SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Has anyone mentioned the fact that if you are married to a person, and they get pregnant, then the child legally belongs to you.

This is only true if paternity isn't challenged. If the woman is married and paternity goes unchallenged, it is assumed that her husband is the father.

The OP could challenge paternity if he believes there is a chance that the child is not his. Or the purported father of the child could petition for paternity.

But back to the matter at hand. Your divorce attorney, not a criminal attorney, should be able to give you some guidance on how to handle this situation from a legal and custodial perspective. If you were to alert authorities on the advice of your attorney, you would go to whatever agency they recommend, be it the police, Division of Children, Youth and Families, etc.

Frankly, this whole situation is pretty ugly. I wouldn't want to be with someone who had such very poor boundaries, let alone who would prey on a child. And don't get me started on the child's parent. That's beyond awful.

Cat

You can’t believe her.

She is holding you out till he is 18.

I said it first and you said she said it in text.

You have no choice but to love forward.

God this is so awful.

Once again, this tragic situation is horrific and I extend my sincere and heartfelt condolences (don't even know the words to say in this instance). Hell, we all do.

But here's the thing that I feel the need to emphasize again. You are acting on what you know. All of us here are aware of the iceberg rule that what you see and know, many times, it just a fraction of what is yet to come out. That was the case when I reported my own family member for much the same reason and when the rest came out, I wept. It was absolutely nauseating and horrifying (My heart races right now just typing about it and it was decades ago). This is the case all too often. Is it 100% sure that there is more? No idea. But, I always advise erring on the side of the safety of a minor. Again, ALL adults that are involved in this have failed this kid. I don't care that he is 17 and somewhere on the spectrum. You said that in your state, he is still a minor and he needs protection from an abusive situation. Tragically, you, the betrayed husband in all of this, have to be the adult concerning this entire mess and report what you know to the authorities. Let them sort out the legalities after investigating. That is what they are there for. All it takes is a call. I actually think that in some states you can do so anonymously.

Of course protect you and your daughter legally. Its an absolute must. But the two things are not antithetical.

Reaching out and giving you virtual Bro Hugs (((JKai17)))

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 6:03 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]

Going all the way back to your first post, this struck me.

My wife said the student seduced her constantly and she said yes after numerous shut downs.

This is an adult woman talking about a teenage boy with a developmental disability. She knows very well that he's going through all the hormonal changes of a teenage boy with rational and emotional functions that are impaired. But she still engages in the same blame-shifting that is so typical of a WS. She's blaming the victim for her crime.

I think some folks have become distracted by the heinous nature of this A and lost the script in warning you about how typical her behavior is otherwise.

Rule one is that you have to assume that she is lying about everything in the absence of reason to believe otherwise. You should even take what you've read in her messages with a grain of salt because she knows that the consequences of her behavior are potentially much more severe than a typical A. Proof of sexual contact may mean jail, not just D.

In particular, the fact that they discussed hugs and kisses in front of his Mom doesn't mean that nothing more has happened when they're alone.

She said to me he is like a son to her.

Did you ask her how she squares this with the sexual nature of their relationship?

My wife swore on it that he is innocent, not like typical high school student.

This is the same boy that "seduced her constantly" until she supposedly gave in?

I'm sure that you're reeling from all of this and that it's hard to keep straight but it sounds like your W realizes that she's at extreme risk and she has turned the gas-lighting and lies up to 11.

If your W works at the same University as you and there is any connection whatsoever between this boy and the University you are obligated to report this to your University. You could place yourself at risk if you fail to do so.

I'm sorry she has done this to you and your family. You've been through a lot already. Be sure to take care of yourself. The trauma of discovering something like this has lasting impact. Read through the healing library and find help from a therapist who understands betrayal trauma.

Best wishes.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 7:46 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]

JKai17, I’m so sorry for you. This is such a messed up situation and your WW is obviously sick. A healthy adult woman would see how terrible this all is and your WW is in need of serious help.

Saying that, she put herself in this situation and your responsibilities are to your kids and you. I echo what others have said, get the right counsel and follow the instructions of professionals to address this to protect you and your family from her awful choices.

I can't think (but it's not out of the realm of possibility) where her affair with a 17 year old will work out for her in court. It won't. Her trying to get the 17 year old as a parental figure in your kid's life either. That borders on some mental issue.

I agree with Rambler. Always has. But Bigger makes a good point too. If she is unemployed, alimony may bite you. Don't get her fired. Use her 'fog' against her and win.

You know what to do. File. She is waiting on October already for him to be of age. Gather your evidence, file and take advantage of this. You and your 7 year old will have a great life. Win primary custody.

It's sad but it's not you who screwed up and this 17 year old and her will be in your life forever. Your life and your 7 year old's is on the line. I am telling you as someone with vast experience in Family Law, you have the advantage but you also need to protect your six. Now is the time

I will discuss with her about hiring a lawyer and reporting to child protection service.

I wouldn’t make any moves until you’ve consulted your attorney.

You’re getting a lot of great advice here but, if your actions are executed out of proper order, you may compromise your position and outcome.

Get a plan of action together with the help of your attorney.

The priority’s might look something like this:

EXAMPLE:

-Preserve all evidence

-Protect your daughter and secure custody privileges.

-Protect yourself and secure finances

-File for legal separation and execute divorce proceedings ASAP.

-Report to authorities.

-Authorities will report to employers and parents.

The investigation may take a while giving you time to secure a best terms divorce.

I wouldn’t tip her off on your moves. Don’t let her get ahead of you where she can destroy evidence, file preemptive false DV charges against you, smear your credibility or otherwise sabotage or interfere with your attempts to secure the best possible outcome for you and your daughter.

Remember, it’s going to be three against one. The boy, his mom, her against you.

Edited for typos

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:35 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]

Something more to consider:

I don’t know if you can safely consider reconciliation right now. She might just be too much of a liability. Until after any possible criminal and/or civil investigation and subsequent outcome(s) has been resolved, she’s in no position to safely rebuild herself and a marriage. If there is some criminal or civil fallout, it will be very difficult for her to rebuild her professional and social life, help you heal, fix herself and rebuild a marriage while she’s dealing with all that.

She can go after reconciliation with you after the divorce, after any criminal proceedings, and after any possible civil penalties have been resolved, and after she’s received the psychological intervention she needs.

But for now, you may want to get far clear of her, and as much of her legal fallout-if any, as possible.

I know this sounds ruthlessly pragmatic but, she put herself in this situation. She excused herself from your marital vows. You’re under no moral marital obligation to protect her.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 11:12 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]

Thank you for all your support.

I

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:03 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

Why would you discuss seeing an attorney or reporting this to child services with her? All she's going to do is try and talk you out of it or try to stall things until this kid's birthday in October. She very likely would alert his mother of your plans to contact child services since she and "Ma" have become such good friends.

Just do it. Did you get to weigh in on her relationship with a 17 year old? No, you didn't. This is about protecting yourself and your daughter and you have to keep reminding yourself of that.

I know emotions are high now and all over the place but you have to understand she's in damage control and self preservation mode, while you are still trying to grasp this.

Edit to add to my comment since I just saw your latest response.

Beware of the fake apologies and tears. It's highly likely she sees you're serious and she's trying to placate you. She may realize she could be in a hell of a lot of trouble, she actually would have to be clueless if she didn't. Don't fall for it because it's probably being done to manipulate you. Keep all your appointments and get as much information as you can. Is she aware of these appointments?

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 11:38 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:04 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

What I am understanding is you are from another country and things run differently.

I want you to consider though if a Judge/Courts find out you knew about this and did not report it you both can lose your child.

It can be argued by your wife's family that your judgement can not be trusted when it comes to the safety of children, including yours. Thus they can win custody and allow her in your childs life and not you. Do not give anyone a reason to do that.

I did see you spoke to the police and they want evidence, please document this for your protection.

I am so very sorry this is happening to you. <hug>

Thank you for your support.

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:04 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

Please be careful. You can’t trust her.

Her emotions are all over the place but that does not mean it is love for you.

Please listen to a lawyer and get something in writing to protect yourself.

What is she afraid a camera picked up on?

Why would you think its over?

And why does some random man know to check on her during practice?

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:05 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

You are making the mistake many bs make. You believe what she's telling you.

They're not talking marriage,if there's been no sexual activity.

She's not checking her phone around you,because she scared you might report her.

My kid is in high school. They can use their phone during free time,study hall,lunch,before and after school, etc.

Besides..they are still seeing each other in person, so there isn't a great need to text.

His mom isn't worried about losing custody. He turns 18 in a few months. Did your wife tell you that? She did it to protect his mom.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:26 PM, Thursday, August 25th]

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:05 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

HellFire is spot on. Do not fall for the lies. Your wife is likely doing what so many cheaters do when caught, she's being extra cautious to give the appearance she's ended it.

You better find the time to report it, and fast. It should be a priority for you right now. Why does it have to be anonymous? You didn't do anything wrong.

As for the school, so what if they need your name. SHE is the one in trouble not you. A teacher who crosses boundaries with a student needs to be reported. Period. If not it could happen again to another student if she remains being able to teach.

I find it extremely strange that the university staff member you talked to didn’t report this. In probably all states all employees of educational institutions are mandated reporters. By not reporting he's opening his university for legal trouble and endangering his job.

I think all states allow reporting of child abuse anonymously.