SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The reason I am bringing this topic up is on one of the threads I commented that I could have probably through lots of work, forgiven a one time sexual act.

The reason is that I confess I came close a few times after I found out about what she did.

I had a very high profile job in a very social field. Lots of parties, conventions, dinners etc. On a few occasions I was heavily flirted to by much younger women. I know it’s commonly thought of that older guys in positions of power prey on younger women, and have no doubt that is the case. But on the flip side, it’s almost as common for younger women to be attracted to the power of an older successful guy and they are the aggressors.

Prior to the affair I had really good boundaries and when getting the signals, although flattered, I always deflected leaving no room for anything to happen. On a danger scale, probably a 1 out of 5

After her affair things changed. I actually was doing even better work wise, and lost a lot of weight and got into really good shape. I don’t think I was conscious of it, but the number of women who now were sending out signals increased exponentially. Part of it was the job, and being in better shape, but if I take an honest look at it, I’m sure I was sending out a different signal after her affair and my self worth was in the toilet.

Instead of shutting things down when women were flirting, I began to enjoy the game and the feelings that it gave me. The feeling of being special and wanted by a younger attractive women was intoxicating. I came very close on more than one occasion to giving in. On the danger scale I was a 4.9 out of five. On a few occasions the women asked me to go back to their hotel rooms and made it clear that they wanted to have sex with me. I never did it, but had to self reflect that for it to get to that point I had to have lowered my boundaries to let it get to that point.

It also became clear to me I enjoyed it and wanted to have sex with these women which among other things factored into my reasoning to get divorced. My ex actually offered to open up the marriage on my end, but it wasn’t something I wanted. But I can see how easily a one time thing could happen

Clearly my boundaries went to shit after her affair. Just curious if this is something that other BS have experienced after their partner cheated?

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 6:57 PM, Saturday, October 14th]

I was dangerously close to an EA in the aftermath for sure. I was not open to a PA but I holed myself away from the world.

It did open my eyes to how people in the throes of extreme depression can be vulnerable.

Your boundaries certainly changed, but I don't think they disappeared. You were in a brand new sitch, and you had to figure out how to navigate; that required some experimentation. You looked inside and figured out what was best for you, and it wasn't a 'revenge' A.

You went out onto the slippery slope, perhaps, but I'm not sure I'd call that a major felony in your sitch - and I'm pretty quick to call 'madhatter' when I think the label fits.

I've been short, bald, and overweight for almost all of my adult life. Thirty years ago sometimes new college grads flirted with me. Some women I interviewed for jobs flirted with me. I wasn't swayed, but I was very flattered. I enjoyed it. IMO, there's a big difference between enjoying external validation and needing it, and you describe enjoying at least some of it.

You know yourself better than I do, but the above is my POV, based on my reading of your posts through the years.

It also became clear to me I enjoyed it and wanted to have sex with these women which among other things factored into my reasoning to get divorced.

WWTL….such a valid reason IMO. BH’s in particular tend to hit the gym, lose the beer belly and get in better shape. As such, younger women see a "silver fox" who is successful and still good looking. You did well resisting until divorce!

BTW: You’ve stated in prior posts that your xWW "lost everything" with her A but I look at it a bit differently. She just had "buyer’s remorse". She paid for the three weeks of fun IN FULL when you divorced her. She then owned her A outright….and is still the owner of it to this day.

If you would, could you update of how your xWW is doing? Did she ever get back on track? Do you ever talk to her anymore?

I think there are few people who didn’t vastly improve their physical appearance post being cheated on. I started getting much more male attention and definitely had my boundaries down in the early aftermath. When it was clear I would get myself in serious trouble very quickly I pulled my boundaries right back up. I agree with the OP that men with money get targeted. I see it at my husband’s practice all the time. Certain members of the female support staff are literally constantly throwing themselves at the male doctors. Each new male doctor there seems to go through the same process of starting out all new and naive, then suddenly being like oh my god these women will actually sleep with me in a side room? And then either getting caught or realizing its gross and then forming reasonable boundaries with the trashier female types. Its gross but it happens. Mostly they are married to other doctors and are not looking to remarry a side chick but they love the attention, especially at first. Most grow out of it because they aren’t looking to date these women and if they hook up with them they can get sued so the behavior reforms itself.

Women are already familiar with this behavior from their teens and twenties. Men want to sleep with them and overtly throw themselves and the women have to put up the wall. Women learn it young, men have to learn it later.

If you would, could you update of how your xWW is doing? Did she ever get back on track? Do you ever talk to her anymore?

I do talk to her. We are working on a wedding for one of our daughters and lots to discuss there. She never did get back on track. She is probably clinically depressed. Drinks too much wine, doesn’t do hobbies like yoga, and unfortunately the years have not been kind. She isn’t fat, but she had a body of an aerobic teacher prior to her affair, but now is probably 20 pounds overweight which is a lot on her frame. Frankly I wish she would get her shit together. It isn’t helpful with my kids that she is such a mess. They think I can fix it by making total amends with her.

She also isn’t happy that I now have an age appropriate girlfriend who actually looks kind of like her frame wise to her prior to this mess. I think she thought I would tire of the non age appropriate girls I dated for a few years and once I got it out of my system, woukd come back to her. It’s way better now, but I still get drunken texts after all this time

She just had "buyer’s remorse". She paid for the three weeks of fun IN FULL when you divorced her.

I’m not sure it was buyers remorse as she really wasn’t that invested. But certainly she feels she paid the ultimate price for what she did. To this day she can’t believe how things ended up for her.

I’m still interested however in others and how their boundaries were affected by their partners affair.

Still confused

I agree with the OP that men with money get targeted. I see it at my husband’s practice all the time.

I had no illusions that my status had a lot to do with the women I dated. I looked pretty good, but not good enough to date the women I dated. I was surprised that for me the relationships were so transactional.

I dated lots of divorced women 20 years my junior who although they dressed to the 9’s, drove great cars, we almost dead broke. For them a lot of my appeal was I took them on great dinners or vacations, treated them with respect, and never let them pay for anything other than something token. I was a way for them to get some semblance of their former lives back when they did experience more luxury. They were more than happy to have sex not so much as payment, but more to keep me on the line. I was always upfront that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but was happy to be around a beautiful woman and have fun with them.

It other than a few exceptions worked out great and when it ended was on good terms.

Sisoon

Thanks for your thoughts. I think you are a beacon of reason here.

I have always had impenetrable boundaries, really vigilant, did not send out signals, didn’t put myself in dangerous situations. After d-day, I came across an IM from an old female high school classmate, had been sitting in FB Messenger unread for a year, I never use it, only really found out what it was cause that was the main medium of the A. I never would have responded before, this time I thought, "what the hell". We caught up a little over a few days. She was highly flirtatious, I gave a few compliments back, it seemed really clear to me she was looking. I came to my senses and just blocked her. So yeah, my boundaries have definitely slipped since D-Day, it’s hard to be immensely vigilant to protect something covered in shit.

One thing that my husband’s affair made me realize is that I’ve always had strong boundaries. Prior to him cheating, I didn’t think about my boundaries much—they were just instinctive. I’m not a bad looking person; there were certainly times when men came fishing around, but I shut it down without even fully recognizing that I was doing it.

Since his affair I’ve had a lot more overt awareness of boundaries, and a lot more recognition of when other people are being flirty and crossing lines. I’m just more shrewd and suspicious of peoples motives overall than I was before. But I’ve not had any letting down of my boundaries or feeling more susceptible to a flirtation or a physical or emotional affair. I don’t think that’s because I’m done kind of moral superhero; I think it’s just a natural instinct of mine to keep people at arm’s length. I also think I’ve been hurt badly enough by his infidelity that the thought of forging another romantic relationship of any kind doesn’t feel appealing at all to me. Our reconciliation is going well and I’m glad we’re together and moving forward, but even if something happened and we split up, I don’t really see myself pursuing another relationship.

I was cheated on by a fiancee many, many years ago and retaliated by immediately cheating on her. Prior to that I'd had girls make themselves available to me routinely and never blinked. I never thought I'd be capable of that because my father was a serial cheater whose exploits brought devastation to our family and I saw first-hand what cheating did. Yet, when faced with the option to have a revenge fling (affair is too strong a word), I didn't even hesitate. I learned young that 1. It's a shitty thing to do under any circumstances and 2. I was entirely capable of it. It was not a proud moment.

I later married and am still married to a wonderful woman and have rock solid boundaries after nearly 30 years. I'm transparent to a fault with her because in part it helps me maintain my boundaries even after all this time.

WWTL-Thank you for continuing to post here and be such an influential guide through especially dark moments in far too many lives. I thought I remember in a prior post that your wife lost some of her social circle as a result of the affair finally coming to light. Has she managed to regain any of her friends? Does she date at all?

[This message edited by 1994 at 4:37 AM, Sunday, October 15th]

@waitedwaytoolong
I often see myself in so many of your posts. I, like you have been surprised by the transactional nature of relationships, perhaps it was always there and I was far too naïve to see it before the grand surprise.

I too date women about 15-20 years younger than myself and I’ve noted the same financial paradigm regarding their lives. I would be deceptive if I said I don’t enjoy their attention and that entails, but my boundaries have changed in that I carefully control how far I allow these relationships to progress.

I guess that is how my boundaries changed, I wasn’t into the shallow just for fun relationships in the past. Now, I’m not certain my boundaries would allow anything more at this moment in time.

We caught up a little over a few days. She was highly flirtatious, I gave a few compliments back, it seemed really clear to me she was looking. I came to my senses and just blocked her

Inkhulk, did you ever tell your WW about this encounter?

Grieving

Sounds like you have rock solid boundaries. Especially that you remained consistent even after the betrayal.

1994

Did you break up right away with your fiancé? If you did, I don’t consider that a true revenge affair. You were not married at the time.

Has she managed to regain any of her friends? Does she date at all?

She does have friends, but not as many as she once had. The social circle we were in were almost exclusively couples. She was so embarrassed that she didn’t want to put herself out , and some of the other really good friends frankly didn’t want her around their husbands which was a shame as she never would have been a threat. Her affair was in my opinion a perfect storm of events and was never going to happen again.

I also don’t see our old friends as much. I didn’t like being the third wheel.

She has dated on occasion, but hasn’t gone too well for her. Mostly guys way older than her, although I’m not privy to all the details

Inkhulk, did you ever tell your WW about this encounter?

Yes, I did.

With my ex, I had weak boundaries. I kissed another guy before we were married, flirted heavily and probably ventured into EA territory more than once. It’s crazy to say but I knew the kissing was cheating but did not think the other stuff was- at that time. I was young and dumb (21 when we got married). No excuse but I was.
This marriage, my boundaries were rock solid. I had men flirt with me and I blew them off. I had exes or old friends reach out to me and I ignored it. I didn’t entertain a second of it. I knew how easily that could lead to bad and wanted no parts of it.
Now? I feel like my boundaries are better than ever. I think of all the ways my WH’s affair affected me, our children. I hesitate to say never but I really don’t feel like I could do this to anyone again. In a moment of anger, I threatened it just to make him feel as bad as I do but knew even at the time that I didn’t mean it. I look at him with such disappointment and his behavior is so gross to me, I don’t want to lower myself to be that.

After my WH's long term affairs, I had sort of a paradigm change in how I view infidelity. I used to believe it is always wrong, no matter what. I still believe that, except at the same time I also think my WH would really deserve to be cheated on. How to reconcile the two, I have no idea. Throughout our relationship, I always had strong boundaries, never came even close to pushing them. I did find other men attractive, but just would never go there. Now, I am not so sure. Luckily, I have no interest in pursuing another relationship, not even a superficial one and ONS are not my thing so there was no one after dday who would really test my boundaries. But if someone were to pique my interest, I am not sure I would hold myself back.

Prior to the A, I enforced my boundaries but they were probably a tiny bit further down the slope than they should have been. I was in sales in a male dominated field, so when out entertaining customers there would be flirty banter, dancing, etc., but never anything more. During the A, my spidey senses were on high alert and I found myself craving more attention and that boundary moved in the wrong direction. Never crossed a line, but there were a couple occasions where it went way too far. Like to the hotel room door. And it felt great, I won’t lie. But never anything physical, not even kissing.

Oddly, after DDAY and our D, my boundaries are so solid that they can protect Ft.Knox. It’s a problem as I let no one in —-which makes dating hard. I’m working on that. Now that I know the pain that broken boundaries can cause, I am overly protective of my boundaries.

Did you break up right away with your fiancé? If you did, I don’t consider that a true revenge affair. You were not married at the time.

I did not, nor did I tell her right away. She actually ended up dumping me, but not before sleeping with a few of my friends at the time. She timed the dumping in a spectacularly cruel way (I was away at Army basic training and otherwise locked down pretty tight). I ended up meeting my now wife when I came home on leave. The fiancee ended up drunk dialing me in the middle of the night and lamenting over how much of a mistake she made, but I was literally lying next to my curvy blond knockout of a future wife at that moment. That was a proud moment for me.
And no, my situation doesn't come close to 95% of the stories here, but it taught me that I do possess that character flaw that would otherwise tell me an affair is OK under the right conditions. I keep that part of me under watch even to this day.

I don't post much on this site. Am hoping I am not breaking any rules. I was a cheater in many prior relationships including this current prior to marriage. Been faithful since we married though going on 40 years. I actually have set strong boundaries on myself due to my cheating ways. I have to in order not to fall into the cheating trap. I get extremely anxious and unsettled when women are invading those self imposed boundaries and have to extricate myself from those situations quickly. I don't go out much anymore, thank god!

I have always had strong boundaries. I could always easily maintain them because I’ve always had unbreakable willpower. I once told a really good friend who was trying to get me to take a shot of whiskey on a 4 wheeler trip, "my will vs yours, and you will lose every time" he laughed and responded "man, why you gotta be that way?" LOL. I’ve never been swayed by peer pressure, I don’t follow changing norms to activity’s or dress code. I’ve always plowed ahead in my own belief system. That being said, the crushing feeling of being betrayed has lit a match inside me that often asks, "to what end do I maintain my value system?" I still maintain my values and boundaries but in my head I now ask myself and evaluate the "what if’s". My wife hasn’t exactly set the world on fire in her efforts during recovery, and I’ve many a sleepless night these last few months mulling over the scenarios of staying together vs splitting up. But I can feel it inside me that I may more vulnerable towards another woman who shows great character, empathy, and compassion. Should someone like that come along, I could see finally ending my recovery and marriage but I still would never cheat. I made a promise and I keep my word. If a situation like that ever came about, I’d file for D and end this relationship before beginning a new one.

Prior to my exWW's affair, boundaries weren't even an issue. I was never tempted by any overtures from interested women, because I was just not aware of them. I recall several occasions where my wife would get angry because some woman was obviously (to her) flirting with me, but every time I simply failed to notice. On your danger scale, it would actually be a zero.

You can say I lack emotional intelligence, or have an inability to pick up on social cues if you like...it's a fair assessment. I'm sure that's at least partially why I failed to pick up on any of her affairs until the final one. And since that was an exit affair, post-affair boundaries were not a consideration. But even then, I still had trouble picking up on those cues. Women practically had to grab me by the shirt and announce their intentions directly to my face for me to have any clue. (And luckily, I was able to find a few women like that )