SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am so so SO sorry. This whole situation is absolutely disgusting.

In normal cases I would advise a more conservative approach, but in this case you NEED to report this IMMEDIATELY. You have your child that you need to step up for and there's a real danger for her to be impacted here when this comes to light (I say when because it WILL come out one way or the other); if it comes to light that you knew about this situation and didn't report it to the proper authorities, there's certainly a possibility for CPS to intervene with your child too. I am not trying to scare you, but where kids are involved I would rather err on the side of reporting. Additionally as a dad - this poor high schooler your wife is preying on is also being irreparably damaged, both by your wife and by his mother. Getting CPS on the case helps him too.

Sending you so many hugs - this is such a bad situation all around.

First let me say I'm sorry you had to search for infidelity support. We all know the shock and pain you're in.

That said, there is so much wrong here I don't even know where to begin, so I'll start with what I know first hand.

My son is 18 and has Asperger's and ADHD. Yes, many with Asperger's are highly intelligent and very often gifted in some way. My son is a tech genius, and was teaching himself piano as a young boy. Many show brilliance in music, art, mathematics, technology among other things.

What they lack is the ability to read people. To understand certain nuances and human behaviors. Some things they just don't "get" despite the intelligence and I actually want my son to take a psychology class while still in college just for that reason. For your wife to make a 17 year old boy out to be the aggressor here is preposterous. She is full of it to be blunt.

He is a minor and she is committing statutory rape. Yes she should be reported and if that costs her a career, family, court costs and possible legal ramifications so be it. SHE is 44 years old which in my book is old enough to know not to seduce a 17 year old.

His mother is aware of this and is referring to your wife as her DIL? Seriously? You're absolutely sure of this? It's sick and in my opinion she is guilty of child neglect by condoning an affair her 17 year old is having with a married woman.

So what if your wife is involved in church. That obviously hasn't done much for her moral compass has it. This is a woman who is talking about divorcing you for a teenager. Not only does she need therapy, and a LOT of it, she needs repercussions. If that means blowing up her saintly doings at church and throwing her career in a dumpster fire then it is what it is. SHE did this and is continuing to.

You can bet that if my son's teacher was engaging in an affair with him, Asperger's or not, my mama bear would kick in and I'd make damn sure the school was made aware and have her lose her job. I sure as hell wouldn't be referring to her as a DIL. She has no business being a teacher, she's a pedo in my book.

Sorry for coming across harsh, but this is so above and beyond absurd and disturbing to me. Get yourself into some therapy as well if you aren't already, build a support team, get legal advice and forget calling, GO to her school and tell them what is going on.

T

[This message edited by JKai17 at 7:51 PM, Tuesday, October 4th]

Yes, they do develop differently and their maturity is a step behind, despite the intelligence. It's very common and yet at the same time they often find themselves more comfortable and on par with adults, or older kids. It's hard to explain.

My son always clearly felt he was able to relate to adults more than those in his own age group. I know it kinda contradicts the step behind maturity, but it is what happens. That doesn't by any means suggest this boy is fully aware of what he's doing nor the severity and ramifications of it. I highly doubt a 17 year old wants to be a homewrecker. If anything your wife could be using that developmental issue to her advantage and treating it as a manipulation tool. You have no idea what she has said to him aside from the messages. That's what predators do and please don't sugar coat it, that's what she is. It's absolutely abhorrent.

As for his mother, she's a piece of work and aside from contacting the school perhaps child services should be paying "Ma" a visit.

Oh my gosh I am so so sorry you're here. I'm new here myself and I don't have any advice to give you but I have so much commiseration! I'm really hoping your wife has not had sex with the student - for a million different reasons - but just want to reiterate what others are saying: he's a child, and it's entirely possible he might test boundaries with authority figures by flirting with them or having crushes on them, he's a teenager, they do that - but it's the responsibility of the adults surrounding him to enforce healthy boundaries to keep the children safe. His actions are understandable as he tries to navigate being a teenager, hers and his mother's are not.

But then there's you and your child. I have a feeling that a lot of your wife's actions will focus on this child being the central victim and he is a victim, even if nothing physical has happened he's still being damaged by this. But you're a victim, too, and I'm so so sorry your wife has betrayed you in this massive, shocking way. It makes me so sick how unhinged spouses can be, how terrible the damage is that they can cause. I'm really sorry for all you're going through.

[This message edited by Sigyn at 7:30 PM, Tuesday, August 23rd]

Walk yourself into your local precinct with all your evidence and don't walk out until you have given them everything and answered every question.

For your wife - she's a predator on many levels. Those chips can fall where they all have barbs.
For your child -I'm sorry. Please protect your baby.
For you - get an attorney and an IC ASAP.

Do no delay in any of that.

Please talk to an attorney before you blow your WW's life up. Right now, you are tied inextricably to her in financial terms, so having her arrested or whatever sounds really good in terms of moral outrage, but in terms of the financial stability of your own child going forward, I do think it would be wise to make absolutely sure that it's a necessary step. Your WW's debts are your debts until you take legal steps to extricate yourself from her liability. Right now, all you have is inappropriate communication, and yeah... it's sooooo wrong. But I don't see the kind of clear and present danger to a minor which would require you to report first and get legal advice later.

Nothing to add except I am so sorry you are here and this is happening to you and your daughter.

If it were me, I'd consult an attorney like yesterday. They can assist with the reporting (including explaining any legal liability you have to report) and how to proceed in your marriage.

While the student victim is a priority, the long game is you and your daughter. That's why I'd consult a lawyer ASAP. I would want to take every step precisely as instructed so I gained full custody of my child. That would be my goal anyway.

As other have said, you need to report this immediately. You Indicated that a 17 year old in your state is still a minor. Your knowing the situation and not reporting it may well put you in serious legal (criminal) jeopardy. You could lose custody of your daughter to the state. As for your wife, she will be considered a pedophile. Do not wait. Contact an attorney ASAP who can help you navigate through this horrible situation. The longer you wait the more likely this will get out and you need to act before that happens.

[This message edited by Rockyroad48 at 8:12 PM, Tuesday, August 23rd]

As respectfully as I can be while saying this, your wife sounds like she's Gone Coo-Coo For Cocoa Puffs.

An affair is absolutely painful enough. A woman in her mid-40s whose 'dates' consist of kissing a 17-year-old boy in front of his mother who is her age, speaks to something else seriously wrong too. That your wife calls this boy's mother 'ma' is another disturbing detail.

You do need to see a lawyer, as there are further complications from even the 'typical' awful affair. On the one hand, you need to protect yourself legally--there may be a failure-to-report law in regards to your WW's affair with the 17-year-old (and, she should NOT be allowed to be teaching minors). On the other hand you need to protect your finance, as well as both you and your daughter. Wishing you strength...

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:32 PM, Tuesday, August 23rd]

A million yikes, my friend. Welcome and I am sorry to hear of your sitch. What a MESS your wife has made, like what in actual hell is she thinking? She can't honestly be too worried about what the church thinks, unless she plans on keeping her new pubescent boyfriend at the house and never bring him out.

I am with Chamomile Tea, your primary responsibility is to your daughter, and I would say that includes protecting assets that provide for her. The very first thing on your list is to consult with an attorney and they can help you walk through the minefield of mandated reporting while protecting your daughter.

You do not deserve this. This is not your fault. I think your wife may be mentally ill or at the very least has ABYSMAL judgement. She is inviting a lot of trouble and I would nope tf out of that immediately, or at least before the story reaches Dateline.

OP, I do think you should see an attorney. Immediately. Tell them what's going on. They will help you report this to the authorities, help you protect your child, and make sure you are protected.

I also have an Aspie. I agree with MBB. That this child is on the spectrum,and she is doing this is so horribly outrageous.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:03 PM, Tuesday, August 23rd]

Please understand, you are not the knew blowing up her life. She's already done that.

I'm baffled by a few of the responses. What we have here is a 44 year old adult, having an "affair"( emotional and physical) with a special needs child.

No one should stay quiet in a situation like this.

My aspie musically gifted kiddo was no where near ready to have an adult relationship at 18.
He also did not have the ability to see if he was being manipulated.

Your wife is completely totally off the rails. Get yourself with an attorney to work out what your rights are and how to protect your daughter. That should be number one concern at this point. Do NOT allow your wife to go anywhere with your daughter alone. If she chooses to see this boy with her, that will cause confusion and could be a grooming situation for her.

Chaos posted:

Walk yourself into your local precinct with all your evidence and don't walk out until you have given them everything and answered every question.

For your wife - she's a predator on many levels. Those chips can fall where they all have barbs.
For your child -I'm sorry. Please protect your baby.
For you - get an attorney and an IC ASAP.

Do no delay in any of that.

^^^Totally agree. This needs to be reported to the authorities asap.

You don't have to explain anything to your 7 year old right now.

My son has Asperger’s, which is basically just a more specific term for autism. If someone had taken advantage of him when he was a minor, I would have been mad as hell! Even now that he’s 27, I will personally beat the crap out of anyone who tries to exploit him for their own selfishness. He does not have the ability to navigate complex social situations.

That mom is seriously messed up if she thinks it’s ok for an adult woman, in the role of his teacher, to have anything that hints at a romantic relationship with him. It doesn’t matter if the mom thinks it’s ok. She is abusing that child by not protecting him. She needs to be reported. Any fallout that affects your wife is her problem.

Unfortunately in many States even kissing can be considered statutory rape. While I understand everyone discussing legal issues, and you should sit with a lawyer as soon as possible, you also then need to report her.
I am sorry you find yourself dealing with this, but you know about what shes done/doing, you don't want any blow back from that.

I'm baffled by a few of the responses. What we have here is a 44 year old adult, having an "affair"( emotional and physical) with a special needs child.

What "physical affair" are we talking about? The OP has said that he doesn't believe there was sex. All he knows for sure is that the kid thanked her for hugs and kisses. That could be on the forehead for all we know. But he's supposed to walk into a police station and claim that his WW is having illegal congress with a minor? Do you understand what happens next? The police interview everyone involved and then get child services involved, possibly not just for the 17 year-old but to check the safety and welfare of the OP's own child. Then, the WW needs to lawyer up, and who's paying for that? As allegations continue, the boy's mother will likewise need to lawyer up, and then maybe it will be suggested she sue for damages in order to clear her own involvement.

The boy has Asperger's, so I agree that the WW's behavior has been abusive, even criminal. What you're asking this guy to do though could ruin him. He and his daughter are collateral damage to the WW's life blowing up, there isn't one without the other, and while it might be satisfying to bystanders who don't have to live with the actual consequences to see that sick woman get hers ASAP, it's completely possible for the OP to mitigate his risks. IMHO, he should see an attorney first. To his knowledge, sex has not occurred. If he instructs his WW to stay away from the boy and makes it clear that he will go straight to the police if he catches her breaking NC, he should be fine to get council first.

Thanks for all advices.

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:00 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

I am so sorry but you must report her to the authorities asap.

How would you feel if someone took advantage of your child? 17 or not the CHILD has Asperger's and imo makes them more vulnerable.

Once again, this is a lot but you need to do the right thing.