SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't understand why he feels like his case is so different.

Why do you need to "understand"? You don't. Tell him he is not different, tell him what you need, and tell him what you will need to do to make yourself feel safe if you don't get it.

He's acting like he's in charge of this R because you are letting him. You cannot control his behavior, but you can certainly control what you will tolerate. Stand up for yourself.

Apparently it's creepy to share your intimate relationship with strangers on the internet. As you can imagine that didn't fly too well with me.

Also expects to resist the urge to cheat the same way he did in the past. Pretty hollow promise. At least until he gets in to a therapist.

Which I countered by saying 4 hours a month talking to a stranger at $189/hour isn't going to work some magic on a lifetime of dysfunctional behavior.

Don't be surprised if he doesn't do either unless you start bringing consequences. Most people who are deeply bothered by something will jump at the opportunity to talk anonymously with other people who have experienced the same thing. Either he's not remorseful or maybe he's just so deeply ashamed that he can't bring himself to face what he did to talk about it with anyone. Either way, he's not going to want to go to therapy any more than he wants to come here.

Don't give him the option.

Sorry for being off topic. What are these other infidelity support websites?

Hi. I’m a WW so I have a maybe have a different perspective.

The first thing I’ll say is that you cannot control how he goes about working on himself. Different things work for different people. You can offer advice and guidance if you want to, of course. The important thing is not what he specifically is doing but that he’s actually working on himself in real and tangible ways and where you can see actual change. Ideally it should be proactive on his part but some people need guidance or a push. Of course you could make jointing SI a requirement for R, but that won’t help him or you. Personally, I only joined SI more than 2 years after DDay. I didn’t know about this site and we were working on R before then. I went to IC, did my own online research, and we also went to MC together. My BH actually kept SI from me because this was his safe place and it wasn’t until he felt comfortable sharing it with me that I read, lurked and ultimately joined.

I’m not saying your WH is R material. All I’m saying his whether he joins SI or not should not be the barometer. What is he actually doing? What work has he done? How has his actions and behavior changed? That should be the driver, IMO.

Separately, if you really do want him to use SI as a resource, maybe ask him to read here but not join? I lurked for a long time before I felt comfortable enough to join. Maybe he needs to see that while people will hold him accountable here, he’ll also get a lot of support and advice from people who have been in his shoes.

Anyway, again the key point is that he’s working on himself. If not, SI or no SI, then he’s not R material.

Susie, I think you’re unfairly placing the burden of doing the work on yourself and not him… and that also includes suggesting what books he should read and what sites he should post on. It’s HIS responsibility to put the work in to repair the damage he’s caused. If he doesn’t, then you know he’s not actually committed to the relationship.

If he wants to act like a stubborn adolescent who already knows everything and doesn’t need to do homework and listen to teachers, then treat him like one. Let him do nothing and then fail. Either he will realize he needs to get his ass in gear, or you’ll expel him.

Just to add, don’t give him an ultimatum. If there’s a deadline in your head, keep it to yourself.

If you give him an ultimatum, he might to do the bare minimum required until the deadline passes. Or he might do nothing… but if you’re not ready to file, then he’ll call your bluff and won’t take you seriously again. Or he might do what he needs to and then you will be pissed that he needed to be threatened into action.

Decide what you’re willing to live with and for how long. If you decide you want to give it more time, then you can, without going back on your word. But I do think it’s important to have a deadline in mind, if only so you can give yourself a light at the end of the tunnel.

the key point is that he’s working on himself. If not, SI or no SI, then he’s not R material.

. Make sense to me … if he’s not taking any action (and it sounds like he’s not), then I dunno if it makes much difference if he’s going to IC, posting on SI, doing some workshop, or anything else. IOW, If they don’t want to do the work, they just won’t - even if they are posting or going to IC or whatever.

I wanted my WH to post on SI as well - I think he posted maybe a handful of times. Then stopped (guess he didn’t like what he was hearing?). He’s gone to IC regularly since dday, but that hasn’t produced progress either (and I no longer think it’s bc any particular IC was good/bad - some were great, some not). He’s read "the books" (how to help your spouse, not just friends, Out of the Doghouse, etc). And yet there is no objectively discernible difference in his thought processes or wayward behaviors (and for all I know, he’s balls deep in an A as I type). Honesty. Empathy. Vulnerability. Ownership of behavior. Accountability. None of that is present, despite 4 years of time/opportunity. He’s not R material and no reason to think he ever will. All of these things are TOOLS to help someone who wants to be helped…. They are not, in & of themselves, "fixes" for waywardness / mentality. So, I agree with Mrs.W - the particular tool a WS chooses to use is not nearly as important as the DESIRE to find and use them.

I think that when someone genuinely WANTS to change, they will - enthusiastically - find ways to do so. They will do their own homework. They won’t blame others or have a list of excuses. They will actively seek the books, podcasts, websites, ICs, support groups, etc to learn and grow and dig into the work and, WRT a WS, they will learn to share that with their BS & demonstrate the skills they are acquiring (look honey! I think I can do empathy! Notice I’ve been doing x or y or z? That’s my new skill to try and help rebuild trust - is it helping? Is there something else I can do? Obviously it’s not that straightforward, but you get the gist - and you know the drill). It just doesn’t seem like your WS is all that interested.

And - the pivot comes back to you - the things you can control. IIRC, 16yrs ago you two embarked on a path of R. And now you have another dday and a WS whose actions post this dday don’t seem to align with his claimed desire to R. You say you don’t understand why he thinks he is special/different, yet given this ain’t your 1st rodeo, I think you know. It’s classic wayward thinking. Also IIRC you’ve posted that you have some health issues, and (I think?) your WH travels for weeks on end for work. So, maybe D isn’t really a practical option for you to even consider at this juncture, and I’m confident you know that R is also not possible with a WS who is not doing some heavy lifting on their side of the road. In the meantime, what tools/support do you have / need to help soothe and maybe some equilibrium w/in your own heart and mind?

Sorry for being off topic. What are these other infidelity support websites?

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Hi @Susie I'm so sorry you're having to deal with so much and my heart goes out to you. At this point, I think it's important for you to focus on your well being so you can be stronger physically and emotionally before making any major decisions.

Your H certainly has to come to that point where he chooses to take the necessary steps to find help for himself and my hope for you is that soon he will have that Damascus experience that will stop him in his tracks and cause him to make that u turn for himself.

I know you've gone through so much and still are, so I encourage you to be gentle with yourself and remember that no matter what has happened or is still happening, you are worthy of love that can be trusted.
Would you also consider IC for yourself? I really benefited from ongoing counseling during my own healing journey and you might too.
Strength and hugs to you ))).