I haven't been around as much as I used to. And I certainly haven't posted in NB if a long time. But I've been thinking and I would like some honest feedback.
So most people don't know, but Bitchtits (XWW) was not my first wife. I was married before to a girl I knew in college. Let's call her FW (First Wife). We D'd in 2001. We have stayed in touch and amicable since then. We have no kids together. She remarried within six months of our D. She got preggers and "did the right thing." She now has three kids. The youngest starts HS this year. She did not cheat on me. I would laugh at you if you suggested she did.
So over the years, we've stayed in touch marginally. We are both from Michigan and have mutual friends from college and it has been fine. When things blew up with XWW (AKA Bitchtits) and i was talking with FW about it, she said something along the lines of, "I would do whatever it took to not lose time with my kids." Tuck that in the back of you head. That was almost five years ago.
A couple months ago, she sent me a text or an email saying that someone had gotten a hold of her looking for me to see if I wanted to sell my house. (I don't.) She wouldn't give them my contact info, but gave me theirs. And we emailed back and forth for a couple weeks. (You can see where this might be going- you're not exactly right)- We talked about a project she's working on with her youngest kid. It was light. Friendly. Joked around.
And not once did she mention her husband. And so I stalked her FB page. And he's not anywhere in there. I asked around and she IS still married. But I don't think they do anything together. And now go back to that statement about doing whatever it took to not losing time with her kids.
I suspect she MIGHT be on a 4 year plan. That when her youngest kid leaves home, she might, too. And if she does, I would like another shot at a relationship with her. We've both grown a lot in the past 20 years. And I could see us together again.
I'm not currently pursuing her. I did text her happy birthday on her 50th birthday. I'm not going to pursue her unless she leaves her husband on her own accord.
I'm not trying to do anything to make her leave or want to leave her husband. I will not be OM.
I would say before she got in touch with me, it had been a year or two since we had communicated last.
So the question I'm asking is, how often is appropriate to check in and say hi. Once every three or four months? Once a year? Every other?
I'm open to the idea that it is not in any way appropriate. I"m asking because I'm not sure I can be objective.
And I can read this and see just absurd it sounds. And I assure you that if something were to come up before then, I am open to that. I'm not excluding all others (there any others anyway) holding out for this "maybe." But there's also something RomCom about it. College sweathearts marry. Doesn't work out. They get divorced. Each remarries. Each gets divorced and 25 years later, they get back together to spend their old age together. Stories for the step grandkids.
In typing this, I think I've decided that since I have a brain twitch about it, the best thing to do is steer clear. I can watch from afar, but in connecting every now and then, I'm overstepping my bounds. Especially since my intent is, if I'm being honest, to keep me in her mind, even if it is only once a year.
Ok- thank you everyone for helping me think that through. If there is something I missed, feel free to tell me. I'm open.
Mn