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The last couple of days have been roller-coaster wild.

Our plan has always been to relocate to the east coast when H retires. We now live about 15 minutes from our younger daughter, but she and her H are choosing not to have children, and will not be staying in our area more than a few years more before locating 300 miles further north. We want to live near our grandchild (who will likely have a sibling down the road). Both daughters have been aware that this was our ultimate goal.

When we were visiting D, we met with her realtor to feel the market out, wanting to learn more about the local market and how we might find a good fit. But we had no intentions of buying anything within a year or two at the earliest. Our parameters were: within a 15-minute radius of our daughter, and single-level living so we can age in place. We were more than willing to buy a diamond in the rough and put some work into it. In their market, smaller, one-level homes are notoriously being snatched up by builders, putting in 5,000 sq. ft. homes on 1/4 acre lots, so we knew the search would be tough.

Two weeks ago, a 'Coming Soon' sign appeared on the front yard of a house across the street and four houses down, a single-level living. D reached out to us immediately, got us the realtor's name, put our realtor in touch with the listing realtor, and unbelievably, we got an offer accepted yesterday! We totally expected this process to be long and competitive; to be fair, there were four other offers, two from builders, but we won (both H and I, and our D and SIL submitted love letters to the owner). So we bought a house with only two FaceTime tours, one with an inspector! I know, call us crazy.

We will get the house rental ready and rent it out until we are ready to move - the rental market is very strong in their area, too.

Over the weekend, our grandson got a nasty case of RSV, is very sick, and we realized even more, how much we want to be nearby. It's been really hard watching my D on FaceTime crying out of fear and exhaustion. Hopefully he will make a turn today, but since this weekend, they've had a doctor's appt., and been to the ER.

So because of what H and I have been through, which will not be discussed on this thread, we have become much better at setting boundaries, and have discussed that we will need to have ongoing communication with D and SIL regarding boundaries, going both ways. But neither H or I, or D and SIL have ever lived near grandparents - they were always a three-hour drive away, or a plane flight away, so this whole idea of our living a 90-second walk away is a bit intimidating. We've made it clear we will not be their daycare, and they weren't expecting that. But we are sort of at a loss as to what kinds of boundaries we should be discussing.

FWIW...while we look forward to being part of their raising their kids, we also know that, down the line, when we are older and need more help, they will be nearby, although we won't expect them to become our caregivers.

So what kinds of things should we be discussing between H and I, that we can come to agreement on before we even move out there.

Congratulations on the purchase of your new home. That's very exciting.

I don't have any grandchildren yet but I live 15 minutes from my DD.

We don't stop by without calling first. That's the only boundary I can think of. DD is very independent and busy so we only see her about once a month.

Things do get more complicated when you add in grandkids. My sister is in her sixties, still works full time and babysits before she goes into work and on the weekends.

Have you had good boundaries with DD in the past? It sounds like it could work out nicely for everyone.

I think it will be fine.

Call before going over no matter what. Always ask if it is a good time.

If you are running to the store, ask if they need anything. Always helpful especially with young kids in the house.

Have your own separate life and friends from your D and SIL.

For the last 15 years of my in-laws lives, we lived within walking distance. I could look out my kitchen window & see their house. My SIL was just a short ways away - also viewable out of my kitchen window. I thought it would be awful & everybody would be in everybody's business. It was better than I thought.

We didn't live in each other's places, but it was nice to walk down to see them when the need came up. My MIL got my youngest son off to school most days & grandpa took them to HS. My kids loved it & some of the times with their grandparents were the best times. There were even Thursday "Survivor" nights, where my kids and SIL's kids were at grandma's to have pizza or cheeseburgers (or both) and watched Survivor together. My MIL loved it! My kids loved their time at grandma & grandpa's place.

Holidays are easier because you can share the work & meet at one house for the celebration.

You may want to set boundaries about how often the kids will be over, any special rules they may have, that you don't expect to be watching them all day, every weekend, but don't mind watching them (however often you're comfortable with).

I'm right across the street from my oldest and grandsons. It's nice when something comes up because you're right there. My DIL's grandma passed away on Monday, and it was nice to be so close by to offer a hug. We usually don't call before going over, unless there's something that's specifically needed, like watching the boys while they need to do funeral arrangements or to watch the boys while they have date night. I enjoy being close by & a part of their lives.

I still live where my three children were raised. At different times, they all relocated to the same area about 8 hours from here. I still own the family home and have a job I enjoy but I will probably never be able to retire. I will be relocating eventually to their area, probably about an hour away from them to give them all space but be available to babysit or visit with just a day trip.

Right now I am going through everything a family of five accumulates in 30 years. Ex took nothing. It is overwhelming to say the least. Some days I get a drawer done, other days a bigger project like a closet. Donating most.

Congratulations on your perfect but unexpected find so close to family.

It can be a blessing and a curse. My parents gave my sister and I each 2 acres to build on. We also had my grandma next door to me. My sister on the other side and my folks just a short walk through the woods.

Bad thing is my dad has zero boundaries and even still will walk into my house without knocking and start talking in his very loud voice. He is clueless that I work from home on the phone with patients. The dogs bark its a whole thing. I have asked repeatedly to please text before he comes over. Nope no boundaries. He's a selfish ass.

Great things include my kids and my sisters kids growing up basically like siblings. We were always able to help each other out and have family game nights on a whim.
My youngest and my sisters oldest are very close and both live in a town 6 hours away from us so they help each other. My dtr watches her baby for her when she needs to have a mommy time out.

Make a rule that you won't just walk in. Knock or text that you're on your way. I can't tell you how many times my dad has walked in and one of us is naked or we having sexy fun time. But like I said. ...clueless.

Its great to be able to get a cup of milk or sugar without having to run to the store. We live in the country so going to the store isn't a quick thing.

Overall though I wouldn't trade it for all the money in the world. It was a great way for the kids to grow up.

@zebra25 - I think our boundaries have been good. I do know now that I have to let go of some stuff that, as a grandparent, is not my business, but I might have chosen differently. They actually have been very open with us about certain issues. In fact, we have apps on our phone that they told us we could install so that we can open at any time and see the baby through the baby monitor (when he's in his crib or Snoo). They sort of smile when we tell them that we've taken peeks. He's been so sick the last few days and sleeping very little, so right now I have the app open and am listening to him (well, the sound machine) sleep, and it relieves me to see that he's sleeping soundly. But this was something they offered us, we did not ask for access to their baby monitor. I do have to remind myself often that, they are new parents, and will struggle and it's not my job to fix everything.

@The1stWife - yes, we plan on having separate lives and activities. Unlike when we moved to CA, where we knew no one other than our youngest D, we do know people in their area. I will hook up with a Pilates studio quickly and find a church. COVID has taught me not to wait around to do that stuff, because we waited when we moved here, and then I got stuck in isolation without knowing anyone. One of H's best friends from elementary school and high school will live about 15 minutes from us.

I'm hearing everyone loud and clear about always announcing when we're going over there, and Tushnurse, will ask the same in return. I really don't see any reason that either one of us would abuse that.

Also, great idea about always asking them if they need anything from the grocery store when we go. During the height of COVID isolation, we would do this with our next-door neighbors so we could each minimize the other's exposure while marketing.

Part of me wonders how the in-laws reacted to hearing about our being so close. They live 500+ miles away. I can't see them relocating to be near the grandchild.

I hope your grandson is on the mend soon.

The camera and app sound really cool. That's so nice of you DD to give you access to your grandson remotely. It sounds like you have been very thoughtful and respectful not to abuse it.

You are putting thought and effort into making your new living arrangement work. I'm sure it will be fine and a great experience for everyone.

Agree with everything said so far.

We live on family land… JM’s parents owned about 40 acres and gave him and his sister each a plot of land. We’ve been here for 25 years. My mom and dad (now just Mama) moved into a mobile home on our property 5 years ago. Mama has always had NO boundaries. She will just walk in and it drives me crazy. But she’s not gonna change now.

My in laws were great. We used to do Sunday dinners there when all the kids were growing up. My boys and JM’s sister’s girls are definitely more like siblings than cousins.

I’m excited for you. 😊

I have lived in very close proximity to family. I plan to be able to do that again.

I like the principles of consent and simple civility..so...

Asking "is it ok if we (come over now, borrow x, take the grandchild to the , or whatever) or not walking in to someone's house and taking the last (ice cream bar, donut etc.). That said, I stock my house for friends and family to take, use, or have things they want and need and live close to the grocery store so don't mind at all what people eat or take as long as it's replaced or put on the list and (before that which we don't talk about here) there was sufficient money so I did not need help with the cost....)

Then there is the principal of following the stated or implied rules. Food in one family member's house was a free for all. If it was there find it and eat it if you want. In another family member's house it was wait to be asked. One family member was stay over any time you wanted. Another was ask.

I hope your grandbaby is well soon and you are able to enjoy the move and the new opportunities!

It sounds like you're on the right track.

Both my W & I wanted to live away from our parents, and my father sent out vibes about wanting to see the wider world. That was great until my dad got cancer and my mom reached her 90s. We just returned from a trip home to see family, but our ties to home are very tenuous now, and I'm very sad about that. In retrospect, I wish I had found ways to be closer to 'home'.

Apparently neither of us thought we could maintain boundaries with our parents; that was our loss. But some of our best times were far from home, and I can't imagine how we could be both close and far away.

My point is that your kids will almost definitely appreciate being close to you when you get older. Meanwhile, strong boundaries now, like calling to arrange a visit instead of barging in, will strengthen the bonds between you.

That's with your kids. Grandchild(ren)? My guess is that if we lived within walking distance, ours could knock on our door at any time of day or night and be welcome.

My inlaws are about 10 minutes away from us.

They have fantastic boundaries. There's no worries of them showing up unannounced.

They do not think they are entitled/owed a relationship with our kids.

And, yes, they ask. 99.999% of the time we always say yes...whether it's soda (with caffeine) or an extra toy out of the blue or whatever.

And, they do what we ask. For example, we asked that they give money to the kid's college fund instead of buying a bunch of toys for Christmas. Or if we said "Please do not buy shirts that expose midriffs" they would not buy those types of shirts.

They also continue to have a full life that doesn't involve us. For the first like 5-6 years they lived near us, they traveled/vacationed about 6 months out of the year. It wasn't until they gave up international travel that they were around a lot.

They also do not give advice unless asked. I can tell them about a problem at work, something going poorly with the kids, etc and they just listen. They do not tell me how I'm supposed to fix it or tell me how I'm wrong and how it should be done.

Oh, here's another thing they don't do. They don't keep score with regards to any other grandparents/loved ones in our kids' lives.

They aren't without their issues. My husband is a recovering addict. They had bit of a role in that.

But, it's miles better than my relationship with my parents. My mom is mentally unwell and untreated by choice. A lifetime of clinical depression likely comorbid with borderline personality disorder. My dad enabled her until the day he died. It was really quite something.

My mom stopped talking to me when she found out that my inlaws were moving close. It lasted for about 8ish years. We moved to low contact, because my dad had cancer and my mom decided she need me for support. I don't know the narrative she made up in her head, but it was probably something like we begged my inlaws to come move near us, all while we were limiting her access to our kids. Thus, we had a strong preference for my inlaws and were pushing her away because I am a cold-hearted, unfeeling child.

My mom actually told me after dad died that I cold and unfeeling because I no longer was enmeshed with her and stopped acting like a codependent around her. After I dropped everything to support her after dad died..I ended up with a cancer diagnosis 2 months later. Obviously, I had to be treated. I started with chemo. While I was on chemo, and we were chatting, she told me I was one of the worst things that ever happened to her. Having a daughter like me ranked right up there with dad dying, in terms of bad/traumatic things happening to my mom. My mom still thinks she should have had unfettered access to my kids, and is quite pissed that she doesn't.

When I moved out of my parents home my mom told me good-bye and demanded I return my key to the front door.
At first I was a bit hurt. When I moved to another city I would occasionally come back home and stay in their house – the house I was born and raised in. Sometimes mom and dad wouldn’t be home so she would arrange for a neighbor to have a key for me, but I always had to return it.
First time mom and dad visited me in my first home they rang the doorbell and waited for me to open.

Now – years later and some years since their passing – I understand the message, and it’s one I would pass to you:

Remember YOUR house is YOUR house and THEIR house is THEIR house.
Knock before entering – even if you knock, wait, open the door and say hello! when walking in. Allow them to not answer, or give them half a minute to hide the all-couples-argue-at-some-point faces or whatever. Respect THEIR lives and make the same expectations back.

Understand that this is HER family now. If they want to paint the house green you can make alternative suggestions, but its THEIR decision. THEY as a family get to do what they want. Think back 30 years… would you have wanted your father-in-law to control the family you and your husband were creating?

Good fences make good neighbors. Even if they are related.

Bigger, that seems a little odd or hurtful that your parents trusted a neighbor with a house key but not you. I get that you had moved out but couldn't they just explain their boundary they you call before coming home and trust you wouldn't abuse having the key?

We know the code to get into DD's house but have never gone over unless invited or asking. She has dogs so there have been times we needed to let the dogs out when she was running late.

She also has a set of keys and the code to get into our house but has never abused it. We also have dogs and feel it's important for her to be able to have access if we need her. I can't imagine trusting a neighbor (even though they are friends) but not her.

You don't come off as someone who would disrespect a boundary like that.

Maybe because I was raised with borders and respect for borders.
The neighbor? Same couple been living there for nearly 50 years. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had the same spare key for all those years – when clearing my parents’ house after moms passing we found a key-ring marked with the number of the adjacent house so I guess they kept spares for each other. I guess the mid 1960’s when they moved in were different from now.
I never took it as an insult, not any more than they took it as an insult thinking they had to ring my bell. We had great borders, and therefore we had a great relationship.

Of course I could choose to see it as an insult, but my experience is that real insults will find you eventually, and there is no profit in trying to find them early.

I guess the key, no pun intended, is to do what works for your family.

She has dogs so there have been times we needed to let the dogs out when she was running late.

Same with our daughter where we currently live. We have a key to her house, and have had to use it to go let dogs out; and she has the code to our house if, God forbid, something happens to us and she needs to get in. I will say, we always knock/ring when we go to her house (minus the times we're there to tend to dogs), but when she comes over, she just uses the code to get in. That being said, when she uses it, we're always expecting them, meaning she never shows up without letting us know she's on her way. But I feel comfortable knowing she could get in if there were ever an emergency.

D, who lives where we would be moving to, also has a dog, so it wouldn't surprise me if we exchanged requests to let each other's dogs out. It will be much easier to do when we're only four houses away, vs. now, where local D is a 15-minute drive away.

A couple of weeks ago, our local son-in-law got empaneled on a federal jury and served for two weeks. He typically is the one who lets the dogs out during the day, but being downtown prevented him from doing that. We gladly helped out each day, trying to do whatever we could to minimize their stress. But I was glad when he was done. I do miss seeing the dogs every day, though.

As an update to our move, H had a talk yesterday with his CEO, letting him know about our situation. CEO was initially afraid H was telling him he was quitting to move, and before H even asked, pleaded with H to work remotely. That was a conversation H was going to have a year or two down the line when we were ready to move, but now that H has the green light to continue working for the same company, he's now inclined to move sooner rather than later. I'm having mixed feelings - moving closer to grandson, means I will be far away from our local D, who does not have the resources to travel our way as much as her sister did.

We will go out for the closing (don't have to, though) to get our first walk through. Will meet with a builder to see what the costs would be to bring it up to rental standards; if it's more than we want to spend or would get back in rent, then it might not make sense to do partial updating, then engage in a more extensive remodel a couple of years down the road.

So it's a very fluid situation right now.

I really appreciate all the stories you all have shared. It's affirmed how I see this arrangement playing out, yet has brought up possible complications that could arise if we don't honor each other's boundaries. Glad so many of you have benefitted from your arrangements.

It must be exciting to look forward to being so close to DD and grandson but at the same time hard to leave your other DD.

Good luck with everything and keep us updated!!

Reading your house-buying update brings to mind some wisdom I wish I'd listened to: situational fluidity due to job duties, relocation and, in general, the pressure to settle down to a new routine, very often push people into moving into their new house before the renovations they want to get done are completed. Why this is bad, I could write a book, LOL.

I know it's likely a bit of a fixer-upper purchase, but for the sake of your future peace of mind, dig your heels in about moving in and "finishing a little painting or flooring" because, trust me, once your belongings are in the rooms, it's an uphill struggle to complete the work! Speaking from personal experience, people often end up living for years before they "get around to it." Also, a kind of acceptance of those unfinished tasks creeps into daily life when folks are so busy with full lives. As new grandparents, I'm betting you will find that to be the case once you relocate.

So, as a construction professional (retired) who made this mistake myself, even after watching my employer make the same mistake with a 10 million dollar office complex I built for them (took occupancy before the contractor finished an extensive list of interior touch ups, then it all got written off because we were using the building), I'd make sure the INTERIOR is 100% DONE to your liking before you move any piece of your furniture in. Outside work - even a new roof - are okay to do after you take occupancy because they would minimally affect your daily life.

Otherwise, have fun with it!

My son and DIL and GD live 2 miles from us. This son was very vocal about NEVER living in his hometown. Love of his wife changed his mind, lol.
He once said he had anticipated that it would be awful living this close to us. That was probably before he needed car help or house repair help and now spur of the moment childcare. Oddly, I NEVER drop in without calling, but he appears here frequently. I don't care.
The other day I needed him to tighten up the car seat in my car, asked if 8 could stop be. He grumbled but said okay. I fed eggies to GD while he fixed it, he came in and said, "okay, by Mom!" I asked him why he was trying to get rid of me. He said it was the only day he had his daughter all to himself with no obligations or work. Enough said. I left.