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Just Found Out :
Told my wife it is like living with a stranger

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Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 7:06 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Do you have an update for us, iamenough?

posts: 150   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8808614
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 10:55 AM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Hi, everything gone quiet at the moment, next scheduled contact from STBXWW (assuming she keeps to her 2 weekly schedule) will be Tuesday next week. I have some time off work next week and I am spending part of that time sorting out the garden building (gym). I have decided that I have gone off the current wall colour, so have bought some paint, (a nice light blue), and intend to do a full deep clean, paint and sort out the equipment so that it is all ready for the colder winter months.

Personally I have had a rough couple of weeks with reducing the meds, and still have a couple of weeks to go, but keeping my eye on the prize of being drug free in October.

I am also still getting used to the idea of living alone and being able to do just what I want, it is taking some time for that to really sink in but I am enjoying getting there. It is very liberating to be able to do just what you want all the time, and that this extends to the future, I really have no idea what I want long term, but enjoying that feeling of freedom and that it is my choice. I understand that I am not ready for a new relationship and wonder if I ever will, I will see what the future brings but again it is a nice thought that it is totally my choice as to whether/when I let someone into my life.

The weather has turned colder this week in the UK, according to my cats anyway, and they have decided that the best spot for sleeping overnight is on my bed, so most nights now I go to sleep with 3 cats on the bed, and they are still there when I wake up. It does have the advantage of being able to see exactly when I get up so they can make sure breakfast is served instantly.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808840
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 4:41 AM on Tuesday, October 3rd, 2023

Turns out there might still be some small unresolved anger issues going on. A couple of days ago whilst clearing out some more stuff I found a stack of cards that we had sent each other, birthday, anniversary, christmas. Reading the printed words and the things she had written made me quite cross as she has turned her back on those sentiments and betrayed me.

I was going to put them in the recycling bin but then had a moment of inspiration and decided to set fire to them. I have no idea what they coat these cards with but they were very reluctant to burn, however a judicious application of spray cooking oil when the flames had gone out, and fanning the small flames when they returned did the trick and I now have just a pile of ashes, and felt much better.

Only 2 tablets left to take so by this time next week the meds should have flushed out of my system and I can then really see how I am coping without chemical help, withdrawal symptoms have been awful but are wearing off now.

Also no contact from STBXWW for 3 weeks, so either she has got the message or missed last weeks fortnightly contact because I know she was away on holiday.

I gave the gym a makeover last week as planned, so the walls are now a calming light blue and I just need to put everything back straight, decide where I want the equipment and then accessorise. Whilst painting I had time to think and I realised that it feels that STBXWW had kept the other friend as a backup option for years, just things she said before she left, and has now decided to exercise that option. At the same time I believe she thought that she would be able to keep me as her backup option if things did not work out with him because obviously I loved her too much and would not be able to cope without her.

Obviously events have not worked out like that, she has been shocked by me just getting on with my life, the house changes that I have made, and I suspect especially by the fact that I have not once contacted her since she left other then to politely reply to her messages when necessary or to pass on a factual message such as the voicemail left on my phone for her by the eye clinic.

She must have realised by now that I am not just sitting here waiting for her to return, and the back up option is not available, at least not available without her convincing me that she could do the work to be a safe partner and that allowing her back into my life would enhance it, not take it back to where we were.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8810342
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 8:07 AM on Saturday, October 28th, 2023

Update, I have now been drug (meds) free for over 2 weeks, and it has been brutal. The withdrawal symptoms when I was reducing the dosage were bad enough but nothing prepared me for the aftermath. The mood swings were very sudden and there have been tears, lots of tears, things are improving now but I still feel my emotions are on a bit of a knife edge and it takes very little to tip me over, I have also realised that I am currently very over-sensitive to things people say or do.

My friends are still being very supportive but have both managed to upset me this week, one has started using the phrase 'Yr Ex' in her texts and I was not ready to read this yet, and when talking to the other friend she was speaking about a different situation when she used the words 'she should have kept him happy at home then he would not have strayed', those words cut right through me like a knife although she had no idea of the impact of what she had just said/done. As I said I feel at the moment I am very sensitive, but hopefully this will improve.

Still no contact from STBXWW although again this week by chance I glanced out the window and noticed her walking past. If I am seeing her doing this occasionally it does make me wonder how many times she does so without me noticing and the why. I think for myself I would want to stay away and not be reminded but who know what is going through her head.

Also following my promotion a couple of months ago I have a new member of staff, to replace me, and as we no longer have a proper office only hotdesks, and I have an excellent home office setup I have been doing a lot of her training at my own home, also due to the nature of the job it requires us to go out and visit client homes. So I wonder if STBXWW or her friends have noticed that there is a different car parked on my drive regularly, or have seen us walking the streets together. The job requires us to wear anonymous clothing and not wear name badges in public, so there would be nothing to confirm that we were working other than the time of day.

Pretty sure I have everything ready for the next D documents that I need to submit, and to avoid lining solicitors pockets further this will necessitate meeting with STBXWW to get her signature on the documents and agree the process for determining the finanical assets that will need to be divided.

[This message edited by Iamenough666 at 1:36 PM, Tuesday, October 31st]

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8813238
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 6:55 PM on Saturday, October 28th, 2023

You have done so well putting yourself in a stronger position. Good luck in your face-to-face meeting to discuss D matters. Do your best to look at this as strictly a business discussion. Civil but business-like. Prepare yourself for your emotions and to remain calm and focused. You have a great future in front of you. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3892   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8813266
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 11:17 PM on Monday, October 30th, 2023

You should be really proud of the work you've done. The meds are a great temporary tool, but learning how to cope is the critical part that will stay with you. You are doing so well.

posts: 157   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8813477
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 7:13 AM on Saturday, November 4th, 2023

I rarely swear but this morning I am fu**ing speechless, woke up this morning to the following whatsapp from my STBXWW

I see XXX lost tonight! Big games against XXX. How are you? I have had my eye done...what a faff it was. Spent the 6 weeks b4 op just looking at nothing as I couldn't see. Am in town tomorrow...coffee?

I literally have no idea what is going through her mind to think this was an appropriate message following her actions and about 6 weeks of NC. Does she still think that we are going to be friends, I thought our earlier communications had made it clear that that was not going to happen, I am still too hurt right now to even think about being friendly towards her.

I put my phone down and walked away so I did not instantly respond with something inappropriate.

Once I had calmed down I responded to say yes because I needed to speak to her anyway to discuss getting the house valued so I can get on with completing the financial forms to progress our D. My message was polite but formal, and made it clear that I am still moving ahead and completing the next steps to finalise the D.

Any experienced thoughts as to why she would still be sending friendly messages like this.

[This message edited by Iamenough666 at 7:27 AM, Saturday, November 4th]

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8814011
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 7:18 AM on Saturday, November 4th, 2023

It's one of two things:

1. She's realizing the grass is not greener on the other side.

2. If you're her friend, than clearly what she did was not that bad. look

Your response was very good, and I would keep it business only if you must see her.

NC means no new hurts.

posts: 448   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8814012
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 7:40 AM on Saturday, November 4th, 2023

Your STBXWW is breathtakingly arrogant. Of course you have indicated you do not want to be friends with someone who betrayed you so badly, but you couldn’t possibly have meant it. She is super special! In her mind she uses people, and she was done with you, but of course you understand it was not personal. How could you possibly not be interested in her life? She is super special.

If you must meet her, be civil but all business. Do not feed the beast. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3892   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8814013
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 9:27 AM on Saturday, November 4th, 2023

My advice would be to avoid this coffee conversation if its not absolutely necessary for you. Obviously, you still have feelings for her which is nothing unusual. Somewhere you also feel that she is sending some hopeful signals to you through these messages and invitations. May be they are signals of reproachment or may be not. It really doesn't matter because in the end she will hurt you again. She is still acting out of her selfish interest and not with your care and happiness in her mind. You are still vulnerable, emotional and hurt. In this state of yours, you shouldn't go on any social interactions with her. You will be even more disappointed and hurt after these interactions. Every interaction you had since she left the house has never been satisfying in any way. You always suffered disappointment, sadness and hurt. This won't be any different either. Also, saying 'No' to this invitation will make your message that you don't want to remain friends with her even more clear and louder for her and also to you. She and you might both 'get it' this time.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8814014
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Mac1976 ( member #42288) posted at 12:31 PM on Saturday, November 4th, 2023

If she can’t decide if she wants you or someone else, yet she’s married, you should help her make that decision right this second. You’re the one who holds all the cards right now.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2014
id 8814016
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 12:36 PM on Saturday, November 4th, 2023

I think nomudnolotus nailed it with your stbxww's likely intent.

posts: 967   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8814017
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lparistotle ( member #78629) posted at 12:52 PM on Saturday, November 4th, 2023

"Coffee" may mean "I can see clearly no the rain is gone". Be polite listen and move forward. that ship has sailed.

[This message edited by lparistotle at 12:52 PM, Saturday, November 4th]

posts: 51   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2021   ·   location: US
id 8814018
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 2:19 PM on Saturday, November 4th, 2023

Nice updates about work and the house, and even the meds, though I’m sorry it’s been so difficult as you move off of them. It’s natural and normal and even healthy to be where you are emotionally right now. You’ve suffered an enormous betrayal and been badly hurt. I was abnormally sensitive for almost two years after my husband’s affair, and I still feel slightly off kilter over three years later, with a higher base anxiety level and more easily thrown by random things. Accept your emotions and go easy on yourself and keep doing all the amazing things you’ve been doing.

I agree that the bizarre coffee message might be either her realizing that the grass isn’t greener or her making a show of how it’s all water under the bridge and you two can be great friends now. Since being betrayed myself I’ve realized that 9 times out of 10, when the cheater betrays and leaves and then makes a big show of being magnanimous and friendly, they’re just trying to cover up their own actions and minimize the hurt they’ve caused so they look better to themselves and other people. Because hey, things just didn’t work out, but we’re all friends now so it’s fine!!

If you do meet up with her, I would keep it short and sweet and all business. Keep an eye on your emotional temperature and back out if you need to. You’ve worked hard to get where you are; don’t let her cause you any setbacks.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 630   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8814024
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:43 PM on Saturday, November 4th, 2023

Either she is so self absorbed that your pain never gets through to her, or she is trying to keep you on the hook. Since both of those are signs of a selfish person I don’t know what you would get out of seeing her.

Cheaters often are not aware of how their behaviors affect others. That is why NC is in your best interest.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 4:44 PM, Saturday, November 4th]

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4252   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8814035
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 7:12 PM on Saturday, November 4th, 2023

Well that a very interesting 'coffee', she has not changed at all, she was sarcastic, critical and very very unhappy, it just radiates out of her. She was here for about an hour and spent most of that time moaning about AP.

My friend had prewarned me that she would be critical and to be prepared for that, and boy was she right. She made a sarcastic remark before she had even stepped inside, criticised the fact that I was still doing painting (I had an area of the floor covered because I was painting the loft access today), the colour choices I have made and best of all that my diet is not going well because I had put on weight, it was all quite amusing really.

I was super polite, and did not respond to her comments, she was trying to provoke me to get a reaction and got nothing, I believe the phrase on this forum is grey rock, well that is what she got this morning. I told her I knew that I had put on weight and this is a known side-effect of the meds, but it was coming back under control since I no longer needed them and had finished taking them, the shock on her face at that point was obvious.

It seemed as if the purpose of her visit was to see if she could get a response out of me, which failed spectacularly, and to spend a lot of time complaining about AP. Apparently he is away this weekend with his mates getting drunk, I could not list on here the many criticisms of him and his friends as it would take too long, but she is particularly bitter about the money he is having to pay his STBXW every month as she is still technically part of his business. She is unsure what is happening with their D, although his ex has appointed a solicitor and is already demanding financial details from him, that D is definately going to be one to watch with your bag of popcorn. STBXWW says that she does not even know if their D has been applied for, as she has not seen a court letter to confirm that the process is underway, the same letter she has received for our D.

She did say several times that there is no rush to progress with our D, but I replied "that I did not know what her future plans were and whether she planned to M AP, but obviously our D needed to be finalised before she could M him." So I just showed her that I am being super considerate of whatever her future plans are.

I have to say her behaviour this morning made the visit very easy for myself, the more she showed how unhappy she still is and the more she was critical of me just reinforced my feelings that this is not a person I want in my life, and that although this process has been/is painful the end result with be more happiness for me, I am in a much better place without her presence. I do feel sorry for her because she is so unhappy and her choices have certainly not brought her any peace, we are clearly now on very different paths to our futures.

So I took the moaning and criticism and turned the meeting to my advantage by getting the end result that I wanted, we have verbally agreed a financial settlement that I am satisfied with, and I got her to sign the next form that I need to submit to the courts, so I can keep the D progressing. The rest of the process should be straight-forward but I am sure she will still manage to throw a curve ball or two before this is finished.

My friend came to see me later in the day and I told her what had been said. Her opinion is that STBXWW was sounding out to see if there was any sign that I wanted to R. STBXWW had been with her friends last night before she messaged me so had probably been discussing the situation with them. My friend is also convinced that STBXWW has realised that life with AP will not be a good life, she knows that she is going to get a large sum of money from me and she is planning an escape route because she will not want AP to get his hands on any of that money.

If my friend is correct what a sorry state of affairs that will be, STBXWW will have walked away from an M that I believed (past tense) could have been saved, a person that truly cared for her and would have looked after her, a financial future that although not rich would have been comfortable and for what, to be left with nothing other than some money, and to be alone, probably still unhappy. To be honest I would be happier if she was happy because that would at least feel that the pain has sort have been worth it, but she seems to have gained nothing and lost an awful lot.

[This message edited by Iamenough666 at 5:35 AM, Monday, November 6th]

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8814043
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:46 PM on Saturday, November 4th, 2023

I know someone who is her own worst enemy. She is also miserable just like your ww. Tries to dump all of it on her family and friends. One by one we have bailed. This is to say that by the time we are adults we are stuck with whatever personality we have. Your ww is the perfect example of "wherever she goes, there she is". She took herself into the next life. The scenery might have changed but the passenger didn’t.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 11:47 PM, Saturday, November 4th]

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4252   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8814056
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FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 5:54 AM on Saturday, November 11th, 2023

Hi IAE,

An amazing meeting you had with your STBXWW and my compliments for the way you handled it.
Not responding to antagonise the situation - despite her "barbs" concerning the painting et al - and getting the financial settlement form signed - well done.

I can pity your ExWW, she has chosen poorly.
In contrast you seem to be choosing well.
Do you find that you are having a better perspective of yourself, and of her (especially regarding her attitudes and actions) and of the relationship you once shared?

I was chatting with a new friend yesterday regarding these dimensions of a relationship, and she has made such progress in understanding her exWH. He's no longer an amazing guy who was the light of her life, but rather a gaslighter who DARVOed her.
And she's not the pathetic abuser he made her out to be, and really their relationship was toxic.

What further insights are you gaining about your STBXWW and your previous relationship that are helping you in your healing?
Regards,
FAWH.

posts: 131   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8814862
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 8:04 AM on Monday, November 13th, 2023

Hi FAWH

I have realised that my understanding of myself and of my STBXWW had improved dramatically over the last few months, I can see now that I was being 'suffocated' by the dynamics of our M and now free of that I can do what I want, when I want. I can make whatever changes around the house that I choose, and paint in whatever colours I want. It is hard to describe how liberating that feels after many years of her making those decisions. I am definately a different person to the old me.

I did have a little wobble last weekend caused by her messages and her visit but then the clouds cleared and I am now feeling really really comfortable with the situation. I know that the next few months while our D progresses are not going to be easy, and I know she is still going to throw a few curveballs at me during that time, but you know what, bring it on.

I am much stronger and more ready than I have ever been and know that I have got this, whatever this is. I feel now that I am in complete control of my life and whatever decisions I make, will be made by ME, for the good of ME. Obviously I do not know what she is going to do next but I no longer care. If the D completes I know that I can make a life for myself, being single and having full responsibility for the house no longer scares me because I know that I can do it. If she wants to talk about R, I will talk to her, but any possibility of that will be on my terms, at my pace, and R would only happen if she could convince me that it would make my life better.

If she cannot do that, or is not willing to do the work to make her someone I believe would be a safe partner then it is better that we part ways amicably. I was also concerned what I would need her to do to convince me and then realised that I have all the tools I need right here. The articles, guidance and recommended books on this website would all be useful in working that out, and again it seems that this website has equipped me with the knowledge to move forward, I am very grateful I found this place.

House changes continue at a furious pace and I am now questioning everying that I have around me and things that I have always done. This has meant a lot of things being thrown out and daily routines changed, so that my surroundings and routine work for me and my new lifestyle, all very enjoyable. I have also been catching up on some maintenance issues so had an electrician in to check the electrics, they found a few minor issues so are returning this week to do those, and to fit some new ceiling lights that I have bought. Also got rid of the nasty 1970s toilet roll holder that my STBXWW refused to throw out because it was 'retro' and replaced with a modern one.

During the clear out I found some old documents that I needed to pass to her so I took these round to her friend and left them there for her to collect when she next visits. Had a coffee and a chat with her and she says that my STBXWW is very very confused and does not seem to know what is going on in her own head. Also my STBXWW has been on holiday this week (she told me during our coffee meeting), she got home on Friday and that same evening she messaged me with a question about a letter she had received from the bank some weeks ago, she then went on to tell me about the holiday and about her sister. There is no need for her to tell me these things any more, she can tell AP. I answered her question but made no further comments.

Now just moving on with my changes and waiting to see what she throws at me next.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8815006
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 7:39 PM on Monday, November 13th, 2023

Thanks for the update
Keep up the changes for you. It's the process of healing and realizing what you want, not to be overriden by your STBXWW or anyone else.

Just my thoughts, because I know you are trying to keep things on an even keel until the D is settled, and you are a polite person. But when she starts to blather on about her holiday or her sister, or any other personal issue, remind her civilly that she fired you from caring about these matters, and she should be confiding to her AP not you. One of the consequences of cheating on your partner and walking away, is that you no longer get to impose on your Ex about personal issues. This is a reasonable boundary. These are not your problems or your issues. Good luck

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3892   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8815039
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