yrs. So my life was 100% intertwined with his. We had children together, we had pets, grandchildren! My days and nights in those early days were spent on the floor, sobbing. So much I would throw up. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I lost 20 lbs like *that*. I prayed for sleep to hit me so I could fall asleep and just not think. And when the sun came up it was dreadful - it was yet another day in utter hell. I had no friends nearby - we had moved across the country when my H retired from the military. No one to turn to, no one to vent to. I went to my local church and begged for counseling. Not everyone’s cup of tea and I get that. But for me that’s where I gravitated to for comfort. I found a faith based counselor - husband and wife team - she let me pay her $35 a week for 1 hr of face to face counseling. That was LIFESAVING for me. Find out if counselors in your area offer discounts on counseling or a sliding fee scale based on income. I also joined a group for survivors of childhood sexual trauma (CST) and to this day - the ladies in my group are STILL like family to me. I remember going to those group sessions and totally hijacking the sessions to cry, weep, vent and rage about the loss of my marriage - about how WH had disclosed his A AND asked me for a divorce on the same day. I have mountains of journals and adult coloring books that I still have - as a reminder some times to go back and read how FAR I’ve come. To read how broken and devastated I was - it was the ultimate betrayal - and reading what I wrote in those early days, I look back and wonder - how in the hell did I make it?? I was close to suicide so many times. What stopped me was my kids AND I wasn’t going to abandon my children like that. I suspect you feel the same about your fur-babies. You don’t want to abandon them. They love you unconditionally and they pick up on the fact you’ve been so sad, so depressed lately. They pick up on the changes that have happened in your household recently. You are their human - they need you and they love you. That WH of yours is a selfish horrible man who’s just reward will catch up to him sooner or later. Live today for YOU. He’s not worth your tears dear lady! Don’t waste another moment dwelling on him. The day after my WH moved out - I rearranged the furniture in the LR and bedroom. Later when I found out he had brought his whore AP to our home when I was on vacation with our 11 yr old son - and had sex with her in our LR and in our bed I pushed out ALL that furniture out to the street and put a "FREE" sign on it. And promptly used his CC to purchase brand new furniture. And how DARE he question why I bought new furniture!!! I was learning to disconnect, detach. Everyone has a unique story of what happened during their grief stage - and whether they D or R.
This time of the year is my triggering anniversary of dday and everything that happened in 2012. From today until around Father’s Day will be straight up hell for me. It’s been 11 years and I have been sad, depressed, I have been battling insomnia for days, my stress and anxiety is off the charts. BUT I am gonna get thru it. Today I read some old journal entries. And it’s been reflective - how despondent I was back them. The shame, the embarrassment, the humiliation. My WH’s affair was played out all over social media bc the dummy changed his Facebook profile to read "single" after I kicked him out. So me normally being a very private person had to field so many calls and messages about "what happened???" Anyway I digress - this is not about me - I’m here for you.

Just get thru each day ok? Look for a positive in each day - whatever it is, the nice weather, something funny you read online, pretty flowers, blue sky, your precious dogs. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you ARE worth it. Because you are!! Journal - I’m telling you, it’s cathartic. You can vent and rage and pour out your soul onto those pages. And if you don’t ever want to read them again - burn them. Get to the end of a journal and burn that damn thing - signifying the end of that season in your life. I used to go down by the lake and pick up rocks - and each rock was something I felt, anger, fear, depression, sadness, whatever it was that rock held that particular emotion - and then I’d chuck that rock as far as I could into the lake and watch it sink. And I’d tell myself - no more dwelling on that. Sometimes it would work - sometimes not. There are so many rocks labeled ANGER i threw into that lake I’m surprised that lake isn’t a volcanic lava pit by now lol
You are gonna get through this - you already are. Just by reaching out and sharing with us - that’s a HUGE step!! Keep coming back and talking with us!! Sending you love, light and virtual hugs!!

How are things going today, Devastated? What are you doing to practice self-care today?

I have always prided myself on my independence. I do all the things. I have a good job that I make good money at. I own my car. I have bought and sold two houses that had just my name on them (and in process of buying my third). I have now moved to a completely different state all on my own to start a new adventure. I cook well. I do awesome artsy things. I am funny af, kind, caring, empathetic, smart, loyal, brave, and honest. I have survived 100% of the shit life has thrown my way. I can almost always find a sliver lining and learn from even my worst times. In other words, I'm pretty fuckin badass.

So why am I telling you all of this about me?

I'm telling you this because even though I am 100% a certified badass, dday and my xwh's infidelity emotionally and mentally OBLITERATED me. Even with my resilience and emotional intelligence, I literally had NO IDEA how to process it. None. I considered killing myself. I considered harming myself. I started having panic attacks, including one in which I left work and drove an hour home with no memory of the drive. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep without medication. I couldn't focus on anything. I was an absolute wreck and felt like a shell of an actual person that would never feel completely human ever again.

Please do not beat yourself up for feeling whatever you feel. Infidelity is TRAUMA, huge enormous TRAUMA. It will take you time to get your emotional bearings (even moreso in your case most likely with your medical issues). That doesn't make you weak honey - it makes you human and it makes your response to all of this absolutely normal. Be soft with yourself. Cry if you need to. Keep the hotline number handy and call it any time you feel like you need to. Love on your puppers (I have furbabies too and they kept me going - if that works for you then embrace it!!). And just know that you WILL get through this shit, I promise you. I didn't think I would - I thought my life would be over without him, but it SO isn't and neither is yours. I remember reading those words from other posters when I was first here and thinking all these people were full of it because they didn't understand that my situation was different, but they did get it and they were right when they said I'd be okay. I am (better than OK actually), and you will be too.

I promise promise PROMISE you that you will recover from this. Eventually your mindset will change and you'll look at your ex and wonder wtf you ever saw in him - that's the magic moment and it happens for everyone. Just hang in there and breathe and know that this too shall pass. Post here all day everyday if you need to.

Hugs!!

Thank you for continuing to keep us updated on how you are doing Devastated16.

I second the recommendation for finding a local off-leash dog park to frequent. A good friend of mine has a huge number of dog park friends. It seems like such a great place to meet like-minded people.

Dearest Devastated,
Oh , how I wish to hug you now!!! I just sent you 1000 hugs virtually !!

My Dday was almost 2 years ago and I used to cry before I sleep and when I woke up and in between, everyday for at least 1 year !!!
I still cry nowadays although it is not a daily occurrence anymore . It was so painful that all I wanted was to curl in bed and cry !!! The mind movies was soul crushing as well …

But trust me and trust all betrayed bothers and sisters in this forum , it WILL get better in time !

I am practicing mindfulness now. When trigger hits, I will just look at an object , try to dissect the object and admire it’s beauty , create my own story for the object … or exercise and walk … but this will be later , not now . Go ahead , cry .. . crying will sooth your soul as well . You will feel a bit better after crying .

My prayers for you . Please try to feel stronger everyday. Remember , you are not alone , we are here with you !! Please keep on posting here .
Take care of yourself and yes, call 999 if you need to talk to someone !!
Hugs and love 💕 !!

How are you doing today devastated? Remember - do things for yourself this weekend. Self care because you are worth it! Sending hugs!

Just wanted to send you hugs. It is so painful and lonely, we all have had these same feelings. My pug dog has actually been such a comfort to me. I don’t even travel without her right now. I hope you can get some relief soon, take extra care of yourself.

How are you holding up, Devesatated?

He has recommended counselling. However, I do not have coverage for it and the hours they run mean missing work and work is none to happy with me at the moment for being so teary all the time.

You do have the courage for it: posting on here is a bit like counseling in that you are getting input from uninvolved people - IC is much more in depth. I URGE you to seek out IC. As for the hours - I know online counselors are available and at least where I am, counselors had all kinds of time slots, days, nights, weekends.

Dip your foot into the pool - what have you got to lose?

I also hope that you'll check in soon. I'm not sure where you're calling for help, but in Canada you can call 1-866-585-0445 for mental health counselling 24/7. There is more info on the Government of Canada website.

It does get better, truly. Hobbies, family, friends, all help. If you have faith in GOD, that helps also. Have you thought about some counseling?

Me again.....or what's left of me. After a failed attempt to end the pain and absolute despair I feel, I am back on here to read and re-read the very kind words, wonderful suggestions and to thank everyone for their virtual hugs, comments and genuine concern. I would love to say I am better, but I am far from it. However, I have had some mandatory counselling, have a regular daily phone appointment with the crisis line, weekly doctors appointments and find solace in this forum.

It all came to a head in the space of a few days when my furnace broke, I found out my dog needs $3500 life saving surgery, my brakes failed on my car, my debit card was compromised, the chip on my credit card stopped working and I ran into "him" with another new woman as they were "carrying on". He has a new tattoo, has lost his belly and in all honesty, looked amazing. I could not find a reason to continue to live with my devastation knowing how happy he is. The pain was debilitating and I needed it to end. The look of pleasure and enjoyment on his face, the laughing, the cuddling, the kissing.....I literally threw up. I literally had had enough.

As I was laying on the floor, my dogs found me. At first they were excited to see me then they realized "mom" was not alright. They laid their heads on my chest and just laid with me. I realized no one would know they were alone. No one would come to take care of them. They would be as alone as I was feeling. They would suffer needlessly. I loved them. I owed them better. They deserved better. With that, I called the crisis line.

Reading these posts make me cry. The words resonate. They do make me feel cared about. People here seem to care more then he ever did. it is extremely helpful, it is. Sadly, it doesn't change the absolute agony I am living with. The loneliness screams so loud I can't hear anything else. So many have come through to the other side, but for me, since everything that could go wrong is, I find it hard to believe that I will be so fortunate. As horrible as it is to say, there is a sense of peace in the thought of not having to wake another day to deal with the pain. When you exist to try to not cry, to try an work, to try and turn off your mind, it just seems easier to give up and just be done. Who would miss me? How would anything in this world be worse for me not existing? Well, my dogs. I realize I would be hurting my dogs.

The person who chooses to no longer live doesn't hurt anymore and with no family or friends to care, it seemed logical. The very illogical, seemed logical.

A few of you have expressed how you felt after your DD and it was as if I wrote the words myself. I have copies of many of the posts that I carry. A reminder that others have felt like this and survived. I read and reread them many times a day . I read all the posts many times a day. Now when I am spiraling down, I read these posts and all the posts on this site. People survive. People move on. People learn how to live. I want that to be me as well. BROKEN and OBLITERATED are two words that sum up how I feel very well. DESTROYED, INCAPACITATED WITH PAIN, and UTTERLY ALONE are good choice of words as well. I feel so anxious that every second of every day feels like doomsday, like an apocalypse. I can barely breathe. All things others have shared.

Thank you everyone for caring. I feel like a lost cause to be honest. I feel like a weak, desperate shell of a being but I will continue to read and reread everyone's suggestions and kind words. I am trying very hard to follow the advice everyone has so graciously given, even if it sounds like I am not. I am just not having much success doing so......YET.

I was broken. I mean B R O K E N. I was like you - everything I saw reminded me of him. At that time we had been married 16 yrs. So my life was 100% intertwined with his. We had children together, we had pets, grandchildren! My days and nights in those early days were spent on the floor, sobbing. So much I would throw up. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I lost 20 lbs like *that*. I prayed for sleep to hit me so I could fall asleep and just not think. And when the sun came up it was dreadful - it was yet another day in utter hell. I had no friends nearby -

So why am I telling you all of this about me?

I'm telling you this because even though I am 100% a certified badass, dday and my xwh's infidelity emotionally and mentally OBLITERATED me. Even with my resilience and emotional intelligence, I literally had NO IDEA how to process it. None. I considered killing myself. I considered harming myself. I started having panic attacks, including one in which I left work and drove an hour home with no memory of the drive. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep without medication. I couldn't focus on anything. I was an absolute wreck and felt like a shell of an actual person that would never feel completely human ever again.

A few of you have expressed how you felt after your DD and it was as if I wrote the words myself. I have copies of many of the posts that I carry. A reminder that others have felt like this and survived. I read and reread them many times a day . I read all the posts many times a day. Now when I am spiraling down, I read these posts and all the posts on this site. People survive. People move on. People learn how to live. I want that to be me as well. BROKEN and OBLITERATED are two words that sum up how I feel very well. DESTROYED, INCAPACITATED WITH PAIN, and UTTERLY ALONE are good choice of words as well. I feel so anxious that every second of every day feels like doomsday, like an apocalypse. I can barely breathe. All things others have shared.

Ooooof I remember those days. They were awful, truly horrible and awful and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. I am so sorry you're there right now.

But I promise you - things WILL get better. They will. It will take way longer than you wish it would, but there is so much life and joy and happiness after this for you. All of which you absolutely deserve and that I want you to have - please hang in there because I am telling you it's so worth it. I am glad you're talking to the crisis line and getting help now. Lean on that as much as you need to until you get your bearings.

He has a new tattoo, has lost his belly and in all honesty, looked amazing. I could not find a reason to continue to live with my devastation knowing how happy he is. The pain was debilitating and I needed it to end. The look of pleasure and enjoyment on his face, the laughing, the cuddling, the kissing.....I literally threw up. I literally had had enough.

I'm sorry - that must have been really stabby seeing him. I think a very normal BS fear is that the WS will all of a sudden transform and be the "perfect" partner for their next SO. But I am gonna share with you a nugget of wisdom that a fellow SIer gave to me early on, and that is "CHANGING WHO THEY ARE WITH DOES NOT CHANGE WHO THEY ARE". Your WS is still a self absorbed, shallow, lying asshat who uses other people to fill up the giant yawning hole in him where a compassionate and empathetic soul should be. You answered it for yourself right in that paragraph - he was with "another" new woman (so I guess AP schmoospy was not so great after all, huh? Who could have guessed that a cheaty trash goblin doesn't equal a wonderful partner?!? [she said, sarcastically]). He may look happy, and may even feel periodically so, but he won't ever be peaceful and content and TRULY happy like you can and will be. He will be searching for that happiness and plowing over anyone he can to get it, but he won't ever actually find it. It's sad, really.

Hugs honey - none of the early days of the BS journey are easy and no one does it "right". Do the best that you can and take care of you because YOU are wonderful, and valued, and on your way to much better times!

Hey Dev16— how are you doing today?