SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

CrazyTrain, please check in. We don't want to use you as an example of what not do.

Is there any way a Mod can check on her?

Hi everyone, huge apologies I'm so sorry for not getting on here to check in.

Not sure where to begin,the past few weeks have been tough but I'm okay lots of attorney dealings.

I'll make a short list of the happenings:

Got a key to my house which I never had in 15 years ;) took lots of attorneys help.
STBX has been leaving every weekend and staying gone--basically ditching his kids--that turned into every week night.
Police called several times for a variety of things, STBX took out 90% of the light bulbs.
Screwed the electrical box shut.
STBX barricaded the detached garage--cops called since I was trying to get in it..on my property.
STBX wouldn't allow me access to the thermostats in the house, freezing weather so I had to replace the smart thermostats.
Basically attorneys and cops on speed dial.

STBX got an apartment, came when I was out of town with my daughter, took a bunch of stuff and cleaned my son's room out and had him call me and say he was living with STBX. STBX does nothing for the kid and has ditching him and been none involved for a month!

So that's where I'm at, I have the house alone but can't change the locks.

STBX won't email me and parenting time plans or any communication for the kids, my daughter is here.

STBX had been telling the kids he is moving out of state and has been still knee deep with the OW even with the post-nuptial clearly in play.

I need advise on what to do about my son, he's clearly been manipulated and is acting like he hates me I have been a rock for him as his Dad has literally for over a month ignored him and devastated him. I'm blown away but not shocked STBX is a narc and horrible parent.

I'll call my attorney Monday, can he even just take my son like that? He needs to agree to a parenting plan until the divorce is over for sure.

I have pretty much decided to give him 50/50 custody, I'm not going to fight him if my kids are 14 & 15, they can decipher STBX by now and it will force him to be a parent. Seems pretty pointless in my county 50/50 joint is the standard.

Any insight on parenting plans prior to a divorce?

AGAIN I am so sorry for being absent and causing worry, its been a really rough few weeks.

Leaping lizards, CT! What a nightmare. I'm glad you're STBXWH is out of the house but it's scary to know that he could wall in whenever.

My kids are adults, so I don't know the details on parenting plans. I'm pretty sure he can't take them out of state without permission. It's kidnapping, if I'm remembering newspaper articles correctly.

With the now documented stunts your STBXWH has pulled, do you think he'd get 50/50? He is so malignant. STBXWH probably is manipulating your son merely to harm you.

Good to hear from you. I was worried I'd unknowingly find out what happened to you in a future episode of Buried in the Backyard.

Different states have different guidelines regarding custody.

50/50 is always the ideal unless it’s not the best fit for the situation.

Can he just take your child? No. But you know the days you have your din there will be hell to pay for you b/c of the STBXH’s manipulative shenanigans.

Your attorney will give you the best advice. But based on his recent behavior, you may look to the courts to be the more stable parent.

Got a key to my house which I never had in 15 years ;) took lots of attorneys help.
STBX has been leaving every weekend and staying gone--basically ditching his kids--that turned into every week night.
Police called several times for a variety of things, STBX took out 90% of the light bulbs.
Screwed the electrical box shut.
STBX barricaded the detached garage--cops called since I was trying to get in it..on my property.
STBX wouldn't allow me access to the thermostats in the house, freezing weather so I had to replace the smart thermostats.
Basically attorneys and cops on speed dial.

I really think that you should go to the judge and ask that STBX be kicked out of the marital home and ask for a temporary parenting schedule. This crap is absolutely insane and judges do not normally tolerate this type of shenanigans. I know that you want to take the "high road" but there is a difference between "taking the high road" and "letting him ruin your life."

STBX had been telling the kids he is moving out of state and has been still knee deep with the OW even with the post-nuptial clearly in play.

I need advise on what to do about my son, he's clearly been manipulated and is acting like he hates me shocked I have been a rock for him as his Dad has literally for over a month ignored him and devastated him. I'm blown away but not shocked STBX is a narc and horrible parent

I strongly urge you to stop thinking about all of his awful behavior during your marriage (i.e., your reference to the post-nuptial). He's a bad dude and that's why you are divorcing him. You are doing the right thing. You don't have anything to second-guess here as far as your decision to get divorced. The reason why I am recommending that you change your mindset is that I am assuming that you live in a no-fault state where what happened during the marriage has no affect on your divorce. However, if you suggest that you want to punish him for what happened during the marriage, then that would not look good in front of a judge.

STBX had been telling the kids he is moving out of state and has been still knee deep with the OW even with the post-nuptial clearly in play.

I'll call my attorney Monday, can he even just take my son like that? He needs to agree to a parenting plan until the divorce is over for sure.

I have pretty much decided to give him 50/50 custody, I'm not going to fight him if my kids are 14 & 15, they can decipher STBX by now and it will force him to be a parent. Seems pretty pointless in my county 50/50 joint is the standard.

I agree with letting your kids decide what they want for a custody plan. They're old enough that the court will listen to their opinion and that 50-50 seems to be standard. Trust me, a custody battle will hurt your children... so there is a HUGE non-monetary cost to a custody battle. That said, I would recommend that you change your language... do not "give him 50/50" but rather "I'll do what the children think is best."

Along those lines, moving out of state will be a huge sticking point with the court. Courts are usually reluctant to uproot a child from their entire lives because one parent wants to move elsewhere. I had a friend who was awarded 30% custody until his ex moved out of state (1000+ miles away), at which point the judge basically reversed that decision because it's not a good idea to move a child away from their entire life (friends, schools, etc).

So... my advice for your son. You should get something of a temporary parenting plan so that there is pressure on STBX to make sure that your son comes to your home for your parenting time.

You should talk to your lawyer for sure, but all of this screams to me that you need to go to the judge and kick STBX out of your house and establish a temporary parenting schedule. I vaguely recall that your lawyer was reluctant to do this because it would be interpreted as a heavy-handed negotiating tactic. But, by asking for only 50% custody (or whatever the kids want), you are basically showing that this would not be a negotiating tactic but something legitimate to protect yourself from getting locked out of your own home.

Thank God you're ok.

He can't just keep your son from you.

Have your attorney file immediately, for exclusive use of the home. All of the police reports should help you there.

Your son doesn't hate you. His father is doing what is legally called alienation of affection. The judges don't like that either.

I have absolutely nothing to offer about your situation. But I wanted to share this. Before I found SI I was on another forum. Someone used the term STBX and another member was like, “What does STBX mean? Shitbox?”

Ever since then when I see “STBX” I read it as Shitbox and your Shitbox deserves that title as much as anyone I’ve ever heard of.

Your son is literally your STBX’s hostage. That’s the approach you need to take going forward and you need to make that clear to your attorney going forward.

Please make a point to check in with us regularly, say the 5th of every month at least. We’re really worried about you.

Thank you ALL! I need advice so much right now.

STBX is out of the house but has keys as it's legally still his house.

STBX took my son, took all of his stuff while I was out of town at a cheer competition. Not a word on if he was taking him.

My son "claims" he wants to go with STBX, STBX has been setting the stage of manipulation by ditching my kids every weekend and week night, not showing any interest in either of them. My son has been 200% heartbroken, I told him I would love him unconditionally forever and my son knows his fathers love is absolutely conditional on his ability to choose my STBX.

So of course he chose his father, I do know he is being by my narc STBX manipulated to the hilt.My son is almost 14 and I know if I demand him to come back he would do so very combative so I HAVE to let him have enough time to clear his mind. I have loved my son incredibly and only hope he can realize it.

My attorney filed for exclusive possession of the house an I am changing locks tomorrow. My attorney has filed a parenting plan and pre-divorce custody plan with a court date of the first of December with a week one an off 50/50 plan.

My daughter will start her week November 26th and back December 3rd with my son returning then as well. I am hoping by then he will be ready and my STBX will be encouraging him to go since this is cutting into his social life with the ladies.

I also found a recording device in the house which I got rid of--so I am hoping for some peace and privacy moving forward in this mess.

I’m glad that your attorney is filing for exclusive use of the house and that you’re changing the locks.

Please do a full sweep of your house and look for any recording devices that might still be there. Leave no stoned unturned. Go through your drawers, under your bed, behind the book shelf.

Avoid having any conversations with your attorney or talking about the specifics of your divorce strategy while you’re in home in the meantime, just in case.

You should also check your car for any recording devices and check the tires, underneath the car, every day to make sure it hasn’t been tampered with.

If you don’t have an alarm system installed yet and cameras around your house, please get them.

Hi all, checking in. It's been a crazy shit fest...I thought things would settle down but instead due to SGTBX it's ramping up.

So STBX took my youngest son (13) when he moved into his apartment on 11/12. I was out of town with our other daughter at a sports event. He claims in legal responses I was "out partying it up"..not true, and have the documentation to prove otherwise.

So he has had my son for 3 plus weeks, he will not communicate at all about visitation or seeing my son.Not one text or email after countless ones I have sent. Our attorneys agreed verbally that we would do 50/50. I had sent my daughter for her week while waiting for a response on our son. Our court date for the temp parenting plan that had to be rescheduled due to the judge having to recuse herself (she's my previous attorney).

My visitation was due to start this last Sunday with my son, he has been with STBX for 3 weeks. My daughter came back early since STBX said "he was going out of town". When my daughter came back she said STBX sits locked in his room talking to his new girlfriend every night with the exception of coming out for dinner.

It is also is discovered that son has been directed to turn off his location services and STBX is taking him to the girlfriends home out of state without my knowledge EVEN WITH THE POST-NUPTIAL with infidelity clause drawn up in 2015

I told my son I had his location last Friday and was coming to get him at him at this girl-friends home. I also told him I KNOW that STBX is tracking my car so I would be in a rental. (I know STBX is tracking it because of some telling remarks he has told my daughter) I am having my car sweeped for the GPS this week.

I did not have his location but hoped STBX was worried enough to leave and come home, not sure but pretty confident that did happen.

SO, son did not come Sunday as expected, by Monday my attorney reached out to his and basically told STBX to get my son to my house. Son came and refused to come inside, had no school bag and was wearing multiple layers of clothing. (he was either instructed to do so or they had planned the next events).

SO son eventually came in, was rude, mouthy, swearing, throwing things in the house and basically causing chaos. My attorney told me to call the police, apprehensively I did. As they showed up so did STBX and said he wanted to take mhy son, I said no, but without the signed parenting plan I had no choice to let him go, son was saying he's afraid, I'm abusive etc. Not true in the least, I've been the primary caregiver his whole life, I also raised 4 great adult children. I spoke privately with STBX how this is what we agreed, he's 13 and doesn't get to make choices etc.

Then, around 3 hours later after midnight after the altercation, the police were at my door but this time it was to serve me with a temporary restraining order on behalf of my son my STBX had taken out. Saying a bunch of abusive lies. Of course it doesn't mention my year older daughter at all. So apparently he wasn't concerned about her

So I can't contact my son and STBX has 10 more days to brainwash him against me. My attorney told his attorney and STBX's attorney was shocked, he had told STBX to get my son to the house and my son doesn't get a say in the matter.

So both attorneys are working to get STBX to drop the temporary restraining order. Literally crazy. My attorneys have now said STBX has lost his dam mind.

So I have sent all the texts of my son saying he loves and misses me from the last few weeks, son's failing grades, emails from teacher's about his bad bahavior at school, etc.also how is is letting both kids run loose when he's locked in his room on the phone with the girlfriend.

I'm sure my son doesn't want to come back, I demand homework done, church and no running the streets.STBX does none of that.

So I have also learned that STBX's GF is out of state and he wants to move, he does not want my daughter since he can't control her like my son, so his plan is to get son to go with him and move to which I will NEVER let happen.

STBX looked shocked when I said this divorce could take 2 plus years, I think his bubble burst as he knew GF isn't waiting around that long, as a narc he can't keep up the rosey facade, or he'll get her pregnant.

I think STBX has made son an accomplice to his cheating and is desperate to keep him in control with the 75/25 post-nuptial. I already have a boat load of evidence for that for sure.

Also the new temp parenting plan INCLUDES: kids can't turn off their location services, no taking kids to romantic interests homes and kids start seeing a therapist that will testify in court.

So please excuse my mis-spellings as I'm mentally exhausted with the situation and my son is hurting. I have such incredible fury against STBX!

Good lord, CT, what a nightmare! I was really hoping that your son wouldn’t be able to weaponized against you but I guess that wasn’t possible once your ex managed to get his claws into him for as long as he has. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

What has your attorney said about getting psych evaluations conducted? Also, is your daughter willing to testify against your ex? It’s unfortunate that she’s been put in this position but she’s probably the best ally you have at this point.

Going forward, make sure that you have a VAR on you at all times when you’re speaking with your son and your ex.

Also, have you been able to thoroughly search your home for recording devices? I know that you did so with your car but it’s possible he planted some in the house the last time he was there. Do you have exclusive use of the home now?

Another thing you might want to consider, if your attorney thinks it would be helpful, is to hire a PI to track what your ex and your son are doing. If your son is roaming the streets at all hours of the night, it might help to have proof of it. Just a thought.

Bluerthanblue,
It is a nightmare!
He has indeed brainwashed my son and is using him as manipulation I believe, likely hoping I'll go easy on him with the finances.

My attorney is super angry with STBX and is fired up, I'll mention the psych eval although he's a sociopath and will fly through it likely with his narc charm. Getting my son in ASAP with a therapist is so important before he's too far in it.

Yes--I don't speak with the STBX and have only seen my son once that resulted in the mess that just happened.I'll be recording!

I have the house, changed the locks, garage codes and new remotes, he's not welcome for sure.

STBX failed to check the box on the temporary restraining order that said "do you have any cases pending in court" the first box was DIVORCE so hopefully it will get thrown out.

Once the temp parenting plan gets signed neither of my kids can turn off their location services on their phones SO I'll be checking up on that-even if it includes having the police go to their apartment. Hopefully SBTX limits his ongoing cheating when he doesn't have the kids. I have enough on him already.

I searched the house and found one device and took it out,hopefully that's it!

STBX looked shocked when I told him the divorce will take two years minimum He cant keep his OW on the line that long SO I am 20000% hoping he wants to play lets make a deal ASAP. At this rate I'm in it for the long run and will only take the 75/25 or something close. I have no OP on my side to worry about losing--he clearly does and I am praying it motivates him. He also said to the police it's 50/50 now BUT the kids can choose as the divorce starts wrapping up---to which I told him it's still going to be 50/50. Our kids will likely be 17 and 16 so it's whatever to me at that point.

He is trying to split them up--wants only my son (the one he can control) and take him out of state....my attorney said will not happen.

I really hope this OW starts putting pressure on STBX to settle---there's no way she knows about the post-nuptial and he's a prolific serial cheater---SO she's going to start wondering what the hell is taking this divorce SO long

I'm in this for the long haul despite the craziness.

I remember when this started I suggested you not enforce your prenup if it meant you could settle this with relative civility. But now that’s out the window, I say go for every bit that you’re going entitled to.

I don’t think a court order that he’s not allowed to take DS out of state will matter at all to him, but at least if you get a custody order in place and your ex absconds with DS, you might be able have him arrested for kidnapping (or at the very least a civil charge related to custodial interference).

Another thing that could work to your benefit is that if he isn’t taking his attorney’s advice or pulling these crazy shenanigans that astound or piss off his own lawyer, he could find himself in legal hot water and/or without an attorney entirely.

Just trying to find the silver lining wherever possible…

Depending upon the state your STBXH moves to — they may or may not recognize your state’s custody agreement etc. so you may have to speak with your attorney about that.

If he’s truly a narc, he only cares about winning. Sadly custody orders will not stop him.

I am so sorry for your son and for you. I hope your son survives this and with therapy the damage can be addressed.

Keep fighting the good fight. I’m sorry it has come to this.

Bluerthanblue, I fully remember us talking about how throwing out the post-nuptial would be ideal if things could get done quicker with D and I could minimize the damage to my kids, in light of all of the happenings I am 100% going after every single last thing in the post-nuptial. I have no OP waiting in my wings, I have my home, plenty of finances and I am in no hurry to end this mess. I am deeply hoping STBXH has every desire to end things with a settlement since he has the OW now waiting on him. STBX is gambling with the post-nuptial by dragging this out, with the OW is just another liability to get him caught in some even more cheating. She won't want to listen to years of divorce drama since I'm 100% positive that STBXH is dumping his D frustrations out of her daily with the 6 hours of nightly phone calls.

I was hoping that with the week on week off STBXH would be thrilled to give me my DS, he could go for plenty of days and NOT bring my son?!?! No one can understand WHY he's doing this. My DS was supposed to be with me on Thanksgiving and STBXH took him to this GF's house! It's my feeling that DS has too much on STBXH about his cheating and could give me more infidelity evidence if allowed to spend time with me. OR keeping my DS will help him keep more of the finances despite the post-nuptial.

STBXH answered NO to taking cash and the adultery. I have all the proof on both so now he's caught in a huge LIE!

A great thing is his attorney works closely & often with my attorneys office and will advise STBXH to be civil, his attorney has no issues telling STBXH to not do stupid things where most attorneys fully advocate what their clients needs are. His attorney does not like his bullshit I've heard and is already tired of his antics and multiple daily phone calls.

I am praying once STBXH's attorney receives the binder of cheating proof he encourages a settlement.I can't imagine STBXH wants this to go to the judge. Our judge is the most conservative judge in our county, deep in her faith and a woman.

Bluerthanblue, forgot to add since DS will not be able to turn off his location services we are thinking that he will have DS leave his phone at home and give him another phone when he takes him to GF's. SO I will have to be spot checking on the weekends when his location doesn't move with the police to CONFIRM he indeed not take him.

I am of course hoping STBXH will not take my son and limit his activities to when I have my DS.

He is playing a reckless game for sure. He told my DD "I'm going to be divorced so I can do what I want now" uh no like my attorney said to me "your married until your not" not even including the post-nuptial with infidelity clause. I'm sure in regular divorces you can date and do whatever (although still risky) but in this case even more reason to playit cautious.

1stwife, thank you it's a sad situation, DD is doing 100 times better. I have encouraged her to do her visitation with STBXH, I have emails to STBXH about doing our best for the kids and coordinating visitation. I HAVE NOT RECEIVED ONE EMAIL back from STBXH or even a call or text.

I got one text from STBXH the night he dropped off DS for the night of all the drama saying "DS was dropped off to me"

I am hoping the judge will see my DS's antics and STBXH's unwillingness to co-parent and the parenatal alienation and see past the lies.

My attorney has already said he taking my son nowhere, STBXH has had his business in our county for 20 plus years and has zero reason to move anywhere except to the GF's area likely because she cannot move.

My attorney said STBXH is trying to get my DS in the hopes he can move where his GF lives but it's not happening so he is trumping up abuse claims to do so. What about STBXH's daughter he left in my care? If I"'m abusive he should've filed a temporary restraining order for her too right?

He also lied on the temporary restraining order by saying NO to having a pending case which I am positive would have given the issuer of the order a reason to pause before giving it to him.

What are your daughter's visits, with him,like?

Does she feel emotionally, and physically safe around him?

I think you are putting a lot of stock in him sticking to a parenting plan. He didn't stick to the marriage vows. He doesn't care about the post nup. And he is already using your son as a weapon. He' not adhering to the agreeement of 50/50 now. He's not going to stick to a parenting plan.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:28 PM, Thursday, December 8th]

Hellfire,

My DD has been to one 5 day visitation so far, shorted by 2 days since STBXH was taking DS to GF's (now later discovered) she said it was okay, STBXH stays locked in his room talking to GF. He comes out for dinner (with headset in to keep talking)

I'm 100% positive when DS is there STBXH is talking out in the open to the GF. He is not hiding his ongoing adultery in front of my son, has not made him an accomplice to it all hence the reason why he needs DS in his grasp fully because of the post-nuptial. My DD does not fall into the manipulation of STBXH so STBXH does not need to keep her in control as she has only limited knowledge of STBXH's cheating (heard him talking, saw his burner phone etc.)

DS has WAY more knowledge of STBXH's cheating and is the keeper of MANY secrets.

DD says he doesn't interact with them at all, she is physically safe, emotionally ignored but in general okay.

I firmly believe STBXH doesn't plan to abide by any order, he has said that he thought that "the kids could come an d go as they like and the visitation was just a general thing" I said NO its one week at my house, one week at yours Sunday to Sunday and the kids do not get a choice and they need order and structure.

I would hope with all STBXH is up against he would "think" that complying to make himself look more favorably in the judges eyes...nope. He has lied about the cheating and cash which I have solid proof of both already supplied to my attorney. I really wished he would have admitted taking the cash & cheating 200% because then likely a judge would have been more apt to either throw out the post-nuptial and decide on something more equal. Of course getting in front of a judge will take years.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 7:06 PM, Thursday, December 8th]