SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am bogged down in mediation and back and forth negotiating our divorce. I have basically ceased all communication, except for the bare minimum through an app to work on kids' schedules.

Now that I've had some time and space, I see that what EXH put me through while he was engaged in the affair was abuse - the lying, manipulation, gaslighting. That's in part why I just can't muster any goodwill to him at this point. I sit far away from him at our kids' sports games. I don't even say hello - I don't feel the need to. He disgusts me and the pain that he dropped us and is happily playing with his AP disgusts me.

But, I so badly want to send a letter to him telling him how much havoc he's wrought on his family. Telling him he should make good and finalize the divorce so we can go our separate ways. Pointing out how what he did was abusive.

I know you'll all probably tell me not to waste my precious time/energy going this. To simply post it here.

Thoughts? Has anyone ever gotten any closure or satisfaction in sending something like this?

Just my opinion but I don’t believe any good will come of it nor will it gain you the closure you seek.

The saying "When someone shows you who they are, believe them" is one of the truest things I’ve ever read here. Your stbex has repeatedly shown you he doesn’t care about you, your kids or the impact his actions have had on you. He has shown you what a POS he is; a letter will not force him to have some sort of epiphany. More than likely he’ll simply crumple it up and throw it away.

I think your best course of action is to go gray rock as much as possible. Give the guy zero headspace; focus on yourself, your family and getting the D dome. Once that’s out of the way, go no contact as much as possible. If you absolutely must write the letter, do so and then burn it (along with a photo of him).

What ff4152 said. If you are feeling the need to write a letter do it . Then maybe burn it.

If you send something like that to him, he will use it against you. It could also make him dig in his heels and fight harder.

As suggested, you could write it and then burn it.

I did not find communicating with my exwh to be safe or good for me. Your experience may vary.
But whatever I said was actually always used against me because exwh was not a safe person for me.

I think writing the letter would be very cathartic. But it should be destroyed after that and not sent. The very traits that allowed them to betray us the way they did want to allow him to see the pain or feel empathy toward you. In the worst case, he’ll use it against you or mock you for it. I totally understand the desire, but I don’t think it will get you the results you hope for.

I think being NC with him is the right thing to do to protect your emotional well-being. I’m sorry he’s making mediation so incredibly difficult. I guess he really is that big of a jerk.

I didn't D but man did I harbor a lot of anger and resentment to my H and the AP. I wrote many letters to both. It helped me get the feelings out and make sense of what I was feeling. Then I would take them outside and burn them. Hoping the smoke would take the pain with it. I can't tell you how many times i did this as I healed.....but it was a lot. It helped for sure.

Feel the feels it helps with healing. If writing is your way to do that then by all means do it.

He will read it and it will have NO impact on him.

He doesn’t care.

He could be a real jerk and then post it on social media to make you look bad.

He will use it to prove the point "see? This is WHY I cheated - she’s crazy and a liar blah blah blah".

Also never put anything in writing that could potentially be used against you.

Also I’d like to point out that for some people, your no contact boundary irks them more. They have lost control and that bothers them much more than a letter.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:23 AM, Monday, November 4th]

Ditto to everything The1stWife just said.

He would be likely to hand it over to AP to read as well.

Based on what you share on the mediation thread then there is no way anything you say or do to HIM will have any positive impact.
The only action that can or might work is when you stand firm behind your demands (based on them being fair and within the law of your state) and your attorney defending those claims firmly. That might lead to the mediator being negative towards you, but at the end of the day if there is no conclusion in mediation this will go to court.
Hopefully your soon-to-be ex will have an attorney who might be able to talk sense into him IF YOUR DEMANDS ARE FAIR, so that mediation concludes successfully. But I think that will only happen if you stand very firm on your demands, while being ready to give way in issues that matter less to you.
Like... Maybe sacrificing more of home-equity might be better than sacrificing pension or paying spousal support.

Thanks all. I think I knew what the right answer was, but hearing all of your unanimous consensus solidifies the fact that it wouldn't do any good, and could actually do further harm. I do like the idea of writing something and burning it. Hope that will help with some catharsis... Thanks again.

When i was in Divorce Care, a support group for those going through a divorce or separation, one of our exercises was to write a closure letter to our stbx. We could write whatever we wanted. Instead of giving it to our stbx, we read it at our next support meeting and then destroyed the letter. It was very healing to write but not send. I think I even posted it here on SI, but don't quote me, that was 10 years ago.
It got everything I ever wanted to say to that prick out of my syatem w/o the consequences of breaking NC.
Maybe write the letter, post it here, and then burn it and sage smudge your home afterwards.

Also I’d like to point out that for some people, your no contact boundary irks them more. They have lost control and that bothers them much more than a letter.

I am doing this with my EXW and it drives her crazy, she no longer has any control over me, and my mood is not based on whether she is angry and upset (which apparently she is, a lot), but I no longer care. I am moving on with my life and making decisions that are solely for me (and my cats), there is a huge amount of peace in that.

I also wrote a closure letter that I have not yet destroyed, but I will never send. It just helped to get the thoughts out of my head.

There's a post it here to stay NC thread. Feel free to post there. You don't need to filter out the "sentence enhancers" you might use. SpongeBob SquarepPants reference, if you're not familiar.

The first time I told my WH he was emotionally, mentally, and psychologically abusive, he denied it, then emotionally tortured me all morning the day I was officiating my best friend's wedding. This was 2016.

The first time he physically abused me was when our daughter was still an infant and I was still fighting to survive severe preeclampsia. He hit me in the back when I turned around to walk away with our baby in my arms. He justified this as letting his anger get the best of him but check it: he's not abusive because he's angry. He's angry because he's abusive. Anytime I don't align with the made up version of me in his head, he punishes me for it. Anytime I stand up for my own basic human needs or demand respect, he punishes me for it.

Abusers don't care that they're abusers or they wouldn't be abusive. There's a time in every conflict where they choose to abuse you; it's a choice. They don't care about your feelings as they're consumed by their own rage. And they feel entitled to this rage.

D Day was 2022. He's gained enough self awareness to see that he's mad at himself for not knowing how to support me but that doesn't stop him from saying the cruelest shit I've ever heard in a time he should be displaying humility and remorse. He hasn't treated me to a single date but he screamed "IT FELT GOOD" when I asked why he did this an hour after I discovered his affair. He hasn't given me the romance I've been asking for since 2015, but he shoved me between a shoe rack and wardrobe rack last weekend. My back and arms are still sore. He's left bruises. He doesn't care. Not enough to actually put in any effort towards repair, but he sure put a lot of effort into his AP's, even going out of his way to text one of them mere hours after I found his emotional affair with a coworker, after begging me to stay with him for just a week that he'll prove himself to me, he loves me, blah blah blah..

They don't care. They feel entitled and superior to their spouse. Any reaching out for support or sharing feelings is seen as weak so will be met with disgust. Thought some parts of my story might help, although I did get triggered and lose the plot, I hope I made it worth sharing.

Anyway, today is finally my first full day with him out of the house! We're trauma bonded, so it's like an addiction. It's so hard but I deserve love, not *gestures vaguely at screen* this.