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Hi everyone. I have been married 17 years with 2 young kids. Marriage has never been easy but I tolerated him, especially after we had kids. He travels a lot for work. I found out on new year's, 1 January this year. Some messages on an old phone that were inadvertently saved without his knowledge. I confronted him and the first thing he said was that it was "nothing". Not even an apology first. He did later apologize but well, first reactions matter a lot. At least he admitted to it, I suppose.

The affair happened almost 3 years ago, lasted about 4 months. He said that he was in a bad place and we were not communicating. So he was weak and unhappy. She is a coworker who still works at the same company. They met while they traveled for work, he found her attractive and pursued her. She is 12 years younger, married as well. He kept telling me that they connected emotionally, as they confided in each other about each other’s marriage troubles, and pretty much bonded over that. He said they never had sex because it did not get to that level of intimacy and it ended because they could not make enough time to talk, since both have different traveling schedules. They went out twice when they were back home locally, for movies and meals, walked around enjoying each other's company. The messages I found showed that he had begged to hold her hands, while she had mentioned that she did not want to risk being seen doing that, knowing both of them went into the affair being married to different people. The bunch of messages I found were ones which already started showing cracks and they were complaining about not talking enough, even as they wanted to try and work it out. He told me that it was an emotional outlet, something to distract him. They spoke a lot over video calls and messages especially when he was away, in hotels. After the first meeting when he got her number and they had fun chatting with each other, they never managed to meet up while they were away again due to the different schedules. It ended because they were not on the same page, he wanted a more permanent set up to talk to her more frequently, but she was more chill and just wanted something easy and not complicated. He said nothing came out of it and that was that. I asked him how long he took to get over it, he said about 2 months to get over, not so much her but he was sad that he lost an emotional outlet where he could release his problems and pent up issues.

My world crumbled when I first read the messages. I remember feeling very faint. He was away then and all I could do was confront him over the phone. I screamed and cried, I went nuts. I didn't sleep for days and had absolutely no appetite to eat. I didn't dare to tell my own family and only confided in a friend and a distant cousin. My kids had to witness my falling apart and I feel so sorry for them. Up till now, 3 weeks later, the one thing I found to be totally incredible was the fact that he had the balls to do this to me. He never had the balls to say no to his parents, no balls to defend me in any situation all this time and yet, for an affair he did. And to me. He had never made any effort as well to do anything for the kids nor for me. And yet, for the affair, the effort he made to sneak around behind my back, all those nights when I was asleep and he was awake using his phone to chat, to lie through his teeth for the past few years, being a total pussy and not even admitting to me what he did until I found out. That is probably the part that I find hardest to accept.

When he did come back a few days later from traveling, after I found out, he kneeled, begged, grovelled at my feet. I told him that it was over between us, that I had absolutely no faith, no trust, no respect, no love for him. I initially thought that he would make it easy and just agree to a divorce, which I wanted. But since then he has kept saying that he will never consent to a divorce. He wants to keep the family together and wants to make it up to me and the kids. I told him to get the heck out of the house, but he pleads to stay by the family's side. He offered to change his number, which he did. A number he has had for 20 years. He let me go through all the contacts on his phone and deleted all the ones I was uncomfortable with. He agrees to a total lifestyle change, where he would only communicate with females at work on a cordial basis. He has already cut ties with her since the affair ended early 2019. He wrote the kids and I a pledge, about how he would put the family first from now on and will never make the same mistake again. He agrees to update me as much as he can during his travels for work. That we can video call him anytime. He said he would do anything to keep the family together and will try to win me back but I need to give him time to prove his sincerity.

It has been a very, very difficult 3 weeks. I break down and burst into tears at random times. Some days I'm angry, some days I'm sad. But the hurt, it's always there. Sometimes I vent on him, insult and belittle him, call him names, tells him he is worse than pond scum, that he is unworthy of the kids and I. That he is a pussy for chasing another woman just because we had problems. Rather than talking it out with me, he chose the other path. That I would never stoop as low as him because I know my responsibility as a mother of 2 kids. That he was thoughtless and selfish, not thinking about us at all. I provoke him by telling him that he was already willing to risk it all by cheating, knowing very well he could lose the family. He said things have changed since the affair. That covid opened up his eyes, as he had to be stuck at home with us and realized that he cherished us more than anything, that our relationship has never been so good till he was forced to be at home with us. I agree to a certain extent that covid times brought us together as we are now closer but it is not as idealistic as he makes it in his mind. I still had to tolerate him in many ways.

He is off for work, traveling again now. Will be gone for a week. The last few days since I have been left alone with my wandering thoughts have been awful. I'm a thinker by nature and all these sordid details I found out about what he did and spoke about with her, keeps playing in my head. I found her on social media as these dumb young bitches have their whole lives on the internet. I can see how her whole family, including how her husband looks like. I could send messages to them all if I wanted to. But I think at this point, I'll sort out my own mess first before I go there. Maybe one day I'll confront her. I keep thinking that her poor husband deserves to know as well. The both of us should have kept a tighter leash on our dog and bitch. While my husband was a total dog for trying to start something, she was also a total bitch for responding to his advances. Both have no conscience and morals. But yes, right now, I need to sort myself out first. The kids and myself, we are priority. I don't freaking care about anyone else. My kids are my life and I hate my husband till the day I die for doing this to them. For damaging us and causing us this unnecessary trauma. It'll be for life. My eldest kid knows what's going on, he grasps the reality of it and is perceptive enough to know that I may get a divorce. He is sad that our family may be no more and has cried a few times in front of my husband as well. My husband said it breaks his heart. Well, he should have thought it through before he went down the path of infidelity.

I have tried to find out more information on the legal side of things. I attended a program on what to expect after divorce, the impact on the finances, living arrangements, children, co parenting. I have not decided what to do, on some days I lean towards a divorce, on others I think about the kids and wonder if I want to do this to them. I have been giving a lot to the family as a homemaker, I take care of the entire household, I handle 99% of what the household and kids need. All he had to do was bring home the bacon. He only had one job and even then he failed. He is such a loser. I have always placed priority on everything else in this family, now I wonder if I should place myself first for once and just get the divorce. I am trying to cover my bases by finding out more on the legal side of things. Will probably talk to some people soon. Hate that I am moving so slowly but at the same time, I want to give myself time to grieve as well. This is the biggest trauma I've ever experienced in my life. Completely undeserving and unnecessary. I never asked for much in my life, all I wanted was to have peace and be contented with my family. But this has rocked the very foundation of what I thought was an OK family life. It was never perfect but it was ok and I was alright with that. Now, everything is gone. Down the drain. Things will never be the same again and knowing myself, being a thinker and someone who doesn't forgive nor forget easily and would bear grudges, this is going to be one very long journey to healing. To ever finding happiness again.

My questions, if anyone could also share through experience or if anyone has any sound advice:

1. My guts as of now say that I will never be a able to accept this and move on in this marriage. It is too difficult for me at this point to not have hatred for him. I have nothing left for him as he broke me completely. Hence I am leaning towards a divorce. But at the same time, I don't know if that's the best route to take. How would I know for sure? How long do I give myself to think this through so that I don't make a mistake?

2. Even if I stayed, things will never be the same ever again. Everything is broken. We are damaged. I will never trust him again. Even all those things he said about making amends and the steps he is taking to prove himself, even if he was really sincere, all I see is him spewing bs. I know that I will not have anything to contribute to the marriage anymore. I'm done. I have nothing left in me to give. Since he wants to make amends, I will only sit back and watch. How do I even trust that he will never cheat again. Once a cheater, always a cheater right? That's why I need to find out if I can draw up a legal agreement to have everything transferred to me in case he ever cheats again. He said he is willing to sign it just to prove he wants to make it work. I don't know how well it'll hold up in court though. It'll be like a prenup, but we are already married with kids. I feel like I need to do everything I can to protect the kids and myself. But until I've decided what to do, this is just another option. How do I know if I am making the right decision should I stay? I can't even trust him anymore. Do I just go with blind faith?

3. I feel like I'll never get over this and will hate him till the day I die. Some days I just want to slap him. Others I wish that both him and that bitch get burned for what they did. They deserve the karma. I hope she gets cheated on one day and then she'll know how it feels like. I was advised not to give too much power to her being though, to not look her up online etc, as she doesn't even know that she is causing this much pain. So why bother. I'm mentally struggling with this since I found out. How do I deal with all this emotions? It's eating me up inside. I have started to eat again and even do some workout but the heaviness on my chest. It's always there. One day, I woke up at 4am and started thinking these awful thoughts and I really physically wanted to throw up. I have been on the brink of suffering from anxiety disorder and this really messed me up even more on top of that. How do I deal with myself?

4. I keep having these thoughts in my head. How do I deal if we ever bumped into that bitch? It is likely as they are still working in the same company. He is earning a good salary and as much as I want him to quit, I think that is not practical. If I went down the road of divorce, I would need to make sure he pays his alimony properly. But yes, how do people ever deal with accidentally meeting the home wrecker? I play it in my head and it's ugly. I honestly don't know what I'd do. Just turn and walk away? Ignore? What do people even do in situations like that?

Sigh. My thoughts are everywhere. So I hope someone would be able to help me reorganize somehow. This is by far the shittiest thing that can happen which I never thought would happen. Right on new year's too. So I already know this would be such a wonderful year ahead. Not.

Thank you for reading. I welcome any thoughts and advice. In the meantime, I will stay hurt, angry, upset and sad. All at the same time.

You are doing better than most for someone who just found out. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Eat right and see your doctor if you need help sleeping. By all means consult a lawyer so you know what divorce might look like. You will soon get great advice from many of the people here. Most of them have been in your shoes and they know what works.

Sorry that you had to find us. We're the best club nobody wants to join. Please read on The Healing Library through the link at the top of the page. One of the posts lists the acronyms used. Also, there are a couple of pinned posts at the top of this page that you might find helpful. You'll get lots of advice, so take what you need and leave the rest.

What you will find out is that cheaters are lying liars who lie. Adults who meet up usually are going to have sex and not just hold hands. Please don't be surprised if you find out more details.

Watch what your WH does - actions, not words. Words are worthless if you can't back them up with actions.

Hi, welcome to SI.

You found out about his affair on an old phone. Wondering what was on his current phone?

Keep in mind cheaters lie. My concern for you is that this might not be his first rodeo.

Once I found out about my husband's affair (traveled a great deal), he cut his travel down to almost nothing. I traveled with him on several trips, and what I witnessed was eye-opening. Marrieds crossing boundaries, too much touchy-feely, lots of alcohol, and colleagues disappearing for hours at a time. Not all but probably 25% of them. Made me ill.

Do you have access to his phone and ALL email accounts including his work email if possible? My WH gave me access to everything.

My WH also had an affair with a co-worker who lived 3,000 miles across the country, I insisted he find another job, which he did, a better job with about 10% of the traveling of his prior company.

It will take YEARS to trust again, everything based on the actions of your husband. Cheaters lie and his words are meaningless.

Find a good IC for yourself to process this trauma. Give yourself a few months before you make any major decision about your life.

he would only communicate with females at work on a cordial basis

^^^Once I found out about my WH affair, the only communication he had with female colleagues was what was necessary like a Good Morning. Stopped all discussions. Never ever again met with a female one-on-one. Actions. Not words. Actions.

Hi there,

I am so so sorry for what has happened to you. Your post really struck a cord with me. I am also 3 weeks in and it is a truly awful time as really it has only just happened. It takes all your strength to get through the days. Be very gentle with yourself.

Posting on here and getting support really helps. I the messages of support when I am particularly low. I would suggest smoothies and protein shakes. The sleep and appetite will come back.

Just remember that the issues all lie with him. Sadly often they have commitment phobia and this manifests in different ways.

Sending you hugs.

Edit: wrong thread

[This message edited by RangerS at 9:29 PM, Monday, January 24th]

1. I thought cheating would be a dealbreaker for me before it happened. My wife's EA was something I was able to eventually forgive. Sometimes our capacity for that exceeds our previous expectations. That said, if you feel you are giving up a core value to make this happen, I don't think it will work. I recommend "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass that has a chapter on ways to evaluate whether you should keep trying or throw in the towel.

2. Talk to a lawyer in your state. Post-nups can hold up in many states and is a good way for your WH to show he is willing to do what is needed for R. As for trust, not only should it have perhaps never been blind in the first place, you will find you are now incapable of blind trust/faith. You have to believe it's possible for him to redeem himself, but you'll need the ability to confirm or verify much of what he says and what he does. This requires complete electronic transparency and other measures as needed. Even if you get a D, your trust mechanism just works differently now. I would argue it works better (after you heal), but innocence lost is never fun.

3. Get a therapist (a psychiatrist if the anxiety is really bad, though I didn't personally get any anxiety meds many people find them helpful).

4. I can't offer much help on this one. I didn't have much anger toward my wife's AP, and I generally believe that anger toward the AP should be directed at the WS unless the AP also owed you some loyalty (e.g. double betrayal including a friend or sibling).

Hi there, ThisPain-

I am so sorry you have been betrayed. As others have said, you need to brace yourself for more information. Cheaters often minimize and omit truth or give you a version they think you are more likely to forgive. Then, you stumble across more information. Or as you think about their story, the details don't add up and you quiz them until they admit more. It is very likely that there is more to this story. We refer to this as "trickle truth" and it is even more painful than the initial discovery.

I think you benefit with him traveling. It gives you space and time to think more clearly without his alligator tears and pleas to cloud your judgement and thinking. You owe him nothing. He fired you from being his wife when he cheated on you. Your only responsibility is the health and well-being of you and your children. I know you think that divorce can be rough on children and you are correct. However, living in a dysfunctional home also has an impact on children's psyche.

Lastly, once your world stops spinning a bit, I would encourage you to reach out to the OBS (other betrayed spouse). They deserve some agency too. Cheaters are liars and who knows who all they have slept with, you and the OBS simply do not know what you have been exposed to. Additionally, the OBS may get different information and you can compare notes.

Again, I am so sorry your wayward husband made these choices that have turned your world upside down, it is such bullshit. It is NOT your fault. There is nothing that you could have done to prevent this. This is a reflection on HIS character and your identity is so much more that a betrayed wife. Continue posting here, we understand your pain and anger and we have almost seen everything.

I’m so sorry for you. I understand how you feel. I was shattered by my H’s EAs and the second one he was planning to D me.

Except on dday2 I told him I was D him! And I meant it.

We have reconciled. I am happy. He is happy.

But it is in my face every day if I allow it. Some days better than others. But 90% of the time I am good. I stayed not for my kids or any other reason. I stayed because I love him. And he had made many positive changes.

It took me 2 years to stop thinking I was D him everyday. Every. Damn. Day. I wanted to just D him to stop having to face all of it.

It took 3 years into reconciliation to finally out my happiness first and foremost. I healed myself as best I could snd decided it was my life and I had to make choices.

And I decided my happiness was the most important thing. Not being selfish but I stopped putting everyone else first.

Being 3 weeks into this it might be hard to see you could get past this. I certainly was on the same path as you and recognized I could not stay married to him as this was his second affair.

People can change if they want to. Your H certainly can say all the right things but it takes him DOING the right things that counts. And it also doesn’t mean you have to accept his changes if the marriage is beyond repair.

But only you know that. No one else can make that decision but you. Sometimes affairs and lying and cheating are dealbreakers.

My guts as of now say that I will never be a able to accept this and move on in this marriage.

I don't mean to minimize this by saying this is normal, but this is normal. You don't have to accept him back, but you do have to accept that he failed you and your kids and himself, too. You won't need to force yourself to accept that, and it will take some time. But you will be able to accept that it happened.

And it's all about his issues, his failings. It will take some work for you to accept that, but accepting that you could not control him can help your healing a lot.

Even if I stayed, things will never be the same ever again. Everything is broken. We are damaged. I will never trust him again.

 Your illusions about your H and your M are broken beyond repair. You're still you, with all your strengths, your lovableness(?), and your willingness to love.

I feel like I'll never get over this and will hate him till the day I die.

 This, too, is normal. If you heal and D, you'll become indifferent to him. Healing will take you beyond hate.

If your H does the necessary work to redeem himself, R is possible - if you want it. My reco is to figure that out first - do you want him, assuming he changes himself from cheater to good partner, or do you want to get him out of your life? You can lead a good life either way.

I'm 11 years out. I know my W had an A. I know she's working on herself, and I know she brings up issues that involve me so we can resolve them, as do I. We love and accept each other. Her A is in the past, along with all the good times we've had. Today our goals are to deal with normal life issues and create more good times.

I've healed. Not everybody wants R. R is attainable only if both partners do their work. But your healing is up to you. And I believe human beings know how to heal. The 1st 6 months were the worst for me; after that I was able to get back to joy slowly. It takes time and effort, but you can do it.

So have faith in yourself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:11 PM, Tuesday, January 25th]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. Reading some of them really makes me want to cry. You are so right about so many things. I continue to find out, just today too, that he met up with her another time during his travels, around the same time they met for the first time. Basically on their way back from traveling. He said they went out in a group, like the first time around. I was furious because I thought everything was laid out in the open since I found out more than 3 weeks ago. But he said he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to think that he was head over heels over her or anything because it wasn't that. He had 3 weeks to confess to me and I've already asked him many times about this. But he chose to conceal it until today !! Plus I assumed that when he said he ended it with her, that was that right. But no! Apparently he still contacted her and spoke to her on the phone on a so called platonic term because he still confided in her even after they agreed to stop the affair. I was like, wtf???! He said it only ended as they started to slowly stop calling or texting or video calling each other. And it just died down to nothing in the end. And since then he hasn't spoken to her. That's about 2.5 years now.

I am so freaking mad. I can't believe that I actually managed to dig out more info just like some of you said. Freaking cheaters are liars indeed!! Omfg. And you know what, I was just seriously thinking about staying a few days ago because of the kids. They are young and I don't want them to be impacted. But now, with these revelations he has literally set himself back to 3 weeks ago!!! How can I even trust him ever again??? Every single word he spews now is just literally all bs. Omfg.

I told him to come clean about every single thing and not think if I don't ask, he doesn't tell. I told him it's the last ever chance that he'll get to confess about anything else that I should know about. He later found out from his traveling schedule, because he wanted to come clean he said, that the timeline is wrong. He has initially told me that it was from November 2018 to about March 2019. because of the fact that i said it was his last chance to confess, he deliberately went to check his schedule from then to make sure that he has the timeline right. So apparently he didn't. It started mid January 2019 and ended about May 2019. So that is actually even more recent than I thought. He said he didn't deliberately lie to me. He just doesn't even remember anymore when he has the affair. He said he wants to forget all about it. Not remember anything. I just cannot. All these lies coming up one by one.

Sigh I just want to heal from this first off. I am still crying everyday at random times and I hate the fact that I need to act normal when people ask if I'm OK. When anyone asks me if I'm ok, I really want to breakdown and cry and tell them that no I'm not ok and nothing's ok. But all I do is nod and say yea, everything is fine. And I hate that I can't tell my family about it because I don't want to be of burden to them. They all have their own issues. This pain is just so raw still. I wish I could get over it like right now but each time I think about things, the sordid details and what not, I just get so sick. I want to throw up and I get this prickly pain in my chest. I've woken up in the middle of the night a few times feeling all sick and having this tightness in my chest and just wanting to throw up. I was already suffering from anxiety before this. And this just really made it so much worse.

Sometimes I wonder if it's the universe's way of telling me that I should have quit this marriage long ago. The affair was just the nail in the coffin. I have never been truly happy in this marriage to begin with. With this discovery, the marriage is as good as dead.

R is incredibly difficult even between people who love each other and are both 110% invested in it. It is absolutely NOT worth it for a marriage that you were never happy in. At best, things will go back to what made you unhappy before and in many cases, you won't even get that much back. At least not for a long time.

Take this time to yourself. Get into IC if you can. If you can't get a better, improved marriage out of this that makes YOU happy, then work on separating and finding that happiness.