Almost 3 years Divorced and still feel off
I'm a little lost here. My dday was four years ago, went back and forth for about a year, another dday and I filed. I haven't seen or spoken to my ex WH in years and have no desire to do so. He continues to harass me, with less frequency, but as recently as a few months ago. He desperately wants to be friends. Argh.
I have sworn off relationships because I'm still working on healing the trauma. I've had a few crap relationships with varying levels of abuse and betrayal. He was the straw that broke the camel's back, I suppose. I just can't bring myself to go near another romantic situation.
I've done copious amounts of therapy, in a variety of modalities, as well as meds (still in therapy). My main issue these days is high levels of anxiety and a bit of agoraphobia. The pandemic coming on the heels of dday probably exacerbated everything. In addition most of my friend group decided to play Switzerland and maintain relationships with him, so I have a much quieter and smaller social circle than I did pre dday. They don't fully know how horrendous he was and given they're still friends with him, I haven't gone out of my way to tell them. I really don't think it would make a difference if I did.
I guess what I'm dealing with now is the fact that I can't seem to get my footing. I'm not exactly depressed - I don't think - but maybe a little. I'm not lonely particularly. My life is different - less active and quieter and I think my confidence has taken a hit from the whole ordeal. There are many places I don't go because I don't want to run into him or one of his flying monkeys - it's a very small town I'm in. I just feel like I should've adjusted a bit better by now. It's been nearly 3 years of NC. The marriage was short - only two years. I don't miss him in the least - quite the opposite - I can't understand what I saw in him.
I try to push myself to go out and do things, adopted a new pet, etc.
Is this just part of the journey?
12 comments posted: Tuesday, December 5th, 2023
Is this a red flag?
Hey wise ones,
Since I changed my FB profile pic from my dog to my face, random men are friending and messaging me. One guy is local, attractive and has interests I share. We've messaged a few times and he seems normal enough.
Is this normal for folks to message randoms on FB to date? We do have one shared friend, but that's about it. Just to be clear - I'm not on the fb dating app.
I'm not on any dating apps and don't have a huge interest in dating at the moment, but he likes to do outdoorsy things, so it might be fun - not sure if I should dismiss just because of how he contacted me.
14 comments posted: Tuesday, July 20th, 2021
Don't whack me too hard with those 2x4s
My XWH was doing a little stalking a few weeks back. I decided to speak to him because given his mental illness, I fear NC is causing too much escalation and it's scaring me. Maybe if he feels he has access to me occasionally he'll be less inclined to park outside of my house, etc.
I met up with him in person once - that was draining and unproductive. He texts me every several days. Recently one of his idiot friends was arrested for leaving his toddler home alone - the child wandered out of the house and was found in an alley. The guy is a horrible serial cheater with three children from various affairs in addition to the three he has with his wife of over 20 years. My XWH seemed to have an epiphany when this arrest happened. He's been talking a lot with the guy's wife and urging her to talk to me, has promised he will never blame me again for his actions and claims he finally gets what he did to me.
Naturally, this was all music to my ears, very validating, though I take it with a huge grain of salt. He's had smaller epiphanies and none of them lasted. He always reverts to asshole.
Recently, he's asked me to meet his daughter - they had been estranged for all of her life until after he and I split. She wants to meet me supposedly. I'm on the fence as to whether I should do this. Part of me wants to and part of me doesn't.
It feels incredibly demeaning to be in any kind of friendly, public scenario with a man who traumatized me like he did. So, I don't get why I'm having a hard time saying "No" to him? I don't want to hurt his daughter's feelings I suppose, but maybe it's also to do with still having a void in my life. I'm just not sure. I simply don't understand myself. I suppose NC is not entirely in line with my values - it feels harsh to disown someone I was married to. He's clearly mentally ill and even though it manifests itself in abuse and manipulative behavior I still feel some empathy. Thoughts?
23 comments posted: Thursday, April 15th, 2021
The widower saga continues
Ok - just to be clear, I'm not dating this guy and I've told him that explicitly. He went away for awhile but just sent a random couple of texts.
In one text he referenced a book he apparently read because I said I liked the author. His reference was related to someone in the book "getting head." It's literature by the way, not smut, although there may be sex scenes. I honestly don't remember, because I read this particular book like 25 years ago. He said nothing about the writing style, if he liked the book, the story etc.
Is this normal or appropriate? Do people who don't know each other well talk to each other like this?? Am I hopelessly out of date to find this offensive? I'm clearly a progressive, hip kind of person but that doesn't mean I want men I barely know to speak to me like this. I just don't get it.
I also find it transparent - clearly the man wants sex. I just ignored him after that.
32 comments posted: Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021
Expanding one's life mid-pandemic?
Hey brilliant people,
Any ideas on how to expand my world during a pandemic?
I've revisited old hobbies, walk and hike more, play online monopoly with friends and have a little covid pod I do a minimal amount of socializing with but I need something more. How do you meet new people and do more adventurous activities safely?
I definitely don't want to date.
7 comments posted: Friday, January 29th, 2021
This is dumb but...
So, the widower across the street hit on me. I've known him for about ten years. He's my age. Seems like a cool guy, but I don't know him super well. His wife died a few years ago and recently he's been a little extra friendly. Recently, he full on asked me out. I told him I wasn't ready to date but I'd be okay having a beer or something. So, we went for a beer and he asked to hold my hand - I just went along with it but hated it.
I really didn't know what to do - we were mid conversation, everything was relaxed and comfortable and then he just interjects and grabs my hand and it all happened too quickly for me to process and formulate a response. Now, he's right across the street and I'm freaked out. I would prefer to be friends without physical interaction. I'm no where near ready for that and may never be. He's already texting me today. WTF. I was happy to just have a friend.
32 comments posted: Sunday, January 17th, 2021
Tired of this rollercoaster. Some days I feel hopeful, energetic, happy, dare I say. Other days I wake up with anxiety so intense I can't function other than to watch tv and cruise social media. And just when I think I get it, I've processed the reality of who he is and know that who I loved wasn't even fucking real, I'm weepy over that phantom.
I feel flat lately - nothing bringing joy or hope and nothing terrible happening either. I want to be content with things as they are because nothing may change radically in my life at this point, at least I hope it doesn't (don't want a major move, new relationship or huge career shift). I just don't seem to be able to find happiness in what I have. It's terribly ungrateful - I have more than most, except no family outside of my kids. I miss having a best friend and/or other adults I trust and can count on. I've always found that having good people around me makes even the worst of times bearable.
I do mostly enjoy my young adult son. He's disabled and needs a lot of ongoing parenting but he's a love and good company. Other times, I just want to isolate and I can't because he needs me. My dog is my best buddy, but I feel guilty that my depression gets in the way of giving him regular walks.
I 'm also so troubled by the fact that my STBX is still very much in my head. He's just a constant hovering thought lurking in the shadows. It's like my head space is suffused with him. Doesn't help that he manages to insert himself into my actual life with some regularity.
This really sucks sometimes.
4 comments posted: Saturday, January 16th, 2021
Recovery from SA infidelity and abuse
I've got terrible PTSD, debilitating anxiety and depression as a result of being married to a sex addict.
I go into freeze mode, where getting out of bed is near impossible unless I have to be somewhere. I've done meds and IC and I'll do more of course but I know they only do so much.
Longterm can I expect to be normal again? Will I always be fighting anxiety?
How long did it take folks to feel normal again? And any suggestions for recovery - I know exercise, eating healthy, getting good sleep are important - is there any other therapy that really helped like EMDR or Somatic Experiencing or ??
19 comments posted: Thursday, August 27th, 2020