SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m 33, me and my husband have been together 9 years, got married a year and a half ago. We have been trying for our first baby for the last few months also. I 100% trusted him, we have a happy marriage and never ever would have thought he would do something like this to me. He is the kindest, loveliest man and I am now utterly heartbroken and in complete shock. We have 2 little dogs together, a lovely home, a nice life together and we were both looking forward to having a baby.
He started a new job last year and sometimes works away. He worked away for a week last month. Anyway yesterday he said he didn’t feel right and barely had an appetite. Then this morning, I woke up and he was sat up in bed next to me. Said he’s waiting for a phone call from a Dr. He then confessed to me that when he was out one night when he went away with work, a woman in another group they had met kissed him on the lips when saying goodbye and he thinks she had a lump on her lip - I think he had been googling and he’s worried he’s got an STI. I was obviously confused and demanded he told me the truth as I did not believe she just kissed him - he said she was flirting with him and they all had a lot to drink. Anyway he eventually told me that this woman came back to his hotel room and she gave him a blow job. I am utterly heartbroken. We had our lives planned out and had such a happy relationship. This is totally out of character. He doesn’t know how he let it happen or why and is begging for me to forgive him and doesn’t want to lose his family, I just can’t believe he has done this to me. In a way I wish he didn’t tell me I feel I am living in a nightmare.
I love him so much and I just don’t know what to do :( I am in complete shock. I have a twin sister who I usually would run to but my family adore my husband and feel if I decide to try and see past this I wouldn’t want them to know.. 💔

I am so sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. Please know you are not alone and this is a safe place with so many who have walked in your shoes.

Weekends can be a little slow, so don’t be discouraged if not many comment today.

First of all, understand that this is all about him. He is 100% responsible. There is nothing you said or did that caused him to do this.

He needs to take full responsibility and commit to understanding how he allowed himself to betray your M (marriage). Not superficial level, but dig very deep down into his own psyche. Him working with a therapist (IC, individual counseling) who specializes in infidelity would be a good start.

As for you:

1) Take care of your health. Exercise, healthy food, lots of water, good night’s sleep. Avoid alcohol and see your doctor if you can’t sleep or are having anxiety issues.

2) See your doctor anyway. This may not have been his only time cheating. Cheaters lie, and as you learned, sometimes (often) they only tell part of the truth, the minimum they can get away with. You need to get a full panel STD/STI test and do not have unprotected sex with him until you have your results and see his. (Don’t’ take his word for it.). You want kids and an untreated STD can cause real problems. Do this right away. (And don’t worry - doctors have seen it all— they will be kind and understanding.)

3) Put trying for a baby on hold for a bit. You will be a stress mess for a while, and it is unclear if you will be able to R (reconcile) yet. Your H has shown that he is not who you thought he was. And don’t feel like you have to decide whether or not to R or D today. It may take some time to know what is best for you- don’t put undo pressure on yourself.

4) Read in the healing library here, and all the posts in the JFO forum that have the bullseye next to them (You may have to go back a few pages). There is some really helpful stuff there.

5) See a lawyer or 3. Not to file, but to understand the implications of D. Knowledge is power, and by understanding what D would look like, you will remove many of the fears of the unknown. No need to share with him that you are doing this.

6) Get local IRL support for yourself. IC, a bestie, your sister, clergy, etc. Chose someone who will support you whatever you decide. A good outlet will help.

Has he started looking for a new job? He can’t keep working with her, and it will be really difficult for him to be working remotely until trust is restored (which takes YEARS). What is he doing to start to repair? 100% transparency, reading any books?, looking for IC for himself? He needs to be leading the way on this— he broke it, he has to fix it.

Be nice to yourself — this is really hard stuff. But you will get through it. It takes time, but you really will get through it. Keep posting, keep reading.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 8:58 PM, Sunday, May 14th]

Honey, I am sorry you are here, I know this is upsetting. I understand how you are feeling.

A few things to think about. I am sorry these are uncomfortable things to think about.

1. People who cheat, generally are lying to make it smaller than it was. Are you certain it was just a blow job? Have to ask…. Is it the only time? You need to get down to the full truth.
2. Do not sleep with him, he completes his std panel and is clear. Get one yourself.
3. I know it is heart breaking, you need to think about can you forgive him and do you want to stay together. Don’t romanticize it, and think you can change him. Are you willing to give him a second chance? And is he willing to work hard and figure out why he cheated when he is happily married? Do love him? Do you want a family with him? Can you trust him?

I will be honest, if this is a one time oops, you have an opportunity to improve your marriage, become better spouses, and learn how to commit again. Rebuild trust. It could be good But it is hard work and it takes 110%. On the other side, you don’t have kids (which I think you should delay until this is sorted out), you are young, you can split and find a better partner. Now, before kids is the time to do this. One thing is very clear, you don’t have the relationship you thought. Watch his actions, ignore his words.

These are big decisions, and if you need help making the go to a good counsellor and decide for yourself. Then you will be confident in knowing what ro do.

Please read in the healing library, there are many good articles.

I wish you the best.

He wasn't going to tell you. He only told you because he might have an std. Common sense says there may have been other times that he didn't tell you about.

A BS very rarely gets the full story on dday. Cheaters always lie and minimize. The chances this was once..or a bj without sex..are small. Possible,but small.

All bs say it isn't in their ws's character. Yet, clearly it was.

Who is this woman? Is she married? You need to call her husband and tell him.

If this woman is a coworker, he has to find another job. You will never feel safe as long as they work together.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:01 AM, Monday, May 15th]

Newly minted BSs often have a deep desire to believe the first version of the story they get. After all, they know their partners, right? I thought after 27 years of marriage, I knew my wife. Yeah, not so much.

Steel yourself for more and deeper revelations do not commit to any course of action until YOU feel you have regained a sense of agency again. Cheaters lie. They just do. Your WH is a cheater. He will lie. His lizard brain is telling him to do anything to survive, including throwing you under the bus. He will convince himself that he is doing this for your own good, to spare you pain, because he finally realizes that you are the one he loves, yadda, yadda, yadda.

If you hang around this site long enough, you realize that there is a script and cheaters rarely depart from it.

The good news is that you are among an amazing group of strangers who will have your back. Funny how shared trauma can cause a motley crew to coalesce around an idea.

Keep posting, keep venting.

I really think you need a lie detector test. My bs meter is off the charts right now. I know you want to believe him, but can you?

If he is lying to you, would you rather find out the whole truth now or years down the line when you have children to consider?

You sound so sweet and trusting, and it makes me feel like I'm kicking a kitten saying all this to you, but it's so much better to know the full truth, then to always wonder. Please make him take a lie detector test as a required action to you even considering reconciling with him. And then REALLY make him take it.

I am so sorry you have had to join the betrayed spouse infidelity club. Especially after only being married for a short time and still in the ""honeymoon" phase.

Having been a veteran of two affairs I can offer you some wisdom from my experience. Just trying to give you perspective to add to the great advice you have already received.

First I would suggest not making any decisions about your marriage right now. Do not Divorce or reconcile until you have had a chance to process this. The first 6 months after I learned off my H’s affair I was only considering reconciling. However after I learned he was still cheating while I worked my butt off to Reconcile — I only wanted to divorce him.

Second, this may have been the first time your H cheated. Or not. You can ask him a thousand questions but he may not be honest with you. He may hold to his "it only happened this one time" story.

But ask yourself this —. Doesn’t It seems odd that she had a "bump" on her mouth and now he has an STD. Or is it possible he had intercourse and now has an STD?

My H came home and admitted his affair. Yup he did. Devastated and blindsided. He made it seem like it was no big deal. Ten days later he wants a D.

I’m just pointing this out b/c I gave my H credit for his "honesty". First mistake I made during his affair.

I also will suggest that you find a counselor who is experienced in the trauma of infidelity.

Do not agree to go to marriage counseling right now. You need your own individual therapy right now. Someone to support you.

Your H needs his own counselor too. Someone to figure out why he did this.

You can see your H has put a significant amount of blame in the woman. She flirted with him all night. Hmmmmm…..maybe b/c he encouraged her and flirted with her all night too.

He also blames it on the fact he was drunk.

Two very typical cheater moves.

I also want to point out that oftentimes it is not the affair that kills the marriage. It is the behavior after the affair that does. Here are a few red flags:

He refuses counseling

His actions don’t match his words. Example: I will do anything to make this up to you (the betrayed spouse or BS) si you ask for his phone passwords and he won’t provide them or he won’t let you see his phone

He refuses to answer any and all questions you ask him

He gives alot of "I don’t know" answers to questions

After a month or two he’s refusing to discuss anything with you regarding the affair

He continues to think he can go back to his old life of complete freedom 😡

If he ever says "when are you getting "over"this". - run!!! Run to your counselor b/c he has NO idea this will take years to recover from and he’s expecting this to have minimal impact. That shows YOU he doesn’t understand the betrayal and trauma he caused you.

He doesn’t have remorse. He has regret for having to tell you he cheated. Remorse means he’s willing to do anything and everything to make amends. And that means a complete lifestyle change including job and hobbies and sports and freedom to do what he wants etc.

I hope this helps you.

Heartbroken,

I’m sorry you had to find yourself here. You should still be enjoying the honeymoon phase of your marriage! Instead you’re in the weeds trying to navigate your husband’s infidelity. One of the things you mentioned was that you have a sister who you usually run to in a crisis - but you don’t feel like you can in this case because your family adores your WH. Dear lady, please think about YOU in this situation. Your husband CHOSE this path knowing ALL the consequences - so why do you feel you need to protect HIS feelings when he didn’t give two shits about yours? The best thing you can do right now is surround yourself with people who care about you!! Surround yourself with people who will be there to help pick you off the ground at 2am when you find yourself laying on the bathroom floor sobbing wondering how this happened. Ask me how I know. He gave up his right to privacy and his right to have his feelings protected the minute he opened that door to cheat on you. Maybe this is a one time thing, maybe not. Remember cheaters LIE and lie and lie. They lie as an act of self preservation - they lie because they think they’re doing US a favor by "protecting" us from the truth, TRUTH that they think will hurt us. Newsflash - yes the truth will hurt us, but you NEED all of the truth to formulate a path out of infidelity- whether that’s D or R. Think about something, your H is on a work trip - he’s out drinking, an attractive co-worker is flirting and coming on to him. She apparently feels so comfortable that she goes in for the kiss. Honestly- I don’t think she was the aggressor. He was showing all the signs of "the store is OPEN, Come on In!" and allowed it to happen. Also - they went to his (or her?) hotel room - a private room away from everyone else. That was a plan to have sex. They are adults. Their inhibitions are muted because of the drinking - they both find themselves alone in a hotel room. You won’t ever know unless he does a poly what exactly happened in that room. Regardless these are two people into each other - and it was "just" a blowjob??? AS IF that’s perfectly fine?!?! Like it was “only” a blow job? He minimizes what actually happened because he thinks he is sparing you from the painful truth. I’m a woman - I know what flirting looks like and so do you. He had opportunity, he had the privacy of a hotel room, what "stopped" them from going all the way? Their conscience? I agree with FunHouseMirror - you do seem like a sweet person and I feel I’m being harsh - but this is your life now. In order for you to make a decision about your future, you need to know all of the truth - not half of it. What does your gut instinct tell you about this encounter - full on intercourse or just oral? He lied. And I would venture to say he’s lying still. Can you find out who the other woman is - is she married? If so try to find out who the OBS is and tell him - you don’t owe anyone anything to keep their secrets hidden. And finally - "bump" on her lip? Could be an STD or not. But IF it is - whoever she’s been having sex with, she carried all those germs over to your H and now to you. See how that works? Take care of YOU now. You go get an STD panel done up. I wish you well. I hope you continue to come here and post, vent, share - we’re all here for you. We’ve been down this road. Take care.

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 5:41 PM, Monday, May 15th]

Heartbroken06, I'm so sorry you're here.

First off, do not, under any circumstances, take any blame for this. There's a school of thought that blames cheating on "unmet needs," but the problem with that is that you were in the same relationship. You might have been 95% happy with your WS (wayward spouse), but you didn't go have sex with someone else to get that other 5% met. Also, if he felt anything "missing" he could have talked to you, right? So ignore the Esther Perels and Jada Pinkett Smiths. Check out Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass or How to Help You Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda J. MacDonald. The important thing when reading HTHYSHFYA is that these are the actions your spouse should be taking/making on his own, if he's genuinely remorseful (and many WS aren't at first, they're full of regret and want to save their own asses). You shouldn't be begging or forcing him to do the things she writes about, so I'm suggesting this more to help you stay clearheaded on what a remorseful wayward spouse would do. A lot of BS (betrayed spouses) are thrown crumbs at first, and think it's a seven course meal and their marriage is healed.

The one who cares less in a relationship holds all the power, so don't be willing to settle for half-assed actions done to placate you.

And... I'm sure you're thinking, well, these people don't know me/him/us. And it's true! We don't! But if you asked most of our stories, you would see that we all probably came here in the same place you were, and having seen many posters come and go over the years, have noticed a lot of similarities in how cheaters behave and the things they say (like, eerily similar), and we're trying to save you years of lying, minimizing, denying and pain.

Our outcomes are all different -- some of us D (divorced), some of us R (reconciled), and some held on to cheaters who didn't put in the work to change and are back again years later, having discovered another affair. The less leeway you give and bullshit you put up with in the beginning, the better your outcome will be, no matter how your relationship ends up.

Get yourself in therapy, meet with some lawyers to gather information, sip on protein shakes if you start to lose your appetite/weight, and don't be afraid or medication if you're very depressed or can't sleep.

duplicate post

[This message edited by ibonnie at 5:24 PM, Monday, May 15th]

If I didn't have a child, my husband wouldn't be sat opposite me on our sofa right now. He would have been gone. Just remember that there are honestly so many wonderful loyal people out there who would never treat another human being they supposedly loved, like this. Sending you so many hugs 💖💖

I am so sorry this happened to you.

My advice to BS is to take exquisite care of yourself.

I had repeated std testing and I recommend finding a kind provider to walk with you through this. I considered a private for profit cash only clinic that understands this sort of thing well but ended up going forward with a couple of great NPs. My covid roommate and I (non sexual) are both BS. We both have to make decisions as to whether to get tested for herpes II when we choose to move forward with our lives.
We don't have symptoms but both of us were betrayed by spouses who did not care about our sexual much less emotional health.

I regret being sexual with my husband while he was lying to me. I was pushed to "forgive" and gaslit.

years later imagine my shock when I was going through records sorting out into piles of mine and not mine and found that apparently he was medicated for stds they did not report? Or apparently both tell me? This is serious stuff....

I also benefitted from high quality mental health and trauma care. I waited too long to get it because wh prevented me from getting the care i needed when I started to find out. Instead he made himself the victim. It is not ok in any way to blame the BS for infidelity.

As an illustration of responsibility..I like chocolate as well as the next person. My housemate does not buy unlimited chocolate. And I don't always have the $$$ to buy Godiva or handmade chocolates for myself. But you can bet that when I go in Giradelis chocolate store in the loop in Chicago or even to TJ Maxx, I don't reach out my hands and stuff chocolate in my face because I am grown adult with impulse control. If I do that I know I would risk going to jail. If I don't have impulse control then I have a serious life skills issue. I don't look for when the clerk is looking the other way. And I don't shop drunk.

As I healed from betrayal,
I have been blessed to find a tribe of people who look out for me and never blamed me and who took to to appointments and held my hand and cared for me through this.

I wish you peace and healing and that you will end up with a partner who does the hard work and is safe for you. Everyone deserves that.

I only wanted to add that it may be the best course of action to put a hold on trying for children until you have a clear understanding of what your future plans are.

I'm so sorry.