SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm a 29 year old recently divorced guy. Aside from some martial issues, I thought I had a pretty decent setup. Nice apartment, career, great wife. Before finding out my ex was having an affair, I thought we were on track on with working on our issues. I respected myself enough to leave the marriage. Now I find myself back with my parents starting over. They convinced me to give up renting, and stay home to save for a house. Meanwhile, my peers are already new homeowners, with well paying jobs. Some have amazing partners, and great social lives. It seems like everything just falls into place for them.

I recently got back into dating. Most of the women I've met are also doing well for themselves. Great jobs, new homeowners, nice cars etc. A few told me that I'm making a smart decision, but I can't help but to feel crappy sometimes.

I'm happy for all of my friends and the women I've met, but idk where it went wrong for me. I worked so hard to be successful. I earned my degree, do well on my job, and tried to pick a good partner. I ended up divorced, and forced to move back home at nearly 30. Being cheated on doesn't bother me nearly as much as it once did. Its her loss. But I don't know how long it'll take me to be independent again. It just feels like I took 5 steps forward, and 10 steps back.

I realize that home ownership, living w parents, etc. can vary greatly based on the area of the country that you live in. And with the pandemic, I personally know of 3 single adults (older than you) that made the choice to move in with their parents.

What kind of progress have you made on saving for the down payment on a house? If I were a single woman in your age range, I would look more favorably on someone willing to make that kind of sacrifice for a year vs. a potential husband with $50k of debt!

And honestly, I know this is difficult to hear, but you are still young. Not even 30. And if it makes you that uncomfortable telling potential dates about your living situation, there is the “simple” solution of just not dating for now and avoid it all together. You are still not a year out from your divorce. You have time. Focus on you and your goals. You deserve better.

You aren't sitting in the basement playing video games. This is a strategic, intelligent, logical move. And it's temporary. This is just a season, not forever.

I definitely understand where you're coming from. Divorce and other unexpected events can force us to restart and it's hard not to compare yourself. I put a lot of this sort of pressure on myself when I was younger and I don't really regret it because it's why I achieved the things I have but I would say you can rethink feeling embarrassed.

In this world economy home ownership is an outright impossibility for many folks at any age, so if staying with your parents for a few years puts you on track to buy a house, you're ahead of the curve. Right now it's a seller's market anyway, maybe not the best time to buy. Keep your head down, get your ducks in a row and use this set back to full your future successes. You will get there.

Congratulations on knowing your worth and getting out of the marriage.

Making a decision to change your arrangement temporarily so you can successfully work toward the future you want is nothing to be embarrassed about - it is a smart move for your long-term.

I will also say this (which is way easier said than done), but try not to compare your reality to other people's realities. Sure on the surface maybe their life looks 'perfect'. But for all you know they are in redonk amounts of debt to afford those new homes and nice cars, or are doing that only to get some sort of social validation for having all those materialistic trappings of success. And you know as well as any BS that the 'perfect couple' front can hide a lot of nastiness. All of that to say, just because someone looks like they have a 'perfect' life, does not mean they do.

Try as hard as you can to validate your own self based on YOU. Be honest, be authentic, and work for the things YOU want and it will rarely lead you wrong. And lastly - you are making a super smart hard decision to deal with a temporary less-than-ideal situation that will pay big dividends in the long run. If a woman is looking at you squiggly-eyed for that, I would hesitate to continue a romantic entanglement with them, just my 0.02.

Oh I so understand this. When I divorced my first husband, I went from owning my own home and co-owning a business with him to living with my parents with two small children. I was absolutely humiliated. All my friends were still on the success track and I had gone way down in my estimation. I built back up, but it took a few years. I do value the time I got with my parents and how close they became with my kids, so I can't say it was a negative in retrospect. But oh boy, I know the humiliation. I moved out and became the broke single mom for a few years. I've started over for the second time after the marriage that brought me here crashed and it was a lot easier this time, but I'm now in a "starter home" that needs work at 47, LOL. Though the timing is nice in a way. I've downsized with kids almost grown and out. I am no longer humiliated that many of my friends are in their larger nicer homes. There's the not caring to look forward to with age, at least.

You will be ok you are young. I'm starting over again at 47 and in an apartment like I was in my early 20's. Honestly for myself it's a lot easier living in an apartment than a big house. I am moving back to our rental house in July so will be a homeowner again but that comes with it's own stresses and finances.

Enjoy having the free time and ability to save money.

I think that what you are going through is a normal reaction after a divorce, it is such a huge life change. And like others have said, it is only temporary and will benefit you later. Most women that you may meet should understand that and not have a problem with it.

try not to compare your reality to other people's realities.

I think this is a SUPER important lesson for a BS.

I look at my friends & family and wonder "why the F am I the one with the cheating spouse?"

And, as Ellie says, I have to remind myself that folks may have said the same about me and my M before dday....

We have to learn to really and truly understand - like in our BONES understand - that life is full of injustices, big and small. And that's OK. The trick is learning how to manage it w/o kicking ourselves.

And you ARE young. I have a kid that's in his early 30s, finally has decent income, and lives in a city where the "starter" homes are >$400k, something he can't afford. And it REALLY gets him down sometimes. So, patience can suck, but it's usually worth it.

I don't know how long it'll take me to be independent again.

CCN,

It sounds like you don't have a solid plan? Have you spoken with a realtor or mortgage company about how much you need to have saved in order to afford a house?

If you can measure the progress towards your goal, it might feel better than being in limbo.

Also, since you have the luxury of having fewer responsibilities while you are living at home, use the extra time to work on yourself, making sure you are beyond your betrayal and that you address the issues in the marriage that you need to own. That will help make sure you don't repeat unhealthy patterns

Good luck

Home ownership isn't all that.

DH and I didn't own an adult-sized home until we w 34ere. Before then, we lived in a garden style condo (aka, glorified apartment) in the hood, because that's what we could afford to buy.

Rarely is it that folks own nice, new cars outright, put 20% down on their homes, and save adequately for retirement. So, like others have said, be careful of the comparison. What you see, may not actually be reflective of a good life.

Adulting really blows. The ONLY way we were able to get ahead was to continue to live like college students until our mid 30s. Actually, at 46, we still live like college students, to some degree. Like all nearly all of the things in our house are 15-40+ years old. I was driving around a 17 year old car to because it allowed us to save more. It's the dirty little secret NO ONE tells you.

I can't identify with moving back home, because that is not an option for me, due to my parents' dysfunction (my mom is likely mentally ill and was never treated.) There isn't a dollar amount that makes it worth subjecting myself to all sorts of abuse, except physical.

But, it's still a good time to take advantage of the gift of living with our parents. It's a great time to figure out how to increase your income (do you need to get a few more skills and start applying to better jobs?) and decrease costs by looking getting back to really understanding needs vs. wants.

It also might be a good time to really think about your values and priorities. We can have it all.

Just not at the same time.

Don’t be stuck. Look at it positively. You are free from a cheating spouse. Woo hoo!! 👊🏼

Don’t compare yourself to others. Ever.

We had neighbors who every year had new cars. Once a $150,000 corvette showed up. My kids were all over that. It’s a guy thing 😂. Anyway I told my kids our values were different and cars were not important to us. We don’t lease we own and keep.

Life is filled with trade offs. You choose to own a home (as an example) and you may give up vacations. We stress to our children living debt free is a priority for us.

My friend buys $400 pairs of shoes. Designer everything. Maybe she’s wealthy or maybe she’s in debt. Doesn’t really matter to me. I’m happy in my $40 sneakers 😃

I would want to be the millionaire that no one knows is a millionaire if you know what I mean.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:04 AM, February 25th (Thursday)]

It sounds like you are doing fine. If home ownership is where you want to go, make a plan and execute it. Set aside money for the down payment. Get pre-approved and go house hunting.

It may be apartment life is more appropriate for you at this point. It removes your shame from living at home and can be another place to run across eligible women.

You can also continue working your plan and dating. It may be that you'll end up finding someone to assist in the house hunting.

Just keep living your best life, and don't focus on the what ifs. You can't change what was done to you. You can only do your best going forward.

Great screen name!

Remember, you aren't starting from scratch you are starting from experience.

I never was able to get in on homeownership. Renting is providing a stable roof over your head, so don't feel like your only options are living with your parents or home ownership.

Even if you decide to stay with your parents for a while, a mature woman will understand that you've made strategic decisions to continue moving towards your future.

And you have your entire life ahead of you!! I started over at 37 with 2 little ones, you are doing well!

I never was able to get in on homeownership.

As someone who is currently watching the HVAC system with growing concern waiting to have to replace the unit, this isn't necessarily a bad thing.

JanaGreen, exactly why I'm not really sad about that lol. When my children have flown the coop I will look at purchasing, but with the market the way it is here homes are going for $100K-$300K over asking price

Hi @ColdChickenNugg how are you doing? I can imagine how difficult it must be to feel like you took steps backward in life instead of going forward as you had hoped. However I do want to encourage you to remain strong and trust that your current situation is not going to stay this way forever. Life may have dealt you a curve ball but I do think you have it within you to come out of this much wiser and work again towards what you want for your life.

I wish you all the very best for now and the future.

Please get over the idea that your value as a human being depends on when you own your own house. For some reason we have now placed value on things. The people in Paradise California lost everything. They lost houses, trees, the town itself. Did that make them less than human or less than successful? Of course not. Because I live in the states and it’s a huge country there is a catastrophe all the time. Look at the riots that burned down peoples businesses. Look at the hurricanes that come through and decimate whole town. This was your season of the hurricane. You will rebuild your life.

I consciously decided five years ago to move to a two-family home with my parents. Even thought this was deliberate entry into collective living, I STILL feel like "I live with my parents". There's no hit to your confidence quite like living in close proximity to your parents. I get it.

Parents are also not great at boundaries, in general. So they might try to do things like do your laundry for you, cook dinner for you, clean up your living space. Mine used to offer to cook dinner and if I accepted, they would ring the dinner bell for me that they used to ring when I was a kid. I would just sort of internally slump over when they did that, even though I had an equal number of nights I was cooking for them. They think they are helping, they do NOT realize the kind of impact these small things can have on adult kids. Kindly but firmly try to reinforce boundaries on these things.

My confidence only started recovering once they truly started needing help with things, and got out of parent mode (somewhat!).

I don't have a solution for you, other than save that money, and focus on the end goal. You truly will have a long-term advantage if you can save enough to get ahead. Your friends who are new homeowners (likely) don't truly own their homes, as I am sure you know. Get enough for a sizeable down payment and you will make things easier for yourself. And right now you have an excuse - you are just quarantining with your parents and helping keep them safe during covid.

[This message edited by annanew at 11:25 AM, March 1st (Monday)]