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As the title suggests, I'm meeting up with a new therapist tomorrow and they are versed in EMDR. I've felt I hit the end of the road with my previous therapist. Didn't see anything new to gain from him. I've heard about EDMR therapy on here numerous times and was hoping others who have done it could chime in with their thoughts. Many of you know my back story, not a lot of change there. A couple weeks ago my WW and I had another "talk" and I had told her that for a couple months I'd been dealing with issues when driving around our area of whether or not places that I see every day were places her and her AP would visit. She refused to do a timeline, so I told her if she could just give me a list of the places they did go that would help me to process and ultimately get closure on the matter. She did not, which leads me down the path of "I must not matter enough to her". I'm moving forward with my new therapist under the premis of "I just want to heal and feel better about myself". Our relationship together has become much less of a concern or even a desire as I feel we have been moving more towards "friends with benefits" than spouses in recovery. I have put in the work while she has not. Feels like it is now time to shit or get off the pot.

Coping,

You wrote, if she could just give me a list of the places they did go

So you will settle for the minimum she wants to give you.

This is unhealthy to say the least.

Don't bother paying for EMDR if you don't have the facts. Money better spent on a polygraph or divorce.

Did you talk with the OM / OMs to get his timeline?

I know a therapist who uses EMDR. If you have trauma you can use it. The more the trauma is hidden from you the more your need for this.
What Survus recommends is spot on. Regardless of your personal issues you are not getting basic answers, and consequently emotional needs, met. If she is stonewalling you then you need to ask yourself what are you getting out of this relationship.

I went to a betrayal trauma specialist who also did EMDR, but ended up not doing EMDR. We worked with other tools, so not doing EMDR hasn't been an issue. I was no longer with my XWH, so I didn't have to work through living with my abuser.

What work has she done to become a safe partner? Has she read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald or Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass?

She refused to do a timeline, so I told her if she could just give me a list of the places they did go that would help me to process and ultimately get closure on the matter. She did not, which leads me down the path of "I must not matter enough to her".

You know that saying, "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes"? Your wife is the asshole here. I agree with survrus that before you do EMDR, get yourself out of the dysfunction, one way or another. You may not even need it.

Is she willing to do what leafields said and read the books? That's a good idea.

So you will settle for the minimum she wants to give you.

No, but as a sculpture isn’t made in one stroke of a hammer and a painting not in one brush stroke, to rebuild the relationship, I’ll chip away little by little to attain my goal.

Regardless of your personal issues you are not getting basic answers, and consequently emotional needs, met.

We had one of the best talks ever last night. I explained to her that by withholding information she is essentially lying to me and that to move forward she needs to be 100% honest and open with me. Once that sunk in she openly let me know of all the places where her and her AP had visited, then without further questioning, she opened up about the frequency of the places, the things they would talk about, and a bit of other stuff I hadn’t even asked for. It was a milestone talk and I hope it continues.

but ended up not doing EMDR. We worked with other tools, so not doing EMDR hasn't been an issue

I’ll discuss this with my new therapist and we’ll decide together what will work best for me.

Has she read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald or Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass?

Yes, she has read them both. She said "How to help your spouse heal" always a very good and helpful book. She said it made her realize how selfish she had been behaving the first year, and actually after that day, there was improvement in her actions, but still wasn’t getting the honesty and openness I was needing.

I appreciate all the help and support SI provides, but as many of you know, no situation has a "one size fits all" answer. When I post about issues I’m having, you are hearing my concerns and troubles, but I think as BS’s maybe we don’t express the good that we are experiencing during that same timeframe. My wife and I do complement each other well, I do truly enjoy my time spent with her and we have built so much together. For me to throw it all away I will have to exhaust every ounce of effort I have in the relationship. She does support me in so many ways, but during our discussion last night she said she wouldn’t tell me certain things because she couldn’t see how it could help me and not hurt me. Once I explained to her that I needed to know certain things so I could process them and put them to rest, and that by her offering up information freely, and especially information that I hadn’t asked for, how much of a trust building moment that was/is/could be, she seemed to understand why I needed to know. Question is, can she continue to be open. She’s had trauma of her own growing up and had to keep to herself, so I don’t expect she will change like a light switch flipping on, but I will work with her to become more open and trusting of me while she does the same.

Coping,

I restarted therapy in May of this year. The guy did EMDR, and it was very helpful.

Just to let you know, once you open this box, stuff you did not know was there may come out.

We processed some A unresolved feelings. Also, some long buried trauma that took place in high school. I was bullied in high school to a severe extent for 3 years. Never told anyone-not my parents, siblings or spouse till recently. I had not thought about high school in decades. EMDR session-I felt like it was ripped out of me. That pain is just gone.

Most sessions are not that dramatic, but helps put things in perspective, or did for me anyway.

I think you are brave for going to therapy and facing some of these issues. Good luck

For me to throw it all away I will have to exhaust every ounce of effort I have in the relationship

OP, gently, you need to stop this mindset. It is NOT YOU who would "throw it all away". It’s your WW who ALREADY threw it all away. Please process that truth in your mind. R is the process of discovering whether you can build a NEW relationship, since she killed the last one. It’s DEAD. If your M doesn’t work out, it’s NOT that you "threw it away". It’s because SHE *already* did.

And you tolerating the withholding of truth will forever impede your healing and stall, if not derail, true R. It’s a form of rug sweeping, and in nearly all cases will result in big problems later in life.

Your call.

Everyone here knows what you are feeling. It’s panic, terror, grief, hope, pain, more hope. You need to let go of any unrealistic feelings you have and look at your ws in broad daylight. Then you will be able to process what is real and what is hope.

This is holiday time and it is loaded with way too many expectations for all of us. Instead of that use this time to steady your ship. Look at what you want and what you are getting. This is so hard. No one wants to lose the safety of a love, a family. It is terrifying. But it is where you are.

I am a good one to talk. I rugswept like a champ in my 20s so my ws did not know I knew for years. We grew up at some point.

Be sure to look after your health. That means no alcohol. No drugs unless under the care of a physician. Get plenty of sleep. Eat small meals or a liquid supplement. Stay hydrated. You will eventually come out of this pain and you should be in good health when you do.

I won’t write Happy H’s but instead write peace be with you.

Will you be doing EMDR? I’m interested in knowing more of the process.

I agree it is our spouse that took advantage of our kindness and threw everything away. Her problem is NOT yours! She has to be willing to face her issues.
Has she given you her phone and passwords? Any actions to prove herself trustworthy?
Trust and Respect are continually earned. Never freely to be given away.

Don't bother paying for EMDR if you don't have the facts. Money better spent on a polygraph or divorce.

Agree with the above because there is no amount of therapy that will help when you are still being kept in the dark about these things. They will always haunt you. Use therapy to get you strong enough to not tolerate it anymore. Limbo is a horrible place to stay. I did limbo for far too many years at my expense.

Edited

We had one of the best talks ever last night. I explained to her that by withholding information she is essentially lying to me and that to move forward she needs to be 100% honest and open with me. Once that sunk in she openly let me know of all the places where her and her AP had visited, then without further questioning, she opened up about the frequency of the places, the things they would talk about, and a bit of other stuff I hadn’t even asked for. It was a milestone talk and I hope it continues.

Just saw this well that is a step in the right direction I hope she continues to do the work.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:54 PM, Tuesday, December 26th]

Don't bother paying for EMDR if you don't have the facts. Money better spent on a polygraph or divorce.

EMDR helps recover from trauma. No amount of info will help you do that.

Info is a test. Holding back info disqualifies the WS as a candidate for R. Answering questions is an indicator that the WS may be a good candidate for R. Testing candidacy for R does not address the trauma.

EMDR does.

Coping, how are things going with your wife? I hope to hear a positive report soon.

I think you are brave for going to therapy and facing some of these issues

.

Thank you for that encouragement. I have reaearched quite a bit about EMDR and the reliving and digging into past trauma I'm not too thrilled about. But I am determined more than ever to heal myself and get past this. I'm not doing this for my wife. I'm doing it for me. I'm doing this so that I can be a better person should my wife ever choose to become a better person herself, or for whoever I may wind up with in the future.

I will say that the realization of what I am be preparing to go through has created an anger inside me towards my WW and her AP for being so selfish and inconsiderate of anyone else's feeling because of their actions.

Has she given you her phone and passwords? Any actions to prove herself trustworthy?

Trust and Respect are continually earned. Never freely to be given away.

She has told me that I can look at her phone any time I want. But her AP is a long time serial cheater and is sure to know many ways to hide things. That being said, I honestly believe her that she has gone NC with former AP. I thing her problem is she just wants to rugsweep, put it behind us and live a happy life together. She just can't seem to grasp that she has changed our relationship and we no longer have a bond that is based on commitment and kept vows. We need to create a new bond and I've told her this will need to be based on 100% honesty of her past, present, and future.

Coping, how are things going with your wife? I hope to hear a positive report soon.

It's the status quo, no real change. I've been more distant this last week in intimacy. I've been dealing with ramped up anger over the idea of what I'm about to go through. She's a very loving person so long as it doesn't revolve around the infidelity. On a side note, after telling my new therapist that I had told my wife my primary needs of her moving forward, that being completely honest and open from now on, she asked me "what if my wife can't do that", to which I responded, "then we're done". That pretty much sums up where I'm at now. I'm tired of carrying the load working on us, and I'm now going to put 100% focus on me and where I go from there is wherever I can be happiest.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 10:27 AM, Thursday, December 28th]

It's been 3 years. You had a good talk,but now you're back to the status quo.

Your therapist sounds like a good one. I hope you meant what you said. As you see..it's easy to say things, it's harder to follow through.

You deserve better.

…after telling my new therapist that I had told my wife my primary needs of her moving forward, that being completely honest and open from now on, she asked me "what if my wife can't do that", to which I responded, "then we're done". That pretty much sums up where I'm at now.

YES. THIS is the correct mindset, and the ONLY one that actually gives you a shot at true R. Do NOT back down from this. Do not wilt. Your WW must see your resolve with zero doubts. If you’re bluffing, she’ll detect that and happily continue her quest to rug-sweep.

That said, you MUST follow through with being DONE if she refuses to be immediately transparent. Any refusal of honesty or any blame-shifting towards you (or anything other than her) means R WILL NEVER WORK.

I’m encouraged to see this mindset shift here OP. Stick with it and you’re going to be good, no matter what she decides.

If your M doesn’t work out, it’s NOT that you "threw it away". It’s because SHE *already* did.

That is a mindset I need to embrace. I need to quit placing blame at my feet.

As you see..it's easy to say things, it's harder to follow through.

It seems so many of us have trouble with this. Not sure why it is so difficult to put into practice. Hellfire, you have always been proponent of seeing the raw truth that sits in plain view that many of us BS continuously overlook. You are such an asset to this site. I hope things in your world are going better, I worry for your peace of mind.

Just an update. I think I lucked out and found a very good therapist. We haven’t really started EMDR but working on exercises to block out the negative thoughts. Also am learning a bit about my wife’s behavior even though I’m not there for her. Anyways, I’m feeling very positive about the potential results moving forward. It feels like there is relief up ahead and I’m thankful for that.

Also want to say I appreciate each and every one of you for your support on this forum!

So glad you found a good therapist. It's so important to find one that fits your needs.