SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Backstory:
My husband and I are together for 7 years, and have been married for a year. We truly believed that we were soulmates for one another. When we first met, we found out how similiar we are in terms of interests, values, love language, and our future goals etc., He was the only partner I had who would consistently shower me with love and attention ever since Day 1, and I love that about our relationship, its the way we are still so in love after so many years.

One big change in our lives is that he had switched his career to a Personal Trainer (been 3 months since), it was something he is passionate about since young, but his parents had pushed him to pursue engineering when he was younger and he ended up very unhappy in the engineering field. I decided to support him as I wanted him to be happy and find success in doing a job that he loves.

His new career is very time-consuming (sometimes his shifts span from 8am-10pm) so we are only able to spend time on a weekday night (sometimes) and a Saturday. I have been very understanding of his new time schedule and we still call and message everyday as per normal. But he'd complain of not having enough time for himself and I did my best to let him have his alone time.

Even though we are married, I have not moved in to stay with him yet, due to unforeseen circumstances - Covid hit and his parents are super particular about cleanliness, and so I did not move in to prevent any potential unhappiness regarding the differences in our living habits) However, things are getting better now so I had plans to move in once we purchase a queen bed for his room (currently super single size) later this year. We always wanted to live together and come home to each other, and not having to only meet once/twice a week. To be honest, it's been very difficult for the both of us that we are not staying together, but we still managed and coped with it.

What happened:
Yesterday, we were looking for houses on his laptop, and then he went to the toilet. I saw an email notification of a hotel booking cancellation. It took a moment for me to convince myself I saw it, I even asked myself if I was thinking too much into it. I decided to trust my instinct and looked for that email. Lo and behold it was a hotel booking cancellation for the next day, which he had told me that he will be meeting a guy friend after his work. My heart was pumping so fast, I was doubting if my suspicions were true, but I immediately approached him and asked him about it.

He lied at first, saying that he actually had that booking planned for us, and he cancelled meeting that guy friend. But I knew things didn't add up, so I pushed him even more to just tell the truth. I was shaking so badly. He finally caved in to tell me the truth, that he had it planned to meet one of his female clients who is married too. But he cancelled it because he decided he couldn't go through with it, and also because of some financial strains we are experiencing (housing and career switch etc.,)

We sat down and had a long talk, he admitted to having feelings for his female client and they both agreed to the plan of spending time in the hotel room because they are both married (can't afford to be seen and of course well, sex). He told me he felt that they have alot in common, feels a connection, are very similar in nature (sounds familiar?). He said he felt happy with her. And so I asked him what was lacking in our relationship that led to this? He said he still loves me very much and is still happy in our relationship, but pointed out how I'm not very attentive when he needed me to. I think he needed to feel validated and I failed to do so at those moments. I wished he could have communicated better to work on our marriage and not resorted to this.

Let me also add that I have been cheated on before I met him, and is currently dealing with my dad cheating on my mum as well (5 yrs ongoing because everyone just sweeps everything under the damn rug)

We took a day off to think and decide on how to move forward. I couldnt sleep at all. My heart is racing and I couldnt stop thinking. I know it's just the beginning of bad nights.

We finally meet to decide how to move forward. He claims that he still loves me and sees me as a life partner and offered to quit his job (too risky, might turn tables to put the blame on me) When I said he can still stay on his job but he has to ask another colleague to take over this female client. He HESITATED, and took a moment to think about it. How deep he is into this 3 weeks infatuation that he had to even consider it over our 7 years r/s built with hard work, sweat and tears??? I just felt like he is blinded by a 3 weeks old infatuation all because it felt new and exciting and AP is feeding into his validation and needs. I reminded him that I love him despite his flaws (anger issues, financial debt etc.,) , and we went through thick and thin together. AP only sees the perfect side of him and tells him whatever is nice to hear about himself. God please help this silliness.

He admitted that he did feel like he had to choose between me and her, and is very conflicted about how everything has came to this point. For me, it hurts so much to think that he developed feelings for someone else and acted on it. I feel like a spare tyre in my own freaking marriage. I understand that it is in human nature to be attracted to others, even when you are a r/s. But if you're in a committed r/s, just don't act upon it. I admit that I get attracted to others too but end of the day I remind myself that I still chose my husband because I love him the way he is and our r/s, then just shrug off the feelings.

Both of our first option tho, is to try working on our marriage, finding the root problems, seek couple counseling etc etc. But he asked me if I could really trust him again. With confidence, I told him yes, I am confident I could do it as long as we are agreeable to set certain terms (transparency, check device anytime etc.,) that can help us both in building that trust again AND that he have to cut off ALL contact with AP, and any other times when they come into contact, I need to know about it. He started going about how he might not be able to cancel AP sessions with him yada yada and I called him out on his bullturd. I said, if you truly want to make this work, you would come up with ways to do so. Now you are just coming up with excuses and being in denial because you just simply could not let her go. He could not give me his 100% in working on the marriage. I would not even accept a 99%, I needed a 101% because that is what I'm willing to put in too.

At this point of time I knew the first option is not viable anymore. And I told him, that it's okay, he made his choice and that we should file for a divorce instead. Everytime I mention about divorcing, he looked so torn. But I wonder if he was just sorry he got caught or is really remorseful that his actions led up to this.

By the way, the hotel plan is apparently their first "date" outside from meeting in the gym, and he mentioned that they seldom text/call because she lives with her partner. She would also wait for him to be free in the gym and they would chat for hours. It was a major slap in the face because
we have mutual friends in that gym (i go to another gym closer to my place instead) and he even said that some of them might have suspected. Horribly disappointed that NO ONE came up to me to say anything. I asked who made the first move and he said she did. I'm sorry but allow me to say this as a anonymous user, what a selfish turd home wreaker. Yeah and my husband is to blame too because he was too naive and gullible to allow things to go so far.

Towards the end of our conversation we actually opened up to lay everything on the table on what we could improve on. And the identified problems that weren't even major deal breakers and are easily fixable. For example, we felt we weren't transparent in our communication anymore - easy, we can just fix the way we communicate to help one another feel validated and loved. And that we could spend more time if I move in - which I was more than happy to.

But.. its all too late. Because he still chose her. And it felt like a part of him has already moved on with her. He is a ghost, he is not longer the person I was married to. I feel so broken by this.

My final decision was to do a D. He will be passing me some of my stuff in the coming weekend and insisted that he comes over to my place even tho I mentioned that it'll be easier to let go afterwards once he passed my stuff to me if we are in a public space. I don't know, we'll see.

Lastly, I want to say that I'm so thankful for this wonderful community, I too look forward to the day when I can heal from this. And being able to resonate with some of the posts and comments helps me feel less alone. What happened truly broke me, as from experiences of a cheating ex and father, I thought I found the one whom I can really trust 100%. And he ultimately broke it. I have lost faith in finding someone who can be faithful, lost faith in humanity as I believe everyone is just out to hurt each another, and I really think sometimes it not worth living in a world full of hurt.

I am so so sorry you are hurting.

You did the right thing by setting boundaries and sticking to them. Your first and only task for today would be to make sure her partner knows. Contact him directly IMMEDIATELY and do not let your ex know you will do this.

If possible, you should also report him to his gym. This is not revenge. This is what is right. Her partner deserves to know and his gym should know he preys on his clients.

You did nothing to deserve this. You actually proved your worth by refusing to accept less than 101%. Im am sorry he lied to you about who he is - a selfish coward. He is absolutely the type to come crawling back when his fantasy isn't real so prepare yourself for this and decide exactly what you will say or do so you aren't swayed by his words. Actions are what matter.

I hope I am not stepping on toes when I write this……I see lots of men on a social media site who take more selfies that 40 women. Their buffed bodies are all they seem to care about. Some of them do the same job as your husband. Some men used love bombing, devaluing and discarding throughout their lives. If your husband, who is barely married, is already love bombing another woman he is not marriage material to anyone. I hope you tell her husband. He needs to know asap.
I am so sorry you have to deal with these people, your father included.
Take care of your health. When your heart mends, and it will, you need to be healthy in mind, body and spirit.

His behavior, from the intial love-bombing of you and mirroring your likes, to the gaslighting and lying all point to him being a narcissist. In the long run you will be happy to be rid of this person from your life. Trust me...I found out about mine after thirty long years, that my therapist has called a "one way" relationship.
My wife chose her affair partner, and it really does hurt until you realize they are horrible, broken people who are a match made in heaven (that's not a complimnet...). You will be better off in the long run, as I am discovering day by day as I work my way out of this. Best of luck to you as you move forward.

I’m So sorry for you. You deserve better. You know that you are being lied to on so many levels.

First he’s choosing someone he barely knows. It’s all a lie. Their relationship is nothing other than a fantasy as you pointed out, she tells him everything he wants to hear.

BTW it’s so typical for trainers to have affairs with people at the gym or those they train. Hear it all the time.

You are right that your H is taking the easy way out. However if this is who he really is, then it’s best you find out before kids and a mortgage etc. If you end up getting a D, at least you will not be tied to him.

I hope you will consider getting yourself a good counselor just for you. Someone to support you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:56 AM, Tuesday, August 16th]

Thank you all for your messages and support, I really truly appreciate it. I have taken the step to see a local online therapist and made an appointment.

You did the right thing by setting boundaries and sticking to them. Your first and only task for today would be to make sure her partner knows. Contact him directly IMMEDIATELY and do not let your ex know you will do this.

I'm honestly stuck on whether I should do it. It is spiteful of me to do so? Am I doing it out for revenge? Will H blame me when turd hits the fan and things don't go well between them because her partner found out? Also, he didn't want to tell me AP's name and was afraid I would stalk her and message her partner. He was afraid of getting caught and he was protective of her. But I managed to persuade him to at least give me the courtesy to know the name of the person who broke our marriage. I did manage to find her on IG, although I'm not 100% whether it is her, and I'm afraid I might ruin a marriage if I tried to contact AP's partner, and it turns out I got the wrong person.

BTW it’s so typical for trainers to have affairs with people at the gym or those they train. Hear it all the time.

You are right. I was so afraid in the beginning, but we worked it out and I gave him my trust after all the reassurances. I wanted him to be happy.

His behavior, from the initial love-bombing of you and mirroring your likes, to the gaslighting and lying all point to him being a narcissist.

I may be blind to it, but I never felt like I was love-bombed or gaslighted throughout the relationship, I did suspect he might have some narcissistic tendencies, because I suspected the same for his dad. Please walk me through the purpose and intent of love-bombing.

Despite our decision to D, he is still texting me like how he usually would, without the "miss yous" and "love yous" of course. I know I need to be firm and put a stop to it. But it's just so difficult and painful to cut off messaging this person that I have been doing so for the past 7 years so suddenly. But I know I have to do it. How can I go about to tell him that we need to stop communicating unless it's something important, like settling D and repayment of debt? (Yes, I have been helping him to pay off his debts, and he has agreed to pay me back)

He will be passing me some of my stuff in the coming weekend and insisted that he comes over to my place even tho I mentioned that it'll be easier to let go afterwards once he passed my stuff to me if we are in a public space. I don't know, we'll see.

Tell him to let you know when he plans on bringing your stuff back and tell him to leave it in a box outside your door. You can bring it inside after he leaves.

Please walk me through the purpose and intent of love-bombing.

You can Google love-bombing for a longer explanation but it's a tactic to distract you from his behavior (by making you focus on his sweet words instead of his horrible behavior) and reel you back in once he feels you slipping away.

How can I go about to tell him that we need to stop communicating unless it's something important, like settling D and repayment of debt? (Yes, I have been helping him to pay off his debts, and he has agreed to pay me back)

You don't need to tell him anything; you can just refuse to acknowledge his texts or return his phone calls unless they pertain to the divorce.

The trouble is, even when contact starts out pertaining to practical matters regarding the divorce, your WH will inevitably try to weasel in a personal conversation. For that reason, I would simply tell him that you don't want to hear from him anymore and that any divorce-related discussions should go through your attorneys or mediator.

As for his debts, this man has been lying to you and having a relationship with another woman behind your back. What reason do you have to trust that he will repay his debt? Unless this is a debt that you cosigned or could effect your post-divorce credit rating, stop paying. If he balks, tell him his client can pay off his debt. If she won't, tell him to ask her husband.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:07 PM, Monday, August 15th]

There is absolutely nothing vindictive about telling the other partner.

That person deserves agency in his own life. He deserves to make an informed decision with all the information that his partner is withholding. His partner is putting his mental and physical health at risk and he has no idea.

100% tell her partner today. Actions have consequences. Who cares what your cheater thinks about being exposed? These things thrive in the dark. Shine some sunlight on their imaginary fantasy and know you did that man a HUGE favor.

You wish others at the gym would have told you. Do this man the favor those people did not do for you.

On my way out, just want you to know how sorry I am you are now a member of the best club no one wants to join.

Please find the affair partner's husband and inform him about what's going on. He has a right to know he is living a lie.

DO NOT tell your husband you are doing this.

Post as often as you need to.

Sending a huge virtual hug...

I will echo that you are not being vindictive by telling the AP's spouse - I wish someone had told me. That being said, if you are not sure who the AP is then I would not "guess" and contact the potential OBS, when you are not sure. If you find out for 100% sure who the AP is then contact.

I'm honestly stuck on whether I should do it. It is spiteful of me to do so? Am I doing it out for revenge? Will H blame me when turd hits the fan and things don't go well between them because her partner found out? Also, he didn't want to tell me AP's name and was afraid I would stalk her and message her partner. He was afraid of getting caught and he was protective of her. But I managed to persuade him to at least give me the courtesy to know the name of the person who broke our marriage. I did manage to find her on IG, although I'm not 100% whether it is her, and I'm afraid I might ruin a marriage if I tried to contact AP's partner, and it turns out I got the wrong person.

How many people with her first and last name are receiving trainer services from your husband? Just ask the OBS if he's the spouse of so-and-so who goes to such-and-such gym and is being trained by your WH's name. It's just basic human courtesy to let the guy know. Maybe his WW plans to continue the affair, maybe she plans to divorce her BH and take him for big money in the divorce. Who knows? What you do know is that you've been made complicit to the OBS's continued abuse and it's not cool. In terms of is it a vindictive thing to do?.. who cares? That woman is culpable in ending your marriage. You don't owe her a favor.

So sorry you were put in this position. It's a horrible place to be. Just know that you WILL be okay. It's going to take time and it's going to suck, but it is a temporary state of being.

((hugs))

You said yourself that you wished someone at the gym had told you what was going on... why on earth wouldn't you think the OBS feels the same way? TELL OBS ASAP so he can make informed decisions about his own life and health.

ETA: You telling the OBS isn't ruining the marriage. Slutty OW has already destroyed the marriage

[This message edited by Trapped74 at 11:41 PM, Monday, August 15th]

Listen I'm sorry you had to find us but glad you did. He's a proven cheater and liar, moreover he's still living with his parents, which is not an ideal situation after being married for a year so good riddance, he's now a proven cheater and liar, cheaters lie, minimize and trickle truth a lot, you probably just know the tip of the iceberg, what a coincidence this was going to be their first hotel encounter, if there's regular contact and the APs are in close proximity it's typically a PA, make out sessions, parking lot BJs, quickies, etc., again very common, so file for D, tell OBS without warning (regardless of the motives they deserve to know) and get tested for STDs/STIs some diseases could even be transmitted via saliva (kissing) and some could remain dormant for years and early detection typically helps a lot with treatment.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation but I think you made the right decision. If he's not willing to cut off all contact, he's not willing to put you first. There are good guys out there. Don't give up hope. I hope you know that this was not your fault. Things will get better in time. Hugs to you!

Update:

I could only find OBS on Facebook and messaged him there a week ago. Not seen at all so I had given up that he will ever check his Facebook messenger and see my message.

4PM - WH and I spoke today and he is more certain in reconciliation. This time, he said he will go NC with AP, and is even open to the idea of MC and reading SI's resource on reconciliation recovery plan. He will be an open book, he will give me his schedule, and I can check him anytime.

The 0% chance has risen up to 50%, I was reconsidering, seeing how remorseful he seemed, and how much he wants to work it out. We hugged before he left and we held each other for a long time, he sobbed really badly. The worst I've seen in the 7 years I've known him. I think he must have felt deep remorse and guilt, and also a slight sense of relief that he has not entirely lost me, that we might stand a chance again. I couldn't find the tears to cry, I was still numb, but I just held on to his warmth and comforted him as he sobbed. I became a little more hopeful that it might actually work out.

2AM - Then, OBS responded. So he was empathetic of the situation and was really glad that I told him about it as AP and OBS were going to D and are separating. He mentioned that AP has lied many times in the marriage, and was caught sending nudes to a wedding photographer. My heart sunk. Now I start to think that WH was not ENTIRELY HONEST with me, even though I have asked multiple times and he assured me that nothing physical or things like sexting has gone on between them. I have every reason to believe that AP might have sent nudes and sweet nothings to seduce him, and is capable of doing WHATEVER just to fulfill her selfish needs. OBS has offered to check her phone for more evidence, as we also suspect that AP is cheating on OBS with multiple partners, not just WH.

It's 5AM now and I can't sleep. It's been hell of a roller coaster ride. Earlier in the day I thought I saw hope and maybe a better future together and now I feel like that new-found hope is broken right infront of me. I REALLY WANT TO BELIEVE MY H because we agreed that the first step of reconciliation is full transparency. But if I found out that he has lied or is TT-ing, I'm getting the f out of there. I can't tolerate lies anymore.

I'm praying anxiously OBS finds evidence, whether good or bad. So that I can make an informed decision on reconciliation. I can't sleep, I can't stop thinking . I want so badly to believe the person I knew will not betray my trust twice.

[This message edited by hermasquerade at 10:24 PM, Thursday, August 25th]

This is not going to sink in for a while because your heart has been crushed, you’re in terrible pain and shock and your faith in mankind has been completely upended but…

THANK GOD and everything holy that you discovered this now before you’re in an insane mortgage-that you would certainly be upside down in, and three kids later!

Make a sacrifice of thanks to the Gods right now. Stick an effigy of the AP into the whirling spokes of a spin-bike then smash it with a 45 lbs dumbbell, then throw the remnants into a Ninja blender with almond milk, 25 grams whey protein powder, wheat grass, frozen mangoes and plain Greek yogurt, blend on high for 30 minutes, and hand it to your WH after a hard day at the gym-work I mean.

Then down the road find you a guy who doesn’t still live with Mom and sleeps in a twin bed with the Spider-Man sheets pushed up against the wall of his childhood bedroom.

**Edited due to many anxiety induced typos

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 11:35 PM, Thursday, August 25th]

even open to the idea of MC and reading SI's resource on reconciliation recovery plan.

I would caution you in regard to MC. Marriage and YOU were not a problem and didn't cause his actions and behavior. If there is even a slim chance of R, he needs to find IC specializing in infidelity and work hard on fixing himself to rewire his brain to live his life consciously. Even if you decide not to R, IC still benefit your WS as the same behavioral and mental patterns tend to continue from relationship to relationship.

Strength to you, and hopefully you'll get definitive answers from the OBS...

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 2:57 PM, Friday, August 26th]

Thanks for all your concern and replies.

Here is probably the last update for this thread:

So OBS confronted AP and she confessed. I then found out WH was lying all along and minimized the severity of the affair. WH and AP went to the hotel TWICE, and were planning on the third time just when I found out. Physically cheating is out of the limits of what I can accept. I confronted him with the evidence and he admitted to everything. Told me the dates when it happened. The most disgusting, incomprehensible thing I realized was that we had celebrated our 7th year anniversary with a nice dinner date this August, and the very next day they actually went a hotel to have the A. This broke me so bad. I had been feeling numb ever since DD but even the pain had broken through my numbness and it hurts so so so bad. I felt so confused, shocked, in disbelief, so disappointed - just many other feelings altogether.

I just can't comprehend how EXTREMELY SELFISH WH has been, to try to convince me to reconcile, and sway me with saying that he still loves me very much, after all the disgusting things he did. I don't feel like I know this person anymore.

I ended things right there. No chance, no gap for consideration. It's over.

Why do people go to such extent to hurt each other, I will never understand.

So that's the update. For now, my healing journey is to see a therapist, leave it all behind me, and move on. Focus on me.

I deserve better.

[This message edited by hermasquerade at 5:24 PM, Saturday, August 27th]

I'm so sorry. For what it's worth, I don't think your decision is hasty or wrong. The guy didn't make it a year before he started cheating. Marriage should be a sacred commitment, and his word meant nothing.

((hugs))

I am very sorry you are going through this. I also believe you are making the right decision for you. To answer your rhetorical question: He may not have gone to this extent to specifically hurt you. He is supremely selfish and entitled and does what he wants, AND he doesn’t care if you are hurt along the way. That’s the difference. You need to focus on you and heal. Take care of you. Always value yourself, and remember you are the prize. I would advise no contact except on D details if necessary. No contact equals no new hurts. If you do have to converse, become a gray rock. Do not engage. Good luck.