SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There is no right answer. It’s a day fraught with painful truths and unspoken emotional expectations. It’s a set up for failure.

There is nothing my WH can do right for this holiday. No gifts, no card, no nothing. He could anticipate the difficulty for me, though, and be patient and kind as I’m navigating this stormy day.

SMH.

He could anticipate the difficulty for me, though, and be patient and kind

Mine has the same malfunction.

Since DDay valentines day is ignored in this house.. We will help the kids celebrate it if necessary.. But for my WW and I it is a dead day.

I would go all out for her with minimal in return.. Whilst she went all out for AP.. she can never make that up to me.. So i rugsweep that day like a MF.. No cards.. Gifts.. Flowers etc. It will just be a monday for me. It is a serious trigger day for me.. And I bet for alot of BS.. would be nice to know if any of you have any working solutions to getting past this day?

We ignored it the first one after Dday. The second one after Dday I used it to show my appreciation for hard work in R and for our family.

During the 2020 lock downs, she homeschooled the kids and continued training her fitness clients on Zoom. She worked very hard and I showed my appreciation. What I won’t do is, lovey, dovey, you’re the greatest, soulmate, blah, blah, blah. I just can’t yet.

I made an effort after D-Day v1.0. It was met with a big fat 0 on her end. Made no effort year 2. That was followed up with D-Day v2.0. I have made 0 effort ever since. Not even a card. Her effort has been the same.

I get things for the kids (fun little stuff like the school-type Valentines cards and a chocolate bar they each like). Aside from that, none of it has been worth my efforts.

Perhaps this year will be different.

A Cub fan always has hope.

The worst part of Valentine's Day is that the week before the event it's everywhere - there is no way to really ignore the day. It probably doesn't hurt that dday is 8 days later.

The first year after dday I did my best to ignore Valentine's day. Last year and this year I told WH that I wanted him to get me a present and I wasn't going to get him anything. He totally understood and got me a nice box of chocolates last year. It wasn't exactly a happy day but I think that's the best I could get out of the situation.

I was waiting for a post on this topic. The triggers are all set in place for me this V Day. I'm only about 1.5 months out and every single day has been a struggle. Crying, the mind movies, TTs, looking at him and thinking about what a pathetic loser he is. I still haven't decided on whether to stay or go. I swing between 2 extremes, most days I swing towards a D because I can't imagine living with this pain, with these thoughts, with him around. All the articles I've read online and all the posts on SI have been saying that time heals, but I don't feel much better than the day I found out. Some days even worse. So yea, V Day is shooting an arrow through my heart for the wrong reasons. I feel the extreme pain in my heart. It would have been 19 years since we've been together this V Day. But all that thrown out the windows because of his infidelity and now we're at Year 0 all over again. I wish I could disappear.

I’m now 10 years out. Time just deadens the nerves. It doesn’t heal you.

You’ve got to do that yourself, which is pretty unfair. It’s like operating on yourself for the gunshot wound your partner gives you.
In retrospect, I would have healed faster had I taken time away from my WH. He just had his head so far up his ass, watching him struggle to extract it was a waste of my energy. I could have been doing something worthwhile instead of watching and trying to help him in his self induced shit show.

My best advice is to ignore Valentines Day - advice I give regardless of any A.

To me it’s simply a Hallmark Holiday and has zero meaning in a real relationship. You show your love and affection on one specific day out of the year? Give chocolates, flowers, go out to a packed restaurant on Valentine’s Day with bad service and substandard food? It’s just so cliche.

I realize I’m probably in the minority on this. What I’m saying is try not to expend any energy on this specific trigger. There are plenty of other triggers that are more relevant I’m sure.

Dude67,

My best advice is to ignore Valentines Day - advice I give regardless of any A.

Yes please! Thank you. I have always disliked this holiday.

With young children it's about candy. That's ok, but it's not great.

Early in my marriage was the easiest. I buy him his favorite single malt scotch and maybe a few cigars. He buys me perfume and maybe lingerie. Those last until the next Valentine's Day. But then there's a discussion about going out to dinner. No, too crowded. What about a movie? No, you always fall asleep. (That's me actually.) It feels like we have to falsely make a deal out of a holiday that means nothing.

This year it's after Superbowl Sunday, another celebrated day that I care nothing about and focus on getting to bed at a decent hour.

I still want my husband to go all out, but he has to be understanding that when that day rolls around, I may not be as "appreciative" as he would like.

It would hurt my feelings if he ignored it. But it’s also a pretty triggering day. So I have been honest about that. I try not to be rude, but if he gives me flowers or a gift, and I’m in my feelings about his Affair, he just has to take it on the chin that I’m not going to shower him with appreciation.

What’s funny is, him feeling unappreciated was one of his justifications for his affair. Like him having a secret girlfriend was going to make me want to kiss his ass. 😂

Eventually, and honestly probably here pretty soon, if I want a healthy reconciliation, I will need to change how I interact with him in those moments when he’s making a genuine effort. I’m not quite there yet.

Yeah, I hear you on the "I might not show appreciation" thing.

Right after my DDay, WH stated "I did it because I just needed some affection."

I laughed and said, "Hey, you liking this affection now, bitch?!?!"

Still makes me laugh a little.

I just focus on my kids and my students. I just made cookies for my students and am getting my kids a few little treats together.

I’m not sure what my husband will do. We’re not in a bad place, but I don’t really want to think about it. We weren’t big Valentine’s Day people before his affair, but it still feels awkward, and I kind of wish it didn’t exist.

His affair started right before Valentine’s Day two years ago. He and his affair partner traveled together for work in January, and in early February they kicked off the affair in earnest with a long phone call where they gushed to each other about how they couldn’t stop thinking about each other. Instead of using that moment to turn away from each other and toward their spouses, they chose the road of deceit and infidelity.

I had no idea, of course. I had been holding the fort down solo while he was gone and I was in the midst of an incredibly stressful season with my job—the pressure was insane. Added to that, we were dealing with/caring for a terminally ill family member.

As Valentine’s Day approached, I suggested that we not worry about planning anything and instead have a nice date after a few weeks when we weren’t dealing with so much. Oh, the irony.

The thing is, I actually did plan the nice date—I bought tickets to hear one of our favorite artists, and we went out to eat and had what I thought was a really nice time. Great sex afterwards, the whole shebang.

One of the most painful things I discovered on D-day was an email he wrote her that afternoon cautioning her not to text because it would pop up in the car while we were out together. Then another email, when we arrived home, telling her good night.

This is the kind of shit I have accepted, but will never understand. How do people live with that level of deceit and compartmentalization, or whatever it is? How do you go on a long,intimate date, including sex, with your spouse while you’re doing this other side shit?

Lord, I shouldn’t have let myself go down this thought path. We are actually doing pretty well, but some of these memories are still really painful.

The worst part of Valentine's Day is that the week before the event it's everywhere - there is no way to really ignore the day.

This is how I feel about the commercials before Mother's Day. It is so hard to watch them when I don't have my Beloved Mama here anymore .

Valentine's Day doesn't suck for me now. That's not what this thread is about though...so I will just leave it at that .

I sincerely hope everyone can find some way to have peace on February 14th...and every day after .

Something I don't think I've shared in this forum is that V-day is also my B-day.

Dday #1 was Feb 7 (2020), when I noticed suspicious phone behavior, saw a flirty message, and confronted. FWH denied, denied, denied. We were on a family trip with the kids and then got snowed into a different city on the way home and had to spend an extra night in a hotel room all together (me, WH, 2 kids, my strong suspicions)...so pure torture.

Dday #2 was Feb 12 (2020), when I got the courage to reach out to OW that fWH denied was more than a casual FB friend.
She was single and he'd catfished her. She had no idea he was married and she'd had been cheated on by her own XH...so she was very forthcoming.

So, 2 days before V-day and my B-Day, I'm receiving confirmation from the OW. She agrees to send me screenshots of his Messenger communication, but says that she deleted his D-pic... so she can't send that.

I was shaking so badly that my responses were riddled with typos.

As you might imagine, I confronted again. And he had the unmitigated nerve to initially try to deny again! When I mentioned that she was sending the screenshots, he ultimately told me a bit more than even her screenshots revealed (like videos send by both of them).

2 days before V-day and my B-day (2 years ago), I learned with absolute certainty that my H would send D pics, sexual messages, and masterbation vids to another woman.
I learned he would lie straight to my face when I asked him QUITE CALMLY (truly!) what the nature of their relationship was and assured him I was ready for any answer, but the TRUTH was what I NEEDED.
I learned that he could get indignant that I was still suspicious and manipulate me into feeling guilty about my suspicions. And then to initiate "make up sex" (and GET make up sex) because I felt guilty.

All of the above emotional abuse was on Feb 9--3 days before I found the courage to trust my gut and reach out to the OW.

It took absolutely everything I had to get through that first V-day. It's a blur, except the negative feelings and how hard I had to try to hold my shit together in front of extended family and my kids as they celebrated my B-day.

My WH's "job" each year has been to support me, cover for me if I act weird or fall apart (this support hasn't been needed in front of others yet), and check in with me frequently.

That first year I said to WH: NO gifts come from you. As far as I'm concerned, ALL gifts are from our kids. NO card from him either. He did respect what I asked, which I appreciated.

Since then, I just keep the V-day celebrations low key. I honestly don't remember last year at all--except the effort it took to get through the D-day antiversaries and my own B-day.

Like other posters, I've either avoided getting cards and gifts for fWH on V-day (the first 2 holidays) or have gone with a blank card that I write in (this year).

This year, I'm capable of writing something nice and, yet, truthful.

I just cannot. cannot. buy a card that says things like "every year gets better" or "each year our love grows stronger" or "you've always supported me," etc, etc. Nope. Not true.

We are better than 2 years ago. Better than last year. But we have a ways to go before I would say we are reconciled.

BreakingBad...that is a huge double whammy for this day . The world IS a better place with YOU in it Dear Lady...so I sincerely wish you a Happy Birthday (((HUGS))).

Breaking - yeah, that sucks.

VD day is particularly bad in retrospect after we find out about the A.

We then realize, it was mostly about a special gift, a sex gift, for the lusty horny lover and then they return to the BS.

And the BS are then made to know how loved they are!

They always do something "extra special" to please the AP.

It's about "building memories". Nothing but the best for "the special one".

Besides, the AP wants us so, and they Luv us so.

And then, with a smile, after they gargle and return to tell you how special you are.

And then, you "find out".

Most of these A are built on fraud, deception, fake feelings and the worst of lies.

Most these WS who think it's love should know it's about they're very available for sex.

They're suckers and fall for all that fake stuff (they need a reason to do what they do, to justify it).

That's always worth a few ILU, nice mushy talk, "you're the best there is".

Now, come over here, we have this sex stuff all planned I'm looking forward to: It's VD.

[This message edited by rugswept at 1:59 PM, Monday, February 14th]

I ignore it. My WH ignores that it's a problem day. Tomorrow is the anniversary of our first date. I ignore that too.

I hate Valentine's Day.

"Always" and "Forever" are just crap.

I have a question for some of you ladies who have posted here. It appears that most of you are still in the marriage and going through R. And yet, even after 2 years, 5 years, 10 years out, the R is still such a struggle and an ongoing effort on the part of the BS. I get that things need time to be rebuilt again but I'm usually very impatient and it honestly scares me when I read about how long I would probably have to be in this shithole; ruminating, repeating those mind movies, looking at WH and thinking about what a pathetic loser and piece of shit he is to do what he has done. It scares me to think that I'd have to be stuck in this rut, being unhappy, trying hard to find that happiness again for as long as I don't heal.

How long do we even wait to make R work before knowing when to call it quits? Life is too short to be so miserable, even while in R. I look at myself everyday now and I feel bad even for myself at how I have turned out. I used to be in so much control over things and this asshole ruined everything and made me this way. Out of control, emotionally unstable, that's how I've been and I feel so very guilty about not being able to function 100% for my kids. They see me struggle everyday, they see me having long talks with the shithead WS, they see me calling him names and yelling at him. I can't help it. I'm angry, upset, hurt, sad. This is how I'm trying to heal but I hate it. It's only been 1.5 months. I can only hope and pray with all my heart that things can get better, faster.

I read some of the success stories in the forum. And forgive me for being such a skeptic but I've been wondering how can there be people who are so in love with their WS after getting their back stabbed and left for dead. Right now, reading all of these stories don't even make me feel better unfortunately. Because all I think about is how they can't be real. I see no hope in loving him again. At this point, I feel like if I did stay, I'm only doing it for the kids and it really saddens me to no end that this is the life I have. Fml.

Sigh. Perhaps this is the unstable side of me talking. Everything is still so very raw. I hope and pray that once I'm more emotionally stable that I can make the best decision for myself and the kids. Until then, I honestly can only see dark days ahead.