SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OP, you may want to get your WW to reconfirm her position that she was too drunk on the two occasions she had sex with OM to remember any of the details. Any woman that drunk lacks the legal capacity to consent to sex. IF she does so, tell her to grab her things because you’re taking her to the police station for her to file a rape complaint against OM. I bet that she’ll regain her memories real quick when she faces the legal ramifications of her current story. I’m sorry if this is harsh for you to hear.

@Alonelyagain

Very well said and exactly what the OP needs to read and understand.

Just my two cents when it comes to the kids.

I would only say the reason WHY the D happens is if you choose to D.

If you think you may reconcile, the kids may really not need those details. You can say you and your wife are having some issues but working on it.

But they don’t need the details IMO unless you are getting a D. Then they need the truth in a way that they can deal with it. They don’t need all the details - but they can be told their mom cheated on you more than once.

And it just cannot be fixed.

Standing slow clap Alonelyagain
STANDING. SLOW. CLAP.

Given that op caught them in the act and did not report her as being too drunk to realize what was happening. She is lying and he knows she is lying and she knows you know she is lying.

We can continue to play games or start dealing with problems. First, see an attorney, you need to know what you are legally facing. Second she needs to get std tests. You need to get std tests, Three, She needs to send a no contact letter. Four, you need for her to talk with family and close friends as to what happened. The kids must be told in an age appropriate way.

As stated, if she was drunk to the stage where consent wasn’t possible it’s rape. I would however be clear that there is a difference between ethical standards and legal standards regarding the definition of rape.

Is this typical of your wife when she drinks? Does she get completely legless and black out, doing things she regrets next morning? If not – don’t you find this rather convenient as far as excuses go?

I agree with the others OP that your WW's story is not adding up.

Great post Alonelyagain! post #81

The op caught them in the act so he knows better than any of us as to the condition she was in. I would rather he threaten divorce than the police. He needs to take control and hold is WW accountable.

I guess he couldn't find the answers he expected here.He must be looking for a place that will encourage him to stay with his wife.

I don't think he will come back again.

I can't advocate leaving this betrayal/humiliation behind and keeping the family together etc. when both families are just steps away.

I appreciate all of the feedback here. I have to take breaks from reading everything because it is making the depression I am going through worse at times.

As far as legal action for non-consensual sex, I’ll put an end to that talk now. This wasn’t the first time this happened. Just the first they were caught. I am not destroying the lives of either mine or their kids by bringing a charge like that up.

Other than that, I am continuing work with my IC. We had our first MC on Saturday. I am starting on an anti-depressant for the short term. I am not doing well right now. Yesterday was my birthday, and for some reason it hit extremely hard. As all of you know, this fucking sucks.

This is why I differentiated between legal and ethical rape. I never believed you had any grounds to charge him or even assume he had more accountability than your wife. To me the issue was more as a tool to dismiss your wife’s excuse.
I guess the main issue regarding the role of alcohol is accountability...
IMHO it can actually damage reconciliation if you think "she drank too much, therefore she cheated" rather than "she cheated". The alcohol is at best only a crutch.
That is – unless this is a pattern of behavior, and that’s why I asked about that: Is this typical of your wife when she drinks? Does she get completely legless and black out, doing things she regrets next morning?

As all of you know, this fucking sucks.

Yes, it does. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

Over on the General forum I recently posted about a very good, close friend of mine that had gone through the same thing as you... seeing his wife f**king another man with his very eyes. It drastically changed him in a dramatic fashion. He changed overnight from always being joking, laughing, outgoing man to a withdrawn, never smiling, head hanged down type of man. It happened to him back in the 70s and he just recently passed away a few years ago.

Back then he lived in a very small farming community where counseling and other services to help him was not available. He did the best he could. He stayed married to his cheating wife where I guess that each day when he saw her he was reminded of how she betrayed him. He had been pressured by his church leaders to remain married.

Whether you divorce or whether you reconcile is not our decision. It is your decision... not any of we anonymous internet strangers. We can only hand out to you what we think and what we ourselves have experienced. I really and truly hope that whatever decision you make, it will allow you to live the happiest life possible under the circumstances.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 11:19 PM, Tuesday, September 24th]

@Bigger. I get where you are coming from. It is rare, but she can drink herself to not remembering anything. It doesn’t happen often, but does happen occasionally.

Let me give you my final advice.

What you wrote gives the impression that your wife is comfortable being with her relationship partner at home and that she has had relationships with different partners in the past.

You should know that people who lie to you will continue to lie in therapy, MC will not give you the answers you are looking for,

plan polygraphy first, get an idea about how many relationships, how many years, whether partners are around you, this well may be very deep,

Difficult decision to stay/divorce, but focus on your personal health first, seek inpatient treatment if necessary, but prioritize your own traumas, do not suffer alone, connect with people who will support you,

do not hide the situation and do not harm yourself.

Happy belated birthday. I wish it was under better circumstances.

Unthought -

You have gotten great insights and advice here, but I want to share one experience I had that might also be helpful to you. Someone here said that you should ask your WW to devise a plan herself to help you recover and trust her again, and that is a good idea, but the reality is that neither of you know what such a plan should look like since your worlds just blew up and you have not dealt with such trauma before.

I am a compulsive researcher, and when my world blew up I did a LOT of research to try to figure out what to do. And the very best resource I found was a book recommended to you in passing on page 1 of your post: How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. This is a book directed AT the cheating spouse, explaining how to make a plan to help the betrayed spouse and become a person capable of being trusted. I read it, marked it up in the margins, and gave it to my husband, who was just trying to rugsweep everything. I told him he had 48 hours to read it (it is short) and come to me, sit down, and explain what he would do to give us a chance to reconcile. After a day he had not started it, and I told him this was non-negotiable and I would file for divorce if he did not do this research and thinking.

The book shocked him, especially in explaining how gutted a BS feels, and he accepted things said there that he would have resisted coming from me. The book was like having a teacher and mediator helping BOTH of us. So I hope you will get this invaluable resource, and read it for yourself at least, so that you understand what to look for in WW's behavior. But she should also read it to maybe get the wake-up call that my WH did.

Folks who know me here know I recommend this book a lot, and they may scroll by and I do not blame them. But this trauma is so raw and so horrific for the BS and we are ALWAYS at a loss in the beginning even in assessing what is happening to us, let alone making decisions about our future. And the book will show you a path where you can start. This site also will give you the real-time input of truly generous and knowledgeable people who genuinely care what happens to you.

Best,
Odonna

Wow. This emotional roller coaster is no joke. I was having a good weekend with WW. I just asked her to take my gun and hide it where I would never find it. I don’t think I would ever do that, but I’ve never wished I was dead more in my life. I promise you all that she did take it; and I don’t know where it is. I also don’t think I would ever go that far. I hurt so fucking bad. I know this is nothing new to this group, I still needed to get it out.

UTK,

How is she reacting? Is she simply pleading ignorance by way of alcohol?

UTK, Infidelity was the worst pain I've been through. I thought about suicide for a short minute but knew that wasn't something I'd do. I've lost parents, almost lost kids...and infidelity is the worst.

Hang in there, UTK. I was barely functional the first year.

Do you have access to a punching bag or something? I used to go to my car and scream until I had no voice left. We lived in the country, so I'd sit on the porch with my son's dog and howl. Let the pain come up from my belly and come out as a big old howl. My version of scream therapy, I guess. There are some places that have rage rooms where you can go whack the heck out of stuff with a sledgehammer. Or try batting cages and pretend the ball is either your WW or AP.

The Suicide Prevention line is 988 and you can call or text. Please use the resource if you need to.

Friend, defiantly start watching and following Jake Porters work. Hopefully you have read Betrayal Bind. So sorry this happened. It will get better. Pray often...God heals the broken in heart.