SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She said he's like a son to her? As a mom who has a son, never in a million years would I message him saying I'd like to peel his kiwi and eat it. That's something she feels is motherly? Good Lord, how unhinged is she?

She blames HIM? So a 44 year old is blaming a 17 year old who has Asperger's. Wow. Just wow. Talk about deflecting blame. Does this woman have a conscience? The ability to own up to HER behavior? Or how about remembering the fact that she's married.

If this boy is truly musically gifted he can find success without her so called help.

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:02 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

Well you know what you need to do.

She is holding out for just a few months until he turns 18.

If you don’t act quickly you will lose a lot of advantage.

Strike now and hard. You are already making great steps keep it up.

Don’t touch her until you have advise from a lawyer as it can be seen as forgiveness by some courts.

After the legal matters are in place if you want to reconcile she needs to be begging on hands and knees. Full submission you are 100% in charge.

Be very careful she is not your wife or your friend right now.

Good luck.

Ok, retired cop. This struck a nerve with me. I have dealt with more child abuse cases than I want to remember.

Your first priority is that child, period. Your pain and grief come later. Inform the cops now, before something else happens. He is being abused by both your wife and his mother. Get that kid out of the abuse. To be honest, my opinion is you and your needs are secondary. That child cannot make decisions to protect himself. That sucks from your position, I get it. What would a court say when you try to get custody of your child when you did not report abuse to another child.

Sometimes the greater good come first, as hard as that is

Thank you for your advice.

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:02 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

I have no idea on why you wait to file. You should file to protect you assets, to stop potential debt and most importantly to protect your child.

There may not be a primal case. File and get custody of your child. Get control.

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:02 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

You may need to explain your last post. You’re in a terrible situation, so I understand your inability to articulate clearly.

I do get the feeling, you are clearly seeing right from wrong. If what I’m reading is correct, pick a good attorney and follow their advice … then let go of the outcome.

As long as you do the right thing … what happens from there is out of your control.

Protect the interests of you and your daughter.

Again, help the child then help yourself. That kid has no idea what he is doing. He needs protection from the cops and CPS. You are screwed no matter what you do so you might as well do the right thing. You will rest alot easier in the long run.

I think you should protect yourself and your daughter's future first, file for D and protect yourself financially, the 17 year old teenager will become an adult in about a month anyway so I'm not sure CPS will have enough time to do much if anything at all in such a short period of time, I of course am not necessarily suggesting to not to report it to the authorities but that you need sound legal advice first, both by a D and criminal attornies, you and your child should be priority number one.

My daughter is autistic with ADHD, highly intelligent but also has great difficulty "reading" people and so I find this "relationship" incredibly upsetting. Even if this boy was not autistic, this would still be a case of your wife grooming a person who they are in a position of power. They are abusing their role as a teacher. While I am not in your country, this would be be reported to the police here in my country as well as to the school which would then inform other authorities. It would also be all over the media.

Rest assured, others will have noticed this inappropriate relationship and it will be only a matter of time before it is reported. This could put you in a very unsafe position, if someone comes knocking at your door.

I would recommend that you give her an ultimatum that she reports her inappropriate behaviour immediately within the next day or you will do so. Putting children first is paramount.

I want to be a bit more analytical and focused than some posts have been (IMHO). I doubt I’m adding anything much new to what has been said, but maybe I’m gathering stuff together in one post.
I want to be very clear that I have no sympathy from those perverts that do pray on young people or kids, but let’s deal with reality as our society and laws see it.

This is not pedophilia unless the boy is behind in physical development. If this were to go to court, it would probably be seen as statutory rape rather than pedophilia. This is dependent on your state/country: in Alabama the victim needs to be under 12 years for it to be seen as a child, while in California it’s 18. Age of consent varies from 16 to 20 in the US and most Western countries and is as low as 14 in some countries and generally only applies to sexual acts (intercourse). There can be a wide variance in factors like age-difference between victim and defendant.

His mental state? There is a very wide spectrum as far as Aspergers goes, ranging from socially functional to total isolation. How he’s viewed as far as "mentally competent" is something we don’t know. This could impact how the legal system might view what’s going on. As sad as this might sound – and it definitely does NOT reflect my personal point of view – LEGALLY there might be nothing wrong with what’s happening and no legal obligation to notify any authority.

Because of the above then VERY HIGH on my to-do list would be to get legal clarity on her legal status. Not necessarily so you can charge her or leverage her into compliance, but rather to see what your family-unit might look like if/when this breaks out and what consequences that might have for you.
For example: As a married couple if she is charged would your marital assets be at risk for legal cost and fines? Would social reaction lead to your property being vandalized? Could you be accountable for not reporting her behavior? If you remain together if she’s charged and sentenced, would your home be on the sexual offenders list? Would that limit her options for teaching?

What is extremely likely is that this is a breach in accepted behavior and expectations for mentors and teachers. Either a direct breach of written guidelines or at the very least a breach of expectations. This can have legal implications, but I am 100% certain it can have professional (and financial) implications. If I were hiring an adjunct and the options were A who was quite good or B who was better BUT had a reputation for inappropriate relationships with students… quite good would suffice. Same with church-work.

Another thing high on your To-do list (and possibly based/impacted by the legal aspect…) is to decide if this marriage is salvageable or not.
Is it?
IMHO all situations can be saved, but it’s also definite that not all situations should be saved…
The key IMHO is that the infidelity ends. Without this the marriage has no chance at all. If the WS is willing to end the infidelity and then you two start the work of reconciling, then you have a shot at saving the marriage.
Your wife doesn’t want to end the infidelity… Asking if the marriage can be saved or not is like standing in front of the remains of a burning house wondering if a coat of paint would help. This might not be what you want – not any more than you want your house to burn – but it’s what’s happening.

If we take the above into consideration then I would base the next steps on the legal situation.
Is she legally accountable for her actions? Not ethically – we can all be clear on that issue – LEGALLY.
Are you in any way accountable LEGALLY for not notifying the relevant authorities?
With the above in mind then find a competent DIVORCE attorney. Don’t focus on an attorney to defend her or to get her out of her mess. You want an attorney that’s thinking of YOU and YOU alone.

If that attorney tells you what she’s doing is illegal – irrespective of the moral factor – you follow his advice on the next steps.
If he tells you it’s immoral but not illegal – you follow him on the next steps. That might include aspects that might threaten YOUR moral values like not blowing this out of the water, but the reason for that might be that removing her earning-ability now might lead to a worse divorce outcome for you.

What is definite IMHO is that nothing will change without your action.

Since she works for churches and colleges, if this is found out, her career might be over with possible criminal charge.

I liked to reconcile first but after her countless lies, I am almost giving up hope.

Your wife is a criminal engaged in a sexual relationship with a minor. Are you sure you want to reconcile with this person? I would get your daughter as far away from her as legally possible ASAP!

Tell the attorney your wife has been having an inappropriate relationship with an under-age special needs 17 year old. That you have proof of this. That you want to file for divorce, immediately. That you want help from them,in reporting this to the authorities.

If this is no big deal,as some have basically said,then yeah for her. She won't be charged,and she can continue to victimise this boy,with his mom's help(heavy sarcasm).

Her being his teacher is probably going to matter,despite his age,and mental capabilities..but see what the attorney says.

Regardless, do you want a divorce? Or can you stay married to a woman who is sexting a 17 year old boy,and calls him her true love?

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:48 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]

Talk to an attorney about how your wife's behavior will impact custody of your child.
It may well be that you will get primary custody.

Save copies of the emails and develop your own diary of dates, times, places and things said.

Their plans to live together etc is pure fantasy.

Among other things, once her behavior is exposed (whether there are criminal charges or not) it's likely that her music teaching career is over.

Therefore, she will not be able to support the boy.

Finally, don't excuse her behavior because of her childhood or parents.

JKai17,

You need to do something to secure your finances for your daughters sake.

The boys Mom who seems to be approving of this "relationship" may be planning a lawsuit longer term.

Your WW may end up unemployable because of this.

There is a major question if your WW is fit to act in your daughters best interest or will she do something weird like flirt or seduce her first boyfriend years from now.

If you take the K and 7 from your alias it spells Jail which is likely were your WW is going.

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I’m sorry that you are not able to deal with the impact of infidelity as much as you need to, because of the other circumstances surrounding this.

I have a question that I have not seen addressed yet. Has anyone mentioned the fact that if you are married to a person, and they get pregnant, then the child legally belongs to you.

I’m not sure if this is the law where you live, but it is worth looking into.

Just want to second that you and your daughter come first.

You are calling a lawyer to get out of indefinitely not save your marriage.

You are driving the bus and if she hops on maybe but that bus needs to keep moving.

This is going to get really hard. I’m not going to lie to you. Even if she does not go to jail she will be in trouble.

She will likely be calling and crying when things go bad. If she did go to jail and she calls crying send her parents to go get her. She needs a hard jolt of reality.

You cannot even fathom working things out until you have some agreement about your finances and daughter in writing.

She is absolutely trying to hold you out until he is 18 then things could get much worse. Don’t allow it move now.

The truth is this is not an innocent kid either. Many of us men were 17 and we would absolutely jump at the chance to sleep with older women. But your wife needs to be treated as a monster because you cannot allow underage relationships.

Get the divorce process started listen to your lawyers advise as it may override any advise we would give you.

Please move quickly. You really will regret it if you don’t.

Can you imagine having 50/50 custody and child support payments with her and him. Don’t let it happen.

Thank you for all your support.

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:03 AM, Monday, October 3rd]