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I’m glad that your update is somewhat positive and hopeful for a successful Reconciliation.

As I posted early on, the 🚩is that they still work together.

I understand the job situation, but you need to come first. I hope you know that.

Thank you for the update LostSquid. I don't understand the job he holds, but that sounds like a mess. I would really recommend 2 things ....read Betrayal Bind concurrently and talk about it. Second .....dig into Jake Porters videos and if you can, his webinars.

Well ...a third....really seek God. He knows how to help you navigate this. I truly hope and pray your husband is touched and becomes broken in heart so he can start to truly understand what he has done....and help start making amends and showing empathy. Keep us updated. Don't give up...the one who can still the storm can change hearts and lead you to healing.

Thank you for the update LostSquid. I don't understand the job he holds, but that sounds like a mess. I would really recommend 2 things ....read Betrayal Bind concurrently and talk about it. Second .....dig into Jake Porters videos and if you can, his webinars.

Well ...a third....really seek God. He knows how to help you navigate this. I truly hope and pray your husband is touched and becomes broken in heart so he can start to truly understand what he has done....and help start making amends and showing empathy. Keep us updated. Don't give up...the one who can still the storm can change hearts and lead you to healing.

Well ...a third....really seek God. He knows how to help you navigate this. I truly hope and pray your husband is touched and becomes broken in heart so he can start to truly understand what he has done....and help start making amends and showing empathy. Keep us updated. Don't give up...the one who can still the storm can change hearts and lead you to healing.

I have been spending many, many afternoons on my face on the floor in prayer and my Bible, many 3ams with my hands on my sleeping husband praying over him, and many days with music from artists like Lauren Daigle in my ears, on the TV, or playing somewhere in the background. God is the God of possible. I am trusting Him in this situation. And, slowly.... slowly... I am seeing the answers to my prayers. I know my Abba has me no matter the outcome. Although my husband is struggling to know why God didn't answer when he was desperate and to understand why God would let this happen (to break us and rebuild or break us and destroy), I fully believe that He is using this opportunity to teach me about trust, what love *really* is, and to pull closer to Him.

The job situation is just... a mess. I know that the answer is no to job #2. I know the best answer is a new place. I just don't know if it's possible. Praying over it every day.

Thank you for letting me ramble.

Yes....He will show Himself Faithful. What you are doing is exactly what you should be. Keep it up.

Yes...God uses evil for good ...it shows His power, glory, and goodness.

It is a long road, but one that will teach you much. Lord bless you. Keep seeking...don't give up.

I recall one of my first posts and someone told me I was doing the "pick me" dance and that would never work. It didn't work and unfortunately you are doing it too.

He doesn't know if he wants to work on our marriage or not. He's feeling lost and confused. He told me that he wouldn't sleep with her again, but is struggling with not being allowed to contact her anymore. They work closely together and that makes it 100 fold more challenging. He thinks she is the salvation to all his problems, and she's needy and broken too so I can't see how it will lead to something better for him if he chooses her after all this.

My WH had a workplace A, but he did not confess and he lied and claimed he would not contact her anymore but did. We were supposed to be working on "us" but the reality was that he was not really doing it because he was not all in. Your WS is not all in either - you have just been given the gift of him telling you so.

I am going to suggest that you stop thinking about getting him "back" and make a plan not for you all if you work things out but for you because it might not. Honestly at your stage I could not even imagine things not working out for us, and I was not prepared to even think that it might not. But I wish I had. Not because it didn't work out (we divorced but still date now - 5 years after the A ended), but because it put me on the back foot, and when I'd had enough of trying to wait around for him to decide I wasn't ready/prepared financially or otherwise to leave. Much like so many of us on here only when I made real plans to leave and to just get myself out of infidelity did my WH decide maybe he needed to figure out why he did what he did - what inside of him made that okay - when he had so many other choices including leaving me if that is really what he wanted to do.

The plan for you is not because you are going to leave (leave meaning separate and/or divorce) but because you need to have some control over your future and allowing your WS to have all the control when he is the bad actor is like handing the car keys to a drunk driver. and hoping they make the right decision.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:01 PM, Monday, October 28th]

Thanks ThisisLonely. I think you are answering my original post from August. I've been working hard on not being a pick me dance. I was doing some of the things we both agreed to do so we could connect at least since we were in crisis and it helped.

Now, we are over that immediate repair stage and hyperbonding and whatever. Reality is sinking in and you are right. This week has been a crappy, horrible one. Every day is kicking me in the stomach and trying to hold me down.

Monday I was feeling unsettled. I realized that I need to shift from his needs / wants / thoughts to thinking about myself. I spent some time trying to figure out what that meant, exactly.

Tuesday early morning before work we were talking and he told me that he is torn and can't decide me or her. I spiralled badly - like had to get out of the car on the side of the road because of a panic attack badly. Like, imagining myself driving into the lake so I could just feel something else bad. Thankful for my kids that remind me that's not a plan and for friends who are willing to talk me down.

Yesterday, he sent me long huge texts about how he is struggling and confused and knows he needs to talk to someone because his brain is all f'd up and he needs help. He asked me to help him find someone, so I reached out my counsellor and she helped connect me with someone. I gave him their contact details because *he* has to ask for help, not have me schedule it for him. He told me that he is so frustrated that we've been going to a therapist for 2 months and haven't actually talked about anything useful, so he wanted to talk when he got home to tackle some of the big things he's struggling with about our marriage and why it's so hard to figure out her or me.

After work, we talked for like 4 hours. It was hard, but good, I guess. Remorse or guilt or some huge emotion is tearing him apart and he knows he's fucked up and still doesn't know what he wants to do. He knows that no matter what someone is going to hurt from the results of this. And that's put him in a "don't want to make a choice" mode. He admitted to me that he's been blacking out because he hasn't been eating - which is a massive pain point for me since we have a kid with an eating disorder..... I told him he has to start taking care of himself - if not for himself or me, for our kids. He just sobbed and said no. He told me they had been NC for a month after he decided to work on the marriage with me, but that they have started talking again. That they are hanging out at work. He knows he's opened Pandora's Box and can't put it all back in, but can't really understand the mess in his head. I had to take a kid somewhere for a couple of hours and found him in bed, mostly unresponsive and fully dressed for the first time in months. He didn't even touch me.

I ended up not sleeping at all last night - I was just beside myself with thoughts and my brain wanting to curl up and die. The thought of "if you love him, let him go" bounced loudly in my head, because if he doesn't need to stress about everything, then I came downstairs and made eggs for him to put into breakfast sandwiches this week because even if we don't end up together, I don't want him to kill himself. When I tried to slip back into bed at like 2 am, he asked where my brain is at and then we ended up talking until he had to get out of be at 5:30. This was a more brutal raw kind of conversation. I let some of the anger I haven't really had so far come up.

So here's me, on a day when I've had no sleep at all, trying to just function with a houseful of kids with wicked colds, dropping him off lunch while picking up our son from work. I was poking around my computer today, working on something pointless and ended up on my 2nd IG account which I never log into.

What do I find? A reel he sent me in July. It's this loving one, about "if I could give you one gift in the whole world, it would be to see yourself through my eyes so you can see how special you are to me." I missed it. I missed it.

9 days later, he slept with her. And now my whole life is flipped upside down and she's going to take him away from me.

And then I wonder... wonder if it was meant for her. Or if he sent it to us both.

And then.... I see it. He's following her on IG. I couldn't stop myself. I clicked her profile. I shouldn't have. All the posts in the last few months are her in very provocative bikinis and sultry makeup face. I honestly haven't thought much about her until now. She's just been this "thing." Now it's real in my head. Am I allowed to cuss on this forum?? Because I'm about to. Fucking Skanky Slutty Bitch.

Now my brain is like "of course he doesn't want you. Look at that body." "Of course he doesn't want you, her boobs are perfect and round and yours are all worn out from motherhood."

I want to scream but I can't because I've mostly lost my voice. I want to cry but I can't because I'm too tired and used up so many of my tears. . I want to tear something into pieces (my poor journal just got a whole page of pen stabs).

I hope he makes the decision to talk to someone today.

But maybe, just maybe, it's too late. Maybe I don't get my happy ending. Maybe I get a broken family and a broken heart thanks to a woman who thought it would be okay to entangle a married man and a husband who decided to focus on a skanky bitch instead of his wife, children, and the life we had together because he painted it all so black that he gave up on us.

I guess I need to give up on us too. And that might kill me.

I'm trying to trust God, but man... one thing, then the next thing, then the next thing.

EDIT TO ADD: He just texted that he made a therapist appointment tonight. And I think I'm going to sign up for btr org's group therapy because I need more help than just talking to people.

[This message edited by LostSquid at 6:57 PM, Thursday, October 24th]

LostSquid...I am so very sorry. Words cannot describe the pain you are going through ...many of us have felt it however. He is in darkness at the moment.

Really, draw near to God....pour out your heart to Him. Pray through the Psalms. Start in Psalm 62 and keep going. He knows and cares and although you cannot see the way out....know that He does. I pray for you. Lean heavy on Christ.🙏

LostSquid, He’s showing you very clearly where he stands , it would be sad if you don’t prepare and get your ducks in a row. You did not sign up to be in a competition with the skanky B. You are better than that. So tell him, he is free to go. You don’t need someone that struggles to choose you. Please reject him before he casts you aside. There’s a small chance he might get back to his senses. Even if he doesn’t , you will be prepared.
P.S. God wouldn’t want you to be a part of this circus with all these jokers.

I know.

He is so so confused and broken. He actually told me last night before his therapy that he has been wanting to leave and they are waiting for proof the marriage is over. So, I passed him my wedding rings and said he was free to go. and I walked out of our room. I was going to actually walk out of the house, but I wasn't dressed. So I went back to get dressed and just.... couldn't.

He was devastated. Begged me to come talk more. I just listened. He says it's like his mind is split in two and he is at war with himself. The idea of her is just escaping from the pain he's felt in our marriage, like a quick solution - because it's so complex and confusing here.

His counselling time was good for him. I haven't seen him so ... light? In a long time.

But then we were back to heavy this morning. He left for work this morning crying. I hope he comes home.

It feels like this is the pivotal moment. The deciding moment for us.

He is going to meet with a family member who was a WS and they reconciled this weekend. And has another official therapy session on Monday.

For now, I'm pulling back. I'm going to join a betrayal trauma group therapy program and get my personal therapist to help me navigate my personal healing of things in my life and help me work on me instead of marriage. I will work on my physical, mental, emotional, social, spiritual needs and start putting a plan in place so that if he does decide to leave, I'm not scrambling to survive. IF he decides he really does want to give our marriage a fighting 100% chance, we will go from there.

It's crazy what a week can change on this stupid rollercoaster ride.

Lostsquid, it is incredibly difficult to work on your M and try to R with a willing, deeply regretful partner that is doing everything in their power to fix what they broke. I cannot fathom trying to fix something with a partner that is not sure where he stands and admits to still being in contact, talking and spending time with AP.

I think what he is doing to you is beyond cruel, selfish and pure evil. He seems to be playing off your emotions, knowing you want to save the marriage and will do anything to stand by him. If he had an ounce of empathy for you and what you're going through, he would either ask for some time and leave to figure things out (with boundaries in place) or stay and throw himself into R. there is no in between.

The in between is torture for the BS and I feel like he is going to keep you in between as long as you allow him to. He won't or can't make a decision, so it is up to you to put a stop to it. Sometimes separating is the best thing in these situations. If he decides he wants her, it won't be because you separated. it is because that is where he wants to be, and he eventually would've made the same decision except it would have put you through the ringer longer.

Please take care of yourself and remind yourself that you deserve to be #1 and if it's something he has to agonize over, that is not the case. and it's not because of your age or how your boobs look. that has nothing to do with love, honesty, integrity that they are both seem to be lacking.

[This message edited by CarolinaGrace at 4:45 PM, Friday, October 25th]

Good to
Hear from you again LS. Sounds like you are doing all the right things and taking the right stances in the face of his cowardice and uncertainty.

What's clear to me is that she has his heart right now and you do not as I wrote to you a few months ago. You have reminiscing for him of the past, he sees her as the future.

You now understand why reconciliation can't even start until he sees her as the piece of shit she is and he is for doing this. He is far from that now.

I'm glad you gave him the rings. Honestly he doesn't deserve them so I hope you can hold them instead of giving their value to him.

In the meantime I still think it's important you show him you are not waiting around for him to fix himself. Time to take control of your life, admitting that he is falling away from you not toward you.

I understand the complexity of his work situation but I think he's making it so in order for him to remain in contact with her. If he truly realized that it was you and only you he loved he'd go so far as thinking outside the box to get away from her. For example researching a career change. Or moving the whole family away.

But neither of those types of options work when he's still in love with her.

So I am glad you are getting the mental and emotional support you need from the therapy community. I still however urge you to start going further with the legal community. Engage them and get them lined up to pull the trigger when you are ready.

Quite honestly if it were me I'd be saying "I am going to do you a huge favor because you obviously are too much a coward to do it yourself. I see you are in love with her. My husband whom I loved is gone. Your physical presence still exists but the man who loved me with mind heart and souls no longer exists. So I no longer want you.

You did this. This was you. But I no longer care if you are going to blame it on me. I and our families will know even if you're going to lie to yourself about what happened here.

So I will be the brave one here so I can finally start healing from your betrayal and find my way back to happiness without you.

I will be working now only to coparent with you and legally end the Martha your choice has already destroyed. I wish you well finding for what you are searching for. At this point I'm willing only to discuss finances and the kids. "

As we have all said you can only control you and how you handle your life. He is very far from reconciling and going in the opposite direction. Dont was the any more time trying to convince him to do the right thing. If he ever gets his head out of his ass you want it to be his work that did it and not you pulling on it!

Oh my ....my heart just breaks hearing your account. Please consider Jake Porters group for betrayed women ...I really believe you would be helped tremendously there. Praying for you. Praying also for the deceitful, oppressive spirit plaguing your husband to be lifted. I really get the sense your husband loves you but is not in his right mind due to his choices. He let something in and he needs to be set free before he can start making the amends he would need to. Hang in there LostSquid

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 5:45 PM, Friday, October 25th]

For now, I'm pulling back. I'm going to join a betrayal trauma group therapy program and get my personal therapist to help me navigate my personal healing of things in my life and help me work on me instead of marriage. I will work on my physical, mental, emotional, social, spiritual needs and start putting a plan in place so that if he does decide to leave, I'm not scrambling to survive. IF he decides he really does want to give our marriage a fighting 100% chance, we will go from there.

I think adopting this attitude is the beginning of healing.

Don't forget that what you want is crucial. R takes 2, and it's entirely up to you to offer R or not. If you don't see the 2 of you creating a marriage that gives both of you a lot of joy, it might be best to end the M now.

So this may be a pivotal period for him, but don't forget that it's also pivotal for you.

This all sounds so excruciating. I am so sad for you. All I can say from my POV is that it did not start to get better for me till I let it go. In my mind, I made the turn to I can't change it, so I can't care. Now, full disclosure, I was on antidepressants for this betrayal. But honestly, at the point when I could let it go, I started feeling better.

LostSquid,

"Limbo is intolerable." Keep those three words in the front of your mind and go back and re-read your thread and all the great advice you have received. He cannot keep you in limbo; only you can. But ironically, the more you endure limbo the longer it lasts. Because it is fundamentally your choice.

It is good that he has started therapy; it is good you gave him your rings and said what you did (channeling Bigger's advice); it is good to cease these long "talks" and limit your interaction to kids and finances; it is good to take concrete steps to figure out how to extract yourself and the kids from limbo with him. Keep it up, Girl, and keep coming back.

Odonna

I am so sorry for you. I lived through your exact situation. If you remember my earlier post I was very concerned for you b/c they still worked together.

Unfortunately my experience is your experience. While I thought we were reconciling he was cheating. I re-live your painful experience with him being on the fence, he’s playing both ends against the middle, yes he has guilt about hurting you but continues to lie and cheat.

My sanity became my highest priority. I could no longer live with "I want a D - no I changed my mind I don’t want a D". Like you, I decided if you cannot make a decision I will make it for you. So I told him I was D him.

I had a solid exit strategy. I had saved enough money in 6 months to pay the bills for a year. I wasn’t sure he’d pay alimony or child support so I prepared myself in case he didn’t.

I can tell you it was the BEST THING I EVER DID.

I just want you to know if you say I’m divorcing you, you need to mean it. It wasn’t a threat to get him to stop the affair. He begged me to Reconcile and while I gave him a chance, it was a full year before I stopped waking up every day thinking "I need to D him".

I hope this helps you see you need to put yourself first. Stop 🛑 stop 🛑 stop 🛑 waiting for him to make a decision and please start making some decisions for yourself. Put yourself first.

I’m not saying D him or anything like that. I don’t know where you will end up. But read up on the 180. It’s there for a reason. Stop being his wife. Stop doing his laundty. Stop making meals for him. Kick him out of the bedroom. Start your own social life and interests.

I hope this helps you. So sorry to see this happening to you. You deserve better.

PS never compare yourself to the OW either. She may be pretty on the outside but she ain’t pretty on the inside.

Tuesday early morning before work we were talking and he told me that he is torn and can't decide me or her.

{snip}

Yesterday, he sent me long huge texts about how he is struggling and confused and knows he needs to talk to someone because his brain is all f'd up and he needs help. He asked me to help him find someone, so I reached out my counsellor and she helped connect me with someone. I gave him their contact details because *he* has to ask for help, not have me schedule it for him. He told me that he is so frustrated that we've been going to a therapist for 2 months and haven't actually talked about anything useful, so he wanted to talk when he got home to tackle some of the big things he's struggling with about our marriage and why it's so hard to figure out her or me.

He's trying to answer the wrong question. Right now, he's a drama junkie sitting in the catbird seat deciding between two lovers who are both vying for his attention. That's a fantasy, an illusion. The real question isn't which woman or which life he will choose. The common denominator is HIM. The real question is "who is he now and who does he want to be?".

Cheaters think that they are responding to the world around them and the dynamics in play are somehow about making the best selections from what's on offer. But if you think about it, we MAKE our world is so many ways. We choose how we allow people to treat us. We choose how we respond to adversity. We choose our own moral code, and we choose what we value in life.

Cheating isn't about circumstances. Lots of people get down or depressed. The difference between the ones who cheat and the ones who don't is CHARACTER. For me, character is about out values and our commitment to adhering to them. Lots of people say they value fidelity. The ones who actually do don't cheat. Full stop.

He thinks he can choose between two women and two lives, but the fundamental truth is that "everywhere you go, there you are". Affairs are about escapism, but no one escapes from himself. HE is the common denominator in every scenario, and HE has brought himself to his current pass. He's not standing on the crossroads choosing women and lifestyles. He's standing on the crossroads of who he will be going forward. Once he understands that this isn't about you or some other woman; it's about him, he can stop dithering and make real choices.

Cheating is about the cheater. It's not about you, or the state of your boobs, or your meatloaf recipe, or that you asked him to pick up his socks. It really is about him.

((hugs))

Really, what he is doing to you is abusive. He is taking his pain and torment and smearing it all over you.

He has two women wanting him right now. It’s painful for him (I guess) but also powerful mojo for his ego. The ego will willingly suffer if it results in becoming stronger. Right now it’s the center of a beautiful drama. Two women and multiple therapists are devoted to his cause. He’s the center of the universe, with a bunch of supporting actors around him.

Not being able to decide is its own decision. He has decided not to decide, not to commit. You should respect that decision to leave you dangling, and make your own decision that is focused 100% on you and your children. Don’t settle, and don’t be afraid to cut your losses short here. This pain stops when you decide it does. You’ll have new challenges, but you’ll control them all yourself. Don’t be afraid to set yourself free.

I can tell you that what I learned during the affair has helped me in life.

From the moment I stood up to my H and gained control of the situation, I figured out how to win most times. No yelling. No drama. I rarely back down and when I have, I regretted it.

Even at my job, if you don’t meet my expectations you don’t get a second chance. I am very clear in deadlines and meeting goals and I no longer give people 3 and 4 chances.

In this case the husband has put the betrayed wife in limbo. And that is akin to living in hell. However you can only be in limbo for so long and then you man up and get your wits about you and make some changes.

Eventually you run out of patience for the drama and emotional roller coaster you are on. You get tired of hearing "I can’t decide" from the cheater. So you start making decisions for yourself b/c you have no other choice.

He is being emotionally unstable and abusive to you. But it can only go on as long as you allow it to. At some point you have to do what’s best for you, and to me, that means getting off this roller coaster and stop waiting for the lying cheating spouse to decide.

It’s time for you LS to decide. Time to decide what is best for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:59 PM, Sunday, October 27th]