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Newest Member: PedalingForward

Just Found Out :
Told my wife it is like living with a stranger

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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 7:28 PM on Sunday, July 30th, 2023

I have a question for the experienced heads on here regarding telling STBXWW about spending time with a female friend. My friend is looking to improve her health and wants to do more walking so we have agreed that from next week I will be her walking buddy to keep her motivated. As I live in a small town it is pretty much inevitable that people who know STBXWW will see us and probably mention this to her. Also at some point it is likely that this friendship may turn into a relationship, and again someone is likely to see us together, maybe holding hands or with my arm around her.

What is the accepted wisdom on if/when I should speak to STBXWW about this. Do I tell her so she hears it from me and not from whoever has seen us together, or do I just maintain NC and let her deal with it when someone else tells her.

Also in relation to my post above about my watch collection, I have been able to buy 2 new watches recently because of how much money I am saving since she moved out. My Council Tax (tax paid to local council in the UK) has been discounted because I am now the only adult in the house, my gas/electric/water costs have gone down and the main saving is the money I used to put into her bank account. She has not worked since Covid so I used to pay for her holidays and put £500 into her account most months for day to day spending. Now her account must be getting very low or AP is paying for these holidays and putting money into her account.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8801581
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woodsracer ( member #83407) posted at 7:44 PM on Sunday, July 30th, 2023

I don’t think you need to say anything at all. Your ex may ask and it is your choice if you even respond then.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2023
id 8801583
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Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 7:46 PM on Sunday, July 30th, 2023

An inexperienced tail here, but wondering why you would want to justify anything to your exWW? She sure didn’t tell you when she was cheating while married to you, you shouldn’t have to tell her who you are organically dating as a single man. Enjoy your life, watches, walks guilt free !

posts: 235   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8801584
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 9:23 PM on Sunday, July 30th, 2023

You are a good person to be concerned about telling your STBEXWW about anything going on in your personal life. But she lost the right to have any notice about your activities including who you are dating by cheating and walking away from her M. I would say nothing about it. It is important to focus on what’s important for you and not worry about her reactions. And this is an organic friendship you are developing and not a forced relationship to rub in her face. Take it slow and enjoy your new friend. Always value yourself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:53 PM, Sunday, July 30th]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3801   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8801592
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 10:59 PM on Sunday, July 30th, 2023

She voluntarily gave up all her rights to know anything personal going on in your life.

It is your life. Enjoy it to the fullest.

posts: 254   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8801596
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 12:48 AM on Monday, July 31st, 2023

I understand the concern—I live in a small town too, and if I went for a walk with not my husband, he would hear it fast.

But she is the one who left you. If you had kids together and were coparenting together I might think differently, but you owe her nothing. You’ve taken this slowly, you are caring for yourself, you’re moving on. Why do you need to tell her?

Congrats on the watches!!

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 595   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8801611
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 6:33 PM on Tuesday, August 1st, 2023

My STBXWW has been to the house this morning to collect beetroot and weedkiller. I made a point of being here as I wanted to find out why she was really visiting, put a stop to those visits and also because I wanted to see how I felt seeing her again after a month.

She would not admit any other reason for her visit but did decide to tell me lots of things that are going on in her life, it almost seemed as if she just wanted to talk so was talking about random things, like a bus she was on that broke down in the middle of nowhere. I helped her pick ALL of the beetroot, courgettes and gave her the weedkiller and these things were left on the front bench for her to collect later as she could not carry them all, I also made it clear that this was the final visit and that section of the garden was being cleared by me, so no more excuses to visit.

I took the opportunity to ask her if she was happier now, she took a long moment to think about it and then said that she thinks so. She was very unconvincing and I believe she is just as unhappy there, it is just a different unhappy.

Over the last few days I have had a real push to finish the decorating, build the new flat pack furniture and basically make sure every room looks at it's best, I have also bought some metal wall art and this was in place. This was all done before I knew she was coming round today but the timing could not have been better. As she walked around and saw everything she was not just stunned she was totally speechless, she eventually asked who did it because apparently I cannot decorate, well it turns out that if she is not here critising everything I do, I am capable of far more than she ever realised.

This transformation really shook her up and it was clear that she was wondering what had happened to me to make me change this much and where this person had been hiding, turns out pain and freedom is a wonderful transformer.

With regard to my own feelings I was just hoping to be able to cope comfortably but in fact I felt nothing, no attraction, no love, certainly no desire for her to return or to spend time with her. I was surprised that I felt this way as it seems too soon to be like this but that is just how I felt and in a way the fact that I felt nothing made me feel a little sad. Anyway onwards and upwards, I have new interests to pursue, friends to spend time with and now I need to start thinking about doing some painting outdoors, the front gates are shocking.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8801813
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 9:22 PM on Tuesday, August 1st, 2023

You are moving forward toward indifference. This is excellent for your healing. Of course she would never admit making a mistake or that she is not happier. There is an ego to protect. But you are correct that she will not find happiness in this new life since she expects happiness from an external source. It never works. Good luck with your redecorating.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:22 PM, Tuesday, August 1st]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3801   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8801848
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 11:23 PM on Tuesday, August 1st, 2023

She’s living with the consequences of her choices, and you’re moving forward like a pro. This is where I wish we had pictures on this forum! I’d love to see your metal art.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 595   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8801858
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Unsure2019 ( member #71350) posted at 11:37 PM on Tuesday, August 1st, 2023

I took the opportunity to ask her if she was happier now, she took a long moment to think about it and then said that she thinks so. She was very unconvincing and I believe she is just as unhappy there, it is just a different unhappy.

My guess is that she could see that you're much, much happier without you even saying a word. You've done an amazing job.

posts: 276   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: California
id 8801861
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 5:21 AM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

Oops, yesterday I had a moment of madness and made an error of judgement.

I had been talking to my friend for a couple of hours and we have been discussing STBXWW, relationships and other things, when I asked her "if she would think it very forward of me if I said that I would like to kiss her". She said that she would and that we are just friends, cue red face and embarrassment although she handled it very graciously.

She does know that I have a serious flaw where it comes to reading body language and interpreting these situations, she has mentioned this recently, so she is aware, as am I. I have always had the issue and despite attempts to improve still clearly have a blind spot.

I apologised, and she did message me later to say that I had "done nothing wrong and that I just took her by surprise, we are really good friends now which is great"

So hopefully no damage done to our friendship I just need to calm down a little, let myself settle more, and let time decide if something develops between us rather than being too forward.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8802007
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 4:00 PM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

I don’t think you were crazy or made an error in judgment. You’ve developed feelings for her, and reached out to see if it was mutual. She didn’t reciprocate, and you stepped back and acted appropriately in the situation. Obviously it’s not the response you wanted, and it can be vulnerable and awkward to put yourself out there and not get the reaction you were hoping for. But mature people in mature friendships can overcome this sort of thing. Like you said, something might develop in the future, or you may just continue being friends and nothing more, but the good news is that you’ve built the capacity to move on, and you are building a full life for yourself in the aftermath of the trauma thrust upon you—a life with friendship, hobbies, career, health, etc. you’ve got this.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 595   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8802038
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 3:15 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023

I have seen my friend twice since my comments the other night, and everything is still fine between us. No awkwardness, and our interactions are still very relaxed which is great. She has said that she was very surprised with my comments but has gotten over that now. I am not entirely sure why she was suprised as many of you following this thread saw this coming and to me at least the conversations we have been having had indicated an interest on both sides.

Anyway in keeping with my new found (post STBXWW leaving) optimism I have realised that this could still have been a positive step. She now knows how I am feeling so now she is aware of that if she does develop any feelings herself to see if we could take this friendship further, she knows that I am open to the possibility. We will have to see how things go.

We are having dinner together this week at my house and I am cooking. Those of you who have followed my thread from the beginning will recall that prior to STBXWW moving out we had been cooking together, or as my friend put it she was giving me cooking lessons so I could cope after she left. I am sure he will see the irony of me using those lessons to cook for another lady instead of STBXWW.

I have decided to go for something very simple so that I can make sure I get it right on this first occasion, I will try something more elaborate next time. I am also planning the evening BUT working on the lines of this being a friendly occasion, not romantic, so no candles, roses or champagne. I will of course post an update afterwards.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8803394
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 3:22 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023

My guess is that she could see that you're much, much happier without you even saying a word.


I have been thinking about this and although she did not ask if I was happy, and I did not say anything or try to show that I was happy, I have realised that I was very enthusiastic when I was talking about the house changes, the painting, the wall art, decoration etc.

This was not deliberate and I did not think about it at the time, it was only after reading this comment that it occured to me that I had been really enthusiastic and that she must have picked up on that. So yes she would have left knowing that I am getting on with my life really well without her. That probably was quite hurtful for her, as previous comments have said after losing her wonderfulness she expects me to be a broken mess cowing in the corner.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8803396
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 4:53 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023

So yes she would have left knowing that I am getting on with my life really well without her.

She suddenly realized at that precise moment that she was never a prize that she thought she was. That stings a lot to her.

posts: 456   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8803413
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 5:14 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023

I hope your dinner goes well!

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 595   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8803416
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 6:34 AM on Thursday, August 10th, 2023

Dinner with my friend went very well, at least she was still alive the following day when she called round, so I must have avoided poisoning her at least.

Dinner was a little late as I was running behind on my timings but this just gave us time to chat while I finished the cooking. She seemed pleased that I had laid the table and made it slightly formal, although I did not overdo this with romantic gestures, I just kept it friendly. I did enjoy myself preparing and cooking the meal, it felt very normal, whatever that is.

After dinner we sat and talked for a long time and also watched a video of me on my 21st birthday, this made us both laugh at how young I looked. In total she was here for around 3 hours and it was very relaxed and comfortable between us, as has become usual we had a quick hug before she left. So we are still very close friends and I will have to wait and see if this friendship develops into something more over time.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8803875
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FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 8:19 PM on Friday, August 11th, 2023

Hi IAE,

Glad to hear that your relationship with your divorced friend continues to go well.
It's another sign of the healthy change that has gone on in your life over the past few months.

I reread your thread, and started taking notes of all the changes you have made, and gave up after a page of notes.
I thought that it would take up too much space to post them.
Have others been commenting about the healthy changes in your life?

posts: 104   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8804143
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 9:35 PM on Monday, August 14th, 2023

Have others been commenting about the healthy changes in your life?

Yes everyone I speak too has noticed a positive change, my close friends obviously know the reasons for this, but other people such as those I come into contact with through work have commented that I seem happier although they do not know the reason.

And right on cue 2 weeks after the last messages from STBXWW I have received 2 more. She has sent me a video of the cat she is adopting and asked a question about accessing her online banking, something that I used to do. I did respond to explain and then received another message to say her eyesight is still bad and commenting on how the football team that I support did at the weekend. I sort of understand the first message but there was no reason for the second one.

I also contacted the D people this morning for an update and there was still a mixup with my application. They managed to sort this out while I was on the phone and the first stage of paperwork should be received by post very shortly. As this includes a copy sent to her new address she will understand that I am still pushing the D through.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8804399
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 12:09 AM on Tuesday, August 15th, 2023

She has sent me a video of the cat she is adopting and asked a question about accessing her online banking, something that I used to do. I did respond to explain and then received another message to say her eyesight is still bad and commenting on how the football team that I support did at the weekend.

Curious: why do you continue to engage her? She fired you as husband and insists on living the remainder of her life without you. I’m not suggesting being a jerk to her, but why not either ignore these requests or politely ask her to get help from her new man? You’re moving on with your life - why not complete that by politely asking her to stop coming to you and/or just ignoring her?

posts: 315   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8804414
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