SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There are several reasons: the rise of phone based apps, the burn the witch crowd that descends upon the new betrayed husbands, the tendency to be ego invested in your own choice to the point of arguing it is the only option for other people, and the heavy handed and capricious moderation in certain subforums.

I find this website has the potential to offer different points of views and IN THEORY it offers a space both for the WS and the BS.

Its limitations are in my opinion the fact some people impose how to deal with affairs in a very rigid way and are extremely judgemental and do not allow for other views.

Also whilst I understand the need to have rules, some are implemented maybe a bit too rigidly and people who are already distraught by what their married life gas become would like to see a bit more empathy. When they feel the empathy is not there, they just flee.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 3:32 AM, Monday, November 11th]

I’ve only been on SI a little over a year and while I can’t speak to the interaction here prior to my time, I’ve found it to be helpful and supportive of my healing journey. While I haven’t looked on the "web" per se for infidelity support forums, I initially joined several FB groups and found most of them to be full of "keyboard warriors" offering no thoughtful or constructive advice like SI. After a couple months of being apart of several infidelity groups, I knew I wasn’t getting anything other then added stress and frustration. I left every single group to become "exclusive" with SI 😂

I have noticed and experienced some "harsh" responses on some posts, but I have learned to "take what I need and leave the rest." I think many people here truly have everyone’s best interest at heart, and I can see how (in particular a newly BS) might not want to hear or is not ready to hear those hard truths.

There are some wonderful and wise "old timers" here that I very much look forward to seeing and reading responses from. Not only is it "nice" to see many people that I can relate to here, it is amazingly comforting to see so many people who have come out on the other side of this, whether they R or D.

I am going to continue to visit this site (sometimes, multiple times per day) to vent, seek advice, and to support other BS. This has been my only outlet to go to where people genuinely understand the shoes I’m waking in.

I don’t know what this site could do to increase it’s usage other than maybe secretly promote promiscuity... (to be clear – that is a tongue-in-cheek comment). If you visit other infidelity sites you can quickly see that they are (probably) dealing with the same issue. One popular site shows when their forum was last updated, and it’s common to see hours and even days.

The demise in forum-activity is not limited or bound to this site or infidelity sites. I participate in another (non-infidelity) forum and we have noticed significant decrease in usage, reading and contributions on that forum.
I have a friend who owns a very large and popular forum, and he has shared with me that his advertising income has decreased by half each year for the last 3-4 years and how he’s barely covering cost. He has done extensive work to update his site for mobiles, easier texting and all that, but his conclusion is that although it might slow the demise it wont turn things around. He’s looking into a subscription-only format. Something his very-specific-but-popular forum might be able to do and survive.

To be clear: SI does not have or seek advertising income and is to my knowledge funded by user-subscriptions, contributions and the pocket of its founder. I guess this is a big reason why technically this site has a hard time developing and changing to meet newer or added demands.

--
I want to refer to the guidelines and point out that questions on Staff actions are to be directed at the mods and not in a public forum.
I do however think I can safely say that one thing that surprised me on becoming a member of staff is how seldom staff-action is required and it’s generally when one of the relatively simple guidelines or forum-specific rules is broken.
Generally, actions are discussed between the admins, mods, attaché, and guides and a consensus is reached before most actions. The exception being blatant breaches that need immediate response to prevent possible damage, and those actions are reviewed (and even changed) when more staff contribute. As a rule – when you see Staff Action – you can assume there is a lot going on behind the scenes.

In nearly all instances the one considered in breach is offered guidance. The posts sent to those in breach are moderate and guiding and in most cases the user is offered a way to change his forum-interactions. Bans are relatively seldom applied, and generally require blatant intent (such as users created to solicitate business) or repeated breaking of guidelines. I think I can safely share that other than bans due to spam and soliciting the feared ban-hammer hasn’t been wielded for several months...

This is an interesting discussion. As a relative newcomer (been here for a few years now), I really dont have a baseline of experience to compare it to. I will say that I have found this site to be helpful and enlightening in my pursuit of understanding. I am also active on other sites dealing with infidelity.

As I have reached out to both betrayeds and waywards on other sites, I have recommended that they post their stories over here for more in depth responses. To my knowledge, not one has followed up.

To Owls point, I think that a sentence or 1 paragraph long responses (max) is all they (follow on gens) are used too and/or have a tolerance for. Im not saying anything should change over here, just that the differentiators on this site set it apart from the brevity of posts and responses on others. Lets face it, attention spans continue to narrow.

That said, the same differentiator is why I have found more insight and resulting understanding here. Its like reading Google news bullet points vs picking up a copy of the Times (particularly the editorial section) 😁.

There is really nothing to do/change. Just keep on keeping on. Less mass participation does not equal anachronism.

When I started lurking here 9 years ago, I found this General Forum overwhelmingly busy. After joining SI 2 years later (took me that long as I was so shamed to talk about my sordid story), I pretty much hung out in SI's I Can Relate forum, since it was created for other BS like me who suffer not only from the shock of being betrayed, but of trying to understand the inner working of such cold-bloodedness as some Waywards have. Before finding SI, I'd spent many years reading and trying to grasp anything helpful from another internet forum where the great majority of members get advised on "how to break the affair fog," n/a for my WH.

Just saying that today, it can feel like being one of the gang hanging out at the Moose Club for lunch or something, comforting because you get to know people's back stories better without the overwhelming number of 'newbies.' I do miss a couple dear friends, one of whom became a daily pen pal via email - and then one day, she disappeared suddenly after many years here helping others as she helped me. (I hope Marji is doing okay, if she ever stops in or if anyone has an update.)

[This message edited by Superesse at 2:58 PM, Monday, November 11th]

the burn the witch crowd that descends upon the new betrayed husbands

SI, when compared to all other infidelity type sites I’ve seen, would by far be the least guilty of this. For one example, let’s just say any other response gets downvoted into oblivion on one of those sites.

^^^^^

gr8ful is 100% correct.

There is one very popular website where the newly betrayed gets overwhelmed with "get out of your relationship immediately, if not sooner". The 2X4s there are a lot more harsh than anything I have ever seen on this website.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 9:35 PM, Monday, November 11th]

I find that most times someone has already said what I was thinking. So there is no need to reply and to be honest I am not as elegant with my words.

^ posting that you agree with so and so’s advice is good though. It can help the original poster build consensus on their question or dilemma.

I think the number of people getting married has nearly evaporated. I also get the impression that the belief in the sanctity and sexual exclusivity of marriage as a social/moral given has has likewise plummeted.

"We're the old men, Ace." -Johnny Rico

Is it possible that infidelity has become so prevalent that more people just move on? They don’t try to reconcile and they have come to accept that cheating is just another thing to accept?

I used to be a regular poster. I think its been a least a month,since I was last here.

I stopped because I believe there is an unspoken rule, that one must believe true reconciliation is a possibility, in order to post here. Just my opinion. And I no longer believe in R. For a plethora of reasons.

A few of those reasons..

The number of returning members,2,5 10,15 years after dday..back again,because their ws did it again.

I followed the party line,when it came to R. I told new members R was possible, if the ws did the work. Yet, these returning members insisted their ws did that work,and showed true remorse. I believe them, because I experienced the same thing. Yet, nearly 15 years later, I had another dday. I now believe no amount if work, or remorse, will prevent a ws from cheating again. If they want to..they will.

With all the different apps, spoofing,hidden messages,etc, it's almost impossible to catch them again,once they've been caught the first time. I believe they just learn to hide it better,until eventually, they slip up.

I believe cheating is a form of abuse. Extreme abuse. Emotional, and physical. Exposing someone to potentially deadly stds is physical. Exposing someone to a potential bunny boiler is dangerous. For these reasons, I don't believe a ws loves their bs when they're cheating. You can not stab someone in the heart,every day,and say you love them. Therefore, I can not encourage anyone to attempt reconciliation. If a bh hits his ww,on dday, they're told to run,because if they did it once,they'll do it again. The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior. Yet we get told not to apply that same logic to a cheater. I can't agree with that.

Oh, I'm sure some will say I'm bitter. Rather, I'm realistic. I have a very low tolerance for bullshit.

I wish every bs luck, regardless of the path they choose. I also wish them confidence, self esteem, self respect,self love, and to do what's best for them..always. I just can't encourage reconciliation any longer. It makes me feel like an enabler.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:35 PM, Tuesday, November 26th]

I just can't encourage reconciliation any longer. It makes me feel like an enabler.

I 100 agree with you on this. Just for the fact that it NEVER goes away always a stain on the M. After putting myself through trying to R was futile. Not only was he not remorseful but I was never going to forget and would always have disdain for my xWS. I think true R is very rare.

HellFire,

You have definitely been an excellent user and resource on this site. I can't be sure if I gave you a specific shoutout before, but regardless of your current beliefs, I found your perspective at the time helpful. Even if you think R isn't possible now, I don't think I'd really try to contradict you.

The concept of R, perhaps as I originally envisioned it, isn't something that I think I'm capable of regardless of my wife's capability or efforts. I'm never going to feel about my M in R as I did before the A. There is no time machine, the old marriage is dead, etc. Risk of repeat is something you have to accept in R. What is the chance you are in false R? Only you can pick the number, but it has to be greater than 0.

I might not even oppose it if you said all R is false R and making it to the end without repeat is a matter of luck rather than character.

In that case, I'd just say for now I feel lucky.

I also think R is very, very rare. I think most go on to be good little married partners, for awhile…. I do think there are some success stories. Maybe a few more than we realize. Since people generally don’t have a burning need to post about success, only failure and new questions.

I do think that most really have to go through the failure of R to get to that place where they run from their cheater. Just like food, someone has to taste it to find out they don’t really like it.

I agree a lot w HellFire in that people on here do sing a happy tune a lot. In particular crazy blanket statements like the WS didn't trust their AP.

RE the happy tunes, I choose not to hum along. A lot of people on here disagree w me but it is what it is.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:00 PM, Tuesday, November 26th]

Or like me, I wasn't ready to give up on my 30+ investment in the M. At this point, I hadn't learned about sunk cost fallacy.

As a newly betrayed, it's hard to hear that I need to have some respect for myself and leave the disgusting cheater when my brain couldn't process what had happened.

I was flayed alive when I wanted support. It took time and healing to get where I am today.

I told new members R was possible, if the ws did the work.

I think R is possible if both do the work.

The hardest work is on the BS. Also, the greatest opportunity for growth.

Why? Because they suffered the most.

That opportunity for growth comes whether R or D. I don’t think it matters that much which.

What amazes me most is how you reconcile with someone that disrespected you in the worst way possible. You trusted them completely and they used your trust to break your heart.
One moment your world is safe and the next it has blown up, crashed and burned, nothing makes sense and your spouse is totally responsible
How do you forgive when you never forget!!!!