Thank you for your kind words all.
I know you said you could go on, If you’re interested in sharing more I’d certainly read it.
When I was writing this post I was thinking at how "together" I sound. And how, on this forum, a lot of the times there is a level of righteousness where there’s only one way to do things post Dday, (and to be fair some things are universally true no matter how unique our stories are) which often pushes BSes into a corner and they find themselves compelled to defend their WS or constantly justify themselves.
No matter how together I sound now, it took me close to 3 years to find some sort of normal in my life. I did a lot of wrong things according to this forum (and some where indeed wrong, part of the universal truths of these situations) but I did it according to my instincts and they served me well at times.
I was a total mess for 2-3 years, I made a series of bad decisions to start with (WH worked with ow for 2 and a half years post dday and she used that to constantly tantalise me), I did the pick me dance prior to discovering the A when I noticed something was wrong, I initially thought I could reason with WH and if I gave him an exact "reconciliation plan" he’ll follow it and everything would be ok.
The truth, in some cases, is that whilst WSes have the power and believe themselves to be the prize whilst also knowing you’re not going anywhere, they have no incentive to get their head out of their backside. WH, in the first 4 months, was more concerned about how heartbroken ow was that the A finished, than he as about his wife losing 30lbs in a month, fainting, shaking, having constant high heart rate notifications, panic attacks and fits of crying. When he finally woke up ("coincidentally" just as I lost all interest in investing the our marriage and started preparing for divorce) he was himself shocked at the level of disinterest he displayed towards me. He realised he wasn’t the prize and in fact the prize was sitting right in front of him and he was losing it.
I’m writing all this to clarify that whilst there may be, and there are, users on this forum that did everything right immediately after dday, they are rare and most of us have been doing all those things that later on we ask new BSes not to do.
Your WH’s AP would not go away and caused you a great deal of pain.
Those days were a nightmare, she used to torture me knowing fully well what she was doing and I was at the time finding it impossible to stay away from it. At one point it felt like she was always a step ahead of us in finding info to keep screwing with me, checking my WH’s work diary and pretending he went with him to certain appointments (posting about it on FB), going to places she knew we would go, desperate to remain relevant in our lives. My WH’s line manager was amazing in his support knowing everything and making sure we’re ok in our recovery.
The truth is that she has still not disappeared as far as I can gather, but she just faded into irrelevance. She continued her stalking crazy behaviour until I have lost interest once she got sacked from the company she worked with WH a couple of months before the pandemic.
It became apparent she has returned to the same place of work as WH at the beginning of this year at which point she unblocked me on LinkedIn and viewed my profile to ensure I go back to hers and see where she works (back with WH, same company, different department, no reason to ever interact).
This time the effect was the opposite of what she desired, I just felt pity for a person who wanted to return to the life she had 5 years prior, to a company where people know what she’s done (there’s been an HR investigation and their managers knew about the A and her crazy behaviour post dday).
Since dday my career took off, I’m in a senior role for a high level organisation. She returned on the same level role, no progression/promotion, and wanted to get straight back to the same dynamic from 4-5 years ago (hence the LinkedIn unblock). I even discovered a LinkedIn account in her son’s name at some point (he was about 12 then) that she was obviously using to check up on me. She is blocked on all my socials (and now on LinkedIn too since her unblocking me) and I genuinely feel sorry for how empty her life must be if she wanted to return to that sort of "relationship" with me. I have no interest in her, I don’t care one bit that she’s back in the same company and we actually forget she’s there 99% of time. We’ve grown so much individually and as a couple, that returning to who we were 6 years ago, or even 3 years ago, would be a nightmare.
The only time it comes to mind that she works there is when I realise she knows our every move due to my WH’s out of office, I find that slightly annoying but that will change in due course too if our plans come to fruition.
I look at someone like you and feel a lot of admiration. It's something amazing you've done
Thank you. If I can do it, everyone can do it. I’ve been through moments when I thought that’s it, my life is over. I remember walking into my IC’s office once sobbing so badly…. She later told me she considered calling an ambulance for me to get me into a hospital. I was 38kg (84lbs) and could not see a way forward. So if I was able to come out of there, everyone can, reconciled or divorced. The goal is to come out of infidelity and become the best version of yourself as cliche as that sounds.
Sisoon- thank you as always, and thanks everyone on this forum who offered their support back then.