SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, this is my first time to share what I've been through.And the time-lining is pretty long, so I am gonna write whatever comes to mind.

We started our relationship in 2017, and we got married July of 2022. During these 5 years we'd been through a lot. Many heartbroken fights and many sweet times. Among all of the fights, a real devastating one for her was that me telling her I might be homosexual, which I figured out later I am not. But since then she couldn't trust me and take me as gay.I admit that this was a huge strike for her, turned her world upside down. Whenever I have a contact with any male, for her I am going to sleep with that guy or having thoughts about it.Before that, it was females, no matter any age. And we are both convinced that her insecureness was because of her unhappy childhood.

We were both white-collars when we first got together. After half year, we wanted to have our own business and opened up a restaurant. We were really excited and had a little success on our tiny business. After a year, she went back to workplace and I kept running our business. It was August of 2019 when I hurt her with my BS, later at the end of that year COVID happened and our business started going down. But I still managed to keep it alive till the summer of 2022 and got a job for myself as well(Restaurant still running). During those 3 years, she was heartbroken and I was suffering her endless accusing and verbal violence.

After two months, I had to go for a business trip overseas for more than a month, which was the time that she cheated on me.

She started a new job after our marriage(got the offer before the wedding). And her new job became my nightmare. So she met this guy at her new job, whom she thought funny and knowledgeable and helped her with getting on track with the new working environment. And later on disgusting things happened between them.

After I came back from my business trip I found out our rental apartment was tidy and decorated, which really surprised me, because she never does houseworks and I was doing most of it. Later on I found out some clues that she might cheated on me while I was away and I confronted her. But she was crying and denying. So I trusted her and let it go. It was the beginning of last December.

So on new year's eve, we went out for shopping and planned to go to someplace nice for dinner. Well, that was the day I found out what was going on. She was trying some clothes while I accidentally came across their chat history on her phone. The devastating thing was she seemed so happy with me on that day and dressed up real nice. But at the same time she was sending her picture with black stockings to him and talking nasty with him. I was shocked, really didn't know what to do. And I confronted her again, but she said it was just flirty talks, nothing more happened between them. I was furious and told her lets get a divorce and packed my stuff and went to a hotel.I really didn't know what to do. It was a sleepless night, and the thought of going to her company to reveal the truth to everyone came across my mind and I told her that thought, she was begging me not to do so.

So the next day, I came back to have her tell me all the truth. It was the first day of this year. She insisted that nothing happened between them, it was just flirting and was going nowhere. But the chat history convinced me so much more happened. Since then, I started endless interrogation about the truth and details and endless searching of prove. And btw, he was a really nothing guy, not holding bias to body shape, but he is 160cm tall and according to her search online, tiny genital size and terrible in bed.

I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep for many days. And she moved out to a hotel because she was afraid of me hurting her.

And on 4th of January, I got drunk and started crying, and sent a crying video of me to her and then she came back home. I was devastated and broken and ended up hitting her, left some bruises on her face. Which I regretted so much later on. For the next one week she totally refused to come back home and stayed in a hotel. Later on we had some calm conversations and she came back home. After that we had few kinda peaceful days, having some deep conversations. But it was not a let go for me. And I went through her phone again, where I found more disgusting truth. Again, she denied.

So the time came to February, after my endless confrontation and proves, she finally admitted that she slept with him ,but saying it was only once, which obviously was a lie. And her explanation was she was hurt and couldn't feel my love for her. And at the same time was a revenge for what I had done to her.

Feels like it's been so complicated between us. Nowadays, so many things remind me the terrible sh**ts happened. For example, when I see black stockings, I experience all the pain all over again.

She claims that she cut him of her life and keep being with me and have a happy future together. But all the trauma is hunting me everyday.

And along the way, I had no one to talk about it. That is why I wrote this long today.

Feeling a bit relieved now.

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Wel l, I came back here after another 10 months.

I was on a business trip in another country from the end of October to the beginning of December last year, so I returned to my city in December. During this time, my wife had a minor surgery, and I was waiting outside. She changed her phone password, but she didn't know I had added my face recognition unlock to her phone. So, I went through her phone again and found out she was in contact with the AP (affair partner) again. His wife had a baby, and they were going through a divorce, so he reached out to my wife to share his suffering. She fell for him again, having all kinds of deep conversations.

She had this "counselor" who is a total ahole, telling her it's her right to pursue her own happiness while she was sharing what was going on with me and her AP. There were messages to this ahole saying that her AP was going to bars, getting drunk every day, and she was getting jealous, saying, "Though I do not have the right to worry about this, what if he picks up other women in the bar?" This douchebag "helped" us during DDays, kind of being the middleman to help us reconcile, of course, he was getting paid. So, I went out of the hospital to call him and told him to stay the hell out of our marriage. I confronted her when she was out (it was a minor surgery, no big deal). I didn't tell her what I had found out, just asked her, "Have you been seeing him again?" She denied immediately, so I told her everything I had discovered and told her I wanted a divorce. She started crying, telling me how empty and sad she felt during those days, and so on.

For me, this was the same or worse than going through all the pain from the first time. So, I insisted on getting a divorce. She totally collapsed, wrote a will telling her therapist and me that she didn't want to live anymore. We had a therapy session together, where the therapist asked her to confess all the details from the beginning, and I asked her tons of questions. She admitted she had lied about some details before, and it took 3 hours. Well, the therapist actually helped us keep going with our marriage. I asked my wife to have her AP meet with me. I just wanted to see what kind of person he is, how he looks, and to see the chemistry between them and the fear and embarrassment on his face. I've been telling her this would help with the reconciliation. In this way, I'll come to closure and let it go. But she's saying they contacted each other through a workplace app, she doesn't have his phone number, and they don't work in the same office. She left a lot of messages on the app, he read them but did not reply. So now she's saying she can't find a way to arrange this meeting.

Nowadays, we have good and bad days. She's been considerate and caring, but all the pain comes back to me over and over, which leads me to forcing her to arrange the meeting. We plan on having a baby on good days, but I don't want to bring all this pain and these problems into the next chapter of our lives (being parents).

[This message edited by kkkkk at 1:28 PM, Sunday, June 30th]

Welcome to SI, and sorry that you had to find us. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned at the top. You may want to read them, as they have a lot of great information. Also, the Healing Library has some really good information, including the list of acronyms we use.

There are a couple of books that are recommended to help with understanding infidelity. How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is an easy read, and is for your WW (wayward wife), but feel free to read it. The book is a blue print of what your WW will need to do to help you heal. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is a longer read and will help each of you to understand more about infidelity and establishing boundaries.

You both should be tested for STDs/STIs because it's more than likely that she had unprotected sex. Both of you should be in IC (individual counseling). If you can find a therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma, especially infidelity betrayal trauma, you will find it helpful. She needs an IC to figure out why she thought cheating was an option. You can't fix M (marriage) problems with other people's genitals.

And on 4th of January, I got drunk and started crying, and sent a crying video of me to her and then she came back home. I was devastated and broken and ended up hitting her, left some bruises on her face.

This must never EVER happen again. No more drinking. Get yourself into IC. Understand that this is a violation on par with her infidelity and there may be no coming back from this on her side. If you feel like you could do it again or if a fight starts to heat up, separate yourself from her immediately.

So she cheated on you shortly after you married?

I’ll be honest here man. Y’all just need to split. She’s been cheating on you like pretty much the entire relationship, probably. Hard to say. And you’re an abuser. You got drunk and hit her only one time? I don’t think i really believe that, but whatever it doesn’t matter. You beat her. I don’t know where the truth is for either of you, but both of you are toxic.

Based on years of experience here on this site and having seen soooooo many comparable stories I can give you hope…
But I can also take it away…

Marriages CAN recover from infidelity.
It’s manifest in this site itself – founded by a couple that reconciled, and verified by the numerous couples that contribute as reconciled.

However… Even if you and your wife do EVERYTHING you can to reconcile there isn’t any guarantee. It’s long and hard work.

BUT… I can absolutely 100% no questions asked guarantee that while you are convinced she hasn’t told you the truth and until she does OR convinces you beyond doubt that this was a one-off thing… there is NO WAY you can save this relationship. NO WAY.

Get it? If you and your wife want to reconcile the absolute first step is that she gives you the total unabridged truth. When, who, where, how, how did they communicate, how can she assure you there is no communications… IF and ONLY if you get that you can decide if you want or can move on to the next stage of reconciliation.

Without this… It’s at best a question of how many years until the questions, the doubt and the hurt boil over in you. It is IMHO 100% impossible to recover from what you don’t know.

To nekonamida:
Thank you.
I regretted about it so much and still do. I swore to all my gods that I won't hit a woman in the rest of my life.

To jb3199:
Thank you.
Yes, she did. She started her new job after our wedding. And the other guy is her new colleague.

To Bigger:

Thank you so much for your advices. No, I don't buy her story, some parts, yes, but most parts, no.

More to all:

The other guy's wife was 8 months pregnant when they were having an affair. And they both knew their relationship was going nowhere. For my understanding, they were being each other's f**ck-buddies. And she did not tell him that she was married. Just told him there was a guy whom she'd been on and off with.

After I found out, she was begging me not to leave and saying she made a stupid mistake, kinda drifted, needed some emotional supports but went too far. On some level, I am willing to forgive her and give her another chance. But all the memories and pictures in my head are eating me alive everyday.

A bit baffled why you would say you were gay, then backtrack?

Just guessing but I would have thought that would take great self introspection as well as having pretty precise feelings of attraction towards men to come to that conclusion.

Why would you hold it against her, when you drop this major revelation of yourself, she would assume you were hiding it from her all this time but mostly you were feeling some attraction to other men?

Just curious.

Do you really expect her to be honest with you when she is rightfully afraid of you? You need to address your own issues before attempting to reconcile with her. There is no excuse for hitting someone, in the face and hard enough to leave marks.

I can’t get past the fact you hit your wife.

This is utterly Unacceptable.

You had no right.

Go to individual counselling asap

Bump per request.

Your marriage is going to end, it’s just a matter of how: divorce, your wife getting killed, and/or you in jail.

Divorce is your best option. If she won’t file, then you should.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:09 PM, Sunday, June 30th]

Kkkkk,

So much to respond to in your post.

1. You disclosed that you thought you might be gay, but then changed your mind. I’m wondering if you have considered you might be bisexual? Or, if you have had sexual encounters with same-sex partners, and told your wife about fantasies or actual encounters, and this is playing a part in her behavior? Did you have an affair yourself? This part of your story seems vague.

2. Your WW began cheating very early in the marriage. Once you discovered this, her first instinct was to lie, and she did not stop contact with the AP. Additionally, the AP was married, with a pregnant wife. These factors tell you quite a bit about her ability to have any empathy for other people. Basically, she wants what she wants, and doesn’t really care what anyone else feels about it, nor how she goes about getting it. This doesn’t bode well for repairing the marriage, because you’re 9 months out and you still don’t have the truth - and she doesn’t care.

3. You say she has bipolar. If she is choosing to not be treated, this will continue to have a role in your relationship, and her behavior going forward.

4. You discuss having a child. This would be one of the absolute WORST DECISIONS EVER at this point in your marriage. This is not the time to be having to navigate a pregnancy, with a bipolar mother, with ongoing infidelity, with unresolved issues you have and she clearly has. If you can’t see that, get new glasses. Jeez.

5. Therapy has made little to no difference in the wife’s behavior of lying, nor in improving the husband’s trust or reducing his anger.

6. There is very recent physical abuse in this relationship. You have admitted hitting her, and you say she has hit you. THIS ONE THING SHOULD RESULT IN A DIVORCE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. The two of you have already physically assaulted one another, and apparently she has done so on multiple occasions according to you. There is no going back on this. You cannot, should not, bring a child into this kind of relationship, let alone remain in this situation yourself. Despite your attempts at "justification" or "explanation" of being drunk, or having regret, there simply should not be a continued marriage here. Look at this:

You have a new marriage in which the husband questions his sexuality, the wife cheats throughout the marriage from the beginning, there is domestic violence on both sides with multiple times by the wife, and psychological problems with the wife, as well as ongoing infidelity continuing after discovery day past the 9 month mark.

Please explain what you see here as strong indicators for recovery of this marriage?

Please, please do not bring a baby into your marriage.

Your marriage has been a lie from the beginning, it's been toxic, I think both of you need to move on.

A baby deserves two stable parents, gently, neither of you are stable right now.

You are starting about two marathons behind the starting line for a healthy relationship.

The wise decision staring you in the face is divorce. There is just too much negative baggage in your current relationship.

You posted in the "ten years later" thread with five kids. Do you want that to be you?

They know you.. they will use your confusion, fear, trauma.

Your wife denied everything until and after she was caught, minimized, changed, did not allow you to contact om, they/cheaters are not stupid, they have plans and codes on how to behave when caught.

You know your wife is not emotionally or physically committed to you,

You should try to improve yourself from now on, it is not a good idea to direct your life according to other people's wishes.