SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

V-day is a huge trigger for me. I found a collage of pics she sent him and in one of them it seemed like she had bough him chocolates for vday. I refused to let them steal anymore of my time and experiences. Even thought I am super triggered, I made him a nice basket and even got him a card. I still cannot give him a mushy card professing my love for ever. all I can say to him is that I see his growth and I will always be his family. We share a child so we will be in each others lives regardless of what happens because I will never put my child in the middle even as an adult. I'm trying to replace crappy memories with good ones, hope it works.

FML

WH decided it would be fun to go out tonight. So he bought tickets for an event at his favorite brewery. I don't drink.

So yay. Lovey-dovey other couples and a designated driver. Wheeee.

I’m another one that no longer celebrates Valentine’s Day.

DDays w/same LTAP, a Cease and Desist in 2021 due to LTAPs cyber stalking, life mimicking and trying to reach out, combined that this (of all days) is LTAP birthday = HELL NO!

I despise this day so much I can’t even buy the chocolate in it Valentine Day packaging even at 75% off 🤮

So far WH has not mentioned it. Which is good. Some things are collateral damage. Law of Unintended Consequences.

I read some of the success stories in the forum. And forgive me for being such a skeptic but I've been wondering how can there be people who are so in love with their WS after getting their back stabbed and left for dead....Because all I think about is how they can't be real.

Most of the stories are probably very real - there's no point in lying on an anonymous Internet forum.

Start by defining success. IMO, it's not R or D - it's surviving and thriving after being betrayed. Some people R and build new joyful Ms. Some people choose R, and it doesn't work out, so they D and build themselves a new, good life. Some people just choose D and build themselves new, joyful lives. Those all qualify as success, at least IMO.

Some people choose R and stay together without resolving issues. Some people D without resolving their A-related issues. Those are failures, IMO. They can become successes by resolving the issues that remain, but they're failures, IMO, as long as the issues around the infidelity are stuffed and unresolved.

Some people stay together without R and without D. They may stay to raise kids or for financial reasons or for some other reason. They've survived and made lives for themselves that they've chosen consciously. I may disagree with some of their choices - but they know themselves and their circumstances much better than I do. I believe wholeheartedly that making and accepting one's own conscious choices is the hallmark of success.

IOW, if the BS heals, the BS has succeeded. The BS has survived infidelity and thrived.

I chose R because I saw my W's A as a sickness and I couldn't bring myself to dump her while she was sick, nor did I want to violate my commitment. Also we had built a lot of healthy bonds in our 40+ years together, and I saw a WS who would change from cheater to good partner. We've rebuilt our M. That's 2+ successes - 1) I've healed; 2) my W - my fWS - continues to work on her own healing; 3) we've healed our M.

Other people have chosen R for reasons other than mine and healed themselves. That's success in my book.

But I urge you not to doubt the reports of success in healing. Virtually all of us have the resources we need to heal ourselves after infidelity has screwed up our relationships.

I used to write a poem for her birthday, highlighting (what I thought was) tranquil grace.
I used to create a big celebration for our wedding anniversary.
I used to go all out for a romantic dinner around Valentine's day.

I don't do these things anymore, 10 years since her PA. My WW just purchased some chocolates and said they were for Valentine's day. I thanked her for the treat, which is the same as I would have done any other day.

Tara, thank you for your post. It has a strength, honesty, and maturity that I hope to replicate.

I’m hiding out in my craft room as I don’t want to be around H tonight. I made a candy bouquet for H. He didn’t do a dammed thing for me. He knew I was expecting something…..anything. Nothing big, hell just a single flower to show he thought about me and put in some effort. I freaking hate this day! It’s just like one more twist of the knife

It's a "big" year, in terms of antiversaries. This year, valentine's day marks 15 years from DDay 1. In another month or so, it's 5 years from DDay2.

We exchange cards.

It's nothing more than another day. Which, we're in the season of life where everything is the grind..in terms of job and raising our kids. So, the fact that it doesn't mean much anymore doesn't matter quite so much.

We are about 20 years from DDay 2, five years from the end of massive rugsweeping, and about 2 years from her truly and finally "getting it" after I got to the point of throwing in the towel. She was a serial cheater back in the day.

Now she is awesome. She totally changed and has been consistent for two years. I decided to stay and make the best of it. I decided that means no longer punishing her. She punishes herself more than I ever could or would anyway.

I also decided to be the best husband I can be. That is for myself, but she does benefit.

We had a Valentines weekend. We exchanged gifts on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. On Valentines Day we went to a special Valentines dinner. Then when we got home we played strip poker using the chocolate poker chip set she got me. Then, well, you know…

It was a great Valentines Day and night and weekend.

This works for me and for us. I still have moments of pain, but overall I am very happy.

Best wishes to all in your healing and reconciliation. It can happen.

I kinda waited for V-day to pass to post anything.

I had a plan, but failed to execute twice, by not quite planning enough. First I made reservations at a pretty nice restaurant, but they cancelled them because they decided to not be open for V-Day. Weird, but OK.

I was going to get a nice roast at the butcher. Turns out they closed too. They are usually open on Monday, so I didn't really expect it, but I also didn't call ahead.

I was going to get flowers, candy, and a card to go with the roast but I was kinda feeling put off about it between the plans not working out, and my wife not really seeming to give any sort of shit about it herself.

I made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner and we just ate as a family.

After dinner she went back to work. I played video games with the boys, helped them get ready for bed, then played some games on my own.

She came to bed, scrolled infinitely for a while then asked me how many games I had played. I told her, "I don't know, I didn't count? How many things did you scroll through? Do you actually want to do something with me? You haven't suggested a specific show or activity. You didn't seem to care that my plans fell through. I don't even know if you give a shit."

She comes back with, "When was the last time you did dishes?" Which to be fair was about a week ago.

I just said, "I'm not trying to start a fight here, you just didn't seem interested and then you were nagging me about how I spent my free time."

She says, "Ok, I'm also not trying to start a fight. The video games just annoy me sometimes but I know it's something you enjoy. Can we just cuddle and watch a show?"

I say sure. We cuddled and watched a show. Brushed our teeth and went to bed.

She did not get me anything (not that I got her anything by the end of it). She didn't really try to be sexy or especially loving.

Overall, I don't think the day "sucked" but it certainly wasn't special. Probably without the expectations of V-day it would have been a normal/mediocre day. With the expectations, pretty weak.

Maybe just a hangover from a pretty good Superbowl party we threw the day before though.