SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Something powerful happened in my family recently and I hope it helps the BS here.

My uncle Rod was the oldest of 5. My mother was 2nd oldest. Rod had to be first in everything. Married first, kids first, graduated first etc. His ego was huge.
Back in the early 90’s my grandparents went to visit him in his home in Lincoln, Nebraska. Idk why this happened as I wasn’t there, but a disagreement occurred and my uncle slugged my grandpa in the face and told him to get out of his house. My family immediately hated him. "Let him rot in hell!" He’s a piece of shit! It’s been that way ever since I can remember.

I didn’t see my 2 cousins from their side from that point on except for 2 times: my grandpa’s funeral in 2008 and my grandma’s 3 months ago.

After going through my grandparents items to divvy out to family, they noticed a locked box that was not labeled. Nobody had seen it before so everyone was curious what it was. They opened it and saw something that made all of my aunts cry: it was over 200 letters. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries. All of them sent by my grandparents to my uncle Rod and never opened. They were all labeled "return to sender".

My grandparents forgave him after a couple years and tried to reconcile but he never forgave them after 30 years. 30 years of being angry, bitter, letting the past rule your life.

My message here, and one I saw, was that if you are a BS you need to at some point let go and truly forgive. Let the pst stay where it belongs and look ahead to a bright future. Don’t waste your life being upset or fearful of someone else betraying you. That’s no way to live.

I know this is hard to hear, but if you can’t do that then please divorce. For you and them. And that’s okay if that’s your path. If a WS is truly repentant and begs for forgiveness and improves themself, then at some point life has to go on. It’s not fair to them or you to hang this over their head until you die. It’s not a good way to live.

I hope this can help those in the same positionI am in. All I can say is that this truly has helped me see how powerful forgiveness really is.

I agree with the spirit of your post.

I would add that the "when" of forgiveness and the "what" forgiveness might look like varies greatly from situation to situation.

My WH is repentent...now.
Yet, I had to catch him; he did not confess. He trickle-truthed for months after Dday 1..and has shaken my faith about whether or not I really know it all--even now.

My WH was great at setting up IC and MC from the get go. Yet, he he was denying and holding back info for months in and out of MC--even as he swore I knew it all.
He seems to be engaging authenticly now.

He reads, journals, and watches helpful videos that are getting to the heart of his "whys" and his FOO. Yet, for the first year and a half, I made the mistake of playing the role of manager in his healing and our healing as a couple--finding the resources and encouraging him to engage--basically spoon feeding. He let me. My mistake...and his. He didn't step forward and take the reigns until I told him I'd made a mistake in playing cruise director...and I expected him to step up.

So again, I truly agree with the spirit of your post, but forgiveness will happen in one of two ways for me:

I will finally believe and trust that he has made true, lasting, and important changes that will make him a safe partner.

OR

We will divorce and I will lay it all down as in: "his trustworthiness no longer concerns me and I wish him well as he goes his own way."

But I do agree that, at some point I need to at least release MYSELF from the emotional burden of hurt and mistrust of him that I carry.

Great story. How do you want to live out the rest of your life?

Poor Uncle Rod. He missed out on so much.

Such a moving story...thank you for sharing it . I haven't had anything to do with one of my Uncles for years now. He sexually assaulted me when I was a child. I told my family...but my Uncle was a teenager at the time...so everyone just kind of rugswept it. Not knowing better...I did too. Until he was arrested...as an adult...for sexually abusing his own daughter . It was then that we found out he had been a predator to a lot of us throughout the years . He has never once asked for forgiveness.

I was taught in Catechism that we should forgive our enemies. I definitely consider my Uncle to be an enemy! Trying to forgive him was hard...and I resented him for YEARS. I eventually came to terms with it because I finally realized I could forgive him...and still not have anything to do with him. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. When I forgave him...the built up contempt was gone...and it really HELPED me in moving forward .

I forgave my H early in R. Forgiving the adultery co-conspirator was a whole different story!!! But one day God put it in my heart to start praying for her . It is really hard to hold a grudge against someone you are praying for !! I have forgiven her now though . It is easy for me to say that though because it is highly unlikely that I will ever meet her IRL. The REAL test will come if THAT ever happens!!

If a WS is truly repentant and begs for forgiveness and improves themself, then at some point life has to go on. It’s not fair to them or you to hang this over their head until you die. It’s not a good way to live.

I couldn't agree more .

if you are a BS you need to at some point let go and truly forgive

I'm reconciled. I'm neither bitter,nor am I angry. Dday was 12 years ago.

I have not,and will not,forgive. I've accepted. I've let it go. But I won't forgive.

And that's ok.

Forgiveness isn't a requirement for reconciliation.

There are a lot of long time members who feel the same as I do.

If you want to forgive, that's great.

Not every BS must do so. And telling them they must do so,or divorce? Wow.

I will stay married,thank you very much.

Lots of assumptions in your post. Nothing is held over his head.

By the way, I just asked my husband how he feels about it. He said he understands, what he did was unforgivable. And that he will forever be grateful for my love,understanding,grace,and the second chance I gave him. Then,he asked why I was bringing it up,since it's been several years since I mentioned the betrayal. Lol..sure sounds like he's had it held over his head,doesn't it?

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:29 PM, Thursday, February 10th]

I tend to agree with HellFire.

Forgiveness is a very personal thing. My BH has never said I forgive you to me, and that’s okay. I never asked for his forgiveness. That’s something he will or won’t come to on his own. And if he never does, that’s okay with me. I did something horrible and I totally understand anyone who won’t forgive that. Yet we are in R, still married and my BH is at peace and he’s happy. I love him and he loves me. We are together in everything and we live with honesty, transparency, authenticity and accountability.

He was struggling a lot with the whole forgiveness thing for a long time but he ultimately let go of what he was bottling up inside (he received some life altering advice from my favorite SI aunt that really helped him ). It wasn’t whether he could forgive me or not that was the issue, it was his anger and thoughts that were affecting him. Dealing with that and the issues behind it is what helped him heal.

So I think it’s not about forgiving, but about not staying stuck in limbo. It takes a long time to process and to heal. But if you’re in your M and still have a lot of anger and your WS isn’t doing the work, then you’re still in infidelity. And if you are working on R but are still "holding it over their head" then you still have a lot of work to do for your own benefit. The key is to heal.

I have not,and will not,forgive. I've accepted. I've let it go. But I won't forgive.

And that's ok.

Forgiveness isn't a requirement for reconciliation.

There are a lot of long time members who feel the same as I do.

This is me also. I am several years out from infidelity. The only difference is that I may forgive in the future. I don't know what the future holds. I certainly don't hold it against my wife. But I can't force something(forgiveness) that doesn't come naturally.

My wife also holds the same opinion of Mr. Hellfire and Mrs. Walloped. She's way more upset of what she did to me and herself than any concerns of forgiveness. The past is the past, but it did happen. I am most certain that I have done things that have hurt her in the past. If she chooses not to forgive me for those incidents, that is her choice and her choice only. The reality is that we act....and behave authentically towards one another.....like we are a couple in reconciliation.

Although I did just have an angry call with her a moment ago.....

I actually did forgive him,about a year after dday. Then I found out he was still lying to me.

So..nope

At first, I forgave my wife as a reflex.

But it took a while longer to actually forgive her.

I agree it isn't necessary to recover. There are all kind of ways to heal.

However, forgiveness has taken our relationship to levels I didn't imagine, pre or post A.

On the flip side, my wife hasn't forgiven herself. We're working on that too, since it takes a dent out of her healing (yeah, WS healing is vastly different than what a BS goes through).

My wife has taken my forgiveness and forged it into a powerful, grateful state of mind. It's a last chance she didn't think she would have.

She sees my response to her selfish choices as the most un-selfish move from me.

It set the foundation for what we have now.

Five and a half years later, we're simply kinder to each other than we were at any other stage of our relationship.

Again, forgiveness isn't required, but it was transformative for our recovery.

She sees my response to her selfish choices as the most un-selfish move from me.

It set the foundation for what we have now.

Five and a half years later, we're simply kinder to each other than we were at any other stage of our relationship.

OldWounds,

The loveliest words I've read in a while. If work and recovery go well, this is my goal.

I think we oftentimes confuse "forgive" with "forget". When I hear folks talk about "forgiving" is is often coupled with "moving on" which I typically read as "forgetting".

I would tell you that forgiving is very good and that it aids in reducing/removing bitterness and resentment.

But that doesn't mean that you EVER have to forget and put yourself in the same situation again. In fact, those who choose to "forget" are, in my opinion, simply rugsweeping whatever the issue was and, quite likely, will happen again.

While I can forgive an offense against myself, there are also consequences that ought to follow. "Forgiving" and removing any consequences is what most of our WSs covet. Drop the charges and let me go.

Forgiveness does not have to come without consequence.

So here’s a lesson that was challenging for me.

My MIL shunned me from when we were dating 6 months. She decided she didn’t like me — no reason. We never had an argument. No bad words. This was her MO throughout her life.

After rejecting her only grandchildren my H had enough. He cut all ties and never spoke to her again. Her hatred of his family was the last straw.

She died without ever reconciling or apologizing. She turned the family against us (or tried to) b/c they were all afraid of her wrath.

My H - her favorite son - was the only one to stand up to her.

Soooo…..sometimes in life there are good reasons for an estrangement. It’s unfortunate it has to occur. Like I said we never had an argument with her. But I watched this woman shun her sisters, long time friends, different family members over the years etc. There is something seriously wrong with a person who shuns an innocent baby.

Tough to forgive when they do not apologize or try to make amends. I just try to keep my XWs out of my life as much as possible. They are ,truly, toxic.

I don’t see how not forgiving = hanging it over somebody’s head for the rest of theirs and your life. I don’t forgive my WH at this point, but we get along fine, can have fun, etc. I don’t walk around bitter and angry, taking out the betrayal on the world. I don’t forgive the AP (any of them) yet she takes up via little headspace these days and I never reach out to her. She has zero daily impact on my life.

I went a couple years not talking to my mother when I was younger. She was really pretty horrible to me when I was a kid. Tried to force me to sign up for military service, told anybody and everybody what a horrible child I was all the time, and many other things. I can honestly tell you while I had no interest in talking to her and made no attempt to reconcile, I was not bitter or angry during our time of not talking. I was actually quite at peace with it. Honestly even though she has passed, I wouldn’t say I forgive her. We were closer in the years before her death, but even after she died I got a letter reminding me how horrible I was as a child. As you said, you don’t know what happened between the two of them to cause the issues. Maybe your uncle wasn’t wrong.

So while your story is kind of too bad and I get your point, nobody should be told that they have to forgive otherwise they’re bitter and angry.

sometimes in life there are good reasons for an estrangement. It’s unfortunate it has to occur.

I was not bitter or angry during our time of not talking. I was actually quite at peace with it.

I think this might be what I see as forgiving yourself. That I'm at peace with my decision for the boundaries I hold towards others, especially with certain family members, because, unless you know the whole story about what has occurred over the years from my perspective, others wouldn't understand my need for the boundary.

I read this recently:
When you're not used to being confident, confidence feels like arrogance.
When you're used to being passive, assertiveness feels like aggression.
When you're not used to getting your needs met, prioritizing yourself feels selfish.
Your comfort zone is not a good benchmark.

When you know that what you are doing is right for your life and mental health, I'd refer to that as forgiving myself - being at peace with the decision to hold the boundary. The forgiveness would not be for the other person's benefit. Forgiveness describes my feelings towards my decisions.