SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have told my family we’re divorcing and told some of our friends. He’s still denying an affair despite evidence and has an idea that we can continue to live in the same house until our son graduates. He says he’ll sleep in the outside room. I thought it was time to tell the kids ( 16 & 18). I told WH I was going to tell them we were divorcing because of an affair. He said if I said that he’d tell them every drunken stupid thing I’d done in the last 22 years. I told them we were divorcing from an affair and that I was sorry but I couldn’t keep living with their dad. True to his word he told them things I’m ashamed of, things from before we were married.

I left while he was talking and I told them not to trust what was being said. When I came back they were both in tears. My DD18 left for a friend’s house. I found DS wrapped in a blanket in the dark in his room. To say it didn’t go well is an understatement.

WH then asked if I was divorcing because I was having an affair (no, bastard, you are). He’s retired but started a PT job last year and tonight he quit it ( lowering his income).

What a piece of work. He did sign the mediation agreement after much foot dragging and now he’s gone eerily calm and explained all the finances to me, made sure I could access all accounts and printed everything up.

I’ve had worse nights in my life only because I’ve had terrible things happen (DD almost died at 8 and I was given a 6 mos to live cancer diagnosis 14 yrs ago). But this was bad bad bad.

I think he's told you everything you need to know about the state of his remorse.

I think he's told you everything you need to know about the state of his remorse.

This!

And I see the Assholery Manipulation Game is strong with him. You, however, are under no obligation to play. Stay Strong.

And a Chaos-ism. Document everything. Every Assholery thing he does. Keep it in a safe place and keep a copy somewhere. Sometimes those ex police types can be extra dickish due to them knowing the system. Luck favors the prepared.

Stay strong. Keep posting. Take care of yourself.

He has no remorse because he says he wasn’t having an affair. He asked the woman to meet him at a bar because " he was planning to set her up with his ( also married ) friend." He erased all her texts because " he knew I would blow it out of proportion". So per him I am the one ruining our finances and destroying our family for no good reason.

He is upset that I would tell my friends and family that we are divorcing because he cheated again when he " never did anything". He offered to call AP so I could ask her myself. I don’t know how he still has her # though when he deleted her contact info off his phone…..

The display in front of our kids was something a psychopath would do, something’s clearly not right with him. It’s unsettling to say the least.

Like my mother, kids, my best friend wouldn’t want to know why we are divorcing now, after 22 years. I’m just supposed to keep his dirty little secret and look like a homewrecker.

We’ll start mediation. The attorney who recommended the mediator suggested I go to our bank and set up a new account, transfer our savings. Maybe this is standard advice? I’m sure she knows what she’s talking about but he’s scaring me now, can’t imagine if I did that. Clearly he has no regard for me or the kids’ mental health.

Sometimes I am taken aback at how I can have such a strong emotional response to an anonymous post on a message board. Dropped, your post has me absolutely fuming. He thought he could extort you into keeping his secret. He just showed that he has no bounds to his manipulation. This means, you can absolutely trust your gut (in case you had any doubt). Be careful, once he sees rage is not working, he may flip to charm or pity, but you already know that these are all ploys to try to get you back in his pocket.

I am so sorry this is happening, Dropped. But you are NO fool. You see this situation for what it is and it takes incredible strength to move forward. I have a feeling his little stunt with the kids is going to have quite the opposite effect. Kids (or young adults, really) are not idiots and will be able to work out the reality of the situation on their own. Be the sane parent! Do not get drawn into his games and he will show his own ass.

(((((Hugs)))))

[This message edited by BigMammaJamma at 3:03 PM, Friday, August 12th]

Thank you. I appreciate an outside perspective more than ever. The kids will both be staying with friends this weekend, they don’t want to see either of us. I don’t know how much harm he’s done.

Extortion is the word for it. He’s upset that I’m telling my family and friends that we’re divorcing because I caught him again but frankly they all wanted me to divorce him 10 years ago. They know I sacrificed a lot of my sanity to stay because I thought it was better for the kids.

He projects the image of religious family man. Argues with our gay daughter that gay marriage isn’t what God intended, wants to pull our son out of his senior year at Catholic school because they’re " too woke", so he can’t have people hearing that he’d have an affair.

I wouldn't try to mediation with a vindictive psychopath like your husband. He hurt your kids to hurt you. He is already doing shady crap like quitting his job to lower his post-divorce financial obligations. You're already afraid of him.

You need a proper divorce lawyer to fight for you.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:42 PM, Friday, August 12th]

I feel compelled to add - do NOT be afraid to 911 him if he goes off the rails. He may escalate to violence as a form of manipulation. Even if not physically on you - rage smashing, etc. Do not be afraid. IDGAF is he is a former police and he has friends blah blah blah [and he will use all of that].

If he escalates - protect yourself and your children.

I hope I am overreacting here. But just in case...

The display in front of our kids was something a psychopath would do, something’s clearly not right with him. It’s unsettling to say the least.

He's reacting like a wounded animal would, though a wounded animal would have more right to behave that way.

Clearly not remorseful else he would be far more interested in helping you and your trauma.

I suspect that he feels he got away with it the first time.

Just watch your back - he has already taken vengeful steps. He's making his current mindset clearer - entitlement.

Thank you. I appreciate an outside perspective more than ever. The kids will both be staying with friends this weekend, they don’t want to see either of us. I don’t know how much harm he’s done.

Extortion is the word for it. He’s upset that I’m telling my family and friends that we’re divorcing because I caught him again but frankly they all wanted me to divorce him 10 years ago. They know I sacrificed a lot of my sanity to stay because I thought it was better for the kids.

He projects the image of religious family man. Argues with our gay daughter that gay marriage isn’t what God intended, wants to pull our son out of his senior year at Catholic school because they’re " too woke", so he can’t have people hearing that he’d have an affair.

[This message edited by DroppedShoe at 3:30 PM, Friday, August 12th]

He projects the image of religious family man. Argues with our gay daughter that gay marriage isn’t what God intended, wants to pull our son out of his senior year at Catholic school because they’re " too woke", so he can’t have people hearing that he’d have an affair.

He's quite the hypocrite, isn't he?

What an entitled tool.

Cheaters lie and lie and lie. You know he’s lying and not looking to set his friend up with the AP.

He’s lying by omission too. He hid the texts and all communication because HE’S CHEATING!! 😡👍🏻

His retaliation is that of a sad pathetic man-child. He chose to wound and injure his children rather than confess he’s cheating. Wow! How selfish can he be?

I’m sorry for you and your kids. You now know he’s a pathological liar AND serial cheater and egotistical jerk who only thinks of himself.

Do you have a counselor for yourself? Maybe get one for the kids as well. It can’t hurt - and may help them process this pain and trauma.

He offered to call AP so I could ask her myself.

Mine did that one too. I had caught him doing some spending before dday and when I asked him about it, he went totally off the rails, stomping through the house and insisting that he wasn't doing anything wrong. Turned out that the spending was on one of three OW and that she most definitely WOULD have lied about it because both her *AND* her husband were involved. Apparently, he had some sort of fetish and he liked to watch..

Your WH knew what he was doing was cheating because he hid it from you. When caught, he went out of his way to delete the evidence. Whether he actually got in her pants or not is immaterial. He engaged in these behaviors behind your back FOR A REASON and the reason is that he knew he was wrong. He has demonstrably not learned a damned thing in the ensuing years between his last dday and this one because he apparently had NOT learned that adultery is bad. The excuse he's landed upon condemns him. If he was an actual recovered WS, it would never have occurred to him to do some kind of matchmaking maneuver with a MARRIED friend. He's a liar and a cheat and instead of feeling some remorse for that, he chose to attack you instead.

I'm so sorry that all this has happened to you, and I do agree that you should take the greatest care if you decide to go forward with mediation. I think you'd be very wise to have a separate attorney look it over so nothing is missed.

((hugs))

Good God. If ever I've seen a poster making the absolute right decision, it's you, right now. Divorcing him is the absolute right decision. To hurt the kids like that... I can't.

I tried putting myself in his shoes in the event he is telling the truth (he is not). I would be beside myself if my spouse thought I was having an affair and BEREFT if he asked for a divorce over a crime I didn't commit. I would be doing anything and everything to prove myself and make my spouse feel safe.

The LAST thing I would do is attack my spouse and then my own children (he's assaulted them emotionally and done untold damage). That is not the act of an innocent person committed to their marriage and family Frankly, it's the act of an absolute self centered entitled ass.

Keep moving forward. Protect your assets. Keep a VAR on you for any abuse, if legal in your state. Focus on your kids.

I won't tell you how to parent but at that age, honesty from you would probably go a long way. We've all made mistakes. You've been a good mom and loved them wholly. They won't die from finding out your human. The wound they have now relates to being put in the middle of this divorce and seeing their Dad attack their mother.

DroppedShoe,
Your WH is frightening. I hope I'm not being alarming, but the situation can escalate.

The display in front of our kids was something a psychopath would do, something’s clearly not right with him. It’s unsettling to say the least.

YES!

I agree with BluerThanBlue that

He hurt your kids to hurt you.

and TheEnd that

The LAST thing I would do is attack my spouse and then my own children (he's assaulted them emotionally and done untold damage).

I am glad that your children are spending the weekend elsewhere to get a break. Do YOU have a place to go? It might be good for you to get away this weekend.

There have cases here of BS/WS where the WS is similar, and it gets scary. One BS here was named ScoobyDoo. I don't have any psychology training and can't define exactly what is scary in the attitude of the WS, but one thing is that they don't see their spouse/children/family as individuals with their own feelings/beliefs/rights. They see them as possessions or entitlements or extensions. Your wrote this:

per him I am the one ruining our finances and destroying our family

I don't doubt he feels that you are 100% at fault for what he sees as problems for him. That's scary.

Did your attorney ask you to put 1/2 of your savings/investments in an account with only your access? That sounds like a good idea.

You are doing great. I also agree with this.

I won't tell you how to parent but at that age, honesty from you would probably go a long way. We've all made mistakes. You've been a good mom and loved them wholly. They won't die from finding out your human. The wound they have now relates to being put in the middle of this divorce and seeing their Dad attack their mother.

I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best.

This makes me viscerally angry for you. He has some balls.
Please make sure that you spend some one on one time w/ your kids this weekend, and be completely honest about whatever he spewed. I'm sure it's not even close to the BS he has pulled.

If you work and your job has EAP/Emergency Services program, reach out and see if you can get those kids a couple of sessions with a therapist in the next week or two. This is going to be hard with school starting up. Having a neutral third party that is trained in talking to kids about this can be extremely helpful in allowing them to adjust to this change in a healthy manner.

As for your STBX, you need to watch your steps. He wanted to mediate, but then the gloves came off last night and his actions clearly didn't match his words. You need to keep a VAR on you at all times. You need to get him out of your bed, or you need to set up a new place for you to sleep in the home if he is unwilling to leave it. If he does ANYTHING threatening, remember what he did yesterday and go file a restraining order on him ASAP. Seriously. That kind of behavior isn't ok. It is abusive to you and your kids.

You clearly are left to be the one in the drivers seat keeping a safe place for them to fall, and for sanity. Be their champion now mom. You got this.

Again, I appreciate every comment. It is wearing to hear him keep blaming me. It’s tough to be in the middle. I’ll ask my kids about a counselor. It would be good for them.

I didn’t put 1/2 the money in a separate account, I think that would really set him off. I have let him control all the finances and today I called the bank to arrange a wire transfer to the divorce attorney. They emailed me a form that I had a couple of questions about. The guy who took my call wouldn’t answer my questions even though my name is on the account and I sent him my ID. WH has all the authorized phone numbers, the guy asked me if we were separating. I’m furious. So what if we are???? This is my account with my name and my money. When I do separate my account I’m letting the supervisor know why I’m taking my business elsewhere.

So did the transfer go through? I don’t know. They had to use one of the "official" phone numbers to confirm.

Here’s my question: if I’m suddenly such an awful person then why is he fighting the divorce?? I’m so mad about the bank and about my kids I could scream! I almost cried but he’s still not worth a tear.

I have print-outs of all of our accounts, passwords, etc. I’ll know if he takes anything. Fortunately my family will help out if anything happens to the accounts and the mediator assured me he would lose his %.

As far as the part-time job he quit last night ( did I mention that?). He says he still needs to tie up some things so he’ll still go in the office. He asked not to get paid but the boss/his drinking buddy said they weren’t allowed to do that but they’d pay minimum wage instead. Unbelievable. All to screw me. And I was friends with the boss.

Tonight I’m going to dinner with my son and taking a short (distance) but long ( trafficky) car ride to his camping trip so he can talk if he wants. I don’t think he’ll want to, whatever WH told him embarrassed him, he doesn’t want to look at me.

Despite all this I’m still going to work, cracking jokes, planning to make mai tais and swim at a friend’s house, go out to lunch with his aunt-relax while kids are out. Hoping you all have a good weekend too.

I'd like to maybe take the edge off of one of the issues you are rightly incensed about. The bank. I handled the finances for the city I live in for 20 years, and I can assure you the bank is asking these questions to protect your money. I cannot tell you how many times I got emails from "employees" asking to change their direct deposit information, and it was bogus so the employee's paycheck would be rerouted to a bogus account.

Wire instructions go through special scrutiny, because anyone who gets ahold of your bank routing number and account number can drain your account. When I transferred money from our state account to our city's account, our bank called me every time to verify that I had authorized the transaction, as well as outgoing transactions. I totally understand how you felt doubted and under attack. But that may have just been bank policy, which in normal circumstances is good policy.

Tonight I’m going to dinner with my son and taking a short (distance) but long ( trafficky) car ride to his camping trip so he can talk if he wants. I don’t think he’ll want to, whatever WH told him embarrassed him, he doesn’t want to look at me.

Ask him what your WH told him. The alternative is that whatever your WH said and whatever spin he put on it will stand in perpetuity. No matter how uncomfortable a discussion might be, it's got to be better than the alternative, right? Kids find out that we're not perfect. That's just life. Showing them how we deal with that though can be a teaching moment.

He’s irate b/c you are D him and it was not his idea.

He’s irate b/c you are making him look bad. 🤪

He’s irate b/c he’s not in control of things anymore.

He’s irate b/c he’s going to lose his easy very comfortable lifestyle.

He’s irate b/c he knows he will have to pay you alimony and child support.

Need me to go on?