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This is all still very fresh for me, but we WANT to reconcile. I’m struggling with the lying/trusting. Like how he could lie to my face for so long? On the one hand I feel like I don’t even know my own husband. On the other, I want to make things better and start fresh. But how do you get past the lying and begin to trust again?

TIME and consistency. LOTS of time and 100% consistency.

Please visit our Just Found Out forum and read all the pinned posts and posts with bullseyes (may need to go back a few pages). Also check our our healing library. Lots of great stuff to help you wrap your head around this.

And yeah, it’s like an alien took over spouses but the reality is they DID lie. A lot. And THEY need to prove over months/years that they have changed from lying cheater to trustworthy spouse. It takes a lot longer than anyone wants, but each little deposit into the trust bank (with no more lying at all) helps to rebuild. Also, as you go through that process, use the trust but verify approach. He needs to go to the effort to show you and prove his honesty - you should not trust him yet (nor be expected to).

Also, be aware that many (most) do not get the full story right away- many WS (wayward spouses) minimize and lie by omission initially. These are lies and trickle truth does a TON of damage to the rebuilding. But sadly it is really really common.

Remember that this is something HE needs to fix. He did this. Just take care of you for now.

Welcome to SI and sorry you're joining us. I second BB's post about reading the posts in JFO (Just Found Out). There's some really good info there.

Have you both been tested for STDs/STIs? There are some nasty things out there. If you're struggling with depression or sleep, maybe ask your doctor for some meds.

If you can, IC (Individual Counseling) with a betrayal trauma therapist can be helpful. Your WH (Wayward Husband) should have IC to work on his whys. Also, he should read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Expect your emotions to be all over the place from numb to flaming rage. It's normal. Exercise can help you process the feelings through your body. Stay hydrated and be sure to eat, even if it's an energy drink.

Take care of you at this time.

Trust is rebuilt with consistent, safe behavior over time.

[This message edited by leafields at 5:25 PM, Monday, December 1st]

@loveismessy - IMO this is the hardest part of reconciliation. How can you trust anything that comes out of their dumb mouths????

My WH was always a liar. He would lie about the smallest of things if it meant avoiding an argument or a hard conversation. It was so easy for him to lie but it used to drive me crazy. Then he had his affair and obviously that lie for him was also easy.

Except when he got caught. Fortunately for my my WH was dumb and did not hide his A well from his co-workers who exposed him. Then he had no choice to tell the truth if he wanted any chance to save this so called marriage. I think my WH told me a lot of the truth straight up - it was brutal to hear.

He wasn’t perfect but I do believe he tried and when he got caught a couple of times once again lying we would talk about why and he went to therapy to work it out. I can honestly say over the last couple of years since D-Day he really has improved. He tells me things that he knows might piss me off but I think he has finally realised that is a normal relationship, not one to hide from.

Like Bearly said though ‘time and consistency’ is what you need. I’m not sure if we ever 100% trust them again but I do know it gets easier and for me letting go of what I couldn’t control was also a way forward. If you have a boundary of no more lies - stick to that and have your consequences.

Please post your story to Just Found Out, rather than here in R (EDIT: now realize this is General). I think you'll get more relevant advice.

Once trust is broken, it's never restored in the same way. I made a thread where I argue that it grows at 1/3rd the rate of original trust based on Bayes' theorem.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/655798/trust-recurrence-sunk-cost-bayes-theorem-and-the-non-informed-jeffreys-prior/

Anyway, that's a little too philosophical to help you.

I recommend a few books to help with R. "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda Macdonald. Maybe after you have your feet under you, Gottman's "What makes love last: how to build trust and avoid betrayal" is useful.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 2:44 AM, Tuesday, December 2nd]

2.5 years after d-day, I raised the issue of my lack of trust in an MC session. Our MC refused to discuss it - 'It's too early,' she said.

There are a number of ways to interpret that, but it's likely too early for you to trust.

My reco is to watch and monitor. Let your WS earn trust back. If trust is given too easily, it's not worth much.

As said, consistency and time, a metric sh*t amount of time. My wife had no problem sexting FOR MONTHS with a married coworker from 7a to 3p and then coming home, hugging me, kissing me, telling me that she loves me. I had no inclination as to what she was doing

It was her reaction to me seeing a picture of her in a green dress on her phone that made me suspicious. Had I not I have no doubt it would have escalated to a PA.

Honestly I don't see myself trusting her 100% ever again. For me the affair caused permanent changes to the way I think, the way I feel, obviously the way I trust. A wise man once said trust yet verify

Do I think she would ever do something like this again? No. Could she? Absolutely. She has proven she has the ability to carry on behind my back so if it were to ever happen again I highly doubt I would be shocked. Hopefully I would just shrug and go on with my day

It takes years to try and restore Trust. If I ever catch her in an inconsistency I will instantly assume she is lying and cheating